I just put on This is Me from The Greatest Showman and I started crying so hard. When she says “I am brave, I am bruised…” I realized I don’t feel brave at all. I have been so absolutely terrified of making a mistake that I haven’t been living. I didn’t even wanna go to our family Halloween party this year. The day before I started crying just thinking about it, it feels like every time people talk to me they can see what a loser I am and they would never wanna be friends with someone like that. I don’t usually think like that but I’ve been so isolated and fragile the last month my brain went into a deep, dark hole of despair. I knew something was off with me mentally but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until now.
I have been embarrassed of myself. I have felt so incredibly unworthy of anyone’s time, including my own. My days pass me by so quickly and I don’t do anything for myself to follow my passions or build new friendships. I’ve been on autopilot saying “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, this is the best year of my life” because that really was true up until September. I just got so bogged down and overwhelmed by life, I lost myself in the chaos.
Today I lied in my bed and cried tears of shame and humiliation just thinking about how scared I am to live my life until something inside me snapped. Honestly that song saved me. I needed that glimmer of hope. I suddenly remembered the confident girl I used to be and I refused to lose her.
I don’t wanna be scared of the world anymore. I don’t wanna feel worse than everyone else anymore. I don’t wanna feel unworthy. I don’t wanna hate myself. I don’t wanna be embarrassed of who I am when I have done nothing wrong in being a human who makes mistakes sometimes. I am living my life and it’s time to remember that messing up is part of that! I cannot succeed until I fail! I cannot win until I lose many times! So therefore I should courageously charge down the paths I’ve been so timidly entering lately because if I stumble along the way, that just means I’m doing my duty in making mistakes and finding my way through my failures until I reach my hard-earned victories.
I will not lay down and die (metaphorically). I will not self-sabotage. I am not a bad person and it’s time to stop feeling like one.
So I’m here to remind anyone else who needs to hear it that YOU ARE OKAY THE WAY YOU ARE. We don’t need to feel bad about ourselves anymore! Make your mistakes! Put yourself out there! Roll the dice and play the game of life! Take the chances you know you wanna take and don’t worry if it hurts when you fall. To fall means you jumped. Or tripped HAHA but even then that means you were walking! The only way you can’t fall is if you’re already lying on the ground. But even then, people can still kick you when you’re down so you might as well stop avoiding the pain and at least make an adventure out of these ups and downs we can’t seem to avoid.
I love you all, I love myself and I wish us all love, peace, strength, courage and CLARITY to see how incredibly lovable we all are. Especially when we’re not trying to be.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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