I just put on This is Me from The Greatest Showman and I started crying so hard. When she says āI am brave, I am bruisedā¦ā I realized I donāt feel brave at all. I have been so absolutely terrified of making a mistake that I havenāt been living. I didnāt even wanna go to our family Halloween party this year. The day before I started crying just thinking about it, it feels like every time people talk to me they can see what a loser I am and they would never wanna be friends with someone like that. I donāt usually think like that but Iāve been so isolated and fragile the last month my brain went into a deep, dark hole of despair. I knew something was off with me mentally but I couldnāt quite put my finger on it until now.
I have been embarrassed of myself. I have felt so incredibly unworthy of anyoneās time, including my own. My days pass me by so quickly and I donāt do anything for myself to follow my passions or build new friendships. Iāve been on autopilot saying āIām the happiest Iāve ever been, this is the best year of my lifeā because that really was true up until September. I just got so bogged down and overwhelmed by life, I lost myself in the chaos.
Today I lied in my bed and cried tears of shame and humiliation just thinking about how scared I am to live my life until something inside me snapped. Honestly that song saved me. I needed that glimmer of hope. I suddenly remembered the confident girl I used to be and I refused to lose her.
I donāt wanna be scared of the world anymore. I donāt wanna feel worse than everyone else anymore. I donāt wanna feel unworthy. I donāt wanna hate myself. I donāt wanna be embarrassed of who I am when I have done nothing wrong in being a human who makes mistakes sometimes. I am living my life and itās time to remember that messing up is part of that! I cannot succeed until I fail! I cannot win until I lose many times! So therefore I should courageously charge down the paths Iāve been so timidly entering lately because if I stumble along the way, that just means Iām doing my duty in making mistakes and finding my way through my failures until I reach my hard-earned victories.
I will not lay down and die (metaphorically). I will not self-sabotage. I am not a bad person and itās time to stop feeling like one.
So Iām here to remind anyone else who needs to hear it that YOU ARE OKAY THE WAY YOU ARE. We donāt need to feel bad about ourselves anymore! Make your mistakes! Put yourself out there! Roll the dice and play the game of life! Take the chances you know you wanna take and donāt worry if it hurts when you fall. To fall means you jumped. Or tripped HAHA but even then that means you were walking! The only way you canāt fall is if youāre already lying on the ground. But even then, people can still kick you when youāre down so you might as well stop avoiding the pain and at least make an adventure out of these ups and downs we canāt seem to avoid.
I love you all, I love myself and I wish us all love, peace, strength, courage and CLARITY to see how incredibly lovable we all are. Especially when weāre not trying to be.
janainaart
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romaincrisis
areudirty
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