e.h.

it’s always the same isn’t it

i rush to get out of the house on time, didn’t do my hair the way i wanted to, left my lipstick because there’s no time

“sorry, i’m gonna be late” “me too don’t worry” “oh shit, forgot the time, omw”

but i’m already there

i was speeding through the city, nearly got a ticket and had a break down trying to park in the crowded street

but i’m on time

as always

so i text them “waiting outside”

i don’t get a response

how long i’ll stand here alone in the chilling wind i don’t know

but it’s always the same

i don’t even know why i still try to be on time

why should i when the others clearly don’t care if they leave me waiting

so the next time i think, i won’t rush to get there

i’ll take my time getting ready, i’ll brake responsibly and i let the couple cross the street with a smile

i’m still there three minutes early

i still get texts from the others

“i’ll be like ten minutes late” “girl dw i didn’t even start my make-up” “haha same looking for what to wear know <3”

a part of me wants to get back in my car and just drive

no texts, no explanation

just ditch them

i don’t

because once they arrive, it’s all forgotten

we laugh and joke around and it doesn’t matter that i had to wait while other friends were arriving together

but it happens again

and again

and again

is my time worth less than yours? am i lower on your list of priorities than you are on mine?

because you arrive late with a laugh

would i ever arrive later than 2 minutes i’d get a panic attack

i don't have the right to play with your time like that

but i let you

and maybe this isn’t about arriving on time at all

maybe i just feel like i’m waiting in the chilly rain while the first drizzle starts

i rushed through life and now i’m waiting

waiting for others to arrive

while i wonder if i should just ditch it all

sometimes I wonder if god is playing a game against the devil

to see how long it’ll take to break me

until I start praying again

or until I break

if I will find my faith again

or if I will fall of the deep end

taking people from me like they've done for eons

to see if I will start begging for mercy

or curse the world

will god grant me twice of what I lost?

or will the devil take me down with him for eternity?

it’s the little moments that remind me

when I want to tell you about a movie I’ve watched, that I know you’d like

when a new season of our favorite TV show came out

when I’ve been to a concert of a band we both liked

when I wrote something, like this, that I want to show you

when I just want to talk to you, talk about my day

it’s also the big moments

when I received my diploma, my drivers license

when grandma had a stroke and I didn’t know how to help

when my cat got sick and I held her as she left

when everything went to shit

it’s when I tell a joke about you and no one knows whether to laugh or ask me if I’m okay

it’s when I see a video of dads with their little girls and I think back to when everything was easy

it’s the fact that sometimes I have to be reminded at all

because how could you have ever left me

sometimes i feel like i’m too much

like i’m a constant burden

why else haven’t you reached out?

why else are they telling me to work less?

why else do i feel left behind?

sometimes i also feel too much

i feel happy and yet tired

i feel excited but i’m also sad to leave

i love you still and yet i still hate you for what you did

and sometimes i don’t even feel at all

i know i should feel happy, so i pretend

i know i should cry, but my eyes are dry

i know i should be angry, but there is nothing but fatigue

and that’s why i always feel like i’m not enough at all

i like the undisturbed snow

the snow that’s smooth, without footprints

it’s nice, to know that there is a place where no one has walked

where, for once, people left a single spot on earth untouched

i like it and yet i also like to be the first to walk across it

to feel the perfect, unbothered snow crunch beneath my shoes

so i’m wondering if i’m the problem

if i’m the person that destroys beautiful, peaceful, calm things

if it’s because of me that the snow is not as beautiful, not as even, not as calm

if maybe the snow isn’t the only thing i destroyed

I miss you like it’s been an eternity,

When in truth it’s been a fortnight since I saw you last.

Your beauty has got me mesmerized 

Tell me, what spell have you cast?

they tell you breakups hurt

they tell you that you’ll cry and feel bad and sulk but you’ll get better

they tell you you’ll pick yourself up and move on and forget and forgive

they don’t tell you that sometimes, it doesn’t hurt

that sometimes, it’s a relief till it’s not

till you forget what they did, how they treated you and you start to miss them again

the version of them that loved you and cared for you and held you

the version that listened to your problems and helped you through them

the version that you wanted to grow old with and love for a lifetime

they tell you to forget them, but never what they did

they tell you you’ll find someone else, someone better

they tell you that you’ll be alright

you don’t tell them that they’ll haunt you forever

that you see them in every new person you meet

that your fingers ache for their skin

you live with the pain

and the ache

and the desire to one day, be theirs again