your favourite worst nightmare

there was some awful homemade reupload porn i watched where the girl used the little throat and pussy toy on her boyfriend and they pretended it was their daughter and i wanted so fucking die so badly. it made me think about my dad and sleeping in the same bed with him until i was ten and him doing the same to my sister and its like, when i got older it reverted to neglect and separation but when we were all under one roof it was hell on earth and i dont think it's unreasonable to find that i dissociate in literally every interaction when you have my parents for parents. also. all the toys my parents bought me were grooming tactics. its. like ok. i sound schizophrenic until you realize what kind of person my dad is. i was explcitly lured in with toys and treats and then taken across the united states with him on roadtrips i have no recollection of with exceptions of getting in trouble, which i always was, everything later became a reason to bend me half-naked over a bed and beat me until i screamed. My face is numb.