c'est la vie.

Why let me fall in love with you?

Why let me in? Teach me so much about you.. Tell me about your family and your dreams. Make me want to stand by you through whatever. Make me step from behind this wall I took so long to build and perfect, to shield me..

From Niggas Like you.

Why let me believe in you? Believe in your dreams, pray for you before myself. How could you let me believe you were different? Why show me something i never had, open my mind and make me feel new, if you didn’t plan to stay? 

I told you I had issues with abandonment; that it was hard for me to connect with and trust men. You let me believe in you, I let you make me believe that WE were going to be something so much more than what you were willing to give to me.. 

Why make love to me? Fuck up my chemistry, my fucking mental and spiritual, just to tell me you couldn’t be with me and be pissed at me when I call us what we were.. Fuck Buddies. Why let me fall so far? Why couldn’t you just tell me. 

I know plans change, we embark on these new journeys and don’t know where they’ll take us, but plenty of time has passed. You know what you want and don’t want now. So why lead me on? Why tell me you love me when you know that it’s not the same anymore. Let me make these plans for our future when you know already there isn’t one. 

When I told you I loved you in a way i had never loved anyone else I meant that, and wow.. This is my first romantic heartbreak. I HATE love but I also CRAVE it. I want someone to want me and utterly adore me.. to go the lengths I’d go for them. I want someone to sit up at night and wonder what I’m doing, wonder if everything is okay with me, check in on me, make sure my mental is in check. I want someone to check me when I’m slacking on finding my purpose and chasing my goals. I just want to feel valuable to someone other than myself sometimes.. Fuck. Is that too much to ask? 

DON’T LET ME FALL IN LOVE IF YOU’RE GOING TO LET ME DOWN. 

I mean of course I’m going to be disappointed at some point. But have the fucking decency to SAY SOMETHING. Don’t let my mind wonder. I need security. I need to feel safe with you, and I did. That's why I’m so fucking confused on how you could disregard my feelings like this. 

Honestly, I don’t ask for a lot. The one thing I ask for is honesty. I told you from the jump, if your feelings change just tell me. If you find interest in another, tell me. When this isn't working and you’re not agreeing with my words and actions, just tell me. That’s all I needed from you. 

Instead, you let me pour out my heart to you. You let me be vulnerable and weak only to disregard my feelings and make me feel stupid. Make me feel like I’m trippin, and maybe I’m doing too much. Have me out here feeling like I’m going crazy when really you allowed me to get my feelings involved and simply react on them.

You don’t do everything you’re supposed to do in a relationship and when it’s time to commit say you don’t want to be in one. So you’re telling me you get to reap all of these benefits and I get what in return? To watch other bitches brag about you? Hear about you fucking other bitches with no regard for how I feel? fuck that. 

I gave you the best that I had and it still wasn't good enough. 

You wondered all this time why I had such a low self-esteem. Why I didn’t always know my worth and why I took so long to open up to you. Because the first man I ever trusted to love me unconditionally, the man who was supposed to teach me about niggas like you, keep me from niggas like you, was able to walk away from me without a fuckin care. He did and said things without considering the way it would make me feel. He’d be 10-15 minutes away and not think to call or come see me. All these things to make me feel like I was invaluable to him, just. like. you.

So excuse me for being stingy with my trust and feelings. But I just fucking knew a time would come where I’d look back at this and realize you were doing the same exact thing. And yeah no man should ever be in control of the way you feel about yourself, no man should influence your actions and how you carry yourself. They should uplift you, love your flaws, blah blah, bullshit. Being naive and in love will do that to you, it can cause you to forget who you are. 

And after giving yourself away to people who make you believe they see value in you then turn around and shit on everything you’ve built, every door you’ve opened, all that you’ve sacrificed and fought internally with yourself about, it makes me feel worthless. I hate that I feel that way but I can’t help it. 

I’ve always struggled with self love so I used love as my defense. Giving everything I can to another to ensure that they knew they were loved. But what’s in it for me? It’s never reciprocated and if it is, it’s always conditional. I give and give and give, I ask for nothing in return but when it’s time for me to be consoled and cared for, who is there for me to call on? No one has ever been faithful, all in, or committed to me. And you love to say I need to find that within myself but I don’t even know where to begin. 

You let me give you all of me, only to treat me like an option and call on me when its convenient. 

Fuck you. 

I hope you get everything you ever wanted from this life and when you realize I’m a part of that, I hope my dumb ass is somewhere all in love with ME enough to know it’s too late for YOU.

That goes for you and any other fuck nigga that was able to deceive me the way you did.

C’est La Vie mf.

Have you ever loved someone while watching them love someone else? Thinking all the things they’re doing together are things he should be doing with you? You ever feel dumb for thinking you held status in someones life?

I’ve now watched someone I loved love someone else twice.. talk about knocking someones self-esteem. After three years of this game we played, I never thought that his love would be gone so abruptly.. I thought he’d always be mine and that’s where I lost it at. I got comfortable with our routine.. 

What really blew me over was the extent to which he loved her.. how could their connection be so strong if he and I had been dealing with each other for so long? Since 12th grade, it was always me.. He’d said he loved me.. He was always there for me. But according to somewhat reliable sources, it hadn’t just been me for a while.

I had an odd way of showing it, but I loved him.. and he had to know that. He was the first guy I loved and I did my best to show him that. Especially while he was away for school. I wanted him to know that I was serious about him so even though we weren’t together, I entertained no one but him. I wanted him to know that no matter where he was, I would be right here.. I thought I made that clear but I guess I was already too late. 

The two of us had been through A LOT of shit together.. He’d hurt me a couple times and thought it might have taken time, I always came back around. I wanted us to work….I mean I can’t pretend like I didn’t play a part in way we ended up. I can certainly take some responsibility. When he’d be here, I’d barely see him.. I was always busy or engaged in other plans. I didn’t always make him a priority and I can admit to that. But thinking back on it, when we were together, it was like were only friends anyway. 

He and I had never kissed, were never intimate, but i really felt like the connection was there. We were both just too shy to ask for it. Maybe his girl is just able to give him the complete package? who knows. 

Maybe it hurts me so bad because I got used to him. because we were something familiar. I really thought he and I would always be something but I should have known. and now, letting go is something I need to do, but still don’t want to.. 

I have dreams about me flying out there to him, telling him i’m sorry and that I love him. That its painful to watch him love someone other than me and that there is nothing in this world i wouldn’t do for him. i’ve had three dreams of similar situations. 

The first time he hesitantly tells me he will try one more time, we try it again and fall back into the same old routine. The second time he tells me its too late.. they’re in love, they have their matching tattoos to show it, and that i should have thought about taking flights and professing my love sooner.. I cry to him and tell ask him how I could possibly do that if i had no clue about her. He’s careless about it, asks me to leave and never show up again. The third time is different.. I get to him, say all i have to say, and he accepts, more like he'd been waiting. Things between the two of us continue but its different..The time we share together is better, there’s intimacy as far as the atmosphere, a closeness, even physically. There’s happiness, and that was all I wanted. 

Talk about a damn fairytale, lmao. Shits unrealistic, plus.. if you go so far as to put something on you permanently to show your love for someone, I’m gonna assume its real and there’s no need for me to put myself out there only to be turned away. Rejection is not my thing, lol. and it would only make me feel worse about this whole thing.. 

Moving on? Its hard. I spent three years of my life loving one person. Its hard to just accept such a sudden change. I’m trying though. 

You ever wonder how time can speed by so fast? Just saying how you were gonna be this small by january and you ain’t lost a pound? lmao. Before you even know it its the new year. 

I never thought today would fly around so quickly. I’ve been anticipating the feeling since the day it happened.. wondering how i’d feel each time another year came around. I mean of course i know you’re gone, but today was the day i lost you. 

My stomach is tight and i feel heavy. Heavy hearted, kind of empty like i did for months after losing you. and honestly i forgot what this pain was like.. Tyrell, i really fucking loved you man ..  i love you… you took some of me with you when you left and i always struggle with myself.. wondering if i’ll ever be able to fill that void..

Loss is so hard to really grasp. how is it possible to just continue on knowing someone you’re used to seeing everyday just suddenly ceases to exist? its just weird to act like its normal, you know?

Strength is something that you don’t really know how much you have until you’re at your last and you have no other life lines to tug on. You tap into it. 

Have you ever truly felt heartbreak? like the literal physical feeling.. not just your feelings being hurt by someone you loved. its not simply an emotion, its not the every two weeks you and ya nigga break up and you like “aw my boyfriend broke up with me, i’ll never know love like him” feeling.. Its literal agonizing pain. Mentally, physically, spiritually, there is pain...unexplainable. 

I had never cried the way i did that night.. I never screamed so loud for the pain to go away like i did, i had never felt emotion the way i did. All at once, heightened to their maximum capacity. disbelief, confusion, terror, sorrow, rage, uncertainty, and doubt. And after exhausting yourself, and having nothing left enough to shed a tear or make a noise, there’s silence.. 

For days I stared off into nothingness.. the only time i felt anything normal was when i was with my friends. We all did our best when we were together to be strong for each other, but alone…. there was nothing, I was literally empty.

A year’s flown by and while so much has changed there still a lot of good and bad that are still the same. 

I’ve been able to genuinely laugh, i don’t cry everyday, i don’t hurt as bad all the time. my breakdowns have become occasional, and instead of only feeling sadness when i think of you, i’m able to laugh and smile at memories we’d shared. 

I miss you so much tyrell. I miss your voice and your laugh.. I miss your facial expressions you’d make with your stupid ass, lmfao.. i miss you picking me up and taking me places, i miss embarrassing you about driving over the island, LMFAOOO.. funniest shit ever by the way.. I miss hugging you and squeezing your itty bitty ass booty cheeks, lmfaoooo. omg .. i miss you man. 

You always encouraged me, you always made me feel beautiful, you knew a lot of the things that made me the way i was and you went out of the way to make me feel worth it. I just wish i could have done that same for you.. 

Tomorrow, i may cry,. and I’ll apologize in advance for cussing you out and being angry then being sorry and sad, lol. You know how it goes when i get real serious with you, lol… i be out of control.. but just know i love you baby boy.. more than anything in this world. 

I can wait to be back around you… i know it’ll be a while before He calls me home but i cannot wait for the day i get there and see you waiting on me.. 

i love you wed ass heed feen. I agonize the days that will continue to topple themselves over the day you left.. I don’t wanna grow further from you.. I don’t wanna say damn the last conversation i had with you was 10 years ago, 30 years ago, its scary.. it just shows you over and over again each year how real life is… crazy.. 

i love you babe,… 

Talking it out doesn’t fucking help either. Because when you’re really hurting or upset about something and the person you’re talking to just doesn’t get it, all it does is frustrate you more.

Tonight i tried to tell my mom that path she’s trying to send me down isn’t for me. I tried to tell her that i wanted her to support me and the things i wanted to do more. I was honest, i said how i felt, and do you think that made a difference? no.. Because after that whole hour conversation, her point and what she wanted was the only thing that mattered, 

Sometimes i wonder whose life i’m living.. I wonder if my life belongs to me or if it belongs to everyone else, because it seems that the things that could make me happy don’t even matter. if you and everyone else isn’t satisfied, then i’m not living right. People love to emphasize how young we are.. how we have our whole lives in front of us.. and to me thats just funny because i mean well if i think about it, you were just telling me that when i was 10... i’m 21 now and looking back, that was in no time at all. Yes 21 is still young but if time flew this fast, how quick before i’m 30.. 40? 

People tell you all the time, live for you, be happy, experience life.. But how can you when decisions are being made for you? when you’re not able to make the decisions that may lead to your happiness with out disappointing or upsetting people who are important to you? yeah its my life but i’m still living under my mothers roof, the mother who wants me to do as she says because thats “whats best for me”.. Which makes no sense.. 

how can anyone know thats best for you if they’re not you?

I’m tired of being unhappy.. i’m tired of being stressed.. i’m tired of my depression holding me back.. I’m tired of being vulnerable. I’m tired of being afraid of hurting those i care about when they clearly don’t give a shit about how i’m hurting. 

I say it all the time, i just want to be happy. and i absolutely mean that, but i feel cornered.. I feel stuck.. 

Before i can truly be happy and do what i need to do, i need to move out, before i can move out i need to get my finances together, before i can do that, i need a better job, to get a better job i’ll either be broke and struggling through college to get a degree that MIGHT help me get a job or i need the availability to find a well paying full time job which will leave minimal time for school. and to do that’ i’d need my mom not to kill me of hate me for not being in school.. and i know that she won’t be okay with that.its just too much.. 

i think about it alot and after a while i realize that no one will care about your happiness as much as you do.. why would your happiness be priority for anyone but yourself? I mean husband, wife, mother, father, but even still they are not YOU.. they won’t ever get it, and sometimes you’ll probably just have to go on ahead and disappoint whoever it is for your sake.. and i’m really leaning towards that route. 

let me go on head and be honest with myself..

i’m angry, i’m frustrated.. I’m drowning in my troubles. I’m constantly taking L’s when it comes to people i love, relationship wise, or even with family.

the only two consistent things i have in my life at this point in time are my bestfriends, lol. and thats probably the realest thing i can say.

I often wonder how i ended up here. If you would have asked me in 2012 where my life would be, i could have told you my five year plan and every other wonderful thing i would achieve in life. I at least had confidence in the direction my life was moving in..

Today, i am LOST. i couldn’t even tell you where i’m gonna be in the next few months.. school as i’m discovering everyday just IS NOT for me, and my debt grows higher and higher everyday. mind you i can only work 20 hours a week and my hourly pay? $9.00.. you do the math, lol. BULLSHIT. i’m scrambling to make ends meat. My friends have been my only source of income lol, and i feel terrible about it because i can’t do for them,

home life is fucking terrible. i’m 21 living with a helicopter mom who treats me like i’m 12. our relationship is draining because she can be so cruel about things but then be my bestfriend and its just becoming emotionally exhausting.. She expects so much from me but wont give me the space or opportunity to accomplish the things I WANT for myself. She’s never supported any decision i’ve made. anything i say i wanna do she’s always got to bring up the negatives or how i have things i need to take care of that are more important. Throws in my face how i don’t have the money and knows i’m struggling to take care othe the things i need to take care of but instead of giving me hope that i’ll make it out of the situation, she reminds me of how irresponsible i am, about how i need to get my priorities together, not understanding that IM THE ONE IN THE HOLE.. like don’t you think i know these things? I’m trying! she has no idea the pressure i’ve been under, the feeling of hopelessness i’ve had to be stronger than.. Do you know how good giving up sounds right now? I’ve been depressed for months, but as we should all know by now, i’m the queen of fronts.

aside from my home and financial struggles, my health is stupid.. I’m big as i’ve ever been, my eyes have shits called pseudotumors in them and i have nerve swelling and excess pressure on my eyes, all due to excess weight gain, lol.. and here i am under all this pressure, filled with all these negative emotions, trying to do better for myself but not getting anywhere..

i feel stuck..

I’ve been sad about being single, about losing someone i’ve loved and been loyal to for all of three years. i felt sad about catching feelings for someone who i knew i’d never be with, but still allowed myself to go there thinking i could handle it and now… lmao.. its just funny cause i really am an I D I O T.but it’s okay, i just have to back up, slow it down, and reset. Like i always have.. because i always lose to any and everyone else.

ugly bitches take people i love, attractive bitches take people i love, lol, its not fair ..  life even took away someone i loved… that i can never get back..

life is a fucking rollercoster, REAL LIFE. and while i am a pro at helping others get through their problems i can barely make it through mine. every day is a constant struggle. and believe it or not, even after losing tyrell, the devil still tries to make me contemplate ending it.. of course my will to live is strong than any thought or idea but shit, its annoying and frustrating… I just want to get on track so that i can be somewhat happy. that way the only troubling thing on my mind is just that i’ll never see tyrell again. that way thats the only thing i’ll have to cry about every now and then. i want everything else to be peachy..

i want love, of the deepest kind… passionate, supportive, exciting, spiritual. i want to be the one someone wants to love, someone wants to share their life with. i want to be someone’s first and only choice, the one they can’t wait to get home to, the one they get chills just from simply thinking about. I want consistent love, respectful love, i want a trustworthy love, unbreakable.

i want success, sustainability, comfort, achieved goals.

i want peace of mind, understanding, knowledge, and wisdom.

most of all i just want to be happy, i want my light to radiate onto others so much that my energy brings them just as much joy as i possess.

i want alot of things, its just obtaining them thats really beating me down..

i hate having to wake up everyday realizing that you’re gone. i hate missing you, i hate being unable to do anything about it but simply miss you. i hate having to remember things about you instead of being able to see you and cherish them with you physically in my presence. I hate crying about you because you hated that. i hate that i fight constantly with myself about if i’ve forgiven you or not.. knowing that i should but i can’t believe that you would take yourself away from me. that you could ever really just leave us behind. like WTF . how could you just go like that? how could you cheat me of my time with you? leave me heartbroken and with so many fucking questions. Its been 8 months, 8 months of silent torture. 8 months of trying to pretend like i’m moving forward from this loss when all i can do is mask this pain with staying busy and pretending to be okay. 

some days i blame you.. i get so angry at you and scream about how selfish you are. My pain turns into rage and i don’t know how to deal with it, and after i’m done being livid i cry about it. and i tell you how sorry i am that i wasn’t there, i feel bad for being mad because i have no clue what was going on in your mind, i have no idea what could have possibly taken you there and i want so badly to understand. and knowing that i never will just refuels my frustration. 

i can’t get over this tyrell, i loved you…. i do love you.. i just knew one day we’d stop playing and just get married, lol. i just wanna hear you speak my name, hold a conversation with me. what i wouldn’t give to hear your laugh, or hear you call me a dick head like you always did, lmfao. what i wouldn’t give to watch you bobble your head around to your favorite songs like you always did, to call you out for being an undercover alchie. If only i could wake up in the morning with you and everyone else and make us all breakfast like we used to, have late nights at the beach and random drives to where ever you wanted.

I’d give anything to hear you call me beautiful, just so i could blush extra hard  get that nervous feeling in my stomach again. i miss your words of encouragement, i miss your positivity, i just miss you. i miss that feeling i felt when i was around you…

tyrell, i miss being

     happy.

trying to search for a way back to who i was before has become a ungiving task and I tell myself all the time that i’ll never be that person again but i still find myself trying to get back there. how do you move forward? how do you deal with living life when you feel that void there in your heart and its constantly eating at you? somedays i don't want to do anything but lay still and just stare into the nothingness of my ceiling. other days i feel like if i just sit somewhere and cry it out, i’ll be able to be strong a little longer. i have days also where i get over my little pity party and put on my strong suit, but underneath, i’m still broken and battered, underneath, i’m still hurting, and thats where i’m struggling. how do i move forward from that? how do i accept it and be okay with you not being here anymore? will i ever? hopefully soon.

As the days grow closer to your birthday, I grow more weary. I’ve become more and more anxious because my emotions when it comes to you can be so unpredictable. It feels like its been some time since I’ve seen you, in my dreams I mean. And you know that seeing you is what builds me back up when I’ve run low. 

For months now I have been fighting this feeling of depression, even still to this day its taking everything for me. I’ve been praying, I’ve been being positive, I’ve been trying to be productive too but when I’m not distracted with busy work, my emotions catch up to me. Because through all the smiles and silliness, through all the strength and warmth i put forth, there is still so much pain below the surface that I have not been able to shake, no matter how hard I try. 

I take it a day at a time, and there are days when I feel like things are getting better but there is always a down fall. I know its the enemy holding me back and i always proclaim with my mouth that no weapon formed against me shall prosper and i swear i believe that in my heart but my mind is fighting me. And thats the weapon that has had prosperity over my happiness and well-being these past couple months. 

Lately I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever be as happy as I was before you passed. If I’ll ever really recover the life I knew before this tragedy drew in these heavy dark clouds over my once electric spirit. I’m fighting so hard babe, i really am.. but how can I continue on without you? Your memory lives on forever, and I swear I can feel your spirit calm me when things get to hectic, but I can’t see you, i can’t feel you, i can’t hear you. I don’t get to grow with you and share physical moments with you. I can’t help but feel like I took the time I had with you for granted.. Any time I missed you i’d tell myself it was okay, i’d just see you another time.. When we were trying to see each other at school but ended up on opposite sides, i should have driven to you. When i said i would come pick you up from your house so we could spend some time together, i should have done that for you. Because i know that wasn’t only for us to spend time together but it was to ease your mind and get you out of that place you hated being in so much. We could have shared more, we could have talked more, I could have let you in on more things I was going through and vice versa. 

I know I didn’t know, and I know I can’t blame myself, but I cannot ever be okay with you being so hurt inside that you felt the only way for things to get better was to end it all. Don’t you know how amazing you are? Don’t you know how beautiful your soul is? Didn’t you feel for us what we felt for you? Didn’t you know how much we loved you? 

I’m so sorry you were hurting so much, and I’m so sorry you felt that you had no one to turn to. You deserved so much more from this life. You deserved the world.. You deserved to smile, and laugh, and to hear “I LOVE YOU” everyday from the ones you needed it most. You deserved a listening ear. You were WORTH IT, you were KIND, you were DESERVING, you were WARM, you were GENEROUS, you were SELFLESS, you were the epitome of a GENTLEMAN, you were SMART, you were CAPABLE, you were STRONG, you were AMBITIOUS, you were CHARMING, you were CREATIVE, you were HILARIOUS, you were RELIABLE, you were THOUGHTFUL, you were ALWAYS WILLING, your life had PURPOSE, you were VALUABLE…  you were and are BLESSING… you are UNFORGETTABLE, you are IRREPLACEABLE, you are an angel among us now, your smile, spirit, and soul engraved in our hearts.. most importantly, baby boy, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE LOVED, and in that there is NO QUESTION. 

I look forward to these dreams, whether a visitation or regular.

 I can’t put into words the feeling of seeing him before me, alive, heart beating, smiling, laughing, to hear his voice, to feel his skin, looking and sounding exactly how he did when he was here. 

I always say he gave me a feeling of happiness that is pretty much impossible to explain and even though it seems to only last a moment, its everything. 

No matter how i try to fill the void, it can’t be done. I’m always going to be missing something. I never thought I’d lose Tyrell, he was supposed to be here forever. I look at pictures in my phone and in my head for a split second I’m like let me call this nigga, tell him to stop playing. I still expect to see him when we get together, when we go to peejay’s, whenever we do something, there’s still a little hope that he might show up. Even though i went to his viewing, even though i sat in his funeral service, even though i visit his grave almost every week, even though everyone has him in their bio’s and post pictures of him expressing how much they miss him, even though i check up on his mom on the regular to see how she’s doing.. Even though his obituary is posted up on my wall. I still have that stupid bit of hope that one day, I’m going to wake up and this is going to be a dream. That i’m going to be able to call his ass and tell him about this crazy dream i had.  

Whats so weird about this is that, I can talk about it but it still hurts. I can go a while being strong but when i break, I BREAK. I feel what i felt that night, i feel anguish. That mental, physical, and spiritual pain. I feel confused, i feel enraged, i feel cheated.. Cheated of time, of love, of life, of a friendship. I feel robbed of my happiness. 

I look back and i wonder how i was able to come from that darkness. Losing Tyrell, and not only losing him but the way we lost him. Someone who was a blessing to so many, someone who we only knew as being happy, and silly, and someone who could always make me smile, laugh, someone who despite my insecurities and low self esteem could make me feel beautiful and worth it. 

He was always there for me in my difficult times, i just wish i could have done the same for him. I wish i paid more attention, and i wish that he knew that no matter what he was going through, that the harder the battle, the bigger the blessing.. 

I can’t wait to see you again t-dad, you wait for me and you watch over me, back me up and be that force that keeps me going. Cause I’m doing okay now, but I’m gonna fall some days, and i’m not gonna wanna get back up. Keep me going. 

Anyway, last night was another one of those dreams for me, but this one was different. Lastnight everyone could interact with him. These past few dreams i had, he had only come to me to talk. This time we were all going out together. So let me start from the top. 

So me, lil mama, sparkle, wolfy, ronald isley, and chrissy got a hotel room, later that night we met up with bria and jennifah and idk why but maurice was there, lol. Anyway, were at a step competition or something like that and T-dad pops up out of nowhere like he always does, lol. So i’m talking to him, we’re laughing, catching up and we start walking. And at this time nobody could see him but from past dreams yall knew that if i ever seemed as though i was talking to myself, that i was actually talking to Tyrell. Well, him and i are walking down the street and he was like i miss you guys and i was like i miss you too, so much and i started crying, and i just kept saying like it doesn’t make sense that i’m with you right now, like you’re not even here. I kept asking how and just saying over and over that missed him and he told me to stop crying and i told him no because we were all hurt, and that i needed him, and i think i said something about how he passed and the look across his face after i said what i said was filled with so much pain. When he was alive, I’d never seen him with that type of expression, one of hurt, or pain, or deep sorrow. So that broke me even more..He walked away fast and disappeared just like he always does anytime how he passed gets brought up. I started crying more because I know now when i do dream of him that whenever that does get brought up and he leaves, its usually the end of the dream.. so jenn came up behind me and started rubbing my back to calm me down, telling me its going to be okay, like she always does. I thought that would be it but the dream continued on.. 

So after that we ended up at bria’s car. everyone i mentioned in the beginning. and i was sitting in the driver seat and Tyrell pops up in the passenger out of nowhere as if nothing happened and is talking to me about what we’re doing for the night. and bria looked in the car and was like WHERE THE FUCK THIS NIGGA TYRELL COME FROM?! lmao, excited af and thats when i realized that other people could see him too, lol, she told him where we were going and he was like aw i ain’t got no shoes for that shawty and idk why this is even a part of it, lol. but bria let him wear some timbs, lmfaoo imagine him in timbs. but yea. so he got out the car and maurice started roasting him, lmfao, funny af then tyrell went over and start messing with kierra, lol. he was squeezing her arm and shit but she was tryna be mad at him but she couldn’t lol. jennifer was turning up in the car being silly and i don’t remember what everyone else was doing but it wasn’t a feeling like Tyrell had been gone.. Everytime i dream of him everything is normal af like he never left. i mean its like we know the situation but once we’re together its just normal. I feel complete and that happiness i felt before he passed its restored. I feel like myself before everything happened. 

my biggest fear in all of this is losing my friends.. 

i never thought my thoughts and feelings would cause such a stir in in relationships and its frustrating, sad, and just awkward. 

we’re supposed to have this FaceTime discussion and i am so fucking nervous about it. i’m so sensitive and i’m afraid to have four people who are upset with me give their opinions on me. its already a challenge for me to say what i have to say to one person but four? its intimidating as fuck.. 

i don’t know how this conversation is gonna go.. is it gonna be us working it out and being good in the end? is it gonna be them telling me about myself and still being angry and needing their space from me? if it gonna be the end of our friendship? i really hope not. 

you know, when you have such a history with people, its gets hella hard to try and imagine life without them. i’ve pretty much been with these bitches daily for what? going on 8 years now. shits crazy! and honestly, i was feeling alone when i wrote those posts before, i can’t say i wasn’t cause i was clearly going through something that made me feel that way.. but after this whole thing happened and i really had no one to go to, that type of being alone is whats scariest. to feel like there is no one in your corner to run to but foreal this time.. 

thankfully ashleigh is sensible, and she helped me get it together and realize i can’t be apologetic for having feelings but also that its just my character to box myself in and shut down instead of really trying to reach out and i guess thats where i’m at fault. kierra said i’m never there when they do have those sentimental moments and i explained that if i’m not there how could i know that y'all share those moments with each other and that i can be vulnerable.. usually when we’re together is just not the time for that. but at the same time, i guess i’m at fault for not trying. you know? i didn’t think that it would translate as me not valuing anyones friendship, of course i value them, i’d be there at the drop of a dime for them.. and i guess i should have known that about them too right? 

i think i’m just guarded, and i’m afraid of the way i feel pushing away people that i care about so i internalize everything and start to really feel alone in my problems because reaching out is so hard for me.. disappointing people i love is a fear of mine, so i try to please everyone else and apparently its at the cost of my own happiness because i haven’t been truly happy in a long time..  for example like, with my dad.. for the longest, i felt like i just wasn’t good enough.. like i wasn’t idk, christian enough, or idk i just felt like everyone else meant more to him than i did and i had so many things built up inside me and so much pain but i was afraid that if i expressed that to him that it’d really push him away and that he’d be angry with me and not want a relationship, i was afraid i’d hurt him. and thinking about it now, i was willing to disregard my feelings for the sake of his, well i did disregard my feelings and i kept that built up and it really did damage to my self-esteem. i think thats partially the reason i am the way i am today. 

i didn’t express my feelings to my dad until this year after tyrell passed and i realized that life is too short. i didn’t express myself to my mom until the beginning of this month, i guess in time i would have eventually come forward to my friends but not all at once, cause that pressure is just petrifying to me. 

yesterday was tough for me, and all i wanted was to be surrounded by people who know how to make me smile, people who i felt like, idk, love me? Everyone always tells me like “you know you can talk to me when something is going on” or “we’re your friends, thats what were here for” but when it comes time for these things to be acted upon, idk..

i’ve been asked why i internalize my feelings.. why i don’t say what i have to say when i’m feeling some type of way, want to know why? because when i speak, people don’t understand the intensity of my situation, people don’t get the fact that i literally feel like i’m downing in my fucking problems sometimes. that this positive light i’ve been giving off, this smile to make others happy, this giddy personality, this is all FORCED but i do it because i need everyone else to be happy for my sake. i need them to make up for the happiness i sometimes lack.

i drink so smile, i smoke to relax, but now its not even fun for me anymore. i find that my problems find a way to ruin my moods even still while i’m intoxicated. i don’t find comfort in weed and liquor anymore, i don’t know how to go to my friends.. i don’t trust that people care like they say they do because a word is one thing and an action is another.

You know how people always used to say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? that bullshit.

my cuts, bruises, and broken bones heal. my mind does not forget when people lie to me, my mind does not forget when i needed someone and had no one to turn to.. my mind does not forget all the times someone made me feel like i wasn’t worth a damn thing.. and what comes after that? you telling me to know my own worth? you telling me that no one should have that kind of power? that i am important to someone? shits not realistic and if i’m important, where are the actions to show?

words mean nothing to me.. tell me you love me, i can say it right back and really not give a rats ass about you. its my actions that show my love for you.. its my actions that show i care for you, me being there shows you that i got you, me talking ain’t nothing but air sound, actions are something i can feel.. something i can see. actions are a form of proof, and i need that.

i know how to put on a front and that what y’all don’t get. i’ll walk around like everything is perfect and you’d never know that my heart is broken and heavy.. that my mind is everywhere but here.. that i was suicidal before and that i cut recently. but why would i say anything? so you can be “mad” and tell me i was wrong for harming myself? so you can tell me what I need to do, so you can tell me that you’re always here for me but be unavailable when i need you most? like yesterday when i was broken down in my bathroom drowning in my inner thoughts because i asked my friends who was free cause i had a bad day and wanted to be with them but one of our friends had work so we couldn't.. i needed someone then, i needed to be consoled, i needed someone to go to and let my words flow but nah.. its cool though..

thats what i have this for.

and watch, when someone finally pays attention and comes and reads all of this, i’m gonna be the bad guy for not speaking up.. i bet you. i’m gonna be the one who should have said something.. i’m gonna be wrong for feeling the way i do and i’m gonna get lectured about what friends are for and its no longer going to be about the fact that i’m dealing with something serious here.. its going to end up only being about the fact that i was wrong.. i’m going to get dropped AGAIN, and be even more alone, AGAIN, and i’ll sink back in to that deeper depression AGAIN, but who will know? and will it matter? lol. nah.. because i’m wrong for having emotions, and i’m wrong for having this wall up because of how people treated me all my life. right? thats what that situation is going to tell me…

i already know how it goes.. no matter how good i try to be, to any one… i can honestly say that every single person i’ve been friends with has found something to be mad at me about, has found something to blame me for, has been so quick to judge me, or has been so sure that i am just this bad person….. but has never once cared to listen about how i felt about the situation, or even taken a step back to realize that i never did anything in the first place but have a feeling inside that i can’t control.

and that right there is exactly why i don’t share my feelings, because the way i feel only brings problems for me.. it only makes people that i love angry with me and i don’t want people to be upset with me. i want them to love me and want to be there for me but how can they be there for me if i can’t share my feelings without becoming the bad guy?

……well there it is. there’s my problem, smh..

so today i went to my granddad’s funeral, and of course i was sad about losing him but i couldn’t help but think about Tyrell’s service. One guy mentioned how he’d gotten a chance to talk to grandad and tell him what he liked about him, thank him for everything he’s done for him, tell him that he loved him, and hear him say he loved him back. when i heard this, of course it was amazing for him but my mind instantly went back to T-dad.. i was suddenly filled with anger and jealousy and as much as i tried to ignore it, i couldn’t. I didn’t get to tell Tyrell goodbye, i didn’t get to tell him how happy he made me, and how amazing of a person he was. I didn’t get to tell him that he gave me butterflies in the pit of my stomach like no one else. that i loved him.. with everything in me, i loved him.. that once i wasn’t such an insecure hag that maybe we’d actually date or something. that his compliments, from something as small as he liked my shirt to him telling me that i was the most beautiful thing his “eyez eva did see” actually did boost my little bit of confidence and meant everything to me. Our last text messages we were getting on each other cause we kept missing each others calls and i text him and told him he was fake because he didn’t call me like he was supposed to and he was like “yesssssss we had a long beautiful conversation about how we’re madly in love with each otherrrr remember???” lmao, knew just what to say so i wouldn’t be upset with him, lol. i love him, so much..

today jenn made me realize that i still hadn’t forgiven him and i thought i did..  so here is my letter to you..

Tyrell,

I can’t help but feel like that what you did was selfish.. i always thought that you’d be someone that would be a part of my life until i was old and my hair was gray whether you were my husband or the uncle to my kids, lmao.. and to this day your passing still feels like a dream. I’m angry with you because i didn’t get to tell you what i liked about you, and i didn’t get to thank you for all the times you made me feel good about myself, all the times you made not just my lips curve, but my heart smile as well. I didn’t get to tell you how amazing you were, how intelligent, creative, loving, caring, how fucking funny you were. that you weren’t just some serious nobody that blended in with everyone. You may have been quiet sometimes but your silence still spoke louder than anyone speaking in the room.. whether you spoke or not all of our attention was on you! lol. it was always about you now that i think about it. no like REALLY. You know what… That was it. How could i not see it? Think about it.. its not just me but EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US had a more than special bond with you. Do you know how many people’s lives you’ve affected? SO MANY.. now i’m not saying that was your only purpose here but to touch so many lives in such a positive way, for you to leave such an imprint on so many hearts.. thats what you were here for! When i say i’ve never loved any one like i loved you tyrell man, that is NO exaggeration. I love you boy, and i am so sorry that i was angry with you, i’m so sorry that i was jealous about not saying my goodbyes.. i supposed this is how it was supposed to be, YOU ARE MY ANGEL <3 you were here on earth and you are there in heaven. I forgive you, and i thank you for every moment you shared with me while you were here.. Of course i will miss you, and yes i’m going to cry every now and then, but just know that i love you, and yes your decision hurt us all, but we will recover, and we will be strong, and this situation has brought us all closer together… I LOVE YOU TY-DADDIEZ <3

i'm sure a lot of y'all have that one person you would call if some shit went down.. i'm sure you know if you asked that person to come over and just hangout they would without question.. that you could talk to and open up to that person.. that if ever you felt alone, they'd be there to ensure you that everything's all good.. 

well what about when you don't have that one person? what about when you feel like the only one thats there for you is you but you're too weak to be there for yourself? i don't care what anyone says, having a best friend, or if you don't do titles, someone you can count on can make a world of a difference.

now, i'm not saying i don't have friends.. I have bitches that will pull up if a bitch gets out of line, i have friends that i can go out and get turnt up with.. i have people that make me laugh and know how to have a good time.. but when i just want to chill with someone if we're not in a group or all together, i don't even think about asking for company. 

so on nights like these, when i'm in the house.. drinking my wine, watching netflix, and tumbln'.. i don't even consider hitting anyone up to come and chill with me, because my text will go unanswered or a half ass answer will be given and i'd much rather save myself from feeling like shit about it. 

i really long for companionship from someone who wants to be around me without me having to reach out first. someone who if i ask to just come and chill will do so with out being awkward or making an excuse as to why they can't and end up out with someone else later, or telling me yeah and then disappearing on me instead of just telling me no. 

its a terrible feeling, feeling like you aren't good enough.. it sucks when you feel like no one enjoys your company.. its sad when the only time you seem important is when things are going wrong and you're the issue but you've done nothing wrong. feeling lonely and misunderstood, thats the shittiest thing..

i have shit on my heart i want to talk about. laughs i want to share, goals and aspirations i want to discuss.. i want someone to call me and tell me we're gonna go for a drive or that they just want to chill..  i want someone to listen and be a friend to me instead of me always giving my all and getting shit in return.. i've never been the type to do something and expect a favor or recognition for it, i do things from the good of my heart. because i'm kind and loving. sometimes i just wish i could meet someone who could feel how genuine my spirit it and feed me that same energy..