I had a friend, I even was invited to her rather small wedding some years ago, and I thought we had just been drifting apart the last few years. One of my rapists was our mutual friend and while she didnt know everything cause we kinda drifted apart while I was still processing what happened she knew that I stopped being friends with said person because they did not put in the work afterwards. Like nothing both my rapists did afterwards helped me in any way and while I bet they'd say they tried I do not think they tried. Everything they did was to make themselves feel better and to justify their still ongoing romantic relationship. Nothing they did helped me in any way. The apologies I got were terrible and just.. filled with sentences and words you do not say to the person you sexually assaulted! For example things like "I don't know why I thought I had to fuck you, too" like babygirl maybe don't call it fucking me after I told you it was not consensual?? Anyways yesterday I found out the friend that I thought I just drifted apart with actually is still actively in contact with our mutual friend/my rapist. I don't know what I fucking did wrong! I talked so much about what happened! It's not that victims don't talk, people just don't fucking listen! And my whole friend group, all the people I'm disappointed with are feminist and queer people. Like.. it's so easy to condemn people you don't know, maybe musicians. But the fucking moment it's a queer person you like you act like nothing happened? Did I not make it clear what fucking happened? Everyone's sharing stories about believing victims and being supportive until the perpetrator is a person you like and suddenly you're fucking silent. And I hear your silence so fucking loud. I want all these people in one fucking room and I want to scream at them until I lose my voice.
It's just so unfair and it honestly makes me feel like I did something wrong. Like.. did I imagine what happened? Was it actually my fault? Was my assault not brutal enough, not like it happens in movies and stories and thats why nobody listens? What do I have to do to make people listen to me?
