whale ...

How I wish I can tell you how sorry I am for everything. You're the most important person in my life, and I hurt you. I am extremely disappointed in myself. I never meant for any of this. I never meant to hurt you. And I have to live with that. I'm disappointed for holding myself back and not telling you and expressing the emotions that you deserved to hear.

4 years ago yesterday, I first reached out to you. I wish I could've reached out. I wish I can just talk to you. I wish I can just see you. I wish I can I just hold you. I miss you. I wonder if you do to.

Today has been an interesting day. Not actually interesting, but interesting in the sense of my emotions and feelings. I've been having really high highs and low lows. But today was interesting. I spoke to ****** today and I honestly love talking to him. Him and I always get so deep when we talk. It can be for any conversation. But anywho, I talked to him about you and he opened my eyes a little bit more. The best thing I can do for myself is to focus on myself and be the true Edwin that I haven't been. Become the happy Edwin that I've been wanting to be. I know it'll take some time, but I'll get through this. I don't want to live in a hole anymore. The views are better above ground. And I'm going to do that. I of course am always going to be thinking of you and having you on my mind, but I know I have to do this. I of course am doing this for myself, but also for the people around me, especially you.

The days have come in waves; I feel good at one point, but then I feel sad at the others. The highs are highs, but the lows are lows. It's been weird. Today I went to see a friend and talked and it helped me a lot. I know I've been very vocal about my feelings and that makes my friends worry, but it's because I have pushed down on those feelings. I want to be able to feel what I have in me. It sucks and it hurts, but I want to. It's not fair that I sent her those messages and only thought of myself. I needed to understand what she wants/needs. And that's space and time. And I kept pushing her with my own feelings. I kept thinking that she needed to know all these things when really I needed to sit down and hear her out. I was selfish and I regret it. "Lo hubiera, no existe". And I need to learn that. As much as it pains me not to tell you all these things, it's not fair. Yo siempre pienso en ti. Ojala que tu haces lo mismo.

I had my first therapy session. I wish I could run to you and tell you everything about it. I talked about what happened between us and a bunch of other things. It was nice to talk, but it hurt so much. The entire time I kept thinking of you. When will I hear from you? Do you still think about me? Do you still love me? Do you wish to be with me still? I miss you.

We were supposed to talk today. But it wasn't the right choice. I was going to drive up and see you. But it wasn't the right choice. A little part of me wanted you to text me or call me, but it wouldn't have been the right choice. I was doing really well today. I felt more at peace today. But then I went to the beach. I went for a run. I've been doing that a lot more. But anywho, I went around the time the sun was setting. It was beautiful. But it reminded me of you. I see you everywhere. That's when it all went down from there. Right now I'm currently in a spiral just thinking of all the things I wanted to say and wanted to do to show you my love. I hate how I let myself get this way.

I just miss you.