editorials on life

I think the anxiety is getting worse co Dave goes back to work on Tuesday and it’s the end of our little family newborn bubble and I’m really sad about it. None of the beginning of this process was what we wanted or planned and wasting a whole week in hospital was stupid and I feel like we’re finally hitting our groove and he has to head back. He’s working from home but it’s still not the same ya know. And I know I’ll be fine and I can cope but I also don’t wanna.

Also I’ve only been changing one nappy a day and he’s been doing the rest and now I’m gunna have to do way more of them 😢😢😢😭😭😭🫠🫠🫠

Anyway, the alarm is going off in 37 minutes. Entirely rude. Very unfair. Very unimpressed.

The newborn trenches are so real and my husband keeps being like you should really put him down to sleep but honestly? Having him curled up on my chest is the best and I’m just oh so aware that one day his problems aren’t gunna be able to be fixed with a hug and cuddle and body heat and I’m already missing it in advance.

I have whiplash from all the twists and turns that took because it was truly a wild ride and my midwife has promised me a full debrief session and funded counselling if we need it because damn it was bonkers.

Culminating in ‘we’ll just do one final check before going to theatre because we’re not liking how this looks’ to having a baby in my arms 10 minutes later having pushed him out. It was bonkers. I don’t even remember half of it tbh.

Dave’s gone home to panic clean the house and set some stuff up and pack because he hadn’t even started packing his bags or anything nor do we have any baby clothes with us.

And I’m just here, very tired, in the hospital bed in the delivery ward knowing that as of 6am tomorrow morning I’ll be starting the drugs to bring this little baby earthside and out of me and this is probably one of the last times I’ll ever be by myself for a very very long time.

And I’m already sad to not be pregnant and not have our own little kicks and chats while we drive around and go about our errands and now I’ll have to share him with the world and he won’t be just mine anymore and I’m also just really excited to meet him too and see him.

It hasn’t exactly been the ending to pregnancy that I wanted or planned for but we’ll just do what we can and let the chips fall where they may for the rest of it. I trust my midwife she’s actually the greatest and most of the hospital midwives are good as well so we’ll just roll with the punches and hope to avoid a c section for as long as possible.

It’s funny to be standing at such a defining time point in life. The only other time I remember this hitting so starkly was being at Auckland airport before I took off for Canada and a year overseas and knowing that nothing was gunna be the same afterwards and I guess this is the part where you just have to trust that you’re strong enough and flexible enough to roll with whatever comes next and trust that it’s all gunna work out in your favour.

I’m just doing my best to sit in the trusting it all part of it rather than the oh god how does one push a baby out and then look after it well enough and be a good parent in this ridiculous fucked up world we’re in these days.

so two weeks out from having said child we might need to buy a new car. woohoo. that was 150% not in the budget, le sigh. anyway.

I was gunna write a post about all my mixed feelings about late stage pregnancy but I guess that's less of a priority now looooolllll

Started getting sick last weekend, got my flu jab not really thinking much of it, and then crashed haaaaaarrrrddddd. unnecessarily so. And of course being pregnant you're not meant to take any drugs etc so I went to a pharmacy to be like yo I can hardly swallow is there anything I can take and she was like, not if you don't want to harm your unborn child like so unnecessarily mean. On Tuesday I was so puffy I ended up going to see my midwife to get my blood pressure checked and it was not good. Got sent to hospital to get it checked again and it was even higher so guess who got admitted.

In between feeling like shit plus the cold plus the hypertension they struggled to get it back down, and then needed the fetal heart rate monitor on except I have such an active baby it literally doesn't stop moving and therefore you cant get a 20 minute uninterrupted reading at all.

Got the worst bleeding nose I've had in a long time and freaked the nurse out of the first time that night while Dave and I tried to be like nah it's fine honestly this is just normal sickness for me don't stress. and then later on I coughed so hard I was like oh no I'm gunna puke so had to rip all the monitors off and run to the bathroom to throw up at which point I dislodged the blood clot in my nose so once again freaked the poor nurse out again who was smashing the call button coz I was vomiting blood and again had to be like nah it's one lot of vomit and one lot of nose bleed pls stop. and then they couldn't work out if I'd thrown up the blood pressure meds or not.

and thus commenced 5 days in hospital of trying to stabilise my blood pressure and get reasonable scans of le bebe's heartrate. It did not go well. So we got out late on saturday night, thank god for chem warehouse who dispense late at night and have been chilling at home since. I'm fucking exhausted. and then yesterday I ended up having reduced fetal movements so had to go back to the hospital to get another scan and it turns out he's moved breech which is why I'm feeling less movement but it was still really stressful.

And today I'm actually just so wiped out and tired and just done honestly. I haven't been to work in a week and a half, I'm pooped, and I've done a lot of crying. and its frustrating coz you just never know where you stand or what tomorrow looks like and I'm just over it. sounds like I'll be getting induced early now at 37 weeks so I might have a baby in 6 weeks. maybe 7 if my BP stays stable for long enough but honestly.

Should not have decided to do this at 29 weeks pregnant lol.

It’ll be worth it when it’s done?????

God I hope so.

I have a bunch of errands to run today and wanna go visit my friend who had her baby and then Wound up in hospital with suspected sepsis. I technically have out in for a half day of leave but maybe I’ll just take the whole day and chill for a bit as well.

I need to source a microchip cat door as well for the cat. So many Fkn neighbourhood cats are breaking in at the moment and it’s stressing her out and I don’t like it. Not fun.