edith meowt.

So, I have a lot of PTSD from my last monogamous relationship still.

Which, it ended in 2018? But I guess trauma has a weird way of lying dormant until its triggered....

My ex, John, used to cheat on me virtually - meaning, he would have these relationships with women online. He would send nudes, sext, talk about ‘if he was single’, shared intimate details of MY sexual preferences, saving photos of my friends in various degrees of undress (some photoshopped even to appear “x-ray visioned” through clothes), and deceived me into thinking everything with us was ok.

It fucked with me, hard. 

Especially the last part - He wouldn’t pursue me sexually, he would hide his phone screen from me, he changed his phone’s password (we both had shared ours with each other - made sense at the time), I could *tell* there was a shift in his demeanor towards me. And yet, when I asked if something was wrong, he would deny it. It was damn near gas-lighting. It drove me insane....

So, I would end up snooping on his stuff....I’m not proud of it. It would both satisfy the feeling of being crazy and inside my own head about it, but it was a double-edged sword - I always found something.

And each time? I’d cause a fight, I would be on the cusp of breaking up - and then he’d cry and martyr himself. I would feel so conflicted each time - surely, THIS was the time to leave, right? ...But I didn’t. I was scared to leave, I was heartbroken to think of leaving, I was stubborn in thinking “I can make it work still, we’ve been together for so long...”. I still didn’t....Not until after I ended up cheating on him, myself. 

This has led me to realize, that I have some major relationship anxiety issues.

My partner and I are polyamorous - we live together and plan to someday get married. He has two other partners, and I only have him at this time. Adjusting to his newest partner has been a challenge for me - it seems to bring up these old feelings, that I’m being neglected, or that he’s sneaking something, or that he’s searching for my replacement.... All of which are not true - and I know they aren’t. If I ask anything about his relationships, he always tells me honestly, and has even shown me some messages to help ease my growing pains. 

I can tell, this time is especially hard due to other stressful factors going on with my life - but I’m trying to minimize the adjustment time, and really work through it. 

I WANT to be accepting and supportive. I WANT to enjoy my poly life.

I had therapy today, thought I felt ok. I told her I was ok. And yet, somehow I’m not.

I haven’t posted on here in a bit - but last month, a friend committed suicide. I’ve been in shock, even through seeing her at her viewing before her funeral.

It did become real when I was asked to make her tribute video. I haven’t been able to shake the grief since yesterday.

I can’t see my friends, I can’t comfort them in person. Some of them are talking about never performing again. I’m trying to comfort through messages and check ins, but I think I’m losing myself since no one really checks in with me.

I’m at a cross roads with my career, and not sure what to do or how to pick something my RA won’t mess up.

I feel like I’m listing in an ocean, with no end in sight.

My partner has been very comforting and my rock through these times, but I’m afraid of triggering his depression with my own.

Ex 1: you were a sweetheart - I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more supportive of your mental health issues. You were a great friend of mine, and I miss the days when we were close. You taught me how I love my partners today. I know you’re life improved after me, and I’m happy for it.

Ex 2: I was very not ok with our split, I truly felt like you were my actually first love. I have, since, loved as hard if not harder, but you were that first real taste of it. In a way, I still do love you. But, we grow and move on. You didn’t want to be with me, despite me giving you everything I had in me - but, I’d rather be alone than with someone just tolerating my existence.

Ex 3: I still love you, very much. In order to keep from hurting over it or hurting you over it, I’ve opted to just leave you be. You seem happier with her. I think with you, we had too many sad memories to keep pretending things were ok. I wasn’t happy, I doubt you were.

Ex 4: we gave it a try, not for long but we did. Since we’ve spoken again, it seems maybe there’s something there? You told me last time that you didn’t want to lose me as a friend, but stopped talking to me...you are very confusing. Please don’t come back into my life if you just plan to be confusing.

Ex 5: fuck you. You pissed me off on my birthday, of all days. You are beyond beneath me.

Ex 6: I thought I loved you - but really? I pitied you. You conditioned me to pity you all the time. I gave and gave and gave and there was almost nothing left for me when I was done. You wanted so much from me, and how dare I ever ask for reciprocation. You don’t want a girlfriend, you want sympathy.

To the many that almost were: sucks to suck, but I’m glad we stopped when we did.

I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

If you're not familiar with exactly what it is, outside of commercials for medications for it, its an autoimmune disorder where your body starts mistakenly attacking its own body tissues, mainly targeting joints. Over time, it can lead to bone erosion and joint deformity, if not treated.

There is no real "cause" for this, outside of heredity.

There is no real "cure" for this, just remission of symptoms and pain management.

For anyone who has known me the last 2 years, you may have heard of me dealing with pains in my hands off and on. I always thought it was stress related, or possibly neuropathy pains relating to my neck pinching a nerve...

Well, the last 2-3 months, it had returned with a consistence. I managed the pain between regularly ingesting Advil or Aleve, before finally seeing a specialist (well, TWO but the first didn't provide any answers).

So - now I wait to see where I go from here. I'm sure I'll be put on some sort of medication in time, it might take some time to find the right one. Exhaustion flares it up, so my late nights might be mitigated until I am on a medication. I need to listen to my body when its telling me I've had enough - much of a detriment to my creativity and my late nights working on costumes...

In the grand scheme of things, I know its not the worst medical news to receive - but it is life altering. It's scary. I've been really lucky to live this long without any major ailments or diseases plaguing my daily life. I'm sure, with time, I will find the best means to manage it. My doctor said we caught it fairly early on, so we can slow its progression significantly, so I don't feel entirely hopeless about it...

I guess its just a reminder to me that my 20s are ending soon, that with age comes modifications to ones' life in order to maintain a healthy body. I've also had nightmares of losing the ability to use my hands several times in my life, and this almost feels foretelling in many ways...So, for now, I'm a bit down about it.

Sorry for the long-winded post.

So, in the last two weeks, I’ve

- been producing and graphic designing for 3 shows

- did graphic art for 2 others

- editing and logging extra at work to prepare for America day weekend off

- disowned my brother

- helped my mom pack most of her house to prepare for new flooring because said-disowned-brother is too good to help, and thinks I owe 1 weekend per month at the house to do manual labor

- helped her look for a new house here in Gainesville

- been trying my best to be social

- been dealing with major demons from my past

- spent nearly $200 on a doctors appointment for them to basically shrug at me

And still manage to breathe occasionally.

...and yet people still wanna come at me, saying I’m not doing enough or that I need to extend more of myself for them. I’m so fucking stressed, y’all. I just want a massage and to be simulatenously left alone, just for 5 god damn minutes.