Me on the edge

My blog of edgingtanja is coming to an end. At least temporarily, but maybe permanently.

I’ve experienced many amazing things here and met amazing people. I come from a place of severe self doubt, depression, anxiety, and other mental baggage. In LGBTQIA+ I identified as the „A“, asexual. But I was shown I have a sexuality in me which is worth living. I think edgingtanja has experienced on Tumblr what can be experienced here. It is now time to go home and go back into the real world, put the phones down. And it’s time to say Good-Bye.

I’ve learned you can pause secondary blogs or set them to private/invisible. This is not possible with main blogs, and this is my main and only one. So that is not an option.

I’m close to 1800 followers and I know some came to like me. My content reaches 5 years back. I’m not decided yet if I should delete it all and move on with my life. That decision will come with time. I don’t want to rush it now, as I’m not in a stable place right now.

Maybe I’ll keep it online, but without new content. Just to have my stream of updates to see what YOU are doing. Since I came to like some of you 1800… I would miss that. You can write to me, while the blog is still here. Don’t expect an answer, but you can always hope for one. Do not ask me why the sudden change. This I won’t answer, just as much as this, you don’t know how panic attacks and anxiety work.

I’m not planning to continue to write or journal here. If you are new, start at the past, the oldest post and work your way to the present day, otherwise my mess will not make any sense.

My old „pinned post“ or „about me“ will remain below, in a shortened form. For now. Maybe I should just move on and close the account already. Maybe I wait. Maybe I will be back sometime in the future. My blog was silent for months or even a year before as well. It’s a decision I’m not going to rush.

I got the email that my data is ready for download.

So this blog was about healing traumata. I wrote in my 2018 post my goal was to overcome sexual disinterest and disfunction and try to heal my mental and anxiety issues.

So did it work? Was it worth it?

It’s a partial success at best, but it is a success. I would not want to miss the journey I had experienced in the last 5 years. There have been major downs. The death of my father, a pandemic, the death of my boss, anxiety for job loss, financial insecurity, anxiety for my elderly mother of whom I’m the caretaker. Anxiety for x and anxiety for y. And now I end my blog here because of anxiety issues. Because I cry too much. I accept that this, I could not heal.

I still say it is a success because a very dear friend of mine showed me I’m not as sexually dysfunctional as I believed. My self worth is not below zero anymore. I’m not the frigid stick figure. I can get wet, on my own, with no lube. It’s on my ex when I can’t orgasm with him, not me being broken. I can scream when edging. I’m not dead inside. Thank you, thank you so much.

Any yet, it’s time to go, take a step back, and … I don’t know yet. But here, I can not continue as before. I need to stop soon, as I feel the tears are coming again.

My loves goes out, in no particular order (I’m not in the capacity to sort you now in any meaningful way!) to

@gooncaps69 @dommeana @deniedpet @alwaysopposites @duca-etereo @curiousonick76 @kokos201 @omgjustaperv @z--z--z-z @lynngoons and many I forgot here. Forgive me.

Stepping back from the internet and back to my normal life.

Update: would I have installed the tumbler app if I’d known it would make me cry and weep? Yes, anytime every time. I feel more alive than before.

Update2: I lied about my age. It was sitting the first years at 39. Then 41. The real me is 50, im scared of aging, I’m sorry if this disillusioned you, or if you think I should be more stable or grown up by now. The sun is coming back up, I’ll wipe my eyes and have a coffee outside in the warm rays.

I love you all, Tanja

The old, shortened „about me“ post, copy pasted.

So hi, I’m Tanja, or edgingtanja here. 41, fem, public servant, from Western Europe. I made a pinned post here to let you know the import stuff. This is a blog about coming out of asexuality, self-doubt, anxiety and mental health. LGBTQIA* friendly, I identify as the "A" in that!

This blog contains erotica (in text only) and descriptions of my journey into LGBTQIA*, discovering maybe B and maybe L? Trying to overcome sexual disinterest and disfunction and try to heal my mental and anxiety issues by communicating with like-minded and open-minded people on tumblr.

This is a bit awkward, as my blog is basically closed, as my pinned post explained. I do have my small side blog @tanjagoonette for some silly edging games, but also that is not really active.

I’ve been focusing more on long form content, writing erotica. And short stories kept growing and adding more lore and details, one of them grew into an actual novel, 350 pages long.

It’s about a fetishistic night club, Club Abyss, with a vampiristic background and supernatural overtones.

You can find it on Grometsplaza under this link : https://www.latexstories.net/storiessz/stilettos_of_the_languished_arches101.html

In the shadowy depths of Club Abyss, a fetish club where pleasure and pain intertwine, three women’s lives are bound by curses and vengeance. Lena and Mina, BDSM enthusiasts, fetishists for latex, heels and vibrant dancing, are trapped and slowly ensnared by the dark club, yearning for the lust and desires that have been stolen from them. The enigmatic and cruel hostess Evelyn, thrives on suffering and pain, plotting ever darker schemes to deepen their prey's agony. As the stakes rise and the line between desire and despair blurs, the trio is drawn into a twisted dance of rivalry and retribution. Beneath the club’s glittering façade lies a world of painful needle-tipped challenges, lewd forbidden articles of clothing, obscene and wicked footwear, and an unbreakable drive to reclaim lost freedom. Will Lena and Mina find a way to break free, or will Evelyn’s next move seal their fate in lustful, but eternal suffering?

There is an epub and pdf version as well, containing some silly ai illustrations of scenes and characters, plus it’s a much better format for reading. Drop me a message if you are interested in that.

I’d love to hear some feedback on it.

I'm in rubber!!!

My package arrived a few days ago, so this post is overdue. I'm not in rubber now, but I'll write a bit about my experience. I tried my new catsuit on together with @gooncaps69 while chatting in discord.

So I got it! First washed it off as it arrived powdered, then had to dry it. I was nervous, really nervous as it is so different from PVC clothes, like you see in pants or jackets.

In latex there is no inner lining. While knowing this before, feeling this and about to put in on your naked body is a thrilling experience. I let my hands explore the inside of the suit, and it is pure smooth rubber. All rubber, all the way.

The catsuit is simple black, basic model, and it's chlorinated. That means it is basically a non-stick version and can be easily slipped on, so it is good for beginners and easier to care for.

So...

I slipped it on, pulled it up and closed the zipper. IT IS RUBBER, ALL RUBBER, ALL OVER. The feeling is hard to describe. It's smooth and "slidy".

It was a warm day, so I started sweating, being unused to this. Of course I sweat. Did I mention, IT IS RUBBER? On the inside, all rubber, all the way? I did, I guess.

First that was an unpleasant feeling as it got sticky and made moving harder than it should be. But a few miniutes and a bit of sweat later, it became "slidy" again, gliding over me and feeling strangle erotic.

But it is not easy to wear, especially when it's Summer. But I like the feeling.

After years of considering and reconsidering my fascination with the look of a black catsuit and not the feeling of actually wearing one, I can say I don't regret having spend a good amount of money on one.

Yours,

Tanja

I assume that in the coming months you will be able to take at least a week, if not two, of vacation, how do you intend to spend it?

And which is the one on which you edge more often now?

My favorite model, by far, is Ariel Anderssen. Closer to my age and she has the perfect feet.

Not comparable.

At all.

I’m fucked.

Deeply.

@gooncaps69 learns more and more about how I think, how I tick, when I get bratty and how to get me under control. We have this edge game, where we send pictures fore and back, like a game of playing cards. If one gets triggered, they have to edge. In the beginning I managed very well, even blue balling him. But now it’s like a play where he allows me to get some ground before edging me to pieces…. I end up a sweaty, panting, exhausted mess on my air mattress which is still my only method of masturbation.

I get trained, like Pavlov’s dog, on triggers and certain adult models. By now I can’t even avoiding grinding my pearl hard into the slippery folds of my air mattress, and hitting the edge hard, each time. I can’t avoid it. It’s becoming subconscious. I’ve stopped masturbating alone as it’s getting too much. I get edged so much and so relentlessly. Today three sessions. And a session is normally an hour and ends with me exhausted in the shower.

Also today I understood I won’t be coming to my favorite adult model anytime soon, if ever. When I finally come, it will be to his favorites, not mine.

Not my porn, not my pace, not my edges, not my control.

I’m so done for, so done, I’m , I’m, … I’m a goonette. I’m a forced goonette. I start to understand what that means.

I’m an aging, boring conservative public employee, whom in the office no one would give any sexual thought, getting my brain edged to mush on foot porn. I’m a forced goonette.

@alwaysopposites @dommeana @deniedpet @curiousonick76 @duca-etereo @kokos201

PS: by conservative I don’t mean USA parties or politics. I mean it in the way of “unfashionable“, not being daring, not being out going.

As always, I lube up my inflatable air mattress, strip nude and lay on it to start rubbing, humping and gliding over it.

We exchanged some porn, tumbler posts etc, and I was edging a lot under his command and guidance. Later he counted, 15 edges before work and another 50 in a 110 min, almost 2 hours, session after work.

Im so exhausted and commanded to write this up, then I can get my sweaty exhausted body under the shower.

I begged today, but not to come. To be denied. I asked if he preferred me begging to come or begging for denial. To my surprise he liked me to beg for more denial. I’m denied since April already. But now I’ve kind of settled into denial again as my natural state and an orgasm now would seem interrupting. So I asked to be denied. At least a week more he said. I can live with that! Today… tomorrow I might think differently.

I seems to have this pattern in my denial, at the beginning it is so hard not to go over, then I’m in the now-phase where it seems right to be denied, but after a longer time, in the past, I got very desperate again. So time will tell.

Don't you wish it was much longer?

I'M A FUCKING GOONETTE AND I WANT TO EDGE ALL DAY

Keeping yourself in check all the time must be so frustrating 🤔