pisces more like pischef

140g butter

200g brown sugar

1 egg

240g self-raising flour

90g cocoa powder

chocolate chips, to taste

Cream butter and sugar

Whip in eggs and vanilla

Mix in the cocoa

Fold in flour until just combined

Shape into cookies (they will not spread at all so shape them exactly how you want them)

ingredience:

110g dark chocolate

30g butter

1 egg

55g brown sugar

45g flour

1g baking powder

1g baking soda

vanilla extract

method

melt butter and chocolate together

set aside to cool

whisk egg and brown sugar together thoroughly

whisk chocolate into egg mixture

sift flour, baking powder, and soda into the mixture

add some vanilla extract

mix until just combined

refrigerate for 1 hour

preheat oven to 160°C

scoop batter into little poos on the baking paper

bake for 10 minutes

let them chill for a bit out of the oven

my mum used to stan the hell out of mary macleod when we lived in toronto. alas, those days are over, but these are a pretty fine replica. they’re absolutely delicious. try them, WON’T YOU?

i adapted her recipe because she uses silly scottish things like fruit sugar and durum wheat flour, which i didn’t have in the cupboard.

ingredience

8oz butter (i used salted because... lazy!)

1oz caster sugar (or any sugar that has little crystals - not granulated. or hey, use granulated sugar, i’m not your mother. or am i?)

3oz icing sugar

13oz all purpose flour (2oz + 11oz. that’s not just me showing off my maths skills, it’s important)

1 bar of chocolate (i used lindt because we stan greasy greasy chocolate. it’s not greasy once you cook it though; it’s actually pretty close to the original)

method

mix together butter, sugar, and two ounces of flour until they make like a yellowy dough (mary says to do this by hand, i say use a breadhook)

start adding the rest of the flour slowly, mixing the entire time (hence the breadhook) until it forms a non-sticky but still doughy dough (you don’t have to use all the flour - don’t overdo it!)

form the dough into balls and squish them into biscuit shapes (i used the bottom of a glass)

make these as big as you want the biscuits to be - they don’t spread at all while baking

squish a bit of chocolate in the middle of each one

cook at low heat for about 40 minutes, checking every 10 minutes (i did 150 celsius, but i could have gone lower if i wasn’t being impatient - 120 celsius is probably your lower limit)

it’s only a little bit stolen - and unlike every popular cooking blog, at least i link back to recipes that i adapt a tiny bit and then post for ad revenue. actually, i don’t even get ad revenue. hey, how do you get ad revenue on tumblr?

i used frozen blackberries bc we had some frozen blackberries, and floor apples because there were apples on the floor. outside. i cut out most of the worms though. 

i’m vegetarian so i left a couple in.

for protein.

I ALSO FORGOT CINNAMON AND I MOURN HER ABSENCE. ADD CINNAMON.

also also look how purple she is when you’re mixing her!!! iconic!!!

anyway i hate to be a “autobiography for every recipe” type bake blog so without further ado

ingredience

250g self-raising flour

180g butter

180g brown (i used demerara) sugar + a lil extra for sits and giggles

2 apples (grated and dewormed)

2 eggs (beaten)

225g blackberries

methid

oven to 180

rub butter, flour, and the sugar (but not the extra)

put like a quarter of a cup of that rubbed mixture into a bowl with the extra sugar and mix them with cinnamon, then leave it aside in the rain (note - don’t actually leave it in the rain)

whisk the eggs and apple

lightly stir the egg-apple into the butter-flour-sugar (the big bowl, not the small one)

add the blackberries and stir a lil more (i stirred a lot hence the purple nature of the cake and the general indiscernability of the blackberries. tastey tho.)

pour the set aside butter flour sugar cinnamon sugar on top as like a crumbly topping

bake for a long time - about an hour or even more. when you poke it and it doesn’t come out doughy.

i’ve also stolen this recipe from my darling mother, who raised me from birth, who protected me through my whole life, and je ne regrette rien

Drained tin of chickpeas 

3 cloves garlic chopped up n junk

1 tsp mixed herbs

2 sundried tomatoes removed from oil

50g rolled oats

200g grated carrot

10g fresh ginger, grated

Some basil

100g pine nuts

1 egg 

1/2 tsp ras el hanout 

1 tsp paprika 

1 tsp salt

2 tsp oil from the sundried tomatoes 

2 tbsp wholewheat flour

1 tbsp sesame seeds 

Preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan

Blend chickpeas, garlic, herbs, and tomatoes

Mix in the rest of the ingredients (not blending)

Roll dough into meatball sized balls

Brush with olive oil and cook for 25 minutes

Cook pasta and some sort of sauce (I just fried tomatoes and courgettes but do what you like)

ingredience (half it if you don’t have 12 people in your house like some of us)

350g butter

200g sugar

generous helping of golden syrup

500g delicious oats mmm

i’m also gonna drizzle some dark chocolate on top bc im classy

can we talk about how beautiful she is wow

method

melt together butter, sugar, and golden syrup (about 3 tablespoons?)

mix in the oats

spread into a pan (lined with parchment paper if you like)

cook on 140°C fan for about 40 minutes, maybe a little longer

remove from the oven

melt the chocolate and pour it over

cut up the flapjack while still somewhat soft so you’re not trying to cut through cement

leave in the tin until cool enough to untin

ingredience:

120g dark chocolate

60g milk chocolate

25g butter

½ teaspoon of coffee powder

100g white sugar

100g brown sugar

3 eggs

75g self-raising flour

10g cocoa powder

pinch of salt

vanilla extract

chocolate chips

method:

preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan

heat butter, sugar, chocolate, and coffee in a bain-marie until combined or just microwave them on low power ya bum

add eggs one by one or all at once if you’re lazy

fold in the rest of the ingredients

cook for 20-30 minutes, until almost completely but not quite entirely, set - a little should come off on your poking implement but not all of it, you understand?

btw that beige thing in the background is a pasty mum knitted for the cat... we stan

this is a recipe passed down for generations through our family. it’s embedded in our mitochondrial dna by now.

yr feckin welcome.

you can adapt this to make a lil cake (1 egg) or a big ole cake (∞ eggs) depending on how much you want. a big birthday cake like the one above has 4 eggs including cthupoo. i’m gonna stop calling it cthupoo because this is a cake recipe. you can also make it plain or chocolate. the possibilities are ∞. well. the possibilities are 2.

ingredience:

either weigh your eggs and have the same weight of every other ingredient, or double the number of eggs you use and use that many ounces of the other ingredients. for example:

3 eggs/6oz of eggs

6oz butter/margarine

6oz sugar

6oz flour

it’s that easy! for a chocolate cake, take out some of the flour and replace it with cocoa powder. maybe an ounce?

method:

preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C fan/400°F/350°F fan

cream the margarine and sugar - that means mix them until they’re combined for all you plebs out there

add the eggs and mix

sift in the flour (and cocoa) and mix until it’s a batter, scraping down the sides with a spatula

pour the mixture evenly into your cake receptacles - cupcake moulds, cake tins, bread tins - really, the cake is your oyster. hell, cook it in an oyster if you want. might taste a bit weird though.

cook for about 10 minutes, until a poking implement comes out clean

let them cool B)

want some buttercream on that cake? yeah, i thought so.

ingredience:

100g butter

200g icing sugar

once again, you can adapt this super easily - just use however much butter and double that amount of icing sugar. same method to make it flavoured - take out some icing sugar (about a tablespoon, usually) and replace it with cocoa powder.

method:

combine ingredients until they look like icing

ice the cakes when cool

and to make a cthupoo cake? well. i don’t think you’re a good enough baker to replicate this masterpiece. also all those who graze on it go mad or whatever.

ingredience [makes 12ish]:

80g salted butter

400g self-raising flour

For all you Americans out there, you can use some baking powder in plain flour instead.

some sugar

Not to be Escoffier about it but, it’s really up to you. I have a mad sweet tooth so I just chuck quite a lot in. Maybe do 4 tablespoons? Eat the batter and check, coward.

200ml milk

method:

Preheat the oven to 220°C/200°C fan/450°F/400°F fan

Rub the butter and the flour -  I use a breadhook, but you probably still need to use your hands. Actually, you definitely do. Make sure it’s like a buttery yellow flour. No lumps!

Add the sugar and mix using the breadhook, again, or just kneading with your hands if you’re not lazy like me

Pour in the milk - The vast majority of recipes will tell you to add the milk slowly and gradually. Well, that’s just stupid. Add it all. Coward. Mix. Mix mix mix! Is it a dough? No? Mix more!

Roll the dough to about 1 inch high. Maybe lower. Up to you. Don’t make em too short or you’ll have short sad scones.

Cut with a thingy. You know. A round cutter thingy. You know. Roll it back up so you can keep cutting them out until all the dough is used. Don’t use the star cutter just because you want to use the star cutter. Or do. Be me.

Put on buttered baking trays and sprinkle sugar over them and shove em in the oven for 10 - 15 minutes. The sugar is for the aesthetic tbh.

Take them out of the oven when they’re a delicious golden brown with an amazing smell because of your talent. The picture below shows overdone scones, in my opinion - then again, in my opinion, the best cooked scone is uncooked scone dough. Non-circular cutters don't really work because of the rising, but live your life!

That’s it! Super easy, and apparently delicious. Allegedly. I don’t see it. Serve with clotted cream and jam. Wait, is it jam and clotted cream? Either way, both are gross. Just eat them dry, smh.

ingredience:

115g butter

230g sugar

2 eggs

4 mouldy (okay not mouldy) bananas

80ml milk

vanilla extract

290g self-raising flour

an excessive amount of chocolate chips

method:

preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan

cream the butter and sugar

add the eggs, bananas, milk, and vanilla

sift in the flour and add the chocolate chips

mix slowly unless you want a slow, floury death by choking on slow, floury air

add to cupcake cases in a cupcake pan thingy

alternatively, use a loaf tin for chocolate chip banana bread #lifehack

cook for 10-15 minutes, until a fork/chopstick/toothpick/cursed monkey paw comes out clean

enjoy

do it

coward

these biscuits will save your life. and then ruin your life. because you CANNOT stop eating them. seriously. don’t make them. my recipe #slays.

ingredience for biskits [makes about 15]:

145g self-raising flour

65g cocoa powder

200g sugar

135g salted butter

1 egg

method:

Preheat oven to 200°C/390°F/180°C fan/375°F fan

Mix dry ingredients 

Add butter and egg to dry and mix until combined

Shape the dough into small balls and squash them to a vaguely biscuity shape on a greased/papered baking tray

Cook for no more than ten minutes, until cooked. they should be very soft, or they will be burnt. they should harden when they cool. though.

ingredience for icing:

75g butter

salted or unsalted - up to you.

vanilla extract

175g icing sugar

method:

Combine the ingredients. That’s it.

Ice the biscuits when cool. or while they’re warm, if you like sludge icing and are impatient. which. mood.

enjoy. i promise you will. 

i sort of stole delia’s recipe and also a bbc goodfood recipe, but they were both dumb, so i improvised my own. NOTE: you may think it won’t make a lot, but so did i, and this recipe makes THIRTEEN. so, like, shrink it down if you don’t want 13 lava cakes because you hate fun and being happy.

ingredience: [once again, makes 13]

200g dark chocolate 

the cheaper the better, we’re stingy

200g butter 

i used salted but live your life!

~230g brown sugar

5 eggs

some vanilla extract

100g plain flour

cream

note: only required if you’re a bad person with no taste who thinks chocolate tastes better with cream on it.

method:

Melt the butter and chocolate together in a bain-marie, oui oui, or just in the microwave at low power if you want. (A ban mary is just a pot of water on the hob, and you put your metal bowl of chocolate and butter in the pot so it heats but doesn’t get wet or too hot, ygm? NOTE: DON’T PUT THE METAL BOWL IN THE MICROWAVE OH MY GOD!!!)

Set that aside to cool. I put it in the fridge cus I’m lazy and it cools it quickly. It doesn’t need to be 100% cold, but not hot. Like me - not cool or hot. Just kidding, I’m both very cool and very hot. I’m the most popular boy in school - why, even Harry Potter likes me.

Whisk in the sugar.

Whisk in an egg.

Whisk in an egg.

Whisk in an egg.

Whisk in an egg.

Whisk in an egg.

Whisk in a bit of vanilla extract, if you like.

Whisk in the flour.

Put batter into ramekins/little bowls/souffle pots/darioles/your mouth

At this point, you have two choices. Listen carefully. You need to serve them as soon as they’re cooked.

 So, if you’re serving these as a dessert, as God intended, as I intended, put them in the fridge (or even freezer! the kitchen is your oyster!) until you need em, then preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C fan/390°F/350°F fan and pop the number you want in 10 minutes before you want to serve.

 If you want to eat all 13 at once, I salute you. Godspeed, my child. Again, preheat the oven to those temperatures and cook them for ten minutes.

12. Cook for 10 - 12 minutes - this is up to your discretion. The top should be cracking quite severely, and you can see the liquid coming through. 

13. Serve. They might come out as messes. I lied when I said to serve them straight away. I’m so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me, but I understand if that’s not something you can do. Leave them for a little bit to cool, then run a knife around the edge and tip them into bowls. Serve alone if you’re sensible, beautiful, and intelligent, and have great taste. Tip cream all over them if you are the child of an evil witch and the devil and you’re living on an island where people are mean to you because you’re the worst. 

Absolutely wonderful. Delicious. The talent of this chef. Wow. Makes you think. About food. Because they’re delicious. Have another. Go on.