Love. Change. Love Again.
I’ve been denying a lot of things. And it’s not because i don’t want them to be true; its that it hurts too much to think about.
I broke up with my ex boyfriend 5 months ago, almost 6. There wasn’t any bad blood or fight or anything like that. It was a mutual decision between us because of distance...or supposed distance.
Even though we broke up, we still worked together, saw each other at events, and other things...but those weren’t the hardest parts. Everyday I drove to work in the morning, I would sit in my car, play the song we loved, and cry. Or sometimes I would just cry. I was crying because I was and still am in love with him. I had let him go. I told myself I was okay with that...but im not.
I see him in my dreams, photos, videos, and read about great times with him in my journals and the poetry I wrote for him. I even still have the blue courdoroy button down he gave me.
5 months later...he’s still on my mind.
There have been other guys I talked to since. One guy I’ve liked on and off for years; Another, who I only love as a friend; One who scheduled his face times with me; And another who I don’t think I ever meant anything to.
But he’s still there. In my head and my heart.
I know Im in love with him because seeing him talking about other girls doesn’t upset me or make me feel jealous, but makes me sad. There is a girl I think he had a thing with..someone I know. They started hanging out all the time and posting each other on social media. That was HARD.
Hard for me to see. Hard because it hurt so fucking bad and every time I saw them together..my heart shattered. The girl is beautiful and amazing and artistic and creative and one of the coolest people I’ve ever met. She’s a friend. So i hated myself for the feeling in my brain that told me not to like her..because I really like her.
The only thing I could do was un-follow them both on social media...and once i went to back to college...i wouldn’t be seeing him anymore so it began to hurt less. But I still think about him. All the time.
Whenever I talk about him now..i get so happy and its almost as if ive tricked my brain into thinking he’s still mine. I know i sound insane
UPDATE:
(1 year and a month later post-breakup)
I took the time to finally find solace. I stopped trying to find someone else to fill the void I thought I had. I let my heartbreak fuel my art and my work. I did some amazing things and met some amazing people.
One of those amazing people became my man.
He is beyond anyone I ever thought I could meet. I wasn’t looking for him...it just happened. I feels like I’ve known him forever.
He loves me so boldly...y’all I didn’t think anyone would ever love me the way he does. I am so grateful to God for giving me the strength to find myself.
and leading my bean (his nickname) to finding me.
UPDATE:
(2 years later-post breakup)
I’m still with my bean :) We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on February 15th, 2020. Today is April 13th, 2020. I am not really active on Tumblr much anymore, but every time I log in and click on my profile, this post pops up. The funny thing is, I didn’t remember updating the post the first time, and then, I didn’t even remember writing the post at all.
Things change RAPIDLY. That’s what this has taught me. To know that 2 years ago, I was sad and broken up over a boy that isn’t in my life anymore reminds me that I CHANGE rapidly as well.
My bean and I have had some issues, who doesn’t? We’re working through them. But what hasn’t changed is how much I love him, and he constantly makes sure I know he loves me. The cupcake phase has been long over, and we both realized that.
We only see each other once a week since the COVID-19 outbreak hit our state and we were placed in a Stay Home Order. It’s been a month, and we have another month to go on the order, so I think once this time apart is over, we’ll both be better.
We were co-dependent on each other before. It was like we couldn’t be apart. As much as we loved that, we both knew we couldn’t continue our relationship that way. So, we made some changes and we’re learning to communicate while being apart.
I will be graduating from college in May of 2021. Our plan is to make the move to Illinois when I graduate, so that I can attend graduate school and we don’t have to do long distance. I’ll try and do another update, but no promises. It will most likely happen another year from now, considering I always come back to Tumblr a couple times a year.
UPDATE: January 3, 2023
Its been about 3 years since I’ve updated this post. Three years since I;ve logged on to post. I’m still with bean, but things have CHANGED. I graudated from college. Instead of Illinois, I started grad school in Boston and moved to Massachusetts. Crazy, right? Im in my second year. Me and bean live together. A lot has transpired between me and bean since that first meet, since the first time I spoke about him on this post.
Personally, theres been so much. But I’m still here.
