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I do still want the butterflies.

I still believe that I will find that love that is so unconditional mutually.

Someone I get excited to see

Someone that I get giddy over when I think of them.

Someone that cares about my soul and respects it and protects it

Someone that seeks the lighter moments

That makes me feel secure and happy.

And I really really hope. That when I do find this one.

I love myself 100% exactly how I am.

Any partner I have will always be competing for me with myself.

I just don’t know that there is anyone out there capable of loving me like that.

At this point I’m asking myself.

Am I willing to settle for safe. Reliable. And Beautiful despite being able to love me that deep ?

So. I can choose to create my own life outside of My partner but still connected together rather than that completely indulgent and beautiful soul connection with someone else to bargain with my heart.

Setting boundaries for yourself

Is simply that.

You do not need to explain yourself when someone questions it

Cause you may not remember exactly why.

But you did it for a reason.

Because you knew future You would appreciate that.

Because “it’s a boundary Ive set for myself”

I’d rather be annoyed at just myself for making the one poor choice.

The skin I wear has thickened throughout my experiences.

I have weathered through a lot.

I have addressed parts of me I do not like and am always working on them.

My strengths have come along way

I am proud of the woman I am. The experiences I’ve had. The accomplishments. Finishing school. Focusing on my career and maintaining the social life that allowed me to meet so many amazing humans.

I have struggled and no matter the struggle I face I will always be ahead.

I am safe.

My unsupervised inner child

And the mother I always needed.

Together they make who I am.

And they can still blind side you.

You can date someone you love. Respect. Admire. And no matter how hard you both want it it just might not be right.

There is no formula. No calculation. I just don’t understand. I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

I just want to find love. Lasting love. Safe, wholesome, real love. Love that inspires growth. Love that makes me never feel alone.

Does that even exist? Or am I destined to be alone.

Will that be enough ? Can I find peace in that?

I know amazing connections are out there. So am I shut off to it?

“when I see people and their frustrations I see their hurt inner child.

The person reacting to something that, as a child, never received the proper love that a child needs.

Imagine being at a new job. Imagine starting this job with no idea what you’re doing and you have people coming at you and talking to you like you’re an idiot but like. It’s your first day. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do ?

Imagine being a kid. ?

Going out in the world with no idea what to expect and then being made to feel their feelings are invalid when maybe it really really upset them. ?

We’ve all been there.

Now imagine a grown ass adult.

Someone who has spent 20+ years of hearing that multiple times a day, weeks, months, even years

That person could use a little kindness and encouragement for ANYTHING that innocently makes them happy.

Or even just changing your tone to a brighter octave.

Something that takes so little effort can truly make such a big impact for the greater good.

I want to continue working on my growth. My abundance. My authentic self. Without worries of losing that again.

When I think of dating I feel nervous and fear that I will lose that progress.

I worry I will lose myself and my progress if I am with someone. To have someone question me as this beautiful eccentric being that I am.

To find that love for yourself you once sought so long to find in someone else.

Kids

Are not

Accessories.

Do not have a kid

If your main reason for it is superficial

I’m great at taking care of myself when I’m single.

When I’m in a relationship I put part of that ownis on my partner. I know part of me attaches In a co-dependant way and never fully feel satisfied

I feel like I lose control of myself when my heart attaches

And I now worry I will always miss the signs.

The red flags.

And I worry I won’t see it until I’m left to put myself back together again. All. Over. Again.

I want to trust myself. I want to trust myself that I will make the right choices. That my growth is real and sustainable and reassuring