the tragic end of ebony rose ;

@ebonyxxxrose

jaibo, also known as norimizu ameya × he/him × 21 years old × did+schizo+bpd

34 posts

introduction post ;

↪you hear the sound of raindrops falling. when you look down, it is blood streaming down the rose petals. the garden of black roses is filled with sweet scent of rotten flesh.

general information about me ;

▶ my name is norimizu ameya, but I also wouldn't mind being called jaibo. you can go with ebony rose if you're feeling poetic.

▶ my birthday is march 21th, so I'm just a few months ahead of my bodily age, which is currently 20 years old.

▶ I speak russian, english and japanese, although my knowledge of the latter became limited due to lack of practice.

▶ I'm a member of medically recognised did system who's also diagnosed with schizophrenia-like organic psychosis and autism. I suspect myself having bpd/aspd traits, but it's only an assumption for now.

▶ just as I've said, I'm a very sick, mentally unstable and problematic person, and I will discuss problematic topics and media on this page including snuff, selfharm, guro, rape, fetish porn and so on. if you're under 18 and you decided to look at this then it's your own problem, but if you'll get caught, you'll be blocked forever.

▶ do not interact with me if we're sharing the same source, everyone who will try to contact me will be instantly blocked and cursed for 8 generations ahead.

▶ this blog will be updated only by me, and I plan to use it as a space where I can express myself just as I please, because in other communities I have a reputation to hold. I will appreciate questions, replies and any kind of engagement. you can always dm me or ask for my other socials, however don't expect me to be socially active a lot.

▶ this is your final warning. I repeat once again that there will be absolutely no boundaries to my insanity, I will be as disgusting and violent as I please, and I will post here everything I want without thinking about your triggers, values, moral compass etc.

↪ the blood-soaked leaves are trembling, and all of the fallen drops slowly formed a puddle. the moonlight is shining in its distorted reflection, and then there's a rustle. you see a black cat running among the rose bushes.

now it's time to talk about my favourite things & hobbies ;

▶ my absolute favourite thing in the world is visual kei! my favourite band is DazzlingBAD and my honmei is iT. I enjoy bands with more harsh sound, so my favourite genres are loud kei & menhera kei.

▶ I enjoy doing complicated makeup looks and outfits inspired by my favourite bandmen and I have another page dedicated to it. I also wear gothic lolita and consider trying different styles of jsf.

▶ medicine was always a special interest of mine, and even though I've failed to get a medical degree, I still find pleasure in reading articles, research papers and textbooks, so I will be glad to discuss that in this blog as well.

▶ I love love love horror movies! my favourites are the original saw trilogy and some obscure japanese fetish stuff like hell girl, boko honban and watashi no akai harawata. I also liked slaughtered vomit dolls and other lucifer valentine's works because I'm a fetishist asshole who gets off on this.

▶ my favourite genre of games is survival horror! I've enjoyed cry of fear, silent hill and resident evil. cry of fear is my absolute favourite and I relate to this game on many different levels. I'm looking forward to play outlast series and completing silent hill 3.

▶ I'm obsessed with flowers and their meaning in different cultures. I've read several books on floriography and I love to incorporate language of flowers in my writing. maybe one day I will post some of my poems here in this blog.

▶ I consider bdsm culture & fetishism a big part of my life, and I take pride in being open about my experience just as much as I'm struggling with being unable to fullfil my fantasies. so of course I plan to discuss all these things here and if you're uncomfortable when go get lost <3

▶ I wouldn't consider myself active in different fandoms and I'm not interested in making fanarts or something like that, however I would be glad to discuss some of the things I like. not characters and my headcanons, but my experience and opinion about certain media.

I think that's all for now, so you can sit back and enjoy some of my theatrics〜　

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because of all this medication my anger feels even more exhausting than usual. still, I can not imagine a scenario where I will remain calm in such a situation. these things makes me want to erase humanity as a whole, because every single day I see over and over again how this disgusting creatures violate my faith, the only thing that is dear to me. they are good for nothing, they need to be disposed of, I want them all dead, I want this civilization to meet its end by my hands, because they're nothing, they do nothing, they live for nothing. I hate them, I hate them all so much I want to cry, I want to scream and stab and slice and kill. they should mean nothing, they should be able to do nothing, they should be erased from existence. I want them all to die. I want them all to die. I want them all to die. these motherfuckers try to taint my God. THEY TRY TO BREAK THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD REMAIN ABSOLETE. THEY TRY TO TAKE AWAY FROM ME EVERYTHING I EVER WAS ABLE TO VALUE. I WANT THEM ALL DEAD. I WILL KILL THEM ALL. I WILL KILL YOU ALL. YOU HAVE LOST YOUR RIGHT TO EXIST. I WILL END EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR LIVES.

I'm going to start crying I need someone to touch my ... ugh.

out of curiosity I've asked the people who're closest to me about how predictable I am for them and how much do they think they understand my way of thinking. almost everyone said that I'm either impossible to understand and therefore predict as well, or that they tend to think that they can understand me, but at the same time feel like it's just their own attempt to comfort themselves, and in reality they don't even know me as much as they would like to admit.

I guess it's a fair win!

I need someone in my life who would have kink for every single condition of mine

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the idea of killing myself at my workplace is becoming more and more appealing.

it seems like I'm actually able to achieve different types of satisfaction besides sexual. which is kinda confusing because I would expect my fixation on being sexually desirable to completely erase other parts of my personality or be perceived by my brain as something entirely crucial to my existence. furthermore, the understanding of me being able to experience all different kind of positive emotions and other extremely valuable things without the need to rely on obsessive masturbation, feels... almost liberating, in a way? it looks like I'm able to break the cycle and change what seemed impossible to correct before. and it also shows that I can experience emotions on another levels, that I care, listen and reciprocate. that genuinely healed something in me

somehow my thoughts this night feels so sacred that I'm afraid to share them here, even if the possibility of someone reading this is close to zero. I've tasted my blood and I liked it, I feel like it's a good way to finish this evening. once again, I was so high on my own emotions, that now I'm unable to feel tired. I must have a lot of things to think about, but it seems like I already have everything ruled out. maybe I should just be a little bit silly, who knows?

Hooray i finished it^_>^

Here's my Zera fanart/fanmade poster ^_^

usually I am more interested in medication that can do a huge impact on human body and has countless numbers of side effects, but today I want to talk about one specific drug..

aripiprazole is actually one of my favourite drugs, because it's not only helpful, but also very interesring from pharmacodynamical perspective. it's an atypical antipsychotic medication with a unique pharmacological profile, with it being a functionally selective partial agonist of dopamine D2 receptors, which means that it can play both roles, enchancing dopamine levels when they're low and reducing them when they're too high. it also acts as a partial agonist at a bunch of different dopamine and serotonine receptors as well. this unique mechanism of action is exactly what makes aripiprazole so special, because it's the only antipsychotic drug known to reduce prolactin production and lowering down its blood levels even in people with hormonally active prolactinomas. aripiprazole can lower prolactin levels no matter the situation, even being combined with different antipsychotics, which are proved to raise prolactin levels far beyond normal. that's because it can act as an inhibitor to this drugs due to its own receptor occupancy, so it prevents them from affecting prolactin levels.

by the way, latest studies also shows that it can inhibit estrogen activity to reduce prolactin production, so it can be a good way to combine both your psychiatric medication and gender affirming care!

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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after I've read the report on my psychiatric appointment I feel like I've lost my ability to actually made logical conclusions. sometimes things like this makes me want to cry

feeling more useless than usual because I know all the things I do is futile, although my faith gives me ability to keep going even when nothing makes sense anymore, the feeling is still here, and it's really painful. it's simple to lock your own emotions somewhere deep inside, but it's hard when you feel them for someone else. it's a really alien sensation which I can't really understand, and therefore don't know how to fight

it seems like I truly am unable to make sense of my own words, like there's something important I'm missing, just because of how stupid and flawed I am. I try to reach the conclusion I need to find, and I search for it constantly, but nothing actually happens. maybe I'm just a mistake after all. maybe I don't deserve all of this and should be disposed. feels like I can say a thousand words and not even one of them will make a difference

feeling more useless than usual because I know all the things I do is futile, although my faith gives me ability to keep going even when nothing makes sense anymore, the feeling is still here, and it's really painful. it's simple to lock your own emotions somewhere deep inside, but it's hard when you feel them for someone else. it's a really alien sensation which I can't really understand, and therefore don't know how to fight

truly, the deprivation is the only way to highlight the meaning of things you're being surrounded with. only loss and absence can teach you to value the things you have. the more I lose and the more painful it is, the more I learn to value every blessing I get. once again, I'm willing to lose everything I have once again if that would mean I will finally learn the true price of happiness.

I wish people would appreciate the original stage play as much as they love usamaru furuya's manga adaptation of litchi hikari club. I know that it must be hard for ordinary people to research something that wasn't documented properly, but I believe that because of that readers are not able to understand it's conception as a whole. I saw people talking about toxic masculinity and theorising about how mother figure's traits could've influenced Zera. but all of this people miss very, very important thing: it's not only a specific type of trauma or event that's forcing you to become someone violent and detached from this world, it's also your quality of life, your social status and enviroment around you which makes you unable to do anything to the path you're going on. extreme poverty, bad quality of education, food and every other production, the need to work far beyond any norms and thus neglect your children, that is what makes people so twisted and unable to change. because that is where your whole world is closed around, therefore it's everything you know. it's hard to become something better that where is nothing but filth, starvation, violence and crime around you.

I forbid elitists and capitalists to enjoy litchi hikari club because it was always a really powerful political statement, although portrayed through distorted lens of eroguro and homoeroticism, but that only makes things better.

if you want to understand the ideas that birthed litchi hikari as a concept and understand the environment that surrounded the characters and made them just the way they are, watch "the young and the damned", this movie inspired the original screenwriter and actor, ameya norimizu, to create the stage.

#litchi hikari club

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

one of my favourite japanese idioms is 猫舌 (nekojita), which literally translates as "cat's tongue", and used to refer to people who can't stand eating piping hot food or drinks because their mouth is too sensitive for high temperatures.

jaibo is sleeping on the floor today everybody need to start cry and pity me immediately like I didn't deserve anything like this to happen to me!!!!!!!!

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