journal journey

ugh sad and i miss you so much.

summary:

i have no friends (as usual...)

joel= love of my life who is a 25 yo bartender in chicago... the story behind this guy is seriously straight out of ur fave teen romance book. I promise to explain later, but it’d be a lot easier over the phone/skype

joel is bad at phones also, and i dunno what he really thinks of me... looks like we’re in the same boat there.... sigh.

also kyle and i broke up about a week ago, which is probs why i’m desperate for validation outside of my own

i made a seeking arrangement and tinder today because it was so bad....

don’t worry though, they’re both deleted and probs not gonna be looked at again anytime soon.

avoiding homework. desperately.

SCHOOL SUCX AND I DONT LIKE AA PLZ COME BAK

ok i think i’m good now.

I promise to update with better details soon. 

Thank you for your words of update. I miss you and I wish it were easier to find people to talk about deep/intellectual things with but it’s honestly so damn hard idk. 

you’ll find people though, don’t sweat it

ur amazing and everyone loves you because you are a ray of sunshine <3

hi si,

i miss u and your apt and doing hw at your apt and cooking and your snacks and the smell of loose leaf tobacco in your home LOL but forreal it’s the small things…

i’m pretty goooood i’m just super busy rn, figuring out my job schedules and my visa situation(i most likely need to leave the country to renew my visa), and also im wondering if the novelty of being here will wear off? idk, im just trying to live in the moment and ill deal with that feeling if it comes…

i’ve been here for a little over two months now. earlier today i was thinking about how exactly one year ago i was starting senior year, i was completely unaware of what my last year of undergrad would entail. i had chlamydia (didn’t even know yet) and was enamored with some random guy who is completely irrelevant now. and now i’m here. in taipei. starting a new job. and next year at this time i’ll be starting grad school. lmao. (sounds terrible to start school rn tbh). but yeah life is crazy…. life cOmEs At U FaSt LoLoL ~~

i am finishing up training with a job i’m starting next week. a teaching job, teaching english to little taiwanese kids. ill make $18 an hour so it’s not bad at all. but there’s a lot of prep work and planning that’s not paid for my coworkers are okay, kinda cool being in a community of “foreigners in taiwan”, but also kinda wish some of the people were kinder/smarter, idk, sounds kinda mean but tbh some of the other teachers aren’t super intelligent / super deep. like i couldn’t have “stimulating” conversations with them or anything… shit we talk about is so boring lol. i don’t feel there’s anyone i can talk to deeply about real shit, humanity, life, art. idk. not that every convo needs to be extremely profound, but just kinda miss the option.

there is a guy i met on tinder i really like tho , his name is sandy, i’m not sure if we are just friends or more, but he’s really smart and we have similar interests. i like him because i can talk to him about social justice, feminism, music, reflections about being in taiwan. he’s “woke” ahaha. it’s helpful having him around. and he actually reminds me a bit of you sienna. he’s a super smart guy, jaded by life a bit … etc etc 🙈he reads a lot and writes a lot. since hes really smart he is always challenging life and boundaries and stuff. he is pretty bad at texting. he also smokes a lot of cigarettes and doesn’t leave the house. LOL

other than that, i’ve started a book called “what really matters” by this famous anthropologist named arthur kleinman. he’s a cool dude. the book is just about being a human and how we deal with life when shit gets bad. (e.g. mass murder, unpredictable tragedies, etc). it gets to the core of what it is to be a human (e.g. being a human = to have no control over life, to not have control over basically anything lmao). i think it will be a good read for me at this point in life

hmm what else. idk i’ve just been exhausted so i can’t wait to sleeeeeeep …

pls tell me about your life.. we really ought to phone soooooooon lol we WILL FIGIRE OUT THE WHATSAPP!!

ps who is joel, huh????

have a great weekend ~~ welcome weekend?

On Sep 2, 2017, at 02:27, Sienna Yoo <[email protected]> wrote:

hi can you update tumblr or text me updates?

k thxxxx

Ann Arbor sucks so much more knowing your beautiful smile isn’t in town.

i have been so overwhelmed yesterday and today by the way life works

i was looking through my old emails from about a year ago

bruh

life is so crazy

i was emailing chris and dr dotson.... and dr dotson even sent me an article on the taiwanese healthcare system because i told him i was interested in it

and now im here...

so weird...

ohh god I just went through our old posts too... omggg...

hahahaha

I really haven’t changed at all since the beginning of this blog, but I’m 100% different at the same time? Man, I am such a mopey, whiny bitch holy shit. Once an emo kid, always an emo kid <3 Ugh, it’s depressing to read through these things and catch myself looking into a mirror of present day me in a lot of ways. Damn, this blog survived through my slutty phases and everything. Thank god that’s over with!  Looking back on it, I can see why I’ve lost so many friends over the years lol.... Sigh. 

I wish I could say that I’m radically different in good ways, but I’m actually struggling with the same problems at core... The problems that I’ve dealt/deal with are derived from my own fundamental issues with myself... I realize that, and I’ve realized it for a while. I’m too insecure, lacking confidence, and always trying to hard to come off a certain way towards people. I know I should just “try to be myself”, but 1) I still don’t know what that entails and 2) I care too much about others... I need to care less. I always say I don’t care about things, but I know the indifference is really just depression in disguise, acting as a coping mechanism to block out what’s really affecting me. 

More than anything, I need to work on self care and self love. I guess I just don’t really know how. 

It’s weird to try and be a nice person. Trying to be selfless makes me want to be become increasingly selfish because of the way that others receive my attempts at “selfless acts”... I never feel like I’m doing enough, or that I’m doing something wrong--why else would the people I care about actively try to push me away? People, and the world, make me feel so fucking insane, ha. I’m searching to find balance between caring for others and for myself... I’m not sure what decisions are best for me at the moment, but I know I just need to have more faith in myself...

LMAO SIENNA I JUST READ our first posts and omg I was sooooooooooo angsty! i dont even remember those things happening

hahahahahah ohgod

so cringe

really funny honestly

hahahahahaha,.... 

Okay, I will write a little about me because I know you are **~eager~** to hear about my life. Lol

Things have been good in Taiwan. Things have been really good actually, considering I was not sure if I would like it here, at all. Having low expectations was definitely helpful, haha. There were some rough aspects, but overall it’s honestly been enjoyable… and I constantly feel grateful that life has given so much to me. It makes me want to give back to the world even more.

Work:

I’ve been interning at the Ministry of Health in the Health Promotion Administration. I have just been doing research in English for them, but TBHHHH all I’ve really been doing is 1) trying really hard not to fall asleep at my desk 2) falling asleep at my desk 3) messaging my friends and family 4) video chatting my friends and family 5) looking up jobs that I can work at after my internship ends 6) applying for jobs that I can work at after my internship ends 7) getting emotional about missing Ann arbor and missing all my friends 8) trying to take naps in the fucking bathroom looooooool because im so tired… 9) journaling about my life and my ~~*feelings ~~* (and then getting emotional again) 10) talking to randos on tinder 11) reading random shit on the internet hahaha

Sooooo I haven’t actually done much for the past month, and I have to present my findings next Wednesday…which is kinda unfortunate…lololol im actually pretty stressed lmaoooo. But there’s supposed to be a pretty big typhoon coming this weekend, so I’m kinda counting on it to cancel all my plans this weekend so I will have nothing to do but stay home and work on my research lol. Sigh I guess nothing has changed from my college work ethic hahaha, I hope I finally pull through ..eventually…. maybe after this post I will finally do some work !!!

I’ve been trying to find a job after my internship so I can stay here. Whether or not I truly want to stay here for part (or all!?) of my gap year has actually been a pretty hard decision. Because I don’t know if I will start to get homesick/want to leave Taiwan after spending enough time here… who knows how I would feel in a few months … but if I am applying to jobs, that means I have to commit to staying regardless of how I may feel because I’d have to sign a contract.

But in the end, I decided it’s a risk worth taking. If I left Taiwan, I’d go back to Maryland where I’d also have to find a job anyway. Also, honestly, one of the reasons I think I’ve enjoyed being here is because Maryland had nothing for me… I graduated and left everything I called home in Ann Arbor, and was back in Maryland for almost 2 months. I was surrounded by my parents, had like no friends, wasn’t doing shit, had to go to my parents church, had to see old people I wasn’t very fond of… so yeah, naturally Taiwan has been better.

Community:

Since I’m really extroverted, I was nervous that not being able to have friends in Taipei would really put me off from the city (one of the reasons Maryland was so rough for me). But a lot of my coworkers at work are 20-30 years old so it’s super nice! I already have more of a “community” than I did in Maryland. My coworkers are really nice to me and take care of me with my super bad Chinese and illiteracy. I really like this one guy, he’s really nice to me andddDdDDdD I think he’s gay, which makes me really happy because it’s been super heteronormative here. Like people are definitely more conservative, even the younger people, and have a lot of ideas about what “men” and “women” should or should not be doing. While I’m just constantly over here brooding in liberal thought like *mutters under breath* “everything is a social construct”

I also went to a church one time with my mom, and everyone was English speaking which was cool. A lot of Taiwanese-Americans/Canadians. So I will probably go to another church this weekend because maybe I can meet more English speaking people.

I also have a fair amount of “aunties” here, so it’s nice because they’re really willing to help me out and bring me places. Asian moms are so nice man lololol. So #blessed.

Family:

I’ve been mainly living with my grandparents (sometimes I live at a family friend’s house because it’s closer to where I work). It’s made me really reflective and grateful. I realize that by me just sitting on their couch watching TV and eating their food, I make them feel purposeful and happy… I’m like, what a deal. All I have to do is relax and live in their home and I can make people happy, of course, why wouldn’t I do it? They take care of me so much and are so funny. And it’s nice because they are my grandparents not my parents, so they’re really *~chill~* haha. Also realistically, they won’t be around forever so I’m really grateful that I get to spend this time with them, one on one. I am very thankful for the opportunity…

I’ve also been really close to my parents, actually. They have been guiding me a lot with work and with my gap year plans. They’ve been really supportive (even if at first they were pretty against me taking a gap year) and are happy that I’ve had the opportunity to experience life in Taiwan. There’s no other time I would have the chance to just chill and explore and experience shit and they know that too.

Personal growth

I have

Lol i will finish this later

I got pretty far before I got lazy hahahah

Love you lots, Si. I am excited that you can give cookies to your coworkers tomorrow!! They will love it... And I’m sure they’re super yummy haha. I know how much you love giving to people and I’m glad you have the opportunity to do so tomorrow. Xxx May life give you more and more chances for you to give what you have to others around you. It always makes us feel more fulfilled when we give back. That is something that initially drew me to you as a person, and it is such a core characteristic of who you are. Never forget that - it is that passion you hold that allows me to never doubt the fact that the world is lucky to have Sienna Yoo because just by being her, she will make the world a better place. 

Looking forward to your next post hehe hehe ;)

OMG sienna, I had no idea that you had posted so I never checked the blog, I got so excited when I saw you had written something hahaha. 

Dude, wow, yeah... so much as changed since we first started this blog. I just remember when I was in Copenhagen speaking with you, I think that was the summer when we first started the blog... I was in the basement of the apartment complex we were staying in and I was sitting on a random empty mattress speaking with you about GUESS WHO ... Omg i blanked on his name. 

Right, SAM 

LOL. Yeah, i remember you telling me how much you liked him, how you hadn’t felt that way about someone in a long time (or had never felt that way about someone.. I can’t remember). And I was probably obsessed with some random boy at the time that I can’t even remember the name of now. Lollllllllll. So much has changed man. Sometimes I forget I was even in Copenhagen. It’s crazy because I remember when I initially left, like in the first six months after I left and returned to the States... I was thinking that I would miss that place forever. I didn’t think there would ever be a day that I wouldn’t miss Copenhagen and Iceland. My experiences left such an impression on me, and all I wanted to do was to go back, to visit the cities that I loved so so much...places gave me so much growth and exposed me to so much beauty...the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life...  

But the crazy thing is, the feeling did pass... and if I’m really honest, I don’t miss Cope/Iceland very often anymore. Of course when I think about it, I miss it, but it’s not like before when I would think about cope/Iceland several times every day and have this longggggingggg to go back. Part of me is like, dang, isn’t that kind of sad? I was so sure that I was utterly in love with these cities, that I would never forget them and never stop missing them. But now, it’s not even something on my mind unless I am reminded of it by some external source. Of course, if I really delve into the memories and read my old journal posts that I wrote while I was studying abroad, some of the feelings will come back... But it’s just not the completely same feeling. It’s not this pure, wide-eyed, perhaps naive love. It’s a love that’s a little more wise. It’s a love that looks back on past Jess with a little cringe. Ahaha. A large part of the reason I loved Cope was because I loved being able to drink on the streets and club and meet blonde-haired boys, but those are all things I either can do legally here now, or things that I don’t have interest in anymore (e.g. blonde-haired boys #canttrustwhitepeople)

So yeah, dat growth doe… lol. It’s a very beautiful thing, and I have to take time to give myself credit. A pat on the back. A tight hug from me to me. Some extra rest, some extra water. Gotta treat my body and mind well, because really, they’ve taken me quite far in life. I am thankful for my legs for carrying me and supporting me, my mind for its wisdom and direction, my heart for its passion and empathy, my body for its relentless work even when I’ve treated it poorly.

Anywayyyyyyy back to #reallife, DUDE WHAT Janae tho?????????????????????? Wtf?????????????????????????????????????? ????????????? Like… wat????? I can’t believe she was complaining about you. She called you stupid and mean? Lmao im in such disbelief. She is a terrible roommate and you’ve only listened to her talk about her issues and put up with her annoying ass voice. Lol. Ok jk I know she is going through her own stuff. But yeah, still, she cannot be complaining about you when she never does the dishes. Lol. Wow. What??? Sigh. You deserve so much better.. How much longer do you have to live with her? Def just stay at kyle’s, I’m very glad you at least have somewhere to go. And I’m glad to hear you guys are doing well together J <3 I know you don’t’ like to cause any shit, and honestly it’s not worth it with Janae. so I guess just let it ride out… until you finally have your own place <3 What’s the address on Catherine?

I miss you lots too, I miss all your wisdom and hearing about all the interesting shit that happens in your life hahaha. I think you’d find everything in Taiwan really interesting and cool. I think it’d actually be a good living environment for you because it’s relaxing (has a very chill, non-judgmental vibe) but still exciting, and people are super warm and many of them genuinely care for you.

Hello bettertitletobedetermined-but-never-actually!! It’s been well over a year since either of us have posted anything on this... Things are so different since then, and it feels like so much has changed since the beginnings of this blog. 

I just read the last handwritten entry on here, and it was really touching to revisit. It makes me feel like a good person, and it’s funny because I feel like, despite all the growth and change that I’ve experienced throughout the course of my time at UM, I have basically the same advice I always give to my friends.

Last night, I talked to Jared (Layla’s ex boyfriend and now platonic friend that’s still in love with her) for a really long time about life and what it means to grow up. I emphasized a few different points last night: 1) we are slowly perfecting ourselves to become the “perfect version” of who we are, 2) we need to take our time, and 3) we need to appreciate ourselves. All of these points are directly/indirectly referred to in the journal entry from 4/13, but I kind of wanted to just expand on these thoughts so that I can have them written down somewhere to refer to in the future. 

The latin phrase “ecce homo” translates into “becoming who you are”, and it’s a phrase I picked up in George’s book that he sent me. [Ecce homo is a central idea in Nietzche’s philosophy] (Btw, I have not heard from George in ages, but I have a feeling that it’s better this way for both of us...) I love the implications underlying this phrase because it assumes that we are always who we are, and every day is a push towards becoming the “perfect version” of ourselves. In my opinion, the best kinds of people out there are the ones in this state of constant struggle--striving towards self improvement, self growth, and slowly becoming whatever/whoever it is you want. As always, the lens through which each individual perceives life makes each “perfect version” for every person unique in its own way. Of course, there is never a “perfect self”, and if one claims to attain this, honestly, their life is fucking lame and rendered pointless after that because living life, by default, means to inevitably live in a dynamic world. Most of life is completely out of our control, but the most important thing, that we are in full control of, is the way in which we choose to see the world around us.   However, as long as we are making some efforts to achieve this goal of our ideal selves, 

....will finish this later lol 

7/24

So I came back to this over two weeks later.... Lol. I feel like I don’t really even need to continue explaining anything because my points were self explanatory anyways, and I’m not particularly in the mood to bother boring you with unnecessary, preachy articulation. ANYWAYS. I wanted to tell you that I miss you. Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of lonely, and I’ve just been feeling pretty insecure about being who I am. Well, I guess I barely know who I am most of the time anyways, but it’s been getting worse these days... I am just questioning myself, my intentions, and the ways in which others perceive me; I wish I didn’t care so much, but you know how it is. I feel like I’m constantly oscillating between extremes of intense sensitivity and utter apathy about basically everything.. You already know how I am with people and how hard it is for me to make real connections with people/ build actual friendships... I wish you were around because you always make it seem so easy--your radiant energy is seriously magnetic, and you always draw people to you. I envy your charisma and charm, as always. I wish I could experience some of it now because I miss your smile and I miss learning from you. You’ve always accepted me for me, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I miss you because you have always brought me security, kindness, and friendship when I’ve always needed it most. However, despite my longing for your companionship, I am simultaneously so happy for you and excited for all the people whose lives you will touch through your beautiful soul. 

I wish it was easier to find good people like you. 

I heard Janae talking shit about me to Jesse last week, and she basically called me stupid and mean... I chose not to confront her or really do anything about the situation... But of course, it was still hurtful. I’m going to be living alone in a studio next year though! It’s on Catherine, actually. I was upset about it when it initially happened, but it’s whatever...You know how much I hate causing drama.

Some good(ish) news though: I’m still with Kyle and things are mostly good. I think we’re starting to be more of a “real” couple, and I’m really thankful to have his place to escape to when I’m avoiding Janae. That being said, I still don’t feel very comfortable around him... I don’t really know how I act around him, but I’m constantly over analyzing minute details that generally lead to me feeling insecure about myself. My issues surrounding Kyle are essentially just derived from my own fundamental lack of self confidence, and I’m perfectly aware of that... That’s why I miss Kazu so much sometimes; because instead of feeding into my insecurities, his overall demeanor/personality allowed me to feel truly comfortable and secure in our relationship.

It’s past 4 but I’m just gonna write a little because I think it’s good to get my thoughts down...

Today I called my dad because he was incessantly calling Nina and wasn’t leaving her alone... I told him that I’ve been talking to Nina and my mom for a while, and there were obviously many times when he tried to argue about things during our phone conversation...

Most of the conversation revolved around me just trying to calm him down before trying to rationalize things. We literally talked on the phone for close to two hours, and my mom was just in bed listening to the entire conversation even though she didn’t say anything.

Of course my dad’s immediate reaction was to get mad at Nina for not picking up his calls, and obviously at my mom and I for not talking to him even though we know how upset Nina is. I kept trying to explain to him that she was really upset and that I’ve seen her slowly fade into craziness because of everything.

I started out really nice and civil; I kept saying that it’s not just him, it’s just life in general. He still wasn’t getting the picture so I literally destroyed him. It felt so good but also so fucking terrible. I basically asked him upfront if he wanted me to be completely honest and blunt with him. Of course he said yes, so I was like “Okay, but what I’m about to say is going to hurt you. A lot” And then I basically just said everything I’ve wanted to for so long.

I told him again, very slowly and calmly, that every cut I made was from him and that he made me want to kill myself. And he’s doing the same thing to Nina. I explained that since our childhood, he’s always pushed us. I explained that I know he did it because he loves us and that I know he has the best intentions for us, but pushing doesn’t always work. I brought up examples from times he’s pushed all four of us (my mom, nina, hannah, and i) and  we didn’t respond well. I basically told him that Hannah is fucked up because of how much he pushed her and I’m fucked up from how much he pushed me... I think I said it in a good way. I emphasized that he’s smart and charismatic, and he knows about the powers he has to manipulate people. He knows that he’s really good with his words, and that’s exactly why he’s so good at winning every argument and leaving the other person feeling really bad. I reminded him that I know it’s not what he means to do, but that his words are so strong, and so ardent, that it really affects people even if he doesn’t realize it. I told him that Nina is the only one out of the three of us who isn’t completely fucked up. I told him that Hannah and I used to bully her, and we used to force her to take the blame for us throughout our childhood. He knows all of this. He knows that Nina has always been the one to not have problems and be the most independent out of the three of us. But I told him that because he’s a pusher, he’s literally pushed Nina to her breaking point. I told him that everything is exploding now because, for years, Nina has been so fucking strong, so  fucking fierce... An now she’s just... broken. He cried and told me that I should never say she’s broken.. That she’s not broken and that I’m not broken and Hannah’s not broken. I told him that in the end, it doesn’t matter at all who did what or what even happened. It doesn’t matter who was wrong or right; what matters is that we’re all happy and safe, and that we all love one another. I told him that no matter what, we’ll always be family and we should just look to the future.

It was really hard to talk to him the entire time because he was trying to be super argumentative and he literally just kept trying to blame Nina. He just kept saying things like “Well, she needs to understand that what she did was wrong/she should’ve...” blah blah blah. I mean not the entire time, but a large part of it. He only shut up after I gave more examples of how he pushes us, and how him calling Nina relentlessly is the perfect example of his pushing. It was such a long convo.. Literally so much shit from the past was dredged up... We talked about everyone for a long time; Hannah, me, Nina my mom... Ugh it was so exhausting. But I kept my cool because I knew that as soon as I started to get mad/try to argue I would completely lose the fight.

After I brought up the cutting thing and told him really directly that it was all his fault, I told him he should try to blame himself for things. I told him to hypothetically, not just for me, but for everything that’s ever happened in his life, to blame himself for every single occasion. Every single bad thing that had ever happened in his life. He cried and asked “you think I don’t blame myself? I know... I blame myself for everything with you and I blame myself for my marriage with your mom.. I blame myself for everything.”

And it was the first time I’ve EVER heard him take blame. Like that directly and that genuinely... It was really powerful and so good.... But also so heartbreaking. So fucking heartbreaking to make my dad cry like that.. Ugh, I don’t want to think about it.

Anyways, so after that I told him to think back to when he picked Nina up from the airport and to blame himself in that situation too and to try to see things from her perspective. And after that he kinda just realized that I was right... I think.

At the end I told him that one thing he should be proud of is that he taught us how to love and forgive and how to have big hearts. All three of us. I just said something along the lines of: “Dad, you know we all love you. And that’s never going to change. You’ve taught us how to have big hearts and how to love. No matter what, you’ll always be our dad, There will always be fights, and there may be times when we don’t talk: for days, week, years, whatever... But you know that we will always love you and always accept you because you taught us how to love and how to be compassionate”

(This part is true because he taught us how to be loving and compassionate by not being loving and compassionate lol)

I mean he cried... I cried too. Like the conversation was just super emotional and intense but still really good overall. I’m really proud of myself for handling the situation, but also just so drained... In the end though, he’s basically just going to not contact Nina for a little while, and we’ll all have a family talk sometime soon. But yeah... lol he told me I should become a therapist. (Like everyone else does but I can’t because I get way too attached to people)

I called Nina after and she thanked me for dealing with dad for her... And I told her that after 20 years of her always helping me and always doing this for me, it was finally my turn to take care of her, and I was happy to do it.

I’m really proud of the way the call went, and I think that my dad kinda opened his eyes a little more.... I think that Jesus would also really help.

Bluh so I know I haven’t posted on here in a really long time but I know that now is better than never... Anyways, ugh. I can’t even explain how sad your post made me. I feel bad because I wish you had called me/ talked to me while you were feeling so low. But at the same time, I completely understand. Obviously I’m not very good at sharing my feelings/when I’m having a bad time either... I’ve actually journaled for sure, but just not here... I’ve been journaling in the journal you gave me and just in random google docs in my email lul....

It’s kinda just something I do when I’m really upset... I think that you would feel really bad if you read something that I wrote when I was in a hysteria too? I’m posting one that I wrote a while ago below because I feel like you deserve to read something like this from me since you shared that stuff with me. 

Feb 22

It amkes me really sad that I told Kazu I felt like dying and he literally was like "try to make the est of life" okay. why does it hurt so much? why does literally everything feel so bad? why is this supposed to be part of my "training"? I want to kil lmyself. I really, really would enjoy it if I was dead right now. But I have an obligation to live? Why am I always living my life based on my obligations for other people? I always try to think of others before myself, but it always justmakes me miserable. Who ays I wouldnt be better off dead? I know I'm just upset but it's hard when every day feel slike this. What am I supposed to do? Why does it feel like I screamin but nobody cares? I hate this so much. If people actully loved me, they wouldn't want me to live like this right?Living this life just for them, not for me? I feel like it's time to do  something for myself for once. I'm tired of forcing myself to do things for other people. I wish I knew how I could live for myself, but I can't, and being here right now is clearly not helping me Ugh it feels like my entire  life is piling up around me and I just hate everything and I hate living and I just don't understand how death could be worse than this. Maybe if there's a hell and it's worse than this than I just deserve to be there right? Ugh... And now I just don't care and I hate everything. It's too much effort to care.

-----

Lol,... Actually even reading it now I can see that I was just in a really bad place at the time. Journaling is really helpful for immediately trying to get out your feeling/explain them. Not that I disagree with anything that I wrote... Lol. It’s all still true kinda. This is just a very emotional outburst of shit I feel anyways. Sigh. 

I don’t really understand depression at all. I haven’t done my Japanese homework that was due last Friday still.. Lol. I mean I can’t turn it in until next Monday anyways so I’m just going to wait until then? 

I woke up from a nap like a couple hours ago and I was honestly in such a terrible mood. Like I just woke up and literally just hated everything. I hated that Kazu and Janae were in the room so much. It was stupid because literally their presence, and their presence right now (they’re still in the room as I’m typing this) just hardcore annoyed me. Sigh. Maybe the psychiatrist I saw was right... I’m just super bipolar and that’s why I’m constantly irritable?

I feel like I’ve had almost no patience for anything lately... I feel so on edge all the time. Like as soon as I wake up until I go to bed--It’s honestly exhausting. I want to work out with you again I think... I’m not sure if exercise is a healthier way of pushing my body? I kinda just want to work out because I get to hurt my body by just running and hurting my lungs from not breathing well? Lol... I just have this really overarching hatred for most things... 

In Japanese today I was just kinda sitting there and suddenly just got into such a bad mood. I didn’t want to go to squad at all until I saw your beautiful face in Angell. I’m really excited to see your concert this Saturday, I know you said your solo is for me!! I can’t wait to hear your beautiful voice, and I just want you to know what you mean to me. As the OG friend, you hold a very special place in my heart. You know I would literally do anything for you. Next time you feel like you wanna talk, I’m ALWAYS here for you. (No pressure, I understand not wanting to talk when being emotional..But if you do wanna talk!) Even though you feel like you don’t do anything for me, literally just seeing you in Angell today made my day 1000000x better... And you do that for my life too. Because you literally radiate light and good energy. 

I’m excited to work out with you again and just see your smiling face. Your genuineness and kindness is honestly so fucking pure, and you remind me that there is definitely still hope for humanity. Thanks for being my friend. Even though we both have shitty times sometimes and we feel shitty things, It makes me feel better knowing that I at least have you. When I think of your heart and your beautiful face, I feel a lot warmer inside. 

the past 48 hours have been really rough and i cry a lot

i dont even really want to be around people which is really unusual for me

i thought i should journal to try to unpack why

recently i have

realized by talking to my counselor at CAPS that my mom perpetuated if not started my v poor relationship with food and body image. what makes me really feel horrible is thinking about if my mom ever knew that she made my problems that much worse, she would be beyond devastated because she would feel so bad

stalked sooooooooooo many sorority girls on fb and spent so much time doing so and compared myself/wallowed in self pity. this kind of self pity makes my mind go on autopilot and numbs feelings. im really fucking pissed i did that lol its so stupid, im so dumb..such a waste of time

keep thinking i might be pregnant and then take the hypothetical way too far, v unnecessary. like i start to think about what would i do if i was pregnant and how would i even begin to handle the parents situation which obviously makes me depressed and anxious af <-- so unnecessary like plan B works and i know this idk why im drawn to torturing myself with extremely unlikely hypotheticals. cannot express how stupid i feel for this one

cried so many times i have no idea why even, ive even left social situations to cry cuz i want to be alone??? its weird

eaten a SHIT fuck ton of really horrible food fuck me

been inspired to go on an intense diet because i just want to be thin, then after i have that thought i realize im being stupid and get mad and annoyed at myself

felt weird about my friendships, idk these days i keep seeing the self-centered side of my friends, they just talk about themselves or gossip about really stupid shit. i really feel like i cant relate to any of my friends and in turn this makes me feel lonely and like i have no one to talk to lolol. actually this point is pretty big. ill scroll through my phone text conversations to see who i could reach out to to talk to about my emotions but find that i dont like anyone. and i keep having interactions with my friends where i dont like them or think theyre being dumb or make me uncomfortable or feel like they dont care about me. perhaps mainly the last. (e.g. demario and him literally only talking about himself; ola/maisy gossiping and being dumb/not openminded)

feel like ive lost inspiration to travel the world and see things and meet people like i have always dreamt of. ive lost that feeling of being inspired, its like completely disappeared in the past few days. idk i assume my optimistic self will return in the near future and it probably will 

ive wanted food like 24/7 all the time and all kinds of food

felt really fucking fat

i think i actually have gained weight, idk

I want to believe that I have changed. From who I was sophomore year, even. Man this summer was the bomb...

I will make this reflection short. I am glad I am doing this because I think it’s much-needed.

Being home has been interesting, I am much more comfortable (perhaps it has to do with me being more comfortable with who I am, and understanding who I am more. see: starred paragraph below) with my three friends from high school (Tina, Maya, and Georgie). I love them each a lot, and I just feel like I can be myself, whereas before I had to make myself seem cooler or something because I always felt kind like I wasn’t as “cool” as them (re: resting a large part of my identity in being an asian, a minority, and not being white which meant a whole slew of things like being less beautiful, less confident, less assertive, less popular).  

And simultaneously, I don’t like being with my church friends. I just don’t. I can’t lie and say I do because most of the time I would much rather be somewhere else with other people that are not them. Except Hannah, I don’t know why but I still really care for Hannah and enjoy spending time with her. Even Rebecca, Ann (although no real surprise there), Nathan (surprise), Natalie, Mark (surprise)... It’s just not the same. I feel like I’ve grown out of them (see: opening sentence of this post), which sounds cocky. I can’t blame myself for having different values than them, and having different interests and new ideas that don’t mesh. E.g. wouldn’t bring up Bernie Sanders/no one would agree with me, can’t cuss, can’t casually talk about partying or drinking. All the fun shit, basically. 

I wish that they could see that their Christian religion needs to be questioned. There are a lot of fishy weird things happening. And they don’t know it, but it’s actually a lot better outside of the church. I really think life outside of the church is just more fulfilling and ... better. They really need to think about it and stop being so fuckinggggg dramatic. I can’t stand how dramatic they are. Like it’s not a big deal and there is no need to flaunt something that IS NOT A BIG DEAL. JESUS. I get so mad about this. Recently I thought about the possibility of my extreme frustration towards this a reflection on myself and habits - basically I’m implying that I do this and that’s why I’m so disgusted towards it. BUT NO I DONT WANT TO THINK THAT I will just continue to be very annoyed. Can’t stand it omg.. LIke they think they’re so cool doing this thing and dramatize it and flaunt it. Like, for example: this guy will go “oh I have a tinder yeah don’t tell anyone I know it’s sooo bad” me: okay i won’t tell lmao. him: but i don’t actually care that much if you tell people, you know. AKA: BUT ACTUALLY TELL PEOPLE BECAUSE ITS KINDA COOL HOW REBELLIOUS I AM OR SOMETHING. sorry that did not make sense to anyone but me lol.

*** Who am I. An interesting notion indeed. Lol. My parents make me think I don’t know who the FUCK I am. But I do! ...Right?  Perhaps their “it’s just a phase,” “some of your thinking is still young” words got to me. They make it seem like I’m going to look back at me right now and think that I was immature and naive, that I am gullible, have extreme views, somewhat irrational thoughts, innocent thinking, because I’m 19 years old. And thus, my thinking will change, I will change, and I won’t be who I am now or something. And I hate this because I want to know who I am. No, not even that. I hate that because I do know who I am. I don’t want anyone telling me that who I am now is temporary, or that who I am now is stupid or naive or gullible. Like, no. This is my fucking life and I know who I am don’t I? I mean it’s obvious that when I’m 60 I will probably think I was a bit naive now, because I mean, I am 19 after all and I’m in college and I’m passionate about society and people and I like to party (even then, what about that would make older me think younger me was so stupid). But the way they say it is that I’ll think I was so very stupid, whereas the way I see it, I’ll be 60 and kind of chuckle at young me. I mean that’s normal, that’s growing up. It’s not bashing who you were when you were young. Like fuck that I’ve learned a lot of shit this year!!!! I have realized so much about myself!!!! I know what works and what doesn’t!!!! Like seriously fuck that fuck that im mad now lol ok yeah fuck that

Back to the topic, which actually that last paragraph brought it back to the point on the subject of my identity or whatever the fuck that means. I think I’ve changed grown from sophomore year and I’m ready to put that change into action and make my junior year great. I am more confident, and feel a good amount less self conscious. I guess maybe some of that was just growing up. I really just care less about what people around me think, like, it doesn’t matter what people think, a *shrug* mentality. I’ve been “doing me” more these days as well. Even in Copenhagen I think I kinda said stuff and did stuff to fit in or make them like me more or seem cool or whatever. But I think if I could do Copenhagen again, I would say different things, I would be more natural, be truer to myself. God I cheat myself a lot hahah I realized I frequently would try to act like someone else or make it seem like I’m someone else.... Gotta stay true to yourself Jess. haha jejeaojgoiawejg

I think I will be better with boys this year. I feel so much less pressure to hook up/have sex. I’m more comfortable telling people I’m a virgin because 1) who care and 2) yeah there’s nothing to be ashamed about really... lol... there never was... 

If I want to hook up with someone it’ll be because I genuinely want to and I’m feeling twirly. I want to stop doing that thing where I find a boy because I’m lonely - although, I’ll be real, it will probably inevitably happen. But when that does happen, I have to remember that deep down I’m not just looking for sex or a hookup and he probably is. Hopefully that’ll help me set my priorities straight and get less sad or attached or shit.

Messing with boys on tinder has helped me actually. When I first used tinder, I wanted to seem cute so they’d like me/I just wanted affirmation. But now, I just make fun of them without them knowing and don’t care what I say and what they think - mainly. ...Obviously none of this is completely perfect but I really think I’ve improved -- thus, excited to put it “into action” this fall :)

ok im tired now but i should finish this later. i will talk about body image and also how i want to grow in kindness // my concerns about how im getting callous and/or meaner

---

I matched with someone named Will on tinder who goes to Michigan and is friends with some people I am friends with (mutual friends showed). So I looked him up on facebook and saw he was friends with Austin and felt really cringey and uncomfortable and ok yeah im at work ill write about this later

Dear Jessica,

I’m thankful to have you as my friend. I know you get scared that we won’t stay friends forever, but I honestly care about you and love you so incredibly much that there’s honestly nothing you really need to worry about. I’m confident that I’ll still be talking to you complaining about the various mishaps in my life. You know that I’ll always be here for you too.

I think I’m scared of being alone. Whenever I’m alone, my want to smoke weed increases by a lot. I think that I’m just so uncomfortable with my own thoughts and feelings that I constantly need to be around people. I’m scared that I’ve become an “energy vampire”, which is someone who essentially just drains other peoples’ energies to avoid feeling more of their own. People like you, for example, have lots of good energy, so it feels good to be around you. I wonder if I’ve become an energy vampire without really realizing it. I used to be so cool with hanging out by myself, but now I constantly try to avoid it. 

Spending time alone makes me much more introspective on my life and just things in general. It’s not that I dislike it, it can just be very overwhelming for my mental state at times. Sometimes when I’m alone, I just get so lost in my own thoughts that literally carry zero importance to my life. I usually just start thinking about really complex things, like time, or the meaning of life. 

Sometimes these thoughts can lead to me feeling very depressed or alone. Maybe that’s why I hate being alone so much. Even when I’m high, I still crave human interaction. I’m not even sure why. I guess my biggest fear is being alone. Not having friends. Being disliked. Not being good enough. I’m a scaredy cat too. Maybe I’m not scared of stuff in the same way you are, but the things that really scare me really does involve what people think of me, even though I try to put off that I don’t give a shit. I think everyone cares to some extent. 

I’m not sure where my mind has been the last 6 months. I think I’ve jut been going ham on my freedom. Before, I really didn’t have the ability to do what I wanted because of Brian. As soon as that ended, I took full advantage of my newly acquired freedom. I can’t tell if it’s slowing down. I think it is. Especially with Sam. When it comes to Sam, I think my biggest fear is that I was wrong about him.... What if I start to get annoyed with him? What if I stop liking him as much as I do now? I think if I ever ended things with Sam, I would have even more problems really finding someone I would want to be with. 

I’ve been having passing thoughts of transferring schools. For multiple reasons, I would actually love to stay in Colorado. Colorado is and always will be my home. Sam is here. My sister is here. My friends are here. I made the decision to go to Michigan for Brian. Would I do the same for Sam?

But things are so different now. I have you. I have Rachel. I have Regina. I have so many amazing people that I met at Michigan. I’m so scared of being alone though. I think being in Michigan away from Sam will be a lot harder than I can anticipate. I’m not sure I even want to really think about it. The future scares me too.

Emotions are such a strange thing. I’m honestly living a very high time in my life right now. I can say that 100%. This is probably the highest period of my life in the last 8 years. Maybe even longer. I can’t even remember a time where I’ve felt so great about everything in my life. I’m not sure if I’m avoiding my feelings. In a way, I feel like I’ve been so used to being depressed all the time that I can’t really comprehend my feelings of happiness now. 

Maybe I’ve just been stuck trying to avoid my feelings for so long that I’ve just automatically done the same thing with my feelings of happiness? But along with this joy in my life, I’m also ignoring everything else that is coming along with it.

The night where I wrote my last journal entry... Honestly that was a really bad night. Just like the night where I had a bad trip. Rereading through my old journal entries sowed me just how fucking depressed I used to be. It was at about the same caliber as the last journal entry and the bad trip. At least now I can actually identify when I’m feeling really low. I don’t think I was ever really able to distinguish my feelings before. It was just always sad.

I don’t know why I smoke weed. I don’t know why I’m smoking a lot of cigarettes. But I’m feeling happy. I think. I need to delve into my feelings a little bit deeper, obviously... But for now I’m just trying to get my general thoughts down. 

I’ve made sure I haven’t spent an day completely alone. I’m about to go to the museum with an old friend. I’ll be thinking/journaling more about this later.

Thanks for caring so much abut me. I love you.

6/12/15 2:25AM

The gentle breeze glides through me,

kissing my skin, softly.

Running its delicate fingers through each strand of my hair,

welcoming my body with its tender breath,

it embraces me with its subtle grace,

whisking me away from reality.

The moon, hanging elegantly,

shines down on my exposed skin, vulnerable.

The luminosity grazes across my face,

emitting a soft glow of twilight that waltzes across the world,

each ray of light striking me,

enveloping me in a heavenly glow,

ascending my essence into the clouds,

I’m flying.

In a field of wildflowers,

the petals extend themselves toward me,

a disarray of bright colors drowning in a sea of lush green,

the scent of floral aroma wafting through my nose,

gradually filling me until it’s clouded my entire being.

I trail my hands through them

as the grass strokes my legs in airy whispers,

singing of light,

humming of life,

serenading of love.

I look to the night sky.

The stars spill across the black canvas,

a cluster of jewels glistening in the darkness,

peppering the shadows of the sky.

As I gaze, a radiant streak of light sails across the night,

the most brilliant star, ablaze in the sky, flashing before my eyes.

For an instant, the other stars become dim,

the fluorescent beacon flaring across the world,

outshining and immersing everything in a unique gleam of light,

dancing with the moon, frolicking with the stars.

paralyzing my body like a deer in headlights,

I can only gawk in reverence until the light has long sizzled out.

As quickly as it had come, it had soon left.

The darkness consumed the night once more,

the stars glowing faintly in the distance.

The world is no longer bright, but left cold,

and alone.

I can no longer feel the breeze,

I can’t smell the wildflowers,

and the sun will take eternity to rise again.

I’m left with is the image of the star burned into my mind,

etched into the walls of my heart,

where the sun is always shining,

where the grass is singing,

where the wildflowers blossom,

where I can fly.

And here, here is where I’ll wait.

I know the stars will never look the same,

the wind will never feel the same,

the flowers will never smell the same.

My heart will never feel the same.

I’ll wait, patiently.

I’ll wait, alone.