you came to the right house

Tracing over his jaw with her fingertips, Grace took a few beats of silence before she tried to say out loud what she was thinking. “Yeah, we should.” she sighed, looking up to meet his gaze. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do.” Grace told him honestly, pursing her lips while she looked over his expression. They were sort of helpless, really, but she couldn’t live without him. She’d already tried and she couldn’t do it. “But.. I wanna be with you. It’s worth it. It is to me.” Grace told him, her whisper practically echoing through the silent closet. Stroking her fingers down his cheek and resting her hand just under his chin, Grace smiled sadly and pressed another kiss to his lips just to remind herself that she couldn’t. “I just don’t know how we do that.” she sighed heavily, dropping both hands to his chest. “I mean, do we just.. sneak around?” she asked. It didn’t sound all that romantic, seeing each other being everyone else’s backs. But what other choice did they have? Grace couldn’t stop being Hef’s girlfriend because he took care of her financially. Sure, she knew there was no way she could stay there forever, once she started to get older Hef would replace her in a heartbeat. But for right now she didn’t have anywhere to go, didn’t have another place to stay. She needed to at least do a few more shoots and save up if she was going to find somewhere, and after that she wasn’t sure. Waitressing for the rest of her life? And Dylan, he needed his job, his family needed his job. They were stuck, and all they could do was keep everything quiet. Even though every time Grace saw him from the other side of the room she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that she loved him. “What if someone finds out? What if I’m the reason you lose your job? Are you willing to risk that?” Grace asked him, afraid of the answer.

So typical of him to break a moment like that but it was worth it to see Grace relax a little, after all, they were doing it to be happy. If the stress was going to be too much for Grace then he would back out, it wouldn’t be worth it if she wasn’t at least glad about it. But they could find a way, he was sure of it. Releasing his teeth from his bottom lip, he kissed her just as softly as she did, pulling back to look at her just a few inches away. “I want this, no matter what the risk is okay? I love you and I just-” he paused to swallow, realizing that was the second time he had ever said that. It was a lot different that time, took his breath away for a different reason. That was enough to convince him that it would be worth every second of sneaking around and spending time with each other, she still affected him after months apart. “I can’t not be with you anymore.” he said when he regained his ability to talk. At that point all he could do was stoke his thumb across her cheek and hope that she understand that she really meant the world to him, that it was worth anything as long as they could be together. Sure, if he did get fired things would be hard but definitely not on the same scale as not being with Grace. It was probably a good idea to start saving money just in case anything went wrong, in case they were caught out. Dylan didn’t know what would happen to Grace but if it came to the crunch, he knew he would take the blame for it. It would be easier and more believable that way. His hand eventually dropped from her cheek and he kept his arms wrapped behind her back, holding onto his forearm. “You actually love me, huh?” he asked in a barely there voice, his eyes full of happiness.

The rest of the day was normal, all things considered, and Grace went about it as if nothing had happened. The only difference was when someone told a lame joke at the table during lunch she actually laughed, a real smile following and everything. It felt like a weight off her shoulders, finally on the same page with Dylan, knowing they both wanted the same thing. Nothing was going to be easy. Not one thing, but at least now they could stop pretending with each other. The only difference was if they really wanted to be together they would have to keep pretending with everyone else. Grace was on her way back to her room, deciding just to watch some television by herself, when something pressed against her arm. Turning around with a surprised look, she narrowed her eyes when she saw it was Dylan, feeling relieved and curious all at the same time. She wasn’t going to argue, only glancing around before following him to the closet. They really needed to find a new place to be alone. She didn’t even have time to say anything, to tell Dylan how much she missed him before his lips were on hers. Making a surprised needy sound, Grace’s eyes slipped closed when she brought her hands up to the sides of his face, pulling him closer and kissing him back. Clearly, Dylan knew just as much as she did how badly needed this, being close together. They couldn’t do forever with whispered apologies and careful touches, they needed something real. Feeling herself lose her balance from it all, Grace took two steps back and heard a thump when her back hit a shelf behind her, her main focus to fit their hips together, to run her fingers up his back, to sweep their tongues together until it all felt as normal as it used to. They were all panting breaths and swollen lips and Grace wouldn’t stop until she had to, she didn’t want to let him go.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, it could have been ten or twenty minutes, but soon enough he was pulling away to catch his breath. His forehead pressed against hers and he quickly breathed more air into his lungs with his eyes closed. One of his hands had slid underneath the back of her shirt and now rested on her bare spine, something he couldn’t remember doing but he was glad he did. That was the kind of reunion they needed. “See... I missed you.” he breathed out, his mouth pulling up at the corners. For him to even smile had become a big deal. It was hard to find joy in anything when he felt so lost and confused, alone and looking for an actual purpose in life other than working, but within a few hours in her company and her was slowly being reminded of all the good things. Pulling his face back a few inches, he was able to see her eyes in the darkened room, able to see one of his favorite things. “I’m sorry I had to leave this morning, I just I knew I would be late if I didn’t.” he said quietly. It’s not like they had many options. They would always have to sneak out early if they were serious about it, and since he cared about her and both of their places at the mansion, he was willing to do anything. Dylan hated to be that guy, especially while they were pressed together and still recovering from making out a few seconds ago, but he knew they had to be more careful than any other couple. He had no choice but to bring it up. “We should probably talk about this at some point, huh?” he licked his lips and gently scratched her spine with his fingertips, trying to restrain himself for diving right back in and kissing her.

Shaking her head, Grace took a step closer as she listened to Dylan, wanting to say something but not knowing what she could say. She wished he hadn’t left. She also wished she’d just found the courage and told him so much earlier. But it didn’t really do any good now to give him some sort of guilt trip, to stay angry at a situation that got the best of both of them. There was no good guy, no clear bad guy, they were both just trying to do their best. They didn’t mean to fall in love in the first place and now they were stuck, both unsure of what to do next. All Grace knew was that she wanted him next to her, wanted that closeness again, even just for a minute. “Do you wanna stay?” Grace asked instead, a loaded question considering their situation. She wanted Dylan to stay the night, to sleep next to her in her own bed and wake up next to her in the morning. But she also wanted him to stay for good. Blinking slowly, Grace reached out tentatively and grazed his arm with her fingertips, unsure and so unsteady on her feet. “I want you to stay.” she added, looking down for a moment before she could meet his eyes. Leaning up on her toes, Grace pressed forward enough to rest their foreheads together. They were so close, their lips just inches away and a shudder ran down her spine the first time she felt Dylan’s breath on her mouth. For a long time they just breathed together, Grace closing her eyes and taking in the moment before it disappeared. If anything was going to happen again Grace wanted to remember him the right way this time. “I want you to stay.” she whispered, running silent fingers over his arms.

His own hand carefully lifted to her jaw, his fingers smoothly sliding over her skin, his thumb brushing over her cheek, his heart racing. For a moment all he did was caress her cheek and think about how many times he had remembered kissing her while he was away. She was a constant thought, something he was always missing when he woke up in the morning. It was enough for him to finally jutt his chin forward and place the softest kiss to her lips, testing, savoring. Dylan paused to make sure Grace wanted it, she didn’t want to pull away. Things were so complicated and unstable but he didn’t care, he didn’t care what it meant, he really wanted to kiss her. The next time he pressed their mouths together it was for a bit longer, a little less softer, more dizzying. The warmth that spread through his chest was undeniable, and fuck, he really didn’t want to pull away but he knew he had to. Something slow, a little taste of what they used to have was enough for right now, they didn’t need things to spiral or become more confusing. Dylan just wanted to sleep. Right next to her. “Come on.” he mumbled after he pulled back, his eyes opening to check on her. He took her hand and took a step back, nodding behind him. Her bed was warmer than his own, he quickly noticed when he lifted the sheets and made himself comfortable, but nothing was warmer than having Grace there. He couldn’t help but tuck into his body into hers, finding her body underneath the blankets and wrapped his arms around Grace. It was okay for the moment. Things were going to be okay for the night, that was okay, that was comfortable. That was good enough for him.

“No.. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you thought you were alone, I’m sorry but.. you left me.” she accused quietly, taking another step back. “You left me and you didn’t even say goodbye. Do you even know how hard that was? I cried every night- for you. I didn’t eat, sometimes for days, because of you.” Grace spoke up a little to be heard. “I’m sorry but.. I didn’t know I could tell you the truth with everything going on, I thought it would make things harder. All I’ve ever tried to do is the right thing and I can never figure out what that is. I regretted it the second I said it and then-then you were gone. You just disappeared.” Grace told him, angry but her lip was quivering. “It was your choice to go even though it was so obvious-” she cut off. grinding her back teeth together. She was getting louder but she didn’t care, didn’t care if she woke the whole house telling Dylan how she felt. It was time she told him the truth. “I know I should keep apologizing but I think I’m still angry,” she said, reasoning with herself while she looked at him, wild eyed. “I-I’m angry, I don’t care. You and me, we worked perfect together, we never got under each other’s skin, we always looked out for each other and I loved you so-” Grace gulped. “Love. I love you,” she admitted, her voice shaking, “and it really sucked to be alone.” Grace said quieter, terrified and still in the silent room. She had no idea what Dylan would say but it was the truth, and he deserved to know. “I’m sorry I broke your heart but you broke mine right back.” she added quietly, her voice wavering near the end and her eyes watching him, waiting.

She was right. It must have been silent for a little while after she stopped talking, Dylan finally closing his mouth to swallow. He wasn’t about to start excusing himself for what he did, there really wasn’t one, it was a fucked up thing to do to someone. Dylan may not have known that she loved him, but he knew she cared about him. “I’m sorry.” he said quietly, the lamest thing to roll off his tongue. That couldn’t cover it. “I regretted it as soon as I left, I know if I had just stayed-” he let out a deep breath and lifted one of his hands to run through his hair, gripping the back of his neck as he looked down at the carpet. There was another silence that followed. Dylan eventually dropped his hand and looked back at her, helpless. It was going to take more than an apology to fix everything between them, if that was possible. “I’m sorry, Grace. It’s stupid... I thought I was making it easier for you.” The right words just wouldn’t come to his mouth. All he could think to do was apologize and hold her and tell her he wouldn’t hurt her again but she was looking at him with such a heartbreaking look, he knew that wouldn’t do anything. “I never wanted to be on the list of people who’ve let you down. I’d do anything to take it back.” He admitted quietly. His heart was still stammering roughly in his chest and he wanted it to stop, he wanted both of them to stop hurting, he wanted to see her smile again. More than anything, he just wanted to go back to the way things were, to realize she needed more time. Now it was too late.

“I.. It’s- it’s not fair to just demand someone to tell you how they feel, it doesn’t always work like that, that’s why..” she trailed off, knowing full well the dam was cracking. “That’s why I was angry when you came back. I didn’t wanna cry so I yelled and.. I shouldn’t have been like that, I’m sorry, I know, it was stupid but-” Grace stopped, biting at her lip. “It hurt.” she muttered, her voice cracking. It was quiet for a long time after that, every memory a flash in front of her eyes while she looked down at the floor. This was her chance to tell him the truth, to be honest about how she felt and fuck, she was terrified. Ironically, the only thin Grace really wanted was to be closer to him so she could calm down. “And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly the biggest fan of ‘people’ in general, most of the time people can be real assholes and I’ve probably met every one of them, that’s just the way it goes.” Grace started off, a little more animated about the way she was speaking. “I can’t just flip on a switch and be different, it’s hard to get there. But I can get there, I mean.. that night I made you leave it was so obvious and I just couldn’t say it, I couldn’t-” she stopped abruptly, realizing what she’d said. “This. Us, this is a lot more difficult than a yes or no answer.” she finally told him, feeling like that was a pretty adequate answer. Even if that wasn’t the best one she could’ve given him. So to follow up, Grace sighed sadly and whispered, “You listen to me when I talk. You watch me when you think I’m not looking with this dumb look on your face and- And I’m scared. I guess I’m always scared.” to answer more honestly.

She was scared, so was he once upon a time. It was hard to be scared anymore after everything they had been through, the way things had fallen out, he was just tired. Dylan had to realize that he wasn’t the only one who was hurting. It didn’t sit right. “I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone.” he mumbled. Now he knew he wasn’t, in a very painful and strange way, it was a little relief. It made being in the same room as Grace a little less nerve wrecking. It also made him want to be a lot closer. He couldn’t even remember what it was like the last time he touched her, but he knew he probably didn’t appreciate the moment as much as he should have. His back straightened and his mouth curved downwards slightly, the fact that he had to ask definitely a little foreign. “Can you promise you won’t push me away?” he asked asked after a long moment, taking a small step closer. That question clearly held a lot of meaning but right now he wanted to focus on the physical, waiting for her to seem at least a little positive before he walked the rest of the way to Grace. It was late in the night, probably the most vulnerable part of his day, and now the stupidest. He didn’t know what it would accomplish but he knew he needed it, and it couldn’t have hurt Grace either. Dylan wrapped both of his arms around her shoulders, aware that he had never actually done this to her without his mouth located somewhere on her body. He pulled her close and her face tucked into his neck, his heart beat rocking out of his chest and into hers. His face buried into her shoulder as much as it could, his arms resting around the middle of her back. God, that was what he needed. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to let go now that he had done it, the feeling to stay there overwhelming. But he was holding her so tight, after so long of being away from her it was like touching her for the first time. He shouldn’t have left.

Of course her dreams didn’t usually end with the real thing standing in front of her. When Grace managed to stumble out of bed she shot a quick look in the direction of her alarm clock before groaning, padding across the floor and pulling the door open with a huff. “Do you own a clock?” Grace asked while she rubbed her eyes, taking another second to blink away the sleep before realizing who it was, not knowing what that meant. Why was Dylan there? Whatever happened earlier left him wanting something, an answer to whatever question he’d tried to ask, maybe, or just another chance to let her know how horrible she’d been. Either way, Grace sucked in a breath while she pushed her hair behind her ears, feeling suddenly self conscious and transparent and very, very small. “Dylan,” she tried quietly, crossing her arms over her chest. “What are you doing here?” she asked finally. Her heart was beating loudly now, her blood pumping cold from her fingertips down into her toes. A month ago she would have thought she would run towards him, threw her arms around him if Dylan was standing in front of her door. But something happened when he came back, something in her blood boiled that second and she couldn’t treat him like she missed him, couldn’t give him that. Even now, knowing she’d over reacted and hurt him, she couldn’t move from her spot. Instead Grace just stood there motionless, nibbling at her bottom lip while she watched him. She tried so hard to ignore him, to pretend he had no power over her but it was all just a game. And she lost.

“If you had any feelings for me, I know you would have told me on the day. I asked you point blank.” he started, his confidence wavering a little as he watched her. He just had to keep talking and get all of it out otherwise he wasn’t sure they would ever be on the right page. “But lately I can’t help but think, you know, maybe after I left...” he swallowed back the words he couldn’t say. Maybe after I left you realized how important I was to you. It was a fucked up thing to think. He cleared his throat quietly and looked down at his feet again, like a coward who was teetering on the edge. Dylan had been in this situation before and it had turned out terribly, it kind of felt like the same thing. Only this was much more important to him. “If you have been hurting and I’ve been ignoring you,” he swallowed again, looking back up at her. “Then I’m sorry.” He felt like he couldn’t have confused her more. He didn’t answer her question about why he was there, he barely explained anything he was feeling, but at least he had apologized and that seemed like a good place to start. He didn’t exactly want to admit he had eavesdropped on her friends talking about her and how she felt about him. Especially if she was going to say they were overreacting or wrong. It was up to Grace to say something now. Dylan was going to stand there and take anything that she said, whether it be good or bad, and deal with it because he was sick of walking around in the same house on uneven terms. It really was starting to make him feel worse, just standing there, noticing how different she looked from the last night they spent together. She had smiled at him for most of it, her eyes holding a brightness, now they just looked... defeated.

After all, they were the ones who had to constantly have her back, making up excuses, lying right to Hef’s face about what she was doing or that she didn’t feel well when really she just didn’t feel like going to a party. It all felt really grey after Dylan left. And just when it had started to get just a little easier, just when Grace had a sliver of hope, he came back and the pain started all over again. “Andy.” Heather hissed in protest, smacking the other girl with a throw pillow, the sound followed by amused giggles in response. “He’s not just some guy, it’s like another level. She’s completely in love with him, it’s really kind of tragic.” she explained, earning a snort from Andy. “Oh gross. Do you have to use the L word?” she asked with a look. “Well what would you call it? I don’t know, Heather, he’s just so.. he’s amazing. His hair, his eyes, oh the way he breathes is just so damn interesting and beautiful I might just write a book.” Heather mocked in her best Grace-like tone with a smile. “Just give her a break, she can’t help it.” she tried to defend Grace in a small voice, knowing that Andy had just gotten tired of having to look after her like a child. Grace knew she had to be bothering them, it wouldn’t be a surprise. “Then maybe next time we should all agree not to fuck any butlers.” Andy frowned. But Heather already had a grin on her face, snapping, “Or limo drivers.” before falling into a fit of giggles. “Fuck off!” Andy yelled with a smile, smacking Heather across the chest with a pillow of her own before they were both laughing. And that was just about the same time that Grace reached the top of the stairs, heading towards her own room before stopping in her tracks. It was Dylan, just standing outside Andy’s door, frozen like he was trying not to be heard. A suspicious look on her face, Grace walked over wordlessly and stood behind him, her eyes narrowing for a beat of silence before she spoke at a normal volume. “What are you doing?”

He was either really distracted thinking about it or she was just really quiet, but Grace’s voice broke him out of his thoughts and he whipped around, eyes wide like a kid that just got caught stealing fresh out of the oven cookies right from the tray. “Jesus.” he breathed in a hush tone, flicking his eyes back to the door to make sure he hadn’t been caught by them as well. No, just the woman who maybe loved him. His breath hitched. “Nothing.” he said quickly. Fuck. How was he supposed to react to hearing all of that when he didn’t have anything solid, when they were probably exaggerating, when his hopes had risen so quickly that he was scared of being wrong or crushed by it that he wouldn’t even know where to start with her? He was fucked. And now he was just standing there staring at her, as if he could figure out how she felt by just watching her. Somehow, after hearing all of that, that she might have been going through a pain harsher than his, something inside of him melted. “Are you-” he started, only to be cut off by another butler at the top of the staircase. “Dylan, come on, you’re suppose to be in the kitchen.” he said, jogging down the stairs. Dylan turned frustrated and let out a huffed breath, looking at her once before simply walking away. That butler had saved him, he had no idea what he was getting into. His heart was beating a little faster for the rest of his shift. God, whatever he had heard definitely clicked a switch. He couldn’t stop thinking about the things he had said to Grace that day in the closet, suddenly rethinking everything she said to him. It was enough to make his fingers shake while he was staring at the wall, his phone reading a lovely 2:30am. Finally he couldn’t take it, it was probably a stupid thing to do but he had done a lot of stupid things under the same roof, it was nothing new. He threw on a sweatshirt and quietly walked out of his room. He didn’t feel nervous until he was standing outside Grace’s door, the small knock from his knuckles ringing through the empty hallway.

And what he said next made her breath stop altogether, her jaw setting tightly. “Right.” Grace said, her face that professional sort of smile she’d perfected so long ago. The day she learned she wouldn’t have to scrap for rent anymore at seventeen, that was the day she taught herself to be polite without even trying. But that was as fake as it got. “Would you excuse me?” Grace asked in the usual sunny tone, but this time the ruse was broken, her voice cracking while she stood up from the table, tears in her eyes. She had to get away from there, away from Dylan. The horrible part was that Grace had no one to blame but herself. She was the one who’d gotten so angry when Dylan had come back even when that was all she wanted. She was the one who’d asked him to leave, who said all those horrible things to him when he came back. Her own heart was broken but that didn’t give her the right to be horrible and she knew it. But in typical Grace fashion, not knowing how to change anything, Grace just walked away and accepted the consequences. She apologized, in a roundabout sort of way, what else could she give Dylan? So holding her head up high Grace made a beeline for the doorway, hiding out down one of the corners in the next hallway before she let a few tears rush down her cheeks, quietly sniffling while she tried to get herself together enough to go back to the party. Grace hadn’t noticed the way Hef watched her walk out of the room, or the way one of his closer friends muttered into his ear, a judgmental look on the man’s face while he watched Grace flake out on yet another event. This was her new reality, what else could she do?

It was just easier when Grace had been there. His dad came to pick up Brooklyn, he went to bed, and tried to ignore the part of him that wanted to find Grace and apologize. It was a tough pill to swallow, accepting that they weren't actually going to be anything and that he couldn't just run off and comfort her when he was the one who was an ass. He slept on it, literally, and tried to focus on working the next day. That's all it was anymore, working and forgetting that she was in the same house, that he wasn't constantly wishing she was there when he went to bed, imagining what it would be like to kiss her after all those months. To ask how she'd been and what she had been up to, if she missed him, if she ever considered that she loved him. Dylan was too afraid of the answer, so he pushed it to the back of his mind instead and actually did his job. That wouldn't have been so hard if he could concentrate on changing Andy's bed sheets, but he couldn't. At one point he just sat on the edge of the bed and sat staring out of the window, lost in his thoughts about the night before and if he was out of line. Eventually, after about fifteen minutes of being lost in his mind, he got up and finished his job. The next room was Heather's, he had to strip their sheets and replace them with fresh ones, but it was kind of difficult to do when there was someone already inside. They must have been sitting on the bed, hushed words that couldn't have been heard down the hallway, but he had stopped right outside the door. He lifted his hand to knock but paused mid air when he heard his name, his eyebrows pulling down in confusion. 

And now that Dylan’s sister had left them alone all he faults were staring her back in the face. And so was Dylan. His words sent a tremor through her ribs when he finally said something, the strict silence between them feeling forced and hard and all kinds of awkward. She missed the way it was before everything got hard, when she could just talk to Dylan and feel like they understood each other. When it was easy between them. ”I like her, she’s really cute. She reminds me of you.” Grace commented quietly, glancing back towards his sister before returning Dylan’s gaze. It was nice, meeting a member of his family. Even if the offer of tenderness came too late. The moment was tense, but really what else did Grace expect? But Dylan’s question was something she saw coming, at least something like it, something to test the waters. Something from him to try and pull some answers from her. She was acting so hot and cold towards him he was probably having trouble deciding which Grace was genuine and which was just for show. “I-” Grace started before realizing she had no idea why she was there. She couldn’t help it, she couldn’t stand in a room with Dylan on the other side and just learn to be okay with that. “No.” she finally answered honestly. “I guess not.” After that the silence was practically paralyzing; Grace wanted nothing more than to get up and run away but she couldn’t her feet were stuck to her spot, her eyes glued to his, holding Dylan’s gaze for as long as he would return it. “But you probably already knew that, huh?” Grace faked a smile, her head turning to watch his sister for a moment. “What happened to her arm?”

"She fell off a roof. Not mine, she was at her friend's house." he said, actually speaking to her feeling like an odd thing to do. They hadn't just casually spoken to one another in such a long time, he had trouble even remembering their last normal conversation. "That's why I came back. The hospital bill... we were struggling." he admitted quietly. They were still struggling because Dylan hadn't been paid for the week yet, so being there every single day mattered, waking up and avoiding Grace needed to become a habit. But he wasn't going to get up and walk away, not when she was looking at him the way she was. He missed her. He hated thinking it, feeling it when it was such a lost cause, but he did. It was hard not to relive the hard parts when she was sitting there, like he was searching for a reminder of why he should never get his hopes up for anything again, and he quickly found them. He buried them deeply, burning on the way down. "I need this job so much. I know you wanted me to leave when I first got here, but I can't. I think you know that." he added. "I needed to, for Brooklyn." Dylan was vaguely aware that it was still an event, that Hef was walking around somewhere, so were the other girlfriends, but that didn't stop him from sitting up a little straighter. He couldn't be a coward forever, certainly not if he had a responsibility to stay and help out his family. His heart lurched. "Otherwise I wouldn't have come back." 

Smiling softly at his sister’s words, Grace nodded in agreement when Dylan spoke, moving her fingers to pick up her own cookie when her thumb pressed too hard, snapping her teeny tiny double’s arm right off. She almost didn’t react until the little girl sitting next to her acted as if it was Grace’s arm that had just fallen off, looking way too concerned over the fate of the cookie. “You broke it.” the girl noted sadly. “I didn’t mean to.” Grace was quick to reassure her, flicking her eyes up and finding Dylan’s like a magnet, the meaning behind her words feeling thick in the space between them. Every silence felt like that now, like it said a thousand words that were going unsaid and still no one could pluck up the courage to say them. “I’m sorry.” she added quietly, never once moving her eyes from Dylan. It was the kind of moment she really needed. She needed hope. And the little girl, sweet and innocent and naive of the moment, ignored them completely and moved on, the wheels in her head visibly turning while she worked on a solution. One filled with icing to mend the wound no doubt. “We can fix it.” the girl said, so sure of her words; the kind of hope Grace kept looking for but couldn’t quite find until then. Because of that, Grace couldn’t help but believe her. “You think so?” she asked with a smile, the look of hope only faltering a little when she met Dylan’s eyes again. It was a long shot, feeling hope between them, but it was all Grace had. She’d ruined it between them when all she really wanted was to be loved. And she had it. And she just couldn’t say the fucking words.

Almost. He was brought back into reality by Brooklyn pushing all three of the gingerbread men together in the center, making a comment about how cute they were and how she wished she could keep them for herself. She said this about ten seconds before she ate one of the buttons she had glued with icing onto her own. But then she was off, pushing her chair out with a gasp and he had to crane his neck backwards. She was old enough to know that Santa wasn't real and actually came from two different paychecks each year, but she wasn't about to turn down the mountain of wrapped presents being lifted into the living room and neither were any of the other kids who were in awe of them. They had a santa for the kids who still believed of course, but Dylan guessed this was Hef's doing, something nice for the kids. Unfortunately it meant that most of the kids were now crowded around one area, his sister with the broken arm in the midst of it, he was left alone at the table with Grace. He pulled his eyes back when he realized, looking directly at her. He felt his mouth go dry and he wished he wasn't alone. It was easier with Brooklyn there, he at least felt like he wasn't a coward for avoiding her gaze. So he held it this time, playing with his fingers under the table. She couldn't be avoided forever and he did have something to say. "She likes you." he said, the thought seeming obvious. There was so much he wanted to add after that. "Is that why you came over?" Was apparently the top of the list, the words floating from his mouth as he waited, the need to get up and get something to quench his dry mouth a little overwhelming but he wanted to know first.

Putting on her best face, Grace headed towards the table they were at to try and appear casual, smiling at a few of the other kids and complimenting their cookies before turning her eyes on Dylan and his sister. “Really good, huh?” Grace grinned, glancing down at her half eaten cookie and back up to the little girl’s face. “Can I decorate one with you?” Grace asked her, slowly taking a seat next to the little girl. It was terrifying, knowing Dylan was right there and not being able to tell if he wanted her there, if he was ready to tell her to leave. He probably just wanted her to leave him alone on his day off. But Grace wasn’t going anywhere, she needed to stop being scared, she needed to stop treating him like everything was his fault. After all, Dylan put everything out there, admitted how he felt and she told him she didn’t feel the same way. She lied right to his face. And now it was too late to take it back, too late to try and pretend everything was good between them when that was all Grace wanted. It hurt, battling that much with herself. And for what? To find out that more than anything Grace just wanted Dylan to curl up in bed next to her and tell her everything would be alright. It was a small step, turning her eyes up to meet Dylan’s, a soft, pleading look on her face, but it was a step in the right direction. After that Grace looked back to the table, reaching out for cookie herself and a squeeze bottle of red icing. Immediately Grace squeezed it a little too hard, a blob of icing plopping down onto the middle of her cookie. “I might need some help.” Grace smiled, trying to get a reaction out of the little girl.

He didn't even realize he was just staring at her, eyebrows pulled together stuck in a thought when until she looked up at him, her expression causing him to look down at his lap. She had to feel bad. Dylan didn't have the strength or the fight to be pissed and instead got his own gingerbread man to work on. Brooklyn loved it. She was so mesmerized by Grace, he couldn't help but think of how ironic it was that the Trelawney's felt the same way about her. Nobody could notice how his fingers were shaking with just being so close to somebody he missed in every way possible, somebody he needed to hold again. It made him feel lost, being so close to her when he couldn't do anything. Brooklyn was doing all the talking, showing Grace how to draw the face and the hair. Dylan didn't even think gingerbread men had hair, but when he noticed she was using the yellow to do strokes down the neck and shoulders, he realized Brooklyn was making Grace. Sighing, he picked up a red icing bottle and started tracing around the edges just to have something to occupy his mind. Brooklyn didn't even notice he really wasn't paying to her gingerbread men, or Grace's, just sitting in his own world occasionally looking up to see Grace. They were bonding, getting along. And it really made his chest hurt and swell all at the same time. It became worse when he finished the face of his cookie, Brooklyn checking over her shoulder to quickly criticize it. "No D, you forgot the hair." she said, picking up the brown icing. She did a little quiff on the top of the man's head, very proud of herself, which made Dylan smile. Until he saw their cookies, complete with hair, like a group. Like a family. They were both breaking his heart now. "What do you think?" Brooklyn asked him, eyes bright, looking both between him and Grace. Dylan had no choice but to pretend he wasn't upset. "They look great, B." he said quietly, flicking his eyes up to Grace.

The party was still gathering, all the different families starting to arrive and mingle, the parents and old employees of Hef, some probably current, sipping drinks and chatting around the large combined areas in the house. Grace found the people she had to, pressing a kiss to Hef’s cheek and standing near him and the girlfriends for awhile before quietly slipping away, getting herself a drink that was probably a little strong for the occasion. She usually couldn’t find it in herself to care anymore. The kids were all cute, honestly they were. Even if it wasn’t something she got to do often Grace really had a thing for looking after kids, they were just so simple, so carefree and happy. Watching the way they looked at life made her want to be the same way. So it was no surprise that Grace eventually caved and knelt down to talk to a little blonde boy wearing a red tie, all dolled up like an adult and cute as a button. “Hi honey.” Grace cooed, only glancing down at her and not checking her surroundings well enough. “Can I help you grab anything?” she asked a moment later, noticing the girls’ broken arm. But given her response, obviously not wanting help with anything because she could do it herself, Grace decided she and this little girl could have a lot in common. Instead of pushing it any farther, not really the type to antagonize a little kid just because they hadn’t experienced as much life as someone older, Grace lowered herself to the girls’ height and smiled warmly. “I figured that.” In a passing glance she saw Dylan but pretended not to, wondering briefly why he was in regular clothes. It didn’t occur to her, not for even a moment until she saw the way he was looking down at the little girl, moving closer, that she was with Dylan. Then all Grace could do was stare up at him from her spot, a little taken back.

His little sister's eyes were glued to Grace for whatever reason, his mouth instantly curling down as he looked back at her. "Why are we staring?" he asked, genuinely curious as he pulled his eyes away from Grace completely. Brooklyn, in true child fashion, still wasn't pulling her eyes away, They were full of awe and he was a little taken back by it. "Brooklyn?" he asked once more, which seemed to snap her out of it and look up at him, eyes going a little wider as she realized what she was doing. "She's really pretty." she said quietly, Dylan's hear suddenly beating a little faster. Her eyes had drifted back to Grace, truly admiring her and he felt the wind get knocked out of him. "Yeah?" he said, swallowing back the dry feeling in his throat. She didn't answer him then either, she was too busying analyzing Grace like she wanted to actually talk to Grace. "Well, her name is Grace." he said, straightening out the muscles in his back before he tried to steer the conversation away. He wasn't allowed to feel that way, happy that Brooklyn liked Grace, like that even mattered now. Eventually he got his wide eyed sister who was in awe of Christmas and the beautiful women that were in the room, helping some of the kids with the decorating, he got her to sit down next to him at a table. Instantly he was grinning because Brooklyn was eating the limbs off of one while she started to get an icing bag ready for another, mumbling about how they tasted better than the ones him and his dad had tried to make a few years ago.

Too bad she was clumsy at the worst times possible, because without wasting a moment Grace felt the bare heel of her left foot slide on the rung of the ladder, slipping backwards and making her lose balance. She immediately reached out to try and grab for the ladder when she fell back, stopping most of the fall, but the rest of her landing was assisted by whoever had reached out to grab a hold of her waist, keeping her from falling. Of course it was Dylan. His hands were warm on her body like always but this time there was an underlying sting that she hadn’t felt before, something that was no doubt caused by the detached look in his eyes whenever he looked at her. Grace almost rolled her eyes at the situation, knowing it wasn’t all that scary in the first place, she couldn’t have been more than four feet off the ground. But all she could focus on was the uncomfortable silence that followed, Dylan eventually moving his hands from her body and Grace giving him an awkward nod before going back to hanging the lights. In what world was that an apology? After that Grace kept her face turned towards the lights and didn’t look at him once, praying she would at least get a break from Dylan that night when the party started. She couldn’t take having him around all the time when things were like that, so distant, it hurt more than she ever wanted to let on. But the party was for children and their rich relatives anyway, he was bound to only be passing around drinks every now and then, easy to avoid.

She was still recovering with her broken arm, and every night he would hear about how itchy and annoying it was, so he thought it would be a nice thing for her. They were allowed to decorate cookies, make decorations for the tree, learn how to wrap presents - those presents would then be donated - and they would get to take home a bag of candy and assorted presents, thanks to Hef. Nothing made him feel guiltier. He changed into a pair of jeans and a simple red sweater, nothing too ridiculous, nothing covered in reindeers or Christmas trees. Their dad was dropping Brooklyn off at some point, but when he walked into the main foyer - accidentally making eye contact with Grace twice - she was already there, surrounded by kids. Was kind of hard to miss the cast. Her face lit up in a grin, probably happy to see him after a week. She was going crazy after missing a week of school. Dylan smiled back, waiting for Brooklyn to walk around the guests and he could drop low enough to wrap his arms around her. It was less than last time, she was growing way too fast. "Hey, you and your three limbs made it." he said to her, pulling back to see the already annoyed look on Brooklyn's face. It immediately made him mumble a laugh, noticing how many people had signed it since he last saw it. Of course, Dylan was the first one, he liked to think he started the trend for her. "Have you had any dinner?" he asked curiously, figuring he could order her something if she hadn't, but she nodded. "Dad got us a pizza." she said, Dylan's hand now resting on her upper back as they started to walk in the direction of the main dining room. Kids, christmas, lights everywhere. "Oh, that's where my money is going, huh?" he joked, the smile falling from his face when he spotted Grace.

But Grace worked on it, only seeing him a few times over the next few days. It made it easier and it made it harder, Grace couldn’t decide which most days. It was that Saturday when Grace actually made eye contact with him again for the first time in days, something that wavered her strength immediately and made her wounds feel fresh. She was sitting on the floor of the grand entry way to the mansion, checking the Christmas lights she had been stringing and getting ready to hang up. They were having a small party that night, nothing too extravagant, just something to welcome in the holiday season. And since Grace had long ago decided that she had to do something herself to get it right she was right there alongside the butlers, laying out the lights before she started wrapping them around the banister. It would help tie everything together. But of course Dylan was there, she didn’t expect anything different. It was his job to help with whatever event was going on and Grace couldn’t pretend she didn’t need help. But when he came towards her all she did was look up into his eyes and look away, going back to stringing the lights with a sour look on her face. It would be a little harder to pretend she didn’t need help when she pulled out the ladder but Grace decided she would cross that bridge when she came to it. Instead of focusing on that she stared down at the work she needed to get done and tried desperately to ignore the shaking in her fingers. 

Only a few of the butlers were hanging lights, going by the directions of Grace, where she wanted them. Dylan mostly toyed with a box of lights, making sure all of the lights were working instead of actually doing anything. It was an easier way to breathe when she was right there. Eventually he knew it was coming across like he was slacking so he pushed away from the box with a small sigh, constantly checking where Grace was, always just missing eye contact. "Can you help Grace with the rest of these, and get the ladder from the basement? It's my break." one of them muttered to Dylan, patting him on the back as he left. It wasn't even a question, it should have been, because Dylan would have said no. Biting the inside of his cheek, he followed directions and retrieved the foldable ladder, hoping he would fall off and break a leg, paid leave for six to eight weeks sounded lovely. He rested it against the side of the stairs, making direct eye contact with Grace again. She was right next to him, hanging lights, and he didn't know what to say. It took about twenty seconds for him to speak. "How can I help?" he asked, the positive work attitude non existent. He was just tired, honestly. He didn't know how else to look at her. It was moments like that, making him realize he was really screwed.

His words stung as they sunk in, cut her deeper than she expected. She was so desperately in love with him and he had no idea, and she couldn’t tell him. There was too much to lose. Hef had given her a place to stay, a chance at giving herself and her family a better life. She owed him everything. If Grace threw all that away she could seriously hurt her brother’s future and she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t risk it. No matter how badly she wanted to tell him, to scream it until her voice went quiet and her throat felt raw, she couldn’t. There was hardly a millisecond of silence before Grace was yelling right back in his face, the sting of the word love bouncing around in her ribcage and leaving bruises everywhere it touched. “You don’t love me!” she just about screamed at the top of her lungs, feeling ready to explode. “You’re so high and mighty because you had the guts to use a word you didn’t even mean. If you loved me you wouldn’t spend every day treating me like trash. That is not what love is.” Grace yelled, her crying almost overshadowing her shouts while she fought to get control of herself. “There’s a difference between loving someone and loving having sex with someone.” she told him in a sharp tone of voice, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “A crush.” Grace repeated after a moment, running a hand through her messy hair. “I can’t believe you just used that word. You know what, I’m glad you don’t want me anymore. I’m over the fucking moon.” she yelled, probably sounding like a mental patient. “I wish I never met you.” she lied, biting at her bottom lip to stop any more tears from bubbling over. 

Dylan just stood there for a moment, his fingers digging into his palms because he knew he wanted to cry. "You're wrong." he muttered lowly, shaking his head slowly. "You're so fucking wrong." he added as his body shook, not clarifying which part he meant because it implied all of it. Dylan couldn't take anymore of it. He swung the door open and left, leaving Grace behind as his feet worked quickly to get away from her, his chest rising and falling quickly. The whole time he had been ignoring her because he was scared of being hurt, something flying out of her mouth that would make him feel guilty about leaving, or some kind of insult. It was nothing compared to what just came out of her and he realized how horrible that was. No matter what happened between them, how stupid and hurt he felt, he still loved her so much. He wanted everything about her, he wanted to see her smile the first thing in the morning, he wanted to kiss her and tell her how much he loved her each time, he wanted Grace to meet his family. It was never about just sex with them, and for it to even be on Grace's mind, like he didn't care about her anymore... it was ridiculous. Dylan finally made it to his destination after running away once again, terrified, and shut his bedroom door behind him. Immediately he started pacing, running a hand through his hair while he took deep breaths to calm down but it wasn't working. His face crumpled and the tears streamed down his cheeks and a small sob came from his lips, making it harder to breathe in the small space. He felt stupid, weak. I wish I never met you. Dylan broke.

And once the door was shut Grace let him have it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she screamed in his face, not caring anymore about anyone hearing them. She was angry, livid, and it was time to get it out. She couldn’t help it, palms of her hands pounding against his chest, pushing him off balance with each word. “What is wrong with you?” she yelled again, her eyes burning. “You don’t get to treat people like this, you don’t get to decide how this is going to go. I am a human being, you piece of shit.” Grace yelled, eyes watering from the pressure in her body. It was all coming out, every single minute of tears and anger and confusion and guilt and regret, it was all coming out right there in a broom closet. Dylan was being held hostage to it all but at least then it would all be out in the open. “I have cried for months over you, you asshole, and you.. you look at me like I’m nothing.” Grace spat at him, giving him another harsh shove. “So fuck you. Fuck. You. I’ve never hated anyone more in my life.” she continued to yell, knowing she didn’t mean a word. She didn’t hate Dylan, couldn’t hate him. She loved him, she couldn’t deny that anymore. But the pain far outweighed the feelings she had for him at that moment. “You’re a coward, Dylan. You didn’t get what you wanted so you ran away. You’re spineless. I hate you.” Grace couldn’t stop herself, couldn’t stop the endless stream of bitter words that tumbled out of her mouth. “I hate you.” she yelled louder, resorting back to pushing against his chest.

"Are you serious right now?" he shot back at her, trying to find her wrists with the palms of his hands so he could stop the pushing. He managed to get her to a point where she would stop and pay attention to him, and just seeing the look on her face, how much anger and hatred was actually there, made him waver a little bit before he spoke. "You wanted me to leave but I can't, I fucking need this job. I'm staying away from you like you wanted, so what the hell is your problem, Grace?" he shouted back at her, his eyes furiously going back and forth between hers. The word hate just kept ringing in his ears like he could hear nothing else, his breathing becoming a little panicked because of it. The tears were starting to prick his eyes but he tried to blink them away and focus on getting his point across. "Do you think I wanted to come back here? Do you know how much it hurts to come back to this place when you don't even love me? Because, my god, I'm sorry that staying here was unbearable for me. I'm sorry that you had to get over your crush on me. I'm sorry that it hurts to be around you now." he said, his face pulled into one of frustration. She didn't love him. She told him she didn't, there was no way she was as upset as he was. He dropped his hands from around her wrists, his chest falling and rising heavily with emotion. He wanted to cry and scream at her how much she had hurt him, but instead he stood there heaving, his eyes filled to the brim with tears. "Just because we're not together doesn't mean I won't love you."