until the kingdom falls

1.

You used to think the philosophy ‘you only live one’ is the most ridiculous excuse for justifying everything you’ve ever heard of - if you’re meant to be reckless and live as fast as you can, ‘there’s a million and one ways to die’ sounds much nicer. Explore them. Investigate them. Enjoy them. Cherish everyone of them, especially that split second between when you lean back in your chair and it hangs midway in air so close the the ground that the only thing you can think of is ‘that is it.’

Cherish that moment and keep it in the back of your mind forever, because it’s the feeling of nearing death while still being alive. It’s the only feeling in the world that counts. And you can repeat it for thousand times before you meet your real demise. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Maddeningly beautiful.

But Yuto is gone it seems like there is only one way to die and it’s slowly, the way you’re hardly living through it right now. (how dare you die on me come back you bastard come back and i’ll kill you myself how dare you ---). Heartland without Yuto is almost strange and colorless, and Shun is war hero and it means their freedom has become even less. (everyone wants to know what happened, don’t they understand that ignorance is bliss?). You have no desire to answer them all, and it’s a miracle, you note drily in your head, that you haven’t gone mad yet.

You’re Ruri Kurosaki, just barely.

2.

Your brother is one of few saving you from complete insanity, and the closet person to welcoming you can find. Your new flat looks just like your old house, when you were younger and lovelier and unbroken, so sure of yourself and your world. Dennis sometimes drops by when Shun isn’t home, and you let him in because he’s here to feel sorry, you’ll let him. Forgiving him is your very own matter, and you look at him with dark humour every time he begs for your forgiveness. Revenge tastes sweet in your mind. 

He says ‘sorry’ once per day and keeps silent afterwards. But you never say anything. There’s a huge difference between you two - the contrast of the moment. His episode of silence will pass and eventually he will open his mouth again to speak. On the contrary, your moments are all the same, repeated day after day like the broken record you swore you’d never turn out to be. You snap out of it when Shun’s around, but hardly long enough for Shun to stop worrying -- You never want to be the cause of Shun’s pain but 

then

There is Dennis and your silence seems deafening to him.

“Ruri.” He says after long pause following you approaching and sitting down across him, a mug of hot coffee in your hands. You were right about it. It took a while, but his quiet ended. “You don’t have sugar in it?” He asks, which is his secondary form of greeting you these days. He stands up to get the sugar. Like always, he doesn’t anticipate a verbal response.

You stop him by drinking your coffee. It’s bitter, and you remember Yuto’s liking this, and again can’t think of a reason you’d want your quiet to end. Nonetheless, you’ve suddenly found it in you somewhere that you will talk today.

You gesture to his arm. It’s bruised. Why are there bruises on his arm? You breathe in and once you breathe out you’ve opened your mouth to let out a noise that sounds absolutely nothing like your real voice. You’re not sure what you used to sound like, but it definitely didn’t resemble this. “You’ve got something --- there, you’ve got something there.”

He looks confused, but only slightly fazed to hear actual words come from your lips, like he was expecting it to happen one day, but maybe not today. “What?” He questions, staring down to where you’re pointing. “What do you mean?”

“Right there.” You repeat, and there’s only so much that keeps you from screaming and kicking. It should be easy for him to see and for you to say. The red, blue, and purple, all of them, flashing darkly in its entirety, a reminder of the times you tried to break free but couldn’t because even trying takes effort and you never jumped down the tower successfully.

“Ruri, what’re you on about? There is nothing on my ---”

-- Recognition.

He smiles. It should be reassuring, but instead it’s unbearable (this smile has fooled you several times). “Oh, this? It’s nothing to worry about.” His voice is light. “I just... encountered some unfortunate occasions.” Either accidentally or purposely, he still doesn’t say it. He can sense that it will set you off, but it’s too late because it already has. You don’t need to know to initiate a reaction.

A small shudder escapes you. It’s a wonder how you’re still coherent. “The bruises. Dennis, the bruise.” Your breath is heavy. “Doesn’t it.. consume you?” It all slips out. You didn’t mean for it.

He stares at you. There’s no motive behind it, since he had you all figured out long before you could manage to think Dennis knew me and do something about it. No, he just stares, and possibly realizing why it’s this particular morning that you chose to speak.

“I don’t think so.” He replies. He’s turned his attention back to finding the sugar, but it feels like he hasn’t stopped staring at you. People were always supposed to have a rough time getting into your head, even Yuto, and Yuto found it amusing and made it a challenger. But Dennis’s already gotten in and gotten out to go back into his own again and again.

You swallow. You have nothing left to say. You’re inhaling death and giving up and hollow, and they taste like at the back of your throat, though the bitterness of coffee is still there. So it’s merely air you’re breathing, not the scent of death and abandon. Essentially, it’s the same thing.

“I knew you attempted to jump down the tower several times.” He continues. “It was mad, Ruri, you could have killed yourself.”

But you are still alive with all those aching and bruises. 

“You say as if I’m committing suicide. I wasn’t. I was trying to escape.” You tell him blankly. “To go back with my brother, my friends” You don’t say Yuto, his name is like a prayer, which should only be uttered in the most sacred place, not here, not in Dennis’s company. “Without them, I’m nothing. I can’t feel anything.” It’s a lie but it’s also the closest thing to honesty you’ve ever dared to use, because it’s true that you wanted to go back to them, but it’s wrong to claim that you didn’t try to kill yourself. 

(It seems as if it’s more of an excuse, but you don’t care, you can’t care because he’s the one who begs for your forgiveness ---)

“You can’t feel anything?” Not even for me?” He fires of impulsively, his words falling just short of a whisper. It’s not something he would usually say - but then again, it only seems like yesterday and there wasn’t something terribly wrong with both of you and the world had a proper balance to it. Not anymore, it seems, as you look at him. He’s disheveled, and it almost gives you joy because he deserves that. But it doesn’t, because there is truth behind his, your life can never go back to normal anymore, the life you used to lead without any fears of crushed hopes and dreams.

You can see it in his eyes and the near wild look he’s got about him that he wants to shout out his lungs, maybe even tell the truth like Remember the time you I promised to be your friends and make you laugh everyday because I want to do it now give me a chance your friend is gone now he can’t make you laugh anymore but I can. I can and we will be never alone. But he won’t, because he knows you already know.

Even if you insist on pretending.

“No.” You tell him after the terrible moment of hesitation has passed, turning attention to your mug again because gazing at him has gotten old. “No, I don’t.”

Not even hatred.

That’s why you will never ever forgive him.

He’s Dennis Macfield, but not quite as he was before.

3.

Some days Shun is home but Dennis still comes. Perhaps that’s a testament to how he provides you with your only thirst for human interaction. You’ve started talking more often since then, and maybe that’s the sole reason why Shun hasn’t strangled Dennis on the spot. His bruises are still there, clearest to you, pulling you back in through your hallucinations and even reality.

You break the silence first. It doesn’t feel right.

“Haven’t you been tired of this life yet?” It’s simple question, effortless enough for you to come up with and prompted simply by his eyes, which look swollen and bloodshot and what’s that? A bit of worry. Little enough to shove under regret and formality, even though what  you’ve put forth is the furthest from normal.

“Why should I? This life is interesting enough, I suppose. I mean, I manage to make everyone laugh.” But not your Ruri, when will you smile for me?

He’s right, admittedly, bu you’re seeking for revenge, you should fight with everything you’ve got left in you to prove him wrong, to make him believe in something bigger than yourself.

“What about me?” You say gently, like it’s a statement instead of a question. The confusion evident on his face leads you to comtemplate that maybe he’s truly broken, or perhaps he’s just lost track of the conversation. “You can try making me laugh.” You add. The words are foreign to your tongue. They taste bitter and sound like something she would have had the nerve to say to Yuto, if it came down to that, but apparently he’s now in a place where she can’t say anything to him at all.

“Making you laugh? No Ruri, don’t forgive me if you don’t mean it.”

There’s an obscene pause after that, unlike all the other natural lapses of silence that you two go through and accept with an uneasy calmness on every other times.

For once, you laugh. It’s a bit manic and depressing, but it’s emotion and it’s the first real thing you’ve felt beyond forever so somehow it’s worth all the agony it took you to get there. 

You feel alive for a second.  

You almost forget Dennis being there next to you, but he’s still there and always will be. He’s the only reason why you’re able to feel this way, like you can move on but remain the same as you were before, strangely. That’s Dennis and what he does to you. He acknowledges all the bruises and pain, tastes bits of it and laughs when things aren’t funny in the very least, and turns around, walking away from all bruises and tears and pain and I’m sorry Ruri without a single looking back. And next time, he’s ready to face it like he makes you face it. 

Your laugh turns louder and louder, until you’re breathless, and the words roll out of your mouth, perfectly and sweetly: 

“Yes, I will never ever forgive you.”

You’re Ruri Kurosaki and he’s Dennis Macfield, and there are monsters dancing in your laugh when you look at him. 

She sees him in the hazy moonlight when she closes her eyes to dream, a silver light in the tunnels of her nightmare, a smile she keeps hidden behind her skin. She sees him breathing, heart beating, laughter dancing in his eyes, gentle and alive. Is it a nightmare or a dream? She has no idea. These days she isn’t certain about lots of things.

Ruri wakes up suddenly, heart pounding, and there is no one in the room with her. Next to her room, she listens for the sound of Shun’s breathing. Alive, alive, alive.

She’s alive.

She turns over, presses her face into her pillow, and closes her eyes.

This time, she dreams of him in the war, standing in the their old school where dreams are broken and hope is gone, a wry smile on his face. His hands are holding hers, gentle, so gentle, for too tender for this world. His heart, beat-beat-beating to her ears.

His heart beats for the world now, a world that he needs to help to save.

She turns to the other side of her bed. There is noise in the next room, Shun isn’t sleeping, and his level of insomnia starts to worry her, but he’s alive.

Now, she dreams herself in a new world, a different path, a happily ever after. Him, shitting at the dinner table, alive and whole an happy, her across him. Two cups of hot milk in front of them both, and he smiles and her hearts unlatches itself from its cafe and soars off into the blue sky of Heartland. She smiles back.

“Ruri.” He speaks, and then she wakes. Shun is sitting next to her, gentle and worried and so beautifully alive.

“You were tossing and turning... I could hear.” He says, hand incredibly light on her shoulder. “I got worried.”

She smiles at him and places her hands on his. The good guys always win. They’re in peace again. They’re safe, they’re alive. Shun is alive, and this is what matters. “I’m alright, Shun.” She tells him. “But you need sleep.”

He waits a minute, before nodding. “I know. I promise you.” Promise I’ll sleep and be strong and be by your side when you need me and all the things that he doesn’t say but she knows it anyway. 

As Shun walks out of her room, Ruri curls back up into her blankets and closes her eyes and breathes.

Shun is alive. She is alive. People are alive.

This is what matters.

In the blurred world between dreams and nightmares and reality, she sees Yuto again, pure eyes and pure smile and pure heart. Here, he is what matters.

Yugo has had dreams before, of course, he's a teenager boy with big dream and he supposes it's completely normal; but being a teenager boy with big dream - fourteen years old, to be exact - doesn't quite explain the joy he gets when he dreams of Rin in white dress, roses in hands and she's smiling at him as if nothing else mattered.

Oh, well, he wants to marry her.

Except this time this is no longer some silly fantasies that his younger self once held. That dream aren't constant, but it tends to surface slowly in his mind at the least expected moment, and a part of him feels slightly disturbed. It's silly, really, because boys aren't supposed to think of marriages at such young age (ten - eleven - twelve - thirteen - fourteen - five years of dreaming), and mostly because the girl in question is too deep in obliviousness and other people's problems. (His problems, he admits at the back of his mind, but hey, it's about the wishes they have harbored for years, the wish of many many Commons).

"I hope this year will be good." Rin's saying now, sitting with her legs dangling over the roof of one house, which is supposed to be the highest place, where they can see the roads above the most clearly. Yugo tries to distract himself by eating pancakes. "It will be great if something good happens, like... our entering Friendship Cup." She turns to him with a smile, and Yugo tries to shallow. "I know, you told me not to worry about it, but I just can't help it."

He shrugs. "Know that."

She nods, her head bobbing up and down. "Of course. Because you've got your dragon. Clear Wing is so beautiful, it'd be great if everyone could see -"

A firework bursts into the sky, startling both of them, before Rin lets out a gasp of excitement. Another soon follows in the shape of a colorful flower (at least, he thinks it's one.) before disappearing in less than a second. Yugo takes a bite of his pancake, and Rin grasps his shoulder, making him almost drop it.

"Look, Yugo, look!"

It lasts for a few minutes, red after pink after yellow after purple, brightening the whole sky. If the Tops have anything goods, Yugo definitely vote for beautiful fireworks. The last one rises in a smooth motion, before suddenly exploding into a sea of red and green and blue and yellow, Rin signs in content when it blooms into thousand flowers before finally becoming one with the night sky.

When it's over, she turns to him, satisfaction still tugs at the corner of her lips. Some of her hair brush over her cheek bones and the side of her necks. She looks like a dream in nightime, with brilliant eyes that burns into the back of his mind, making him see the daylight and feel the warmth that washes over him, both soothing and stealing his breath away. It is in that moment that he feels his eyes hurting and his mouth drying, and he frantically looks away - damn, I'm so screwed - there are words that have risen in his throat, but he feels like he's choking. Maybe he's eaten too many pancakes. It's lucky that he has eaten too many pancakes.

"Yugo." Rin frowns, and it's like the old times again and again. "Is anything wrong?"

"No."

"No?"

"Of course not. Why do you think something can go wrong? This year will be good... Yeah, this year will be good, to us."

Rin grins, totally missing the implications of his words (Thank god!). "Me too."

He bursts out laughing. "It's settled, then." Because it is, and it's okay. What really matters is that this is Rin and she's here and she's going to be with him for a long, long time, and a lifetime. He still has time, so much time.

Between the night sky and the dimming light from some houses, Rin's fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, a gentle weight that is always pleasant and reassuring. She's here and he can feel her, and it's miraculous. In the mist of night and warmth and memories, there is a thought that has been in his mind since before he can remember, before time and dream itself.

In the days intervening he begins to regret it. Not a lot, but a little bit. Like a weakness that slips in through the cracks of his bravado. In between missing the way her hair smells after a shower he remembers the laughter of his childhood friend, and in between teaching her riding duel that he hates himself for wishing it could have been Rin, not Yuzu even though Yuzu has done nothing wrong.

But the thing with Yuzu is that she isn't Rin, just like the way Yuzu knows that he isn't Yuya. They look alike, but Rin is his dearest and closest friend, the one he forever cherishes - they're YugoandRin and they've been spending forever crafting dreams holding each other's hands and laughing and planning and building and reading and dreaming of days to come and days that have been. Yuzu is pretty and charming and kind and he likes her a lot, if he's honest. But she isn't Rin and she never will be. Yuzu can't ever know where he goes whenever he tells that he needs to be out for some fresh air (and Rin will definitely yell 'Don't ever think of going riding duel alone without me, Yugo!"). Yuzu can't ever know he goes to the garage to look at the forgotten motobike and looking at it as if Rin could jump out at any given moments and said 'Here we go.' Yuzu can't know that he always comes straight to Rin's house after escaping from Security, bruised and tired and doesn't have to know before she flings the door open and crashing into him like a wave into the shore, blazing and desperate and magical.

Yugo spends time forever fighting with the prejudice of the tops and their crushing opinions and sneering tones; struggling to free his wings to fly and naturally, Rin follows him.

Rin vows that she'll follow him wherever he goes; she'd swim across oceans, walk through the inferno, tear through the wilds, run around the labyrinths and buildings just to be with him and he nods and takes her hands and his and they start building their dreams, to show everyone thought they would never be anything but worthless and common and ordinary and they tell each other they'll never, ever, stop.

They will succeed one day, she knows for sure, even if their hearts cease to beat but everything will worth it in the end, and so they soldier on, they continue through nights and they swear they will touch every corner of this City, of this world one day.

They lie side by side and they tell each other what they should do next and prove to anyone that has ever dared tell them that they will be nothing more than Commons, lowlife and poor and miserable.

Yugo will be great, and Rin knows it.

They start to carve their own story on to the world, they begin to ink their story in and they swear they're not going to stop it until it leaves its mark at the core of the world, they paint the tale of a young boy and a young girl that will make legends.

And, in the ages to come, everyone will remember and slowly uncover their story, their fight and their legacy, which have been sculpted across rocks and roads and waves, but they will never be able to keep up the map of two restless hearts that Yugo has left across the sky.

Rin follows him, clutching herself onto his wings and tells him to take her with him.

The stars are falling again but there are only three tonight. From this grassy hill in the middle of nowhere, you catch sight of numerous balls of fire that crash through the night. Without fail, you wish on every single one you see because it makes everything seem like it will get better.

The reason why there are only three stars falling tonight is because there are hardly any left. This situation has been going on for the past decade, since you were six, too young to remember everything, but old enough to never forget.

Last night you counted five. Five stars. Five wishes. You have been counting those falling stars for the past year. Every night is spent on this hell. You don't have school to worry about because the schools are all shut. You should be spending your remaining time with your parents but they left to join some research team in vain. At home, it's just you and your pets but they're all slowly dying and you can't bear to witness their demise. And your childhood friends constantly phone you to say that everything will be okay, but even you don't see his face or know where he is, you know Green also feels unsure, also feels helpless. You think maybe it's good that you don't meet him most days. Green's eye color is the representation of life, and you can't bear looking at them.

"Hey."

You turn around and there is this stranger. No one has ever come here before. And it would be a lie if you didn't feel annoyed. You eye this boy your age in front of you. He has black hair and a red cab, eyes as red as the fire engraved in your mind, and he's wearing loose blue jeans and red jacket. Subconsciously, you pick your hat and think it may take you some time to look at him into the eye.

He doesn't really notice.

You take a deep breath before asking. "Who're you?"

He does not answer you.

You try again. "What're you doing here?"

"What're you doing here?" He returns.

You shrug. "Waiting for this to be all over." You answer and you still don't look at him.

"Everything?" He asks.

"Yes."

You glance at him in time to see him smile. It's not a proper smile. It's a sad smile, the kind people smile after they've told you bad news and said they are sorry and everything will be okay. "Me too." He says.

"Waiting by yourself?" You ask.

A frown falls upon his face. "Aren't you doing that too?" He says defensively.

You raise your eyebrows. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant..." You hesitate, you can't believe you're hesitating. "I meant... Do you want to wait with me?"

He blinks repeatedly, and you have the sudden urge to dig a hole and bury yourself immediately. Finally, after long moments of consideration, he smiles a real smile for the first time you have seen from him and his face lights up. "Sure." He says to you.

You return his smile and for the first time in a very long time, you think this whole apocalypse thing won't be so bad after all.

"I'm Leaf, nice to meet you."

"Red." He replies, and you two shake hands.

(Red's eye color represents fire, you think later, at night in your lonely home,   destructive fire and falling stars, simultaneously.)

The following night you wait for him. You wait until two o'clock and the four star has already fallen by the time he arrives. He gives you a small smile and allows you to have a piece of his mind before shutting himself off again.

"Didn't think you'd make it." You say.

He doesn't answer that. Instead, he asks. "Leaf, how long do you think we have left?"

You think about this and answer. "Maybe a month, if we are lucky."

He nods.

"Are you scared?" You ask.

"Of what?" He looks at you and you think you see fire in his eyes.

"Of dying. Like this."

"No." He says certainly, eyes brighter than ever before. "We're going to die anyway, our time is just being cut a little short, after all." Years older than you, he continues. "We're dying with the rest of the world. We won't be alone. We won't be the only ones suffering."

"We will all die alone in the end, though." You say quietly, despite something in your mind that is screaming at you not to defy Red. "No matter how many people suffer along with us."

Red just shrugs and turns away.

Two days later, there is an earthquake, and you've quite been used to it. It's not the first and it is definitely not the last. The whole town shakes violently. After several lifetimes, or minutes, or seconds, you can't tell, the first building falls and it creates a domino effect. As the ground cracks beneath your feet, you think that maybe you shouldn't have gone to get the groceries today. After all, who can die by not eating just a day?

As all the screams and the sirens blur into one huge, never ending cry for help. all you can think of is how to get the hell out of there. So you run. And you see others running too, and you hope they will be lucky in their attempts to get away. You just need to get the hell out of there. Your parents want you to be safe, and Green wants you to be safe and you need to meet Red, that's why you can't die here. You can't die before the end of the world. You don't know how you manage it without getting crushed. All you know is you did.

By nightfall, you are back on the hill, looking at the scattered town lights. From here, they look like they are on fire, burning, ablaze. Or maybe some of those lights really are fires, you can't tell. They remind you of Red's eyes, which almost makes you half wish he wouldn't come tonight. Just almost.

And that night, he does not turn up at all.

For seven days, you wait for him. Every night, you sit on that hill and wish upon every falling star that he is still alive. You hope that maybe he has just forgotten about you. But even so, you're not hopeful enough for that.

On the eighth night, you have given up all hope. You continue to count stars. By now, you feel like wishing on the ones still in the sky because it makes everything seem like it will be luckier.

"Six." Remarks a voice behind you.

You do not turn around, only ask where he has been. You can almost taste his hesitation.

It's bitter.

"There were... complications." He says slowly but evenly. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry." You repeat. "You're sorry. I have been sitting here every night for seven days and I was so sure you were dead and all you can say is sorry?" You do not know why you feel so strongly for this stranger - yes, he's Red and he's a stranger - because after all, you know little to nothing about him. The look in his eyes tells you he also does not why you seem to care so much. You just do.

He flinches beside you. 'It wasn't my fault,' he says and you reply coldly, 'Spare it,' and get up and walk away, but not without the feeling that his eyes burn after you.

Now you do not feel anger. All you feel is regret.

Exactly twenty-four hours later, you come back. And you are so glad and so relieved that he is there. You apologise and he just smiles at you and says, "Five." Five wishes.

"Why are you here?" You ask.

"I was waiting for you,'' he answers, "So we can wait for the world to end together."

Suppressing your smile, you say. "How do you think it will happen?"

"Me? I think a star will land here and blow us up or the Earth will just tear itself apart without bothering any force."

"We're the closet planet to the sun after Mercury and Venus are out." You say. "We could get roasted."

"Or the rest of the world would flood." He adds. Half of the total landmass has already been submerged. The polar icecaps are melt a century before you were born and you have only seen the picture of classic earth.

"Or die of hunger." You say.

"Or an earthquake will tear us apart."

"Or a meteor with collide with us, and we could like like dinosaurs." And you go on like this for the rest of the night.

Another time, he says. "What's one thing you wished you did before your death?"

"I always wanted to write a book." You say. "What about you?"

He ignores that and says. "Then write a book."

"Now?"

"Yes." He says. "Tell me a story. I don't care what, just tell me one."

So tell him of a time when everything was perfect. There were icy cold winter and burning hot summer and there were bright stars in the sky and there were two little children running on the hill and planning their futures and vowing to support each other to the end of the world and it was so beautiful and so perfect and you can most believe it was real.

Then another star falls, burning through the sky.

Red's eyes reflect it.

"That's the seventh one tonight." He says. "The end must be near."

With the two of you on this hill, just sitting like this, you think it wouldn't be a bad way to die, watching the stars.

"Before I was born, my grandmother had a really beautiful hawthorn garden." You say. "No they all die and the seeds can't be bought anymore."

You do not have long left.

xxx

"This is it." You say, and the two stars fall at the same time. The tenth and the eleventh ones tonight.

"Are you afraid?" He asks.

"I don't know." You say, earnestly.

"Leaf." He calls your name, and it's the first time you've ever looked at his eyes that close. "You and me, we're going out together, right?"

You smile at him because you cannot find the right word, and maybe there is no the right word for this.

"I'm glad I met you." He says, as a star falls, miles behind your back. The forest is on fire.

Red's eyes look like fire, beautiful and dangerous.

"Me too." You tell him and it seems important that he knows, you say. "I'm glad I'm not dying alone."

He lies down and you follow suit. He pulls you into him so you're both facing each other. An asteroid shoots across the sky above you. The sky is on fire with sounds and lights. Everyone on earth is looking at the same thing you are. It's mindblowing and phenomenal and it's downright terrifying.

With the sky falling and fire burning around you and him next to you, you think it's the perfect way to write the final chapter of your life.

A perfect epilogue.