Always smiling and arriving late for tea

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. We had a good holiday…however, we hadn’t been back in New Zealand 24 hours when my partner’s mum died.

She was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer in early March…given how she was before we left, it wasn’t surprising…and while we’re relieved it’s still devastating.

We were visiting his family as we’re planning the funeral and he found this in her music folder (she played the organ and ukulele - like me -). His dad said it was mine if I wanted it. His family has always made me feel like I’m part of them. I lost my New Zealand mum but am happy for this wee bit of Beatles memorabilia and something I can feel connected to her.

@hawksnacks

Nicknames: Sminky...Trace...

Gender: Female

Sign: Pieces

Height: 5′3″

Birthday: March 1st

Favorite Bands: The Beatles, Garbage, Pearl Jam, Wings, Marian Hill, Pixies, The Ramones, Led Zeppelin, Social Distortion, Hippo Campus, The Mamas and The Papas, Rolling Stones, The Doors, Daft Punk, Massive Attack, The Clash, Morcheeba, Joy Division, Pink Floyd, The Smiths, Simon & Garfunkel, Moody Blues, Procol Harum, Nine Inch Nails, Atmosphere.

Favorite solo artist: Paul McCartney, Tori Amos, Bob Dylan, Kendrick Lamar, Elton John, John Lennon, George Harrison, Amy Shark, Dessa, Lizzo, David Bowie, Beck, Jimi Hendrix, Kimbra, Frank Sinatra, Bjork.

Song Stuck in head: In Hell I’ll be In Good Company ~The Dead South

Last movie I watched: Yellow Submarine (currently watching)

Last show I watched: Fresh Prince of Bell Air

When did I create this blog: a long freakin’ time ago, I stopped for years and am getting back into blogging (I’m a bit sporadic in posting because I’m stupid busy getting ready to head over seas at the mo)

When do I post: I tend to reblog often, other than that, whenever I think up something or have new art.  I’m hoping to post more about working through PTSD, and much more Beatle blogging (which is why I originally started this blog)

Last thing I googled: Ticket Delay Paul McCartney (I’m getting impatient for my tickets lol.)

Any other blogs: Not anymore

Do I get any asks: nope.

Why did I chose my URL: I used to go as SminkingOfGin when I started this (and still do occasionally) but changed randomly to DuchessOfKirkaldy because I was really into “Cry Baby Cry” for awhile and felt like she had a story...and tbh I just liked how it sounded.

Following: 29  *shhh..I’m just getting back to tumblr*

Followers: 50 *shhh..see above*

Favorite colors: Blue and black

Average hours sleep: on a good night?  7-8

Lucky numbers: not sure..

Instruments: ukulele, violin, little piano, voice

What shirt am I wearing: Voltron tshirt, hoodie from the company I work for and leggings...oh yeah, I’m a fashionista while at the gym...

How many blankets do I sleep with: depends on the season, 2-3 in the winter, 1-2 in the warmer months

Dream job: I do love my job now (project manager FTW!)...but I’d love to illustrate full time.

Dream trip: Liverpool...Japan...France...there’s a lot....oh, and Vegas again!

Favorite Food: Ratatoulli...

Nationality: Scottish/American...living in New Zealand.

Favorite song: Hey Jude

“Take a sad song and make it better” - Hey Jude - The Beatles

So, I haven’t posted in a couple days (I’ve mostly been reblogging anyway :P ) because this ate up most of my spare time last week.

As I posted when I came back to Tumblr after a LONG hiatus...I went through an emotionally abusive/economically abusive marriage which ended in divorce (yay!) but lost me my “close” friends due to them listening to the ex (boo at first...but yay as I’ve learned who my friends really are).  Anyway, unfortunately, one doesn’t come out of that situation without a few scars.

What I’ve learned about PTSD in the last few years is...its a bitch.  It steals things from you.  It takes those things and makes them a source of pain and trauma.  The worst thing PTSD took from me, was The Beatles.  I’ve been a fan of the fab four since I was 7 years old, they were a constant in my life.  Their humour got me through some difficult times in my childhood, their music took me to different worlds.  Their music got me through my self-harm.  Their music got me through one of the worst times in my life when I nearly ended it all.

However, my ex was also a big fan of The Beatles.  It was something we bonded over I guess, but once I realised how fucked up things were and that I needed out and got out...my mind eventually started associating my favourite band with the trauma.  I stopped listening.  I was upset, I was angry and my mind...every time I heard their songs, rehashed those bad feelings and I started associating them with the bad.

Until about a month ago, it was so bloody random that “Blackbird” came on a playlist and I didn’t fast forward, I listened...and something in me started fighting to keep the feeling.  I got home, and put their music on.  I. was. shaking.  When I listened to “Hey Jude” for the first time since Paul sang it at the Olympics in 2012...I wept.  full on, weeping at my desk.  I don’t know exactly how or why it happened, why I suddenly was telling PTSD “fuck off!  you won’t take them from me!”...but it did.  and I honestly feel like it was a huge step forward.  I feel like the colour is back in my world.  I feel like I have my four best friends back.