The Masks We Wear... @duplicitousdoll - Tumblr Blog

I started Latuda

I never would have thought it possible to be depressed without feeling depressed... or at least feeling depressed in the way I have felt it my whole life. It was always a looming, heavy and dark cloud smothering me constantly. My mind felt claustrophobic. The world felt so small. It was almost a physical feeling that made being alive feel like effort. Getting out of bed meant fighting the feeling of wading through water while not actually drowning. That was my every day depression. I thought that was the experience every depressed person struggled with. Now I wonder if I’ve always been wrong.

The cloud has lifted, and that is amazing. Seriously, it is the best I have felt my entire life. I wish my mom could have seen me like this. Even so, I have started wondering if I’m still depressed, but it’s so hard for me to think so, since I don’t feel like it. Can you be depressed but not want to disappear? Or is it possible to be a huge ball of negativity and not be depressed? I’m probably looking at it too black and white...you can thank my BPD for that lol

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You missed me once

Then nothing

The nothingness buzzes in my head

It rattles around, echoing in the halls of my mind

Conjuring ghosts of what was

Haunting me

I want to run away

I need to toss aside these thoughts

Abandon the phantoms the same as I was

But I can’t

Because there was a time that I mattered

A moment I had worth

I still can’t find it in myself

But

There was a time I saw something more

Because you missed me once

ALC - 2018

And finally reality shifts

It happens at last. Your thoughts roll over from feelings and liquid ideas to something less dreamy. Suddenly the weight of one word slams the butterflies and rainbows to the earth around you. “Oh shit. I love him.” Reality shifts around you. The ideas grow more rigid, and the airy nature of your feelings begins to vibrate anxiously. It’s not fair. This isn’t what you intended, but with that one thought the colors bleed out of your world and leave you in black and white.

Now what? Can you pretend the uninvited guest never showed up in your heart? Maybe you can attempt to pretend nothing has changed, but the life has drained from your face and has been replaced by dread. Fear replaces excitement , and loneliness steals away joy. Insecurity, doubt, panic, and despair begin to pour in, and you can’t tell if you’ll be swallowed up before you find an exit.

Your entire world has changed now. Negativity floods in faster than you can attempt to shine light through the darkness. The white is so scarce here where you’re surrounded by black. There are so many questions and doubts. How could you let yourself become vulnerable enough to love someone who could never love you back? The light is consumed by shadow.

Suddenly, he speaks. It’s something trivial, but a glow begins to warm the coldness of your thoughts. You share a few worries and with every additional comment, his words dance in contrast to the dark. Yet, in this world of black and white and uncertainty, with no grey to mediate between the two, you still attempt to flee. You bury the seeds of your feelings in an attempt to get rid of them, and then you run. But he stops you, and your world explodes into colors that you immediately try to hide away from view. You pocket the kaleidoscope quickly as you tentatively take his outstretched hand. Moving forward, you pretend not to notice the sprouts growing at your feet.

Hope

Hope You stand upon the edge; thoughts alive, dreams dead, when a glimmer passes by just a few steps ahead. You reach out to hold it before filling with dread. You'd not thought clearly. You'd forgot where you'd tread. You curse falling for light and where hopefulness led, but hope is a beautiful lie, so what more can be said?

-ALC 2017

Quite often, these days, I am reminded of a scene from the movie, "My Best Friends Wedding". There's a scene where the main character is chasing her friend while he chases down his fiancé. The main character is talking on the phone to someone during the chase, and basically this question is asked, "He's chasing her. You're chasing him. Who's chasing you?"

That question really seems to hit me hard, because I feel that my love life always ends up that way. I am forever chasing. Always watching the person I care for trying to be with someone else. I keep asking myself why I'm not the person that gets chased after. I can't help but wonder why no one has been desperate to catch me...

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That moment you are excited about the shipment of blades coming today...

#trigger #triggering #cutting #cutters #cut #razor blades #blades #bad idea #bpd problems #actually bpd #bpd #borderline #borderline problems #borderline personality disorder #mdd #actually mdd #major depressive disorder #depression #de

Trigger warning ⚠️

... It is a different kind of feeling when at least half your day is spent with a repetitive mantra going through your mind. Especially when the thoughts are about how you wish you weren't here, and there's this reserved and extremely passive suicidal ideation lurking about. But, of course, you're too tired and apathetic to do anything but think about it, constantly. Sleeping the days away seems to slowly creep through the obsessive fog, but it isn't a healthy, responsible, or realistic way to cope... Still, existing is about the best you can do right now, especially when there is no one to truly be there for you as often as you need them, which is pretty much every moment of the day you are actually awake.

Goodbye

Let the breeze brush away the illusions and lies of desired memory; stabbing silence of recollection. Nothing could ever have been as perfect, flawless and true as you, because love was an idea tainted by regret, fueled by isolation - nothingness - and the void warmed by distress grew. Devotion deserved not a thing more than the hand of a lover; to be needed. None of the sort would be ever the more urgent for one so torn and broken, hurt and too soft-spoken, but instead of love a blade to the soul was received, and crimson tears lit the dark room, crying for the heart lost to be grieved. Freshly carved wounds haven't the chance to scar, but scar they will when pain runs so deep. Deeper than the puncture of a heart left to cry bloodied tears to all seizing what love I did try

Depression

There comes a time when the mind goes blank and memories blur. Reality wavers while desires and fears collide. Suddenly, you catch the scent of blood on your fingertips. Pain devours all that dares get close, like raindrops on glass; like a predator in hiding, snatching away any hint of good in this place. This is your truth.

He makes me feel young. Never mind the silver creeping through my hair, or the fact that i am a mother of three. I forget the stress, the responsibility, the weight of the world when he is around. I do not feel so run down and tired, and even though he says things that would normally spring forth anxiety and panic, i only feel a calm deep down that is hard to describe.

He coaxes out my innocence. I thought I lost that nervous trembling when near a certain person. But there it is. I am in high school again, and I cant stop thinking about that boy who sits two rows over in Spanish class. I’m a girl with a crush that doesn’t know how to stop herself from tumbling down the rabbit hole that is puppy love and sweet feelings. This is a part of myself I thought lost. Somehow he found where it was hiding while I had already held a funeral for its loss.

He believes in me. He believes in me more than I can believe in myself. He nudges me forward, refusing to let me take another step back. “Vocalize what you want. Find your voice. Be you, and don’t look back.” He seems to carve these messages into my heart. My mind objects, but he brushes away the negative thoughts as though they were a stray hair that had found its way onto my cheek. He urges me forward with encouraging words and stern advice. It is as though he knows me more than I know myself; as though he can see past my exterior, beyond the walls and doors, through the seemingly endless halls of instability and confusion. He has left footsteps for me to follow and find a potential I have lost inside a labyrinth of doubts, fears, and lies.

He wants to show me my worth. It is quite clear that he does not view me the way I view myself. I am filled with negativity and self-loathing. I feel I can do no good, that I have few redeeming qualities, and I honestly wonder, “what is the point of it all?” But this man, this sweet, beautiful soul, speaks through the dense fog that clouds my head and leaves gems of advice in places that reflect the light. He guides me out of the darkness, and he does it as though it is the most natural act that needs no gratitude. But gracious I am, and I wish I could brighten his life with the same radiance. His words, his touch, his actions, and his whole existence has left a mark so incredibly wonderful that I already know that I will forever treasure even knowing this man at all.

And then there’s the hunger. Oh, my lord, there is the hunger. There is something inside of him that, on occasion, I have brushed with my fingertips. I have experienced a strange feeling of bliss as his passion overwhelmed me. With my heart racing and knees buckling beneath me, I felt a stirring of my own as the passion disappeared the moment I reached out to grasp it. I wanted more. I continue to want more, and I feel the need to see further the fierceness I sense below the surface. I want to taste it, taste him. The intensity of how I’d love to experience everything about him has me spinning, but I never wish to get off this tilt-a-whirl of feelings and desire. I cannot say how long this euphoric experience will last, but my life will have been most definitely bettered for it. I only hope that one day he can realize how truly wonderful and amazing he is.

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Please see me

So often I feel lonely and isolated. Picture a dark page with a crowd of shadows writhing around the edges, but the center of the scene is barren, save a lone figure cringing away from the dim light that illuminates them. It is torture to be so close to others, but still so lost; to crave attention, yet flee from any interaction. And it hurts when a flickering light in the dark pauses before you to bathe you in warmth but then passes right through, abandoning you to the darkness while sharing its glow with someone else.

I begin to wonder, “Why am I not good enough? Why is my pain and story lesser than another? Why won’t they look at me, SEE me? Really see me?”

There are few times that I do not want to be invisible. There are rare moments that I chase the light and dare to make myself known. Those scarce instances leave me in sadness, as I am unseen and alone still. I cry out for awhile, hoping that the warmth will be returned to me. I want to bathe in the light and trace hope with my fingertips.

Please whisper to me those comforting words. Please tell me I have value, that there is purpose for me here. Please show me that my past and pain aren’t meaningless. Please.

See me.

A Confession

I would rather feel the pain of starvation or shivers from cold. I'd prefer muscles screaming, bones cracking, Because, truth be told, I'd want the burn of the sun or the sting of a bee, Or even spilled blood before the death inside me. I'd like pain I can touch; wounds weeping instead. Because anything, Everything, Beats the hell in my head -ALC 2017

I Gave Up

I pretty much gave up on this blog, but have decided to try and resurrect it somehow. It won't be the same, but different isn't always bad, despite how much my mind screams at me that change is the harbinger of doom. I do not know what I was expecting out of it, but I definitely was wanting too much. I wanted to feel important somehow, and I suppose I was attempting to fill that void in myself with attempts at being helpful. I had that emptiness inside of me and could never find a way to stop it. In any case, time has passed, I have grown and expanded my views, but the sickness within me remains the same. A part of me takes joy in the continued depression. I still fear losing myself(who am I though? I don't know). The weight of mental illness still drags me down, but over the years I have worked on building the strength to cope with the burden. It helped when I realized that I could never put down these chains that bind me. There is no easy cure. The realization that I couldn't just have my happiness handed to me was enough to start things moving at a crawl. So here I am again. I don't know if I will gain anything from continuing my past attempt at finding something to guide me out of the darkness, but I won't focus on that any longer. I'm curious about how this will play out.

Very triggering... you probably don't want to read...

Things have not being going well for me emotionally. This post is not going to be inspirational, and I apologize to any followers that may happen to read... I advise you not to read, actually. I just need somewhere to put these thoughts... to get them out of my head. The grammar will suck, and there will be a lot of ellipses. That's just how my ranting and rambling works. I apologize if you read it... I still suggest not...

So.. I've not been doing well lately. I'm sure others have noticed, but I reallly haven't been doing well. A week or so ago ... I needed something to restrain me.. to keep me from being stupid... I wanted to hurt myself.... I wanted to just sit in the bathroom forever and carve shit into my skin.... and I don't even know exactly why... I just feel like crap, and it is snowballing...

I wanted to hurt myself even more tonight... it was so bad that I was getting angry, and that is why I had to leave... to run away... I suck as a mom, because I can't even act like one... I hate it.. I hate me... And I kept wanting to hurt myself.. I reached out to people on FB... and I posted on some pages... where people saw it, but it went an hour with no response. The only reason one person responded was because I responded to something she posted first... so she probably was just feeling guilty for not saying anything earlier... ...

I suggested somehow being alone together with my partner because I need it... I need time to reconnect with him... Sometimes I really love him, and others I feel like we're just roommates.... I start feeling needy... and start wanting to reach out and be stupid... and then I start to have doubts, stupid doubts that I know I shouldn't have... but I still have them... like will I be happy in a few years with him? Would I want to leave him if someone else came along? Would I want to leave if my ex suddenly had some crazy ass change of heart....? And I hate myself because I don't know the answer.

What I do know is that I DO love him. I do.. I love him a lot... but I don't think I'm meant to love, be loved, and be happy with that... I seem to always want to fuck it up... I am never completely happy... I always have the "grass is greener" complex... He deserves better. He enables me to be an awful person... he will let me do nothing... he'll spoil me, and I love him for it.. but I also hate him for it too... because I take advantage of it.. and take it for granted...

I have thoughts about just letting my mom have the kids... about just doing that and disappearing.... I am just this huge bipolar tornado in their life.... one moment I'm loving all over them, the next I'm yelling at them to stop touching me and to go away... what kind of mom does that? If my mom did that to me I would feel like shit... Maybe she did? I don't remember... but it would make me feel awful,and I do it to them... I hurt them... and I don't even want to... I am a piece of shit...

You all deserve better... everyone does, except for me. I deserve worse... everyone is too good to me and I don't know why...I'm so flawed, and selfish, and awful... I should just be alone forever... My partner should really find someone else.. someone better... because no one should be tied down by someone that doesn't add anything to their life... And chaos doesn't count for that... yet chaos is all I'm good for...

... I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore.. I just don't know... I want to give up... I'll never be worth anything ever again.... I won't be desireable like I used to be... Without being able to seduce people in, there is no reason for anyone to even be interested in being around me... 'cause let's face it... most of my friends have always been men... because I would flirt with them, giggle at them, and be that girl that was pretty cool to be around because I was interested in the same things as them... Then I had kids... and when you have kids, you can't be cute and flirty anymore, 'cause you're a mom.. and you have these little people around you all the time.... so you can't be spontaneous and exciting anymore... And all my friends stopped hanging out, because it isn't any fun to hang out with little kids running around when you're not interested in children... you know....And then those friends were introduced to new, fun girls to hang out with, that were interested in the same things as them...

I was replaceable... I'll always be replaceable... there's nothing special about me... because there will always be other girls that could take my place... other girls that could giggle and flirt and be interested in similar things.. yet they wouldn't be completely unstable and fucked up... thus a lot better to be around than I.

.... What is the point? Why should I fight so hard against hurting myself? It's not like I care if I have scars.. They don't bother me...And causing them at least gets rid of all the thoughts that run through my head... and I don't care that I don't matter anymore... All that matters is the blood, and scars... It doesn't matter that I'm replaceable... The only thing that matters is creating more scars...causing more pain... numbing away the tears that I fight to keep inside.

I should be alone. I should always have been alone. Maybe everything would have been better off for everyone if I would have just went to sleep that day instead of calling my friend to keep the promise I made about saying "goodbye"... I'm sorry to those who got stuck with me.

I'm so sorry...

(If anyone read this... don't worry, this doesn't mean I'm going to hurt myself)

Complacency

I remember so many people using the phrase, "fake it until you make it" as advice on what I should do to be happy. For the longest time, I was being open about my feelings, wearing them on my sleeve and hoping that being vulnerable would help to heal. However, I think I fell back into the habit of faking happiness, because I lost all emotional support I used to have back then. And now I wonder if how content I believe I feel is actually fake.. Maybe I've pretended so long that it has become normal not to think about my own feelings. Is that normal? Is it a normal person thing to do? Do normal people just pretend to be happy all the time? Do they still feel alone even while laughing in a group? For anyone who asks, I feel pretty good and stable... but if I ask myself the same question, I don't know the answer. I sometimes want to cry for no reason, and that makes me think that maybe I'm just trying to hide from myself...

#duplicitousdoll #bpd problems #bpd #Borderline #borderline problems #borderline personality disorder #mdd #Major depressive disorder #lonely #loneliness #alone #sadness #sad #Save Me

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lightup-yourlife

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #borderline #mental illness #mental disorder #depression #major depressive disorder #mdd

That old saying..

What's that saying? When it rains, it pours? Well, there is a damn hurricane raging right now. I wouldn't be surprised if sharks started crashing through the windows into my living room. Nothing could really surprise me right now. Time to dig out the life raft and pray for friendly dolphins.

#duplicitousdoll #stress #drama #life #unhappy #depression #depressed #bpd #bpd problems #borderline problems #borderline personality disorder #borderline #mental illness #major depressive disorder #sharknado #fucking sharks #runforthehills

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