Very triggering... you probably don't want to read...
Things have not being going well for me emotionally. This post is not going to be inspirational, and I apologize to any followers that may happen to read... I advise you not to read, actually. I just need somewhere to put these thoughts... to get them out of my head. The grammar will suck, and there will be a lot of ellipses. That's just how my ranting and rambling works. I apologize if you read it... I still suggest not...
So.. I've not been doing well lately. I'm sure others have noticed, but I reallly haven't been doing well. A week or so ago ... I needed something to restrain me.. to keep me from being stupid... I wanted to hurt myself.... I wanted to just sit in the bathroom forever and carve shit into my skin.... and I don't even know exactly why... I just feel like crap, and it is snowballing...
I wanted to hurt myself even more tonight... it was so bad that I was getting angry, and that is why I had to leave... to run away... I suck as a mom, because I can't even act like one... I hate it.. I hate me... And I kept wanting to hurt myself.. I reached out to people on FB... and I posted on some pages... where people saw it, but it went an hour with no response. The only reason one person responded was because I responded to something she posted first... so she probably was just feeling guilty for not saying anything earlier... ...
I suggested somehow being alone together with my partner because I need it... I need time to reconnect with him... Sometimes I really love him, and others I feel like we're just roommates.... I start feeling needy... and start wanting to reach out and be stupid... and then I start to have doubts, stupid doubts that I know I shouldn't have... but I still have them... like will I be happy in a few years with him? Would I want to leave him if someone else came along? Would I want to leave if my ex suddenly had some crazy ass change of heart....? And I hate myself because I don't know the answer.
What I do know is that I DO love him. I do.. I love him a lot... but I don't think I'm meant to love, be loved, and be happy with that... I seem to always want to fuck it up... I am never completely happy... I always have the "grass is greener" complex... He deserves better. He enables me to be an awful person... he will let me do nothing... he'll spoil me, and I love him for it.. but I also hate him for it too... because I take advantage of it.. and take it for granted...
I have thoughts about just letting my mom have the kids... about just doing that and disappearing.... I am just this huge bipolar tornado in their life.... one moment I'm loving all over them, the next I'm yelling at them to stop touching me and to go away... what kind of mom does that? If my mom did that to me I would feel like shit... Maybe she did? I don't remember... but it would make me feel awful,and I do it to them... I hurt them... and I don't even want to... I am a piece of shit...
You all deserve better... everyone does, except for me. I deserve worse... everyone is too good to me and I don't know why...I'm so flawed, and selfish, and awful... I should just be alone forever... My partner should really find someone else.. someone better... because no one should be tied down by someone that doesn't add anything to their life... And chaos doesn't count for that... yet chaos is all I'm good for...
... I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore.. I just don't know... I want to give up... I'll never be worth anything ever again.... I won't be desireable like I used to be... Without being able to seduce people in, there is no reason for anyone to even be interested in being around me... 'cause let's face it... most of my friends have always been men... because I would flirt with them, giggle at them, and be that girl that was pretty cool to be around because I was interested in the same things as them... Then I had kids... and when you have kids, you can't be cute and flirty anymore, 'cause you're a mom.. and you have these little people around you all the time.... so you can't be spontaneous and exciting anymore... And all my friends stopped hanging out, because it isn't any fun to hang out with little kids running around when you're not interested in children... you know....And then those friends were introduced to new, fun girls to hang out with, that were interested in the same things as them...
I was replaceable... I'll always be replaceable... there's nothing special about me... because there will always be other girls that could take my place... other girls that could giggle and flirt and be interested in similar things.. yet they wouldn't be completely unstable and fucked up... thus a lot better to be around than I.
.... What is the point? Why should I fight so hard against hurting myself? It's not like I care if I have scars.. They don't bother me...And causing them at least gets rid of all the thoughts that run through my head... and I don't care that I don't matter anymore... All that matters is the blood, and scars... It doesn't matter that I'm replaceable... The only thing that matters is creating more scars...causing more pain... numbing away the tears that I fight to keep inside.
I should be alone. I should always have been alone. Maybe everything would have been better off for everyone if I would have just went to sleep that day instead of calling my friend to keep the promise I made about saying "goodbye"... I'm sorry to those who got stuck with me.
(If anyone read this... don't worry, this doesn't mean I'm going to hurt myself)