Duncsuei

A common theme that people respond to me with is that loving myself as a Black woman is “narcissism.” See, to them, my self-love is obscene because why on earth would someone Black, a woman, and someone especially a Black woman love themselves? While they are ignorant and microaggressive with the accusation, their angle is actually not “arbitrary.” In an anti-Black, misogynistic, misogynoiristic society, it would seem outrageous for a Black woman to love herself when so many systems of oppression rely on the appropriation, exploitation and erasure of Black women and so many interpersonal interactions rely on both the hatred of Black women and Black women’s own self-hatred to function. Self-love and unlearning hatred for self are radical acts that upset the status quo. The status quo is comfort for oppressors and for the oppressed who seek to appeal to authority and not resist. So even small acts such as controlling and sharing my own image (and I previously wrote about women outside of the mainstream-acceptable gaze facing sexism over selfies in: What’s Really Going On With The Sexist Backlash Against Selfies), speaking confidently about my abilities (while still also speaking about my pains, flaws and insecurities; confirmation bias and misogynoir makes people unable to see this aspect or see it and deem it “pathology” due to Black womanhood) or speaking with camaraderie and love to other Black women that I care about online, are activities that are upsetting to people who base their entire identities on “at least” not being a Black woman. But what happens when Black women are not the collection of pathologies and problems that so many people need us to be in order for them to feel important or valuable?

No, I am not ugly. I am beautiful. Black women can view ourselves as beautiful, or not view ourselves that way and still find value that we exist, survive and thrive. No, I am not “stupid.” I am smart and open to learning new things and perspectives from other people, especially critical Black thinkers; oh and such thinkers do not reside in the academe for me most of the time. Black women are smart and are consistently exploited for the fruits of this intelligence, creativity, and labor while simultaneously called lazy and “stupid” by the same exploiters. And when Black women experience disabilities and/or mental health issues, those are misconstrued in anti-Black and ableist ways to confirm notions of inferior intelligence. I will not hide these facts so that those whose “self-esteem” is really misogynoir-based can feel comfort. The status quo has comforted them long enough. A lot of very disgusting people spend a great deal of time trolling my Ask FM. These reprehensible cowards are deeply obsessed and hyperconsumptive as well as bothered by what they clearly deem “unbreakable” self-esteem to the point that they treat my self-esteem as “abuse” on them. How dare I not fold in the face of their accusations and harm? Well, in actuality, I am a human being so their abuse does affect me and my mental health. Ironic since their premises rely on dehumanization and denying Black women’s ability to feel pain, but at the same time, they hope their harm is successful. Whenever they feel the harm is not successful, their replies become “you’re a narcissist” or “you’re the real abuser.” Below is one example of how self-defense is viewed as abuse because what Black woman would have the right to defend herself? It would imply that someone harmed someone of value. And to most people, Black women are no one of value.

Ask FM Comment: “And I’m sure you never engage in ‘trolling behavior.’ Of course, since you appear to be a narcissist, I’m sure it’s totally different when you do it.”

My Reply: “Yes of course, any Black woman who doesn’t hate herself becomes a 'narcissist.’ Your misogynoir is showing. I guess that’s why you cowardly came in as an Anon to say it. I am right on Twitter tho. Right there! If anything, narcissism is needed when you’re a Black woman in a society that actively and blatantly disregards your womanhood and humanity itself. Resistance.

So let’s examine some trolling. Have I ever doxxed anyone? No. Have I ever plagiarized anyone? No. Have I ever continued to tweet someone after they told me not to? No. Have I ever sent a death threat? No. Have I ever sent a rape threat? No. Have I ever forced someone to keep following me even after they told me to unfollow? No. Have I ever named a person I followed for a long time who then decided to unfollow me or block me and invite my followers to harm them? No. Have I ever insisted someone accept something I say as a 'compliment’ even after they rejected it completely or told me it was triggering? No. Have I ever refused to apologize if blatantly wrong? No. Have I ever waited days/weeks/months to apologize for something I did wrong? No. Have I ever used 'connections’ to get someone decent slandered or blacklisted from activist spaces? No. And mainly because I don’t have connections and I am aware that such spaces are already violent anyway and wouldn’t do so anyway. Have I ever engaged in tweet by tweet gaslighting and derailment as someone shared a personal story? No. Have I ever ran up in someone’s mentions and wouldn’t leave after they said to leave? No. Have I ever told my followers–a high ass count I have made CLEAR I do not even want–to troll someone? No. In fact, I often tell them don’t reply to trolls who are trolling me and if they do reply, remove my handle and anyone else’s handle who could be harmed. Have I ever defended popular trolls who target Black and other women of colour? No.

See, you seem to be one of those clueless abuse apologists who thinks SELF DEFENSE–since I am usually actively avoiding people who find deep pleasure in harming Black women like me by the minute–is 'equal’ to whatever trolls do first and continually, since at the core, you probably don’t believe Black women have selves to defend. So if we do not, then of course anything we say is an 'attack’ on the abusers because their initial violence is deemed okay to you.”

And no, I don’t think people who try to harm me with this repetitive refrain have any grasp of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which I do not experience) nor believe self-love from other people is “narcissism.” As I’ve written several times, most of the gaslighting, trolling and abuse that I receive is in response to my assertion of three things: Black women are human, Black women deserve to be happy, Black women experience oppression and it is violence. This is standard stuff, the idea that any self-defense that comes from Black women is “the real harm.” It’s why White Tears™ work. White women can throw the proverbial rock in my face and hide their hands. I push them back and I “attacked” them. Nowhere in there is self-defense a factor. It’s why notoriously racist White feminists (who are usually transmisogynistic and anti-Black as well) can declare that Black women outside of institutions, with no status, are “toxic feminists” if their racism is held up under scrutiny. And they are not the only ones. Because in any situation, whomever is Black, especially a Black woman, loses. Some non-Black women of colour (and non-Black people of colour, in general) love Black women’s scholarship and activist labor when it’s a tool for their use but will use transient White Tears™ (or rely on anti-Black stereotypes about Black women as inherently aggressive) to distinguish any harm they cause from any self-defense Black women respond with. Some Black men “compliment” and “love” Black women in ways reminiscent of viewing us as mammy, Jezebel and Sapphire, but when Black women find value in ourselves without Black men’s gazes, or engage in self-defense from their harm, we are deemed phony/self-centered or “divisive.” I’ve said many times that even misogynoir from some Black men is more about them trying to detach themselves from Black women and dodge the repercussions of anti-Blackness through social connection with non-Black people by mocking Black women. Sadly, some Black women with status or seeking status rely on respectability politics to “distinguish” themselves from “those kind of Black women” and use that “difference” to get ahead. And if I critique them being harmful to fellow Black women, I am deemed “jealous” and starting the problem. And White men? Well, some of them live and breathe abuse on Black women (even most online abuse campaigns start with them harming Black women first and everyone ignoring it until White women become the target) in a way that literally anything other than extreme hatred for myself is deemed an affront to their existences; it’s often White men who insult my language or ideas, specifically, and wrap that into their misogynoir. Again, some people rely on “at least I am not a Black woman” to get by. Who are they without misogynoir though? Do they know? Who are they? I know who I am though.

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” - Audre Lorde