The Asshole With A Stupid Mustache.

A strangled sound escaped Melissa at that as she stifled a laugh, quickly schooling her face again before he looked back over to her. “Th-that was terrible, man.”

"Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste is there?" he grumbled. "So what do you want to do? I guess we're soulmates so we're probably going to do something and magically find out we both like it, right?"

Melissa had been gazing shyly at the ground when she entered, looking up as Ken introduced her only to blink as she made eye contact with one of her new coworkers and everything around them froze. “… Oh.” The woman said, biting her lip slightly. “Well, uh… this is… unexpected? um, h-hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, awkwardly offering her hand to Ted. At his words, Melissa blinked in confusion. “Sorry? For what?”

Ted snorted, sitting back in his chair. “Go in for a temp job, come out with a soul mate, huh,” he remarked, ignoring her question and opting to look around the room instead. He was handling this badly, this was going to be an awkward week if he made the one person that he could talk to think he was a total dick. “You could’ve had anyone else on the planet and you got stuck with me. I think that’s enough to be sorry for,” he shrugged. 

She waited for a few seconds before letting her hand fall back to her side. “I mean, I’ve just met you, Ted. I wouldn’t say that it’s been nearly long enough for us to have bad opinions of each other yet.”

“Oh, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll get them,” he assured her. “Alright, well, since we’ve gotten the day off work, do you wanna get outta here? We can go back to my place.” He grabbed his coat and poured his mug out in the sink, kicking himself when he remember it would’ve been just fine when he came back in a week.

“I, er…” Melissa’s frown deepened slightly at his suggestion. “… Why?” She asked, raising an eyebrow a bit. “What, ah, are you thinking of doing, I mean?”

“Be, uh, comfortable?” Ted responded, confused that it wasn’t obvious. “We could go to your place too, I guess, I’m just not staying here if I’m not getting paid for it.”

Melissa hesitated for a second before making a decision. “Uh- your place could work, I guess.” She responded.

Ted led her out of the building and to his place. “This is Casa De Spankoffski,” he grinned, showing her around the small apartment. “I don’t think I caught your name,” he remarked, plopping down on the couch. “Davidson probably mentioned it but I barely listen to a word that comes out of his mouth.”

The young woman frowned slightly, raising an eyebrow and staring at Ted for a few long moments before she finally answered. “My name’s Melissa. Melissa Tamine.”

"Oh, nice, 'cause the universe says you're gonna be TaMine," Ted chuckled, opening a soda and turning on the TV only to find static. "A cruel, capricious universe that shut off any form of modern entertainment that isn't books while you're with your 'soulmate'."

Melissa had been gazing shyly at the ground when she entered, looking up as Ken introduced her only to blink as she made eye contact with one of her new coworkers and everything around them froze. “… Oh.” The woman said, biting her lip slightly. “Well, uh… this is… unexpected? um, h-hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, awkwardly offering her hand to Ted. At his words, Melissa blinked in confusion. “Sorry? For what?”

Ted snorted, sitting back in his chair. “Go in for a temp job, come out with a soul mate, huh,” he remarked, ignoring her question and opting to look around the room instead. He was handling this badly, this was going to be an awkward week if he made the one person that he could talk to think he was a total dick. “You could’ve had anyone else on the planet and you got stuck with me. I think that’s enough to be sorry for,” he shrugged. 

She waited for a few seconds before letting her hand fall back to her side. “I mean, I’ve just met you, Ted. I wouldn’t say that it’s been nearly long enough for us to have bad opinions of each other yet.”

“Oh, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll get them,” he assured her. “Alright, well, since we’ve gotten the day off work, do you wanna get outta here? We can go back to my place.” He grabbed his coat and poured his mug out in the sink, kicking himself when he remember it would’ve been just fine when he came back in a week.

“I, er…” Melissa’s frown deepened slightly at his suggestion. “… Why?” She asked, raising an eyebrow a bit. “What, ah, are you thinking of doing, I mean?”

“Be, uh, comfortable?” Ted responded, confused that it wasn’t obvious. “We could go to your place too, I guess, I’m just not staying here if I’m not getting paid for it.”

Melissa hesitated for a second before making a decision. “Uh- your place could work, I guess.” She responded.

Ted led her out of the building and to his place. "This is Casa De Spankoffski," he grinned, showing her around the small apartment. "I don't think I caught your name," he remarked, plopping down on the couch. "Davidson probably mentioned it but I barely listen to a word that comes out of his mouth."

Melissa had been gazing shyly at the ground when she entered, looking up as Ken introduced her only to blink as she made eye contact with one of her new coworkers and everything around them froze. “… Oh.” The woman said, biting her lip slightly. “Well, uh… this is… unexpected? um, h-hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, awkwardly offering her hand to Ted. At his words, Melissa blinked in confusion. “Sorry? For what?”

Ted snorted, sitting back in his chair. “Go in for a temp job, come out with a soul mate, huh,” he remarked, ignoring her question and opting to look around the room instead. He was handling this badly, this was going to be an awkward week if he made the one person that he could talk to think he was a total dick. “You could’ve had anyone else on the planet and you got stuck with me. I think that’s enough to be sorry for,” he shrugged. 

She waited for a few seconds before letting her hand fall back to her side. “I mean, I’ve just met you, Ted. I wouldn’t say that it’s been nearly long enough for us to have bad opinions of each other yet.”

“Oh, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll get them,” he assured her. “Alright, well, since we’ve gotten the day off work, do you wanna get outta here? We can go back to my place.” He grabbed his coat and poured his mug out in the sink, kicking himself when he remember it would’ve been just fine when he came back in a week.

“I, er…” Melissa’s frown deepened slightly at his suggestion. “… Why?” She asked, raising an eyebrow a bit. “What, ah, are you thinking of doing, I mean?”

“Be, uh, comfortable?” Ted responded, confused that it wasn’t obvious. “We could go to your place too, I guess, I’m just not staying here if I’m not getting paid for it.”

Melissa had been gazing shyly at the ground when she entered, looking up as Ken introduced her only to blink as she made eye contact with one of her new coworkers and everything around them froze. “… Oh.” The woman said, biting her lip slightly. “Well, uh… this is… unexpected? um, h-hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, awkwardly offering her hand to Ted. At his words, Melissa blinked in confusion. “Sorry? For what?”

Ted snorted, sitting back in his chair. “Go in for a temp job, come out with a soul mate, huh,” he remarked, ignoring her question and opting to look around the room instead. He was handling this badly, this was going to be an awkward week if he made the one person that he could talk to think he was a total dick. “You could’ve had anyone else on the planet and you got stuck with me. I think that’s enough to be sorry for,” he shrugged. 

She waited for a few seconds before letting her hand fall back to her side. “I mean, I’ve just met you, Ted. I wouldn’t say that it’s been nearly long enough for us to have bad opinions of each other yet.”

“Oh, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll get them,” he assured her. “Alright, well, since we’ve gotten the day off work, do you wanna get outta here? We can go back to my place.” He grabbed his coat and poured his mug out in the sink, kicking himself when he remember it would’ve been just fine when he came back in a week.

Melissa had been gazing shyly at the ground when she entered, looking up as Ken introduced her only to blink as she made eye contact with one of her new coworkers and everything around them froze. “… Oh.” The woman said, biting her lip slightly. “Well, uh… this is… unexpected? um, h-hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, awkwardly offering her hand to Ted. At his words, Melissa blinked in confusion. “Sorry? For what?”

Ted snorted, sitting back in his chair. “Go in for a temp job, come out with a soul mate, huh,” he remarked, ignoring her question and opting to look around the room instead. He was handling this badly, this was going to be an awkward week if he made the one person that he could talk to think he was a total dick. “You could’ve had anyone else on the planet and you got stuck with me. I think that’s enough to be sorry for,” he shrugged. 

Melissa blushed again, dropping her hand back to her side. “Ugh, yeah, that asshole.” She muttered, scowling at the floor for a moment before looking back up at Ted. “I, uh… are you sure?”

"You won't lose it, will you?" he asked, eyebrow raised. "I mean, even if you did, I'm pretty sure this is my only shot at marriage." A humorless chuckle spilled out of him before he pushed his chair back and stood up. "I need to get ready for work. I'll see you around, Liss."

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

“Yeah,” Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, “Or we don’t and I just use this to make her jealous,” he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa frowned slightly, turning back to face him again. “Ted.” She said, raising an eyebrow a bit.

Her frown deepening a bit, Melissa moved the pan off the hot burner and moved closer to the man. “Ted, I agree that you deserve someone like that, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t like that to be me, but not like this.” She shook her head slightly. “What we have is barely a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Charlotte, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Ted let out a sigh, the hysteria fading only slightly. “You’re right, you’re right,” he admitted, putting his head in his hands. “I’m not handling this very well am I?” he chuckled softly, leaning back into the chair. “I’m sorry, Mel.”

“It’s alright, Ted. This whole thing is a mess, we’re both allowed to be freaked out by it.” She replied, sitting down next to him and setting a hand on his shoulder.

Ted relaxed under her touch. “I mean, I don’t think it’d be that bad,” he shrugged stubbornly. He rested his hand on top of hers, grateful for the human contact. “I mean, better to be married to you than someone like Paul.”

A light blush coloring her face at those words, Melissa let out a faint laugh. “W-well, ah… I don’t see why we can’t make the most of this for now, until we can undo it.” Her smile shrank ever so slightly at the end of her sentence, and she started to pull her hand back.

As her hand slipped off of his shoulder, Ted leaned forward again to rest his head back in his hands. “I wonder what spurred all this on, you know, last night?” he wondered aloud, “Do you remember anything? The last thing I remember was showing up at Connie’s pissed off but I have no idea why. What in the hell were we drinking? Rufies?”

Melissa shrugged lightly. “I have no fucking clue.” She responded, frowning slightly. “I think we did a bit of barhopping? I’m not sure.” She looked back down at her hand, rubbing at where the ring had been.

"Y-You can still wear it, if you wanted," Ted told her in a soft voice before clearing his throat. "I mean, the only man in Hatchetfield that doesn't care when it comes to hitting on women with wedding rings on is the one who put it on your finger so that creep at Beanie's might finally leave you alone."

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

“Yeah,” Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, “Or we don’t and I just use this to make her jealous,” he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa frowned slightly, turning back to face him again. “Ted.” She said, raising an eyebrow a bit.

Her frown deepening a bit, Melissa moved the pan off the hot burner and moved closer to the man. “Ted, I agree that you deserve someone like that, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t like that to be me, but not like this.” She shook her head slightly. “What we have is barely a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Charlotte, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Ted let out a sigh, the hysteria fading only slightly. “You’re right, you’re right,” he admitted, putting his head in his hands. “I’m not handling this very well am I?” he chuckled softly, leaning back into the chair. “I’m sorry, Mel.”

“It’s alright, Ted. This whole thing is a mess, we’re both allowed to be freaked out by it.” She replied, sitting down next to him and setting a hand on his shoulder.

Ted relaxed under her touch. “I mean, I don’t think it’d be that bad,” he shrugged stubbornly. He rested his hand on top of hers, grateful for the human contact. “I mean, better to be married to you than someone like Paul.”

A light blush coloring her face at those words, Melissa let out a faint laugh. “W-well, ah… I don’t see why we can’t make the most of this for now, until we can undo it.” Her smile shrank ever so slightly at the end of her sentence, and she started to pull her hand back.

As her hand slipped off of his shoulder, Ted leaned forward again to rest his head back in his hands. "I wonder what spurred all this on, you know, last night?" he wondered aloud, "Do you remember anything? The last thing I remember was showing up at Connie's pissed off but I have no idea why. What in the hell were we drinking? Rufies?"

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

“Yeah,” Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, “Or we don’t and I just use this to make her jealous,” he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa frowned slightly, turning back to face him again. “Ted.” She said, raising an eyebrow a bit.

Her frown deepening a bit, Melissa moved the pan off the hot burner and moved closer to the man. “Ted, I agree that you deserve someone like that, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t like that to be me, but not like this.” She shook her head slightly. “What we have is barely a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Charlotte, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Ted let out a sigh, the hysteria fading only slightly. “You’re right, you’re right,” he admitted, putting his head in his hands. “I’m not handling this very well am I?” he chuckled softly, leaning back into the chair. “I’m sorry, Mel.”

“It’s alright, Ted. This whole thing is a mess, we’re both allowed to be freaked out by it.” She replied, sitting down next to him and setting a hand on his shoulder.

Ted relaxed under her touch. "I mean, I don't think it'd be that bad," he shrugged stubbornly. He rested his hand on top of hers, grateful for the human contact. "I mean, better to be married to you than someone like Paul."

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

"Yeah," Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, "Or we don't and I just use this to make her jealous," he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa frowned slightly, turning back to face him again. "Ted." She said, raising an eyebrow a bit.

Her frown deepening a bit, Melissa moved the pan off the hot burner and moved closer to the man. “Ted, I agree that you deserve someone like that, and I can’t say that I wouldn’t like that to be me, but not like this.” She shook her head slightly. “What we have is barely a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Charlotte, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Ted let out a sigh, the hysteria fading only slightly. "You're right, you're right," he admitted, putting his head in his hands. "I'm not handling this very well am I?" he chuckled softly, leaning back into the chair. "I'm sorry, Mel."

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

"Yeah," Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, "Or we don't and I just use this to make her jealous," he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa frowned slightly, turning back to face him again. "Ted." She said, raising an eyebrow a bit.

She nodded hesitantly, cracking some eggs into the pan after a minute. “I say we just pretend that this didn’t happen until we can undo it.” She answered, overhearing his words.

"Yeah," Ted nodded absently, before a thought popped in his mind, "Or we don't and I just use this to make her jealous," he shrugged with a sleazy grin. He was half serious but maybe knowing he was off the market for good might finally knock some sense into Charlotte, he hoped.

Melissa sat back up to read the texts, groaning quietly and burying her face in her hands. “God fucking- uh, maybe call her and explain this properly? She’ll still probably be, uh, furious, but...” She offered him a weak shrug.

"Maybe I'll just quit my job and find a new one. I'd rather not face her and tell her that we're-" Ted swallowed, bracing himself to say the word "-married now. I just promised her I'd stop sleeping with you."

"Yeah, that's... fair." She took a deep breath before standing up, letting out a quiet sigh. "I'm just... gonna go make us some breakfast."

Ted was taken aback that she hadn't noticed his willingness to just run off and ignore his responsibilities but he also privately wondered if she'd go with him. He'd grown fond of Melissa in the past few months he'd been spending more and more time with her. Now that they were "married", he couldn't help but wonder if it would really be that bad to just... Be with her. He shook the thought away, knowing it was ridiculous and completely nonsensical but it persisted as he followed her into the kitchen.

Melissa pulled some eggs out of the fridge, setting them down next to the stove as she waited for the pan to heat up. Hearing Ted come in after her, she pressed her lips into a thin line for a moment before speaking. "... How do you like your eggs, again?"

"Not raw," he muttered absently, sitting at the table and putting his head in his hands. He couldn't care less about eggs right now, though he knew his stomach was begging for them. "However you make them for yourself is fine with me." The true answer was scrambled with cheese but she didn't have to do all that. "How am I going to tell Charlotte?" he whispered softly to himself.

“Mmm...” Humming quietly as she slowly woke up, Charlotte blinked a few times and let out a soft yawn before looking up at Ted and blushing lightly. “Oh- I’m sorry- did I fall asleep?”

Ted smiled softly down at her despite himself. How could she be this adorable. Pushing the thought away, he sat up in his seat and cleared his throat. "I guess that move was a lot more boring than we suspected," he shrugged.

She let out a quiet laugh, sitting up herself and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "What time is it?" Charlotte asked, looking around for the clock.

"Quarter past ten," he groaned, checking his watch. "We still have... Plenty of time." He gave her a salacious wink and moved into kiss her, fully prepared to make up for lost time.