A Curious Bot

The kid was excited. Now that someone knew about… this self, he could go out. Try things he couldn’t in that robot form. Happy couldn’t blame him. It was nice he wanted to do things with Happy. Even if Happy didn’t have much interest in those things, not at this age. Maybe he could hand him off to some younger Avenger for stuff like that.

“You’re not in trouble. But it’s a scary world out there. I just… I don’t want anything to happen to you. And… well, there’s a lot we need to talk about, kid. It’s not all great. But, yeah, I promise to take you all kinds of places.”

“Scarier than when the house got blown up?” He questioned, looking a little confused. He had experienced being put in the water at the Malibu home and it was only because Tony fished him out of the ocean that he was here today. “I’m pretty tough. I’m tougher than most people because I got a strong body.”

“I mean, you can have any birthday you want. I don’t think you want mine though. It’s just tied to a really big American holiday and it’s not really that fun to share your birthday with a holiday.” Especially one as patriotic in nature as the fourth of July because people used it as a ‘well you really are captain america’ gotcha kind of moment. 

“I think everyone has an unbirthday? I don’t entirely know how that all works.” He admitted, with a shrug. 

“Well you only have one Birthday right? So the Mad Hatter says you have 364 unbirthdays. Because they are not birthdays. Papa, do you think I should share dad’s birthday? “

“Like you’ve shown up to them like this?” Happy questioned. But he knew the answer. If the kid had, recently, he would’ve known about Tony by now. The memorials were more prominent in the heart of the city than in Long Island. Still…

“I know he did.” Happy said gently, the panic of everything leaving. There was a new thing to worry about now.

“Now that we’re being honest with each other, though… I want to know when you’re gone. Okay?”

“Well, no. I usually went in robot form. But now I’m humanish? Isn’t that cool, Happy? Dad would think it was awesome. You know dad would love it. He’d be all over trying new things and doing new things. Hey Happy? Can we do new things? Like skiing. I could go skiing now. I could go surfing too...though water is a little scary...maybe skiing. Or snowboarding!” He paused at the serious tone in Happy’s voice.

“You want to know when I go places? Am I in trouble?”

“But not— This Pinocchio—“ Happy stopped himself from swearing. But DUM-E—Dee just looked like a little kid. Probably because the bot had an understanding of a little kid. Happy always thought Tony was too mean to them. Like being mad at a dog, what was the point?

“People say?” Happy fixed the kid with a pointed look. “What people? Have you been sneaking out of the house during the day?” Happy had long days, sometimes he wouldn’t come home until very late at night. Some days he left DUM-E on, he seemed to like to look out the window which made sense if he had nothing in front of him to do. Sometimes Happy left a puzzle, once he left a ABC book and pen and paper to see if that would produce anything. Could he really blame him when he suddenly sprouted a body not to go exploring?

“I’m not Pinocchio, I’m Dee.” He shook his head, looking at Happy like he was having a stroke. “People. Like Captain America, and and Pepper and all the other people. I sometimes leave the house. I mean...”

Happy stared at the kid for a few moments, his breathing coming back to normal again. A lot of the stuff the kid had said could’ve been found on the internet. A lot of kids looked up to Tony, thought he was cool. No one knew about that particular incident. As much as Tony resented his dad, as angry as he’d always been at him, he made sure no one ever knew about that. He’d told Happy a long time ago, after a few too many, after Happy had saved Tony from some asshole thinking they could pick a fight over some girl and win. Tony had just turned 30 the night before.

The robot wasn’t there at his kitchen table. And no one knew about the dunce cap thing. Happy had thought they were little birthday hats.

“He told you about that?”

“I was his best friend...well non-human best friend. You know how some people have dogs that they talk to? Well dad had us. We were his family. U, Butterfingers and me. He didn’t have a lot of human friends. You and Pepper. He pushed away a lot of his friends though. Even super powered friends.”

“No!” Happy got up, sweating through his shirt. He took off his jacket, tossing it on the couch and went to the fridge, getting a bottle of water out and opening it hastily. He moved to his laundry room, checking to see that the fabricator was still there. It was. This made no sense. None at all.

Happy took a deep breath and shut his eyes for a moment. He took a gulp of water and came back out to the kitchen.

“Alright, no more fooling around, kid. You tell me your name and who’s responsible for you. Right now. Or I can call the police and they can sort it out.”

“I’m the son of Anthony Edward Stark. He made me in the workshop. He is the son of Howard Stark and Maria Stark. He didn’t like his dad. He liked his mom. And he told me a lot about it. One time his dad hit him.”

“I’m not gonna argue with a hallucination!” Happy covered his face with his hands, then gestured with one, shooing the kid away. “Go– go away, little boy. You’re not real. I’m having a nervous breakdown. That makes sense. It’s about time… I’m just– Oh, god…” 

“I’m Dum-e. Not just a little boy. I’m a robot. Do you have any motor oil?”