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when i was a kid i decided that killing people was bad therefore war was bad therefore the military was evil. and adults would tell me it's more nuanced than that and i would understand when i grew up. well i'm a grown up now and idk i still think that killing people is bad and war is bad and the military is evil
hey so turns out im prone to religious psychosis and also have ocd tendencies relating to morality/spirituality so um one of the main things in my life that has brought me comfort and imagination and myticism is now a source of mental illness for me and thats gonna be really hard for me to step away from
also were talking about moving in together next year with two of our friends
one of these friends i just keep getting anxiety around and i know i need to listen to it but its very hard when i see how hard they make her laugh. makes me wonder. they really seem to get each other and i keep feeling very cryptic and creepy attack vibes from them
if you can read this go ahead and try to change something in this room
no one will believe me anyways
so if youre serious about this, why not prove it.
also i can see
if youre a lover, you have to be a fighter.
so fucking scare me already.
and anyways i almost wonder if the schizophrenia on my moms side doesnt play into some of this. part of me wonders whats actually going on. i can tell im more paranoid than usual, i can tell my thoughts are loose and dont make sense right now
im gonna be doing more research into psychosis tonight because after sitting here for 11 minutes after writing that i can tell im not feeling safe
and part of me is like “they want you to go back to feeling safe so they can get you when they least expect
started my period mid exodus, had a lot of trouble im very tired and cramping and having trouble
it keeps saying the lord hardened pharoahs heart??
funny how theyve seen all of these works of god and then theyre like “are u even real” when theyre thirsty and hes like “dont fkin tempt me alright”
i had a really hard time reading through all of the specifics of the ark and tabernacle and robe of the high priest and even the laws and consequences
the commandments say dont kill… and then theres a bunch of sacrifices ……
mercy seat. why is it called that. whos gonna sit on it and why r the cherubims facing it
exodus 31:14……. thinks abt how jesus was cut off from his people…..
god damn it aaron. bro it took 40 days of these people not badgering moses for direction and theyre like “well i guess none of that fever dream we went thru was real so lets just listen to aaron now”
exodus 32:14 IS CRAZY WHAT THE FUUCK
exodus 32;27 MOSES WHAT R U DOIN
what do the last two verses mean, did they journey or not? or did the visual just stay with them?
okay heres more notes after listening to niv audio book
exodus 21: it feels like the reason all of those laws were listed… like of what to do in certain sutuations, were individual situations that ACTUALLY happened, and were taken to god…. these individual situations were how god was trying to spell out to people how he loves i think. thinking about it in that way helps everything make more sense to me
i just keep wondering the meaning behind materials and colors for everything
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JOSEPH HAD THAT SHIT ONNN ya i love joseph hes awesome i wanna talk dream analysis with him. i love talking dreams
all of the lineage stuff was cool, its fun to look into the numbers too
over time the overall life span was decreasing, but people were having children earlier in life, and living longer and longer afterward
lamech is lame and so was cain and so was jacob but he has a small redemption arc
are we gonna talk about how lamech said he was avenged 77 times compared to cain’s 7…..?
i was so confused i had to back up multiple times. did not understand what he meant by avenged, dude litrally killed someone.
i was confused as to why all the damn lineage was being thrown in there, and i realized its like …… they went all this fucking time, all these years all these generations STILL feeling like cain was in the right…?.???????? wait what?????….and they didnt take any actuallypositive or constructive lesson from cain and ables stuff, lamechs just basically laughing about killing this guy who injured him
why r we killing people who hurt us
maybe it was accidental
maybe its the ocd tendencies talking but from the way he acted afterward maybe its deserved
even if it wasnt, and they felt justified in hurting us, like, wouldnt that just mean theyre also hurting inside themselves??
also i genuinely feel like cain was upset because he wasnt actually connected with what god asked of him because why would god ever be displeased with an offering unless. it came from a negative place. HEY!!! UH!!!!! cain apparently took fat off of baby animals??? so he was killing baby animals and was SO upset god didnt “favor” it , that he killed his brother hello???? didnt you do this to yourself??? didnt u like try to be weird abt the damn offering?
cain and able
lamech and the guy
jacob and esau
anyway it makes sense god wanted to do the flood because wwwoowww, i mean he was kind enough to save noah
isaac and israel(?)
what shape was the ark actually
been seeing someone talk abt how the ark was probably close to the end times firmament and gods throne and how the new world/heaven coming down probably looks like a ufo to people on earth… but then it says it was 300x50x30 cubits??? so im like “how is this circular and not really long, thats a 6:1 ratio”
also apparently it was coated in pitch which is this dark stuff and it loooks rly cool
and yeah anyway that girl talks about how weve been sold that aliens look like what god and angels and his designs for end time things looks like and how its probably a coverup so they can get more people to think its just aliens
why was canaan cursed and not any of noahs kids??
ham, shem and japheth were noahs kids, canaan was hams kid
ham told his brothers his dad was naked after drinking
(which, god doesnt see nakedness as a bad thing…? right? so why was it bad for ham to do that?
1. wouldnt it make sense for shem or japheth to get the curse because he was covered and therefore less close to god?
2. nowhere do i see it say anywhere so far that ham was making fun of noah??? so why did his son canaan get the curse?
3. i guess noah was just self conscious and didnt want anyone to know about it, so he *wanted* to curse ham, but theres nothing wrong with being naked its just a body (apprently ham was blessed by god so he couldnt be cursed, and even if we do something wrong god doesnt takesies backsies on his promises)
genesis 38:9
this one is a little fuckd up and i didn’t like it
and which part was god upset about because that changes how i see things a lot and could either be deeply upsetting and unsettling or comforting
ok so i havent been able to stop thinking about the rapture, and at this point i dont really know who cant or whos able to not (look up the recent world economic meeting and the talks about davos!!! ai is litrally like. the antichrist or something.)
it has been scaring the hell out of me for so so so long and i developed a sort of ocd tendency where i have been terrified of being a bad person for a while…(ie: causing harm and not realizing it, and me not realizing is evil, and not knowing what to do makes me evil and the fact i havent already done actions in order to resolve and repair is evil type thing)
and it was pointed out to me i think more about the rapture when that flares up
so i said fuck it //i know ive already deconstructed a lot of my beliefs but i know the feeling of love and safety i had as a child cant be wrong. its good for a child to feel safe and i need to feel safe again right now
i cant keep going outside in the middle of the night when its like im. basically sundowning ??? is what it feels like??????
sooo anyway this last sunday i decided to:
start reading the bible without influence of the church,( so i can make my own conclusions and build it from a better place and have an actually personal relationship with it and not something built off hate )
start observing the sabbaths so i can have AT LEAST ONE FUCKIN DAY OFF MY SCREEN LMAAOOOOOO
and keep the commandments (bc honestly theyre not bad commandments)
so all day sunday i read. i couldnt touch my phone because it was evil. and slept a fucking lot (because i had not slept well recently bc of all this fear) and i spent the whole day in between sleep trying to get through genesis and really take my time to understand it
anyway i have thoughts and questions and funny little observations and i only have one bible so i dont want to ruin the pages with notes just yet????
so i figured id start posting them here and maybe a little thing can get started with it??? dont know how im going to do this when i cant touch my phone because its evil but oh well im just gonna think and pray abt it i guess
also. i recognize this whole thing i started doing is based a little bit in fear and not in love. dont know what that means for me, freaks me out a little bit. i wish i was posting about my sweet girlfriend and this sweet relationship instead of coping
dont know what that means for me either. just. a bunch of confusion and nowhere to put it. feeling evil all the time and everything i do is wrong unless its spending time with god (which is actually a crazy thing for me to say)
ok so a bunch of stuff has happened. and i realized i got overwhelmed trying to post about it while ive just been dealing with it
me and my bestest friend are girlfriend and girlfriend now and im so excited and we had the most lesbian date ever in a tulip festival
she prognosis’d me with ocd tendencies and i said “ok word” and have been doing my best to deal with it and its hard and i feel like a bad person for not engaging in some of these behaviors
i got offered a part time position at work (apparently ive been an intern this whole time)…. they never got rid of me and i never left and now i have a supervisor and finally have structure in my damn life and it has been such a good positive change for me
living on my own is hard but also really nice
someone thought i was trying to be a homewrecker and kind of threatened to show up at my work… i dont know how to tell her i am not attracted to a man who has a wife and kids …. im queer and i can barely take care of myself
anyway he touched my shoulder at work after she already threatened so i had to get hr involved and tell my dad about it (who also works with me)
paid off a debt to my dad!!! (he helped me cover for some unexpected bills)
im about to turn 25 and still have never had a full time job
stopped medication, stopped therapy bc it wasnt helping, trying desperately to get back in rn but im on a waiting list
started posting creative projects online
just recently decided to start reading the entirety of the bible
me being afraid of choice my whole life, while the entire time my career, my life, my family, my friends, everything ended up culminating in a singular, impossibly perfect situation for me specifically to make sure i understand the gift of choice without undermining my fears around it like fucking what
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i dont want you to see that im mad, because i dont want you to feel bad, but fuck you axb, fuck you
fuck you
you fucked with my head for 6 years and left on the day. fuck you. as if it wasnt planned to some extent. it feels like you engineered that shit to hurt me as bad as you could. so much for communication or whatever.
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i killed off parts of myself so that they could be reborn as something different
i just kept making a fool of myself
some part of me knew, but i never fully realized it
i think i took advantage of you, i think i let myself stagnate because when you paid our bills it felt like love
it felt like i was being taken care of
like i was being told to relax, that it was okay to depend on you
and i let myself
but when it came down to it, you couldnt lie to yourself any more, that you dont feel any deeper affection for me than that
“i dont know that youre worth it” well i dont know that either
“grow up” i was trying. i thought i did.
im the reason this happened
but you dont cite any reasons like that
you just say its you, not me
it feels like youre lying
give me something to work with
i remember times i felt fully abandoned by you, like i was an after thought. i felt like ripping myself apart.
and i remember times where i felt like i was invincible, like i was an angel and you were spinning me around and we were flying. i felt like i could go anywhere and do anything with you.
im so fucking sad. im so fucking heartbroken. i cant stop crying. i loved you so much and i still do
i wish i could hold it against you. i wish i could see you happy and yet at the same time i never want to see you again.
the thought of you being with anyone else hurts so fucking much. i thought you really loved me. i really thought you loved me. im so fucking sad.
if you ever get to the point where you have to say “i can change”
then that means youre trying to convince them. you shouldnt need to convince someone.
if you could have changed then you would have, and you wouldnt have needed to say it. it would be/have been natural, because you would naturally know when they were hurting, which would hurt you too
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