i don’t understand why i do this to myself. maybe because i don’t know how to stop it? from the second i was brought to this earth i’ve experienced one thing consistently, abandonment.

WHY do i continue to torture myself when i already know the outcome? its right there in front of my face, every fucking time. and every fucking time, i make excuses for it, or better yet, ignore it.

my girlfriend loves to say that one thing she admires about me is everything i’ve been through and i haven’t managed to let it harden me. but i SHOULD let it harden me. how many times does my heart need to be thrown around before i learn to stop putting catchers mitts on the people i love? it’s my own fucking fault

it’s getting bad again

you truly don’t deserve this. you are the best person i know. please stick around a while longer, this whole thing will just be an old tableau.

we both knew it was a sin. that seeing her like that would’ve been a fucking crime.

but as soon as we touched skin. i knew it was just a matter of time.

i’ve always loved her. it’s now plain to see. but not back then. not to this degree

Why do I feel like I can’t be myself around you without judgment?

I love you with all my heart but sometimes I feel like someone could love ME more.

How can such a thing be true when there’s no heart left

Just an empty chest cavity

It’s too early to feel this way

Too early to cry

Too early to hide away

Too early to lie

To say I’m okay

Even though I’m very much not

To say go away

When really it’s all a plot

My thoughts come aloud

Even when I ask them not too

I’m too vulnerable for this

I’m not ready to face the truth

Please don’t get angry with me

Please understand my sorrow

Please just hold me tight

Why does it hurt so bad? Please make it stop.

It makes me so sad. I can feel my heart drop.

I ask for it. I lead the conversation.

But hearing you say it puts those words in translation.

The things you would do for them, the way you cared.

Makes me sick to my stomach, makes me feel scared.

What if you go back, what if you decide I’m not for you.

What if you see what I lack, the things I can’t do.

I’m not them, I’m me. And I’m scared one day you’ll see.

I wanna bash my head into a wall or punch something maybe not so small. I’m so angry they got to see you in that form. A form I’ll never see you. So I sit here and write a fucking poem and hope that’ll never be you.

You know that feeling when you’re just sitting at the bottom of a pool?

That’s how you make me feel.

You give me a whole new perspective on life.

I can’t hear anyone, not because I physically can’t, just more because I don’t care to.

Everything seems so perfectly put together.

It’s so warm and so comforting like you could stay there forever.

The issue is, you can’t.

If you stay there just a minute too long, it could end badly.

But always for you, never for the pool.

At some point you start to realize you can’t breathe.

You start to panic and flail your arms and legs.

Anxiety running through your body.

All I’m asking is this, please drain your water.

Let it all go and let me inside.

It’s so much better for us if you do.

I promise I won’t leave.

You were my best friend, my partner in crime

And forever you will be my beautiful butterfly

You loved me when nobody else did,

Even when I treated you like shit

Never will I forgive myself for the way I made you cry

I just miss you always by my side

Everyone tells me that I have to be strong

But what’s the point when everything is wrong

I loved god, I really did

Ever since I was a kid

But when I sat by your side in that hospital bed

All I could do was bow my head

I sat and I prayed, I prayed for your life

But never again will you see the light

So once again, I deeply apologize

And I will always think of you when I look to the skies

You will never see me on my wedding walkway

You will never see me graduation day

One more thing before I go

Everyday I see your face and I’m in absolute awe

Everyday I feel your grace and I swear I’d break the law

Just to get another day and I’ll say another day until my hair turns gray

I’ll say another day everyday until we run away

Run away into the green - into the beautiful scene where you become my queen

But remain unseen because this scene is just so serene

Love me like you say you do - show me that this is true

I’m giving my all to you

If only you knew the things I would do just to get us through

Through to the end - everyday I’ll contend

To be not just your lover but your best friend

Through every break and bend