One thing I’ve noticed is how upset people have gotten at me in the past for having standards. I don’t think they’re outrageous— be a kind person, don’t be a bigot, don’t be selfish, care about the people around you, consider the consequences of your actions on yourself and on others.
And yet, every now and again, someone pops into my life and gets irrationally offended that I won’t accept just any kind of behavior. That I have limits. Literally, their problem is simply that I find some things they do unacceptable. And all of a sudden, the narrative is that I’m irrational, I’m stuck-up, I think I’m too good for anybody, and I refuse to accept people the way they are.
And it’s like. I do not owe you unconditional love. Nobody owes you unconditional love. In fact, unconditional love and acceptance, when it comes to the way someone behaves, are a golden opportunity for abusive people to exploit (which isn’t the fault of victims), and a golden opportunity for those who love unconditionally to do themselves a disservice. Anecdotally, those who have required unconditional love from me despite their behavior were in some of the least healthy relationships I have ever seen. I’m talking constant tears and complaints about relationships they just could not let go of. They expected me to have no boundaries because they had no boundaries, regardless of how badly that turned out for them.
Please set conditions for your love. You do not need to put up with selfishness, you do not need to put up with bigotry, you do not need to put up with malice, and you can and should decide what kind of people you want in your life.
Please, in the name of self-preservation and your mental health and all the good you deserve, define what is unacceptable to you and stick to it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re asking for too much. You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong people.
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