i love how asagiri handles chuuya's past in stormbringer because, precisely, his past doesn't matter. in the end of the light novel, chuuya doesn't even get the answer to his questions. it fits bsd's theme of existence so well: chuuya keeps trying to define himself by the position he occupies in the world – king of sheep, then leader, then mafia –, he is always obsessively trusting the world around him to tell him what he is supposed to do because he lacks his "humanity". he considers himself a little pattern without a body of his own. heartless. a black hole. and in stormbringer he finally gets to confront that past and it doesn't change anything. he doesn't discover anything that could prove who he is, while at the same time, chuuya shows who he is choosing to be.

the weird thing about not having a concrete diagnosis (my therapist only knows for sure that i fall into the psychosis spectrum) is that sometimes i go crazy everyone-is-trying-to-kill-me for a month then one day it just goes away and i have to wait until it reaches me again

turned out I didn't need to get hospitalized i just needed to read the fifteen light novel again yay