Queer Blog

I can honestly say there were a few girls I crushed on in high school. 

I am more comfortable talking to girls now than I was a few months ago, BUT the intimidation still exists. I think its only there to cause absolute torture, honestly. The courage I have to be more open in conversations NOW is because of the subreddit I follow, and the groups I have joined on facebook. The ladies I’ve talked to have been super welcoming. Some have not but I don’t let them damper my energy... because ya know, fuck them when Im just trying to be nice and make conversation. 

In high school, I had a crush on this girl who I met during a lunch period. I don’t even think I ever had a class with her. I honestly cant remember. Her style, and her energy really made me want to be friends with her. When I met her, she had a girlfriend. I don’t exactly remember who I was with, or what we were doing but I DO remember walking into the classroom and they were sitting across from each other. They said hi to me after I was introduced to them and the girl I liked gave me a smirk. This ONE smirk.. gave me intense butterflies. and I never forgot it. 

I’ve watched so many tiktoks about this.. and my goodness. I realize what they meant. Applying this to hetero relationships in my life.. I’ve been known to move fast. I want to know where I stand early on in the relationship, even before a relationship has been established. 

Im real communicative when it comes to how I feel and I’d rather the person know than have to hide it. Growing up, women are accustomed to not showing guys too much emotion because they run. Not putting all your cards on the table because they take advantage. Not having sex to early because they won’t respect you. Making all the effort to play hard to get to see if they like you or not... or will make the effort to keep you around. This is TOO many games. WAY too many. I NEVER liked this. 

I personally want to tell people how I feel head on. If I like you, Im going to tell you. I have to, otherwise I feel like Im keeping a deep, dark secret. With me newly out as gay... its tough to get back into being communicative. The guy I was with.. didn’t like talking about feelings and after being in that relationship for so long, it was normal for me to swallow my feelings, swallow any criticism for the sake of my relationship and how HE felt about ME. Why did I allow this? As a person, in any relationship, I shouldn’t have to walk on glass. I shouldn’t have to be careful about what I say to not anger you. If there’s an issue, I need to feel comfortable to let you know. If I don’t then I can’t be in the relationship. 

I’ve realized that Ive been avoiding a subject. 

XXX rated content. those websites... you know. I know you know what Im referencing. I don’t know if my post will be blocked so I don’t wanna say it blatantly and lose the content of this post. I would love to be more blunt about it though.

When I was young.. I wanna say... maybe 10 or younger... I happened to catch my stepdad watching some really provocative videos. I heard the moaning, I heard the “daddy” references and I was curious. I never SAW the videos but I did hear it. A few days later, my sister heard it as well. I don’t remember all the details but maybe a week or so later, we got onto our moms laptop.. and searched up some videos. I don’t remember how we got there. It could have already been in the history, maybe we googled it.. I don’t really know. 

So.. we were watching lesbian categorized videos and we kept watching. It was interesting to us both. This was back when scissoring was first introduced... where “she-male” “transvestite” and “dyke” were considered to be regular terms in the industry. These words are disgusting REGARDLESS. and a little irrelevant to my story, but it does give a timeline on how long ago this happened. 

Our mom caught us... after we had been sitting there for HOURS watching videos. Now whoooooo would have thought both of us liked girls? We were watching so intensely that we didn’t realize our mom was watching US watching girls do their business! 

In my junior and senior year of high school, a friend of mine would tell me how amazing it was for him to watch when he was single. It helped relieve stress by getting off and he wouldn’t have to worry about anything afterwards. Did it intrigue me? Yes. HELL yes. So I started watching. I found myself on hetero fantasies, but ALWAYS focused on the girls. If I saw guys.. their faces, I was immediately turned off. (side note: now that I think about it... I don’t think I’ve talked to ANYONE about watching this stuff) I could watch them do stuff to men.. I could listen and hear women moan and the MINUTE the man would moan, Im ready to click to another video. Hearing women moan and talk during the videos, is a definite turn on. CONSENT is sexy too. “You like that” and “oh show me” is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing. You catch the emphasis? 

I’ve gotten my Nexplanon removed. 

For anyone who has had it before, some people have a good reaction to it and others do not. When I got it, I bled for maybe a week (which the doctor said was normal) and I rarely had a period afterwards. Spotting was rare but it did happen from time to time. 

In the 3 years that I had Nexplanon, I have put on 40 pounds of weight. I tried dieting, I tried eating healthier, exercising and NOTHING was working. Its been a real struggle with this weight. After meeting with my doctor and getting a blood culture done, she said Im “healthy” based on my bloodwork.. but my BMI makes me obese. You’d think that being OBESE means you’re unhealthy, right? Apparently not in this case. Now, this doesn’t apply to everyone BUT I definitely don’t feel comfortable in my skin with the way my body looks. Its not a lack of self confidence, but I don’t feel okay. Im working on that though. I’ve done a lot of research and a number of things could be contributing to the weight gain.

Fucking hormones.