zero.

*barry wakes up and sees a spider at the edge of his pillow*

barry: is that a fucking spider..?

spider: no, im a fucking ferret.

barry: did that ferret just talk..?

spider: (laughs) holy fucking shit you really believed that im a ferret.

barry: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKI-

spider: (laughs uncontrollably) you're a fucking goofball!

barry: how about i fucking kill you mr. spider.

spider: hey how bout you shut up with your bushy ass eyebrows. THOSE SHITS FORREALLY LOOK LIKE FERRETS!

barry: you think i have bushy eyebro-

spider: OH MY GOD! MY MANS! STOP TALKING! YOUR DRAGON BREATH IS GIVING ME A STROKE!

barry: you know wha-

spider: MY MANS WHAT I JUST SAY!? YOUR SHIT DEAD ASS FUCKING ME UP, MY EYES ARE FUCKING WATERI-

*barry flicks the spider off the pillow and turns to lay on his other side*

spider: (from the distance) YOU PUSSY! YOU SNUCK MY SHIT, ONE OF MY LEGS IS FUCKED UP! RUN ME A FAIR ONE!

barry: you're annoying, go away.

lou: (tweets) pray for my cousin tony, he's sick in the hospital

*30 minutes later he hears an explosion*

lou: WHAT THE FUCK!?

*lou looks out the window to see tony floating in the sky shooting fire out of his hands at a bunch of police cars below him*

lou: (tweets) OK STOP FUCKING PRAYING FOR TONY HE'S OUTSIDE FLYING AND DESTROYING SHIT

tony: HAHAHAHAHAHA

lou: (shouts out the window) TONY CALM DOWN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

tony: SHUT UP LOU YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME

lou: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU! YOU'RE FUCKING SHOOTING FIRE OUT OF YOUR HANDS!

*tony grabs a police officer and flies in front of lou's window. tony flips him off and then flies off into the distance*

lou: fucking dick..

pete: be prepAAaaAaaaared to be scAaaAAaAared!

jerry: oookay?

*pete shows a jack-o-lantern to jerry*

jerry: get the fuck away from me with that! its not even scary you fuck boy

pete: okay..

*pete put the jack-o-lantern down and pauses then stares off into the distance*

jerry: u good pete?

pete: yeah..

*pete then reaches behind him and pulls out a 12 gauge and presses it onto jerry's forehead*

jerry: WHAT THE FUCK!?

pete: YOU SCARED BITCH!?

jerry: DUDE STOP PLEASE

pete: haaa got you! halloween is fun

*pete then begins to laugh hysterically and jerry begins to step back slowly then sprints out the door. once he gets outside he is stopped to pete standing right in front of him staring deep into his eyes laughing*

jerry: WHAT KIND OF SORCERY!?

cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

tim: because i drive like a pu-

cop: BECAUSE YOU DRIVE LIKE A PUSSY!

tim: dad, you've done this 6 times in the past 30 minutes, can you just teach me how to ride my bike..

mom: i found something under your bed jordan.

me: word, what'd you find?

mom: take a guess.

me: my remote!?

mom: ha no. take another guess.

me: idk.. shoes?

mom: yep i found shoes

me: do they look fly, if so throw em in my closet ill rock em for the hoes when i get back

mom: not funny, i found weed jordan.

me: oh..

mom: wait til you get home

me: no

mom: no?

me: im not coming home.

mom: yes you are! be home in an hour!

me: no need for exclamation marks. lets just talk this out

mom: no come here NOW!

me: im not coming home peep the news in 10 mins you'll find me dead lol

mom: you think i care if you die? you're gonna die when you get here

me: yooo chillllll

mom: see you soon.

me: what is this murder type shit "see you soon" yooo hell no im not doing this, i'm not going down for this ITS NOT MINE!

mom: who's is it then?

me: i aint no snitch.

mom: you have 10 mins to come home

me: im bringing a bomb.

*gets left on read*

a drunk luke is sitting next to nolan. jordan jake and jeff are sitting on the couches and matt from across the room throws a bottle cap at nolan.

nolan: (laughs) what the fuck

luke stands up and runs across the room and grips matt's throat

matt: woah dude what's good with you?

luke: (yells) keep that fucking shit away from me i don't fuck with that shit get away from me!

matt: what's happening!?

luke puts his other hand around matt's neck everybody is silently watching as a little giggle bursts from a high jeff

matt: luke dude!

luke: stop fucking doing that shit get away!

matt: you came to me!

luke lets go of matt's neck and storms off

jordan: what the fuck just happened

ally: come on!

ally grabs jordan's arm and brings him into a separate room

jordan: what are we doi-

ally kisses jordan and pushes him onto the bed

jordan: so uh.. is this happening

ally: (laughs) shut up

jordan: i mean like.. i need to know cause ill go find a condom or something

ally: what?

jordan: fuck you mean what?

ally: you use condoms?

jordan: the fuck is good with you? yes i use fucking condoms

ally takes off her shirt and smiles at jordan

ally: you still wanna use a condom?

jordan: do i need to hit you or something? yes i still wanna use a fucking condom.

ally: oh my god you're so childish.

jordan: (yells) childish!?

ally: yes fucking childish.

jordan puts his fists up

jordan: back the fuck up hoe you aint getting my seed!

ally: fuck this

ally puts her shirt on and walks out of the room

*goes to the strip club with my cousin, lino*

stripper: hey, what's your name

*she winks at me and begins to dance in front of me*

me: jordan

stripper: your name is foreign? haha

me: what..? no, it's jordan

*she takes off her shirt*

me: (ahh.. why the fuck do her boobs look like scrunched up faces)

stripper: ohhhh gordan, that's a cute name. my name is courtney

me: no what the fuck, my name is jord-

courtney (stripper): so gordan, what do you do?

me: i'm also a stripper actually

courtney (stripper): IM NOT A STRIPPER IM AN ENTERTAINER!

me: uhh okay?

*she smacks her thigh and a loud clap echoes through the room*

me: the fuck..?

lino: did she just smack her thigh?

courtney (entertainer): you haven't even thrown a dollar, am I not good enough for you or something gordan?

me: you're smacking your thigh for some reason and i'm not a fan of it

courtney (entertainer): oh well you're a fucking asshole..

*she walks away*

lino: dude, why was she smacking her thigh that hard though?

*goes to the movies after getting high*

cashier: that will be $8.25

*gives her $18*

me: fuck, is that enough?

cashier: why'd you give me $18

me: (oh shit, she said 8 not 18..)

*she hands me back the extra cash and hands me a ticket*

me: i'm sorry i'm super high right now

cashier: oh..? um.. the movie is in theater 3. enjoy the movie

me: yeah, you too.

*i come home to see my gamecube memory card broken in pieces*

me: so is somebody gonna tell me what the fuck happened here!?

*the house stays silent*

me: OH OKAY, FUCK ME RIGHT? LET'S JUST BREAK JORDAN'S SHIT AND NOT GIVE AN EXPLANATION, HE'S JUST A WORTHLESS SPICK HUH!?

j.d: oh my friend kinda stepped on it

me: your friend..

j.d: kinda stepped on it, yes.

me: well your friend is going to fucking die because i was 2 shine sprites away from getting every fucking shine sprite in super mario sunshine and i just lost everything

j.d: sorry.

me: fuck you, fuck your stupid ass friend, fuck super mario sunshine, fuck gamecube, fuck everything. if i died right now that'd be kinda fucking straight because my life is ruined.

*harry potter comes on tv*

*goes through TSA*

male TSA worker: please stay there sir, we've picked something up in your crotch area

me: ok..?

worker: sir, i have to search you in a private room

me: are you gonna touch my dick..?

worker: uh technically yes

me: ahhh this is hella sus

worker: follow me sir

me: you're not even a pretty dude this is so susssss

*i follow him into the private room to be searched*

worker: im using the back of my hand

me: ha ok? this still sus

*i wake up to "good life" by kanye west playing on the aux*

me: banger.

d.k: facts.

*i look out the window and see a bunch of florida license plates as we drive down the street*

me: florida is pretty cool

d.k: florida is kinda sus, it's just a bunch of shirtless old dudes with spray tans and grey chest hair.

*i look at the people walking on the sidewalk, every other person is a shirtless old dude in flip flops*

me: fuck, you're right. lets get out of here, florida is hella sus.