Home of another

Today I sit at home, surrounded by all the documents of our life. And I cry. You sit at your office and plan an evening. And I cry. How is anyone supposed to know when it’s time to say goodbye? How is anyone supposed to know what is worth the fight? How does anyone know how to do anything but cry?

As we near the end of June and July is just round the corner, so is my 29th Birthday and the countdown to 30 begins. So I thought this was the perfect opportunity to set myself 12 goals, one a month, to get me to 30. 1. Get better at taking criticism – I am notoriously bad at being criticised and immediately assume I am being told off . Time to deal with that. 2. Learn to drive – I think by 30…

Is it him buying you ice cream but getting the order wrong? Is it wanting to sleep with him but always ending unsatisfied? Is it him knowing your stance on substances and knowing he is doing them behind your back? Is it hating his friends for making you feel excluded? Is it him asking to spend time with you but then watching a 2 hour YouTube video without you? Is it him listening to what you…

What’s it called when your relationship is hanging on depending on how you feel after a Zumba class? What’s it called when you are so tired of being the problem? What’s it called when you can’t deal with being so disappointing to someone for just being yourself? What’s it called when your heart is breaking and you are just reliving every moment of your life in tragic detail?

Where to start. Disappointment is the word that is always thrown around to be more hurtful and impactful than angry. To tell a child you are disappointed is meant to have more scope and impact. As a child I don’t think this was true, however as an adult. Absolutely. With angry, you can fight back, you can defend, you can get angry back. With disappointment you have to sit in the feeling and…

I wish you had been nicer to me. I wish you had been able to tell me you loved me. I wish you had listened when I asked you to change. I wish I didn’t still think about you all the time. I wish it had been you.

The curse of the pitfall

I am feeling a tad cursed. Doomed to not a day without a problem, an event to spoil it, the joy to be removed and replaced with the negative. Why when the day is running smoothly and well must an unforeseen circumstance occur that ruins it? Why I am cursed to feel that whirling in the pit of my stomach and the sting in my eyes. Why can I not bear even a day of just goodness, why must it always…

Hey you, the one who I had to leave Hey you, who seems to know me Hey you, who seems to have a sense for when I need you Hey you, to the one I am scared to remember Hey you, to the me who misses you desperately Hey you, to the memories that are rising Hey you, to the dangerous road that’s unveiling Hey you, wake up. Hey you, remember what you have to lose and what you have given up to be…

I have finally made it, June. A month that marks the end, that marks a return to freedom, a month that marks a return to me. So today I awoke early, I exercised my body, my mind and my soul. I am coming back to myself, and June is marking the start.

I am not disgusting.This body isn’t gross.This body doesn’t transform into a hideous beast. It still deserves to be caressed.It still demands pleasure.It still yearns for intimacy. The tone of wet doesn’t make it less wet.The removal of a tampon is like the unhooking of a bra.It requires a moment but the rewards are just as fruitful. It’s a time of the month,Not a declaration of closure.

It’s in the moments I am alone that I seek you It’s in the moments I am alone your absence is so heavy It’s in the moments I am alone that I think I have made a mistake It’s in the moments I am alone that I think I’ll never be whole without you It’s in the moments I am alone that I fantasise It’s in the moments I am alone that I want to reach out It’s in the moments I am alone that I worry…

Well that took a turn. It had a good streak, but I guess it was inevitable. Strangely though this is not how I saw this coming. Definitely not by a misunderstanding. Definitely not by the fact the reality is very much the opposite. Not it ending this awkward. I thought we could resolve. Apparently we cannot. Noted.

It’s like I have been able to catch my breath. Just a little, take an inhale and breath out fully. I will miss you forever. I will grieve the possibilities and the future we don’t have. And I will live cookie, I will live every second of every day and be all the me I am. And I will love me and I will find someone who will love me in the moments that I forget to love me.

I am sorry. Please take your pieces and cuddle them until they fuse back together. You are worth every little piece that’s broken, you are worth every tear. Never regret it. I wont. It’s a part of your beautiful story and makes you all the more human and alive. And you can love them forever, they can sit in a little bit of your mended heart, it won’t make it any less yours. That’s what my…

It’s the night before the start It’s the night before the little eyes of anticipation and excitement greet me The night before the chaos of summer ends and the dawn of autumn begins The night before we grow and change The night before we make a choice of who we will be The night before all the planning comes into play It’s the night before school starts and I am ready.

Today I turn the ripe old age of 27. So this year, we are celebrating! Here are 27 things I have achieved: 1. I have lived in 3 countries 2. I have been in love 3. I have jumped out of a plane 4. I have made and kept supportive and wonderful friends 5. I graduated from university – twice 6. I completed my teacher training 7. I have read a multitude of amazing books 8. I have read a…

I have been struggling with my body image for a little over a year now. It wasn’t a new problem for me, it was one that plagued my adolescence, but it came back for an encore last year and has been a nightmare to try and shake. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are impossible and it worries me. I don’t want to be the girl who is sat hovering over the toilet with her fingers down…