Strength In Numbers #

09/18/2020

So things are going slowly both packing and house wise.  I’ve been down with migraines most the week.  tried new meds that aren’t working and just getting burnt out.  

However I’ve gained such a remarkable sense of my spirituality back that its just reassuring.  I fought so long for that being again and cried so many nights.  I now know that what ever happens with the house is gods plans, not mine,   That may be he has us not moving as JL will pass i hope not but it is getting closer as much as i dont want to admit it.  Maybe there are other reasons. All i know is its in his time not mine, and that on the other side is something great.  Maybe the trailer i want is one left after the one i have is sold.  I’m keeping these short and wanna share a song that absolutely makes me cry every time i hear it as i love my bf so much and for 20 yrs he’s been my rainbow.  

09/15/2020

So i’ve started packing, minimal stuff that if we dont get the house right away it wont matter if its packed.  I have found that my obsession to be in control all the time of anything and everything in my life is driving me nuts.  I use to have control over my controlling everything.  When i lost my spirituality that went with it.  I really had a hard time getting back into my spirituality even just a little back.  I just not feel like if i sit quietly and think about the situation that its all in gods plans, that in his time not mine and that on the other side of the door is something better.

Upper scope

long time

So I’ve not been able to get on my computer and log for a long time.  i”ve fallen into a deep depression with lifes happenings.  I grew up in the early 70′s and 80′s where we played in the streets, ran with neighbors, dialed rotitary phones to make calls, listened or we got our ass’s busted, never talked back, respected our elders. new the police where the law and first responders where to help.  guns where used to hunt or target practice, and everyone in town and neighborhoods new each other and respected one another.  We all went to church on sundays and chatted afterwards sometimes even went for meals together. the gals when they hit 10-12 would babysit for responsiblity and cash to spend on what they want because many parents couldnt pay allowances.  

Today as i sit and watch the news day by day i cry more and more. I am appauled at the hate, jelousy and anger in the country and the hanious murders and crime.  I cry as i wonder will the future ever be even remotely close to what the past was.  Will anyone ever respect anyone and will our first responders ever be able to do their job without fear or death.. 

I have never been a predgidous person but I really hate what our world has become and we all bleed red there for no one is better than anyone else and no one has any other color than anyone else.  God created everyone out of the same dust same love same hands.  I only hope The hate can stop

Opinion

I’m so lost 

So for any of my followers or people who may just come across this post.  There will be many tears, fears, and joys in it.   As you all know it been a while since I wrote.  I’ve had a very hard yr as you all know and the holidays are hitting me harder than thought.  

To start got lost in the world.  I have never felt so unglued in 10-15 yrs as I have in the last yr.  I lost myself truely and it hurts, it's scary and no one understands it unless they live it.  

My depression kicked in during surgery and rehab. then my body slowly came unglued.  My bipolar came raging back full force and I started having anxiety attacks like I’ve never had.

Suicidal ideation, drinking myself into oblivion and finding out just how many codeine I could take without dying became a daily thought

I have a wonderful supporting boyfriend who has pulled me up through all this and im not sure how or why.  I have never gone under existence like this time.  I didn't want to color, which is my biggest out and music, I didn't want to watch tv, read, use the internet, FB, messager, sleep, play with my cat or dogs, go outside or to appointments.  I was just not sure who I was what I wanted to do or what I should do.

I have never been so lost in myself and it was the scariest thing ever.

they changed my meds to diazepam 5mg 2x daily and an extra 1000 mg daily. I go back to dr tomorrow.  I will try and keep updated but as always can't promise anything... 

So tonight I sit and write this in the darkest hole I’ve been in for a long time.  My meds that I have been on for years are no longer working.  The hell im living is very real and I would never want anyone to live it.  My stomach nauseous, quivery just before a anxiety attack starts, then the depression and the deep hell from there... I can't cry cause there's so much fear of what is next.

I’ve called my dr I see him tomorrow, It was in the er last night but no help there just take the anxiety pill that you didn't take in middle day... Really I’ve tried to explain to everyone and I mean everyone.. why I don't take this mid-day pill is because done of them help not morning afternoon or bed. Even when I took them before.. but no one gets it.  I just wish someone would live my hell for a day and someone would feel what I feel.  

Well, I started a post the other day but somehow it got deleted. 

So it has been a while since writing im still stuck in a holding pattern with depression and stress.  I get very irritated lately with dale... I ask something and he doesn't hear or care too.  I try to get things accomplished and get nowhere.  I have a plan to get an art area set up in the dining room.  I just don't have enough room here in the living room anymore... It is much more comfortable but very tight and cant stretch out...  The whole taking dogs outworked a week or so and now we're back to the basement. He thinks I don't realize how much he hurts or care and it's pissing me off as I do realize I just can't help it however I hurt to... My foot is far from feeling good.  I feel like I’ve hit a new platto for my depression as all I do is sleep half day.  I just don't know what to feel about this pain thing as the dr says he only has one stone and there shouldn't be any pain... So what the hell what's up and why then... last year it was the gallbladder so all I can think this time is appendix but who knows im not a dr but should have been... 

I know lately, he seems to forget that I hurt also and can't do everything around here that he wants me to... Yes, he cooks, grocery shops puts stuff up, gets me stuff when needed, and takes the garbage out...   However I have been sweeping and picking up living room and kitchen, making piles of laundry, putting up dishes, loading dishes which have sat for a week so there are flys and stench... sometimes feeding and watering dogs as they go without water all day cause he sleeps, I’m so lost and frustrated I am just getting angrier by the day.  He just doesn't get it...

Like yesterday we got home at almost 5pm from dr and he goes directly to bed,, no food nothing.  sleeps till around 7 goes to the bathroom and back to bed..  so I wake him at 12am concerned for his sugars and he has a freaking fit with me... why did I wake him and why am I angry... It's a never-ending saga he doesn't get that if you sleep and your sugars run low you won't wake up... Im ready to say FK if you don't care if you live neither do I cause I have told him a hundred times.  Just like taking meds all he cares about is his antidepressants and sleeping meds... not cool.. Or smoking in house which we aren’t sposta do and he decided he’s too sick to smoke with door open or tap pipe outside to empty... so ya now I got ashes all over floor and house is smokey which if rod ever comes over im getting evicted which won't matter it will be up to me to figure out what and where to go.. rushing the day before the cleaning lady comes to organize the whole house.  no reason house should need to be cleaned 2xs wk plus organized before coming.

He hasn't showered before I went for surgery in July... so more than 4 months he is constantly scratching and I say if you’d wish that it wouldn't itch... yesterday before apt I had to tell him to take and put clean underwear on... I feel like a baby siter.. he just doesn't get it and I don't know how to make it clear to him that he’s taking advantage of the situation, being lazy and a pig... 

He acts like he’s losing his faculties, like its hard to explain, he's a very intelligent person but the way he acts sometimes you’d never know. like even j.l saw it the other day and started to ask about it.  I started to explain it and stopped and said I would talk later... lately he acts very kiddish.. I don't really have anyone to talk to cause dawn has her own issues and is in kc. Wanda and I don't know each other very well,  J.L. doesn't know either of us well so and well at counseling he’s gonna go nothing like a bash dale session.. so I guess here it sits unanswered like rest of my life... 

My past has me trapped in so many ways... The PTSD won't allow me to let him touch me hold me or anything for fear of rejection and him leaving.  I don't want to have sex as I don't want to hurt him or me... I love him and can't hold him cause im too damn hot... I hate this im so trapped.. well shut up for now...