Stories of Plas

Hey world of Tumblr.

 I have disappeared off the grid for a bit.

I had a few monumental changes happen.

 One in particular was grow feelings for someone, when I thought I never would again.

 I’m still yet to act on these feelings, and really don’t know if I should even accept if they are even genuine feelings or treat these feelings as a distraction from something more serious.

All I know is I should not act on these feelings.

I’ve had my 30th since my last post – I was able to enjoy that with close friends, I then attended one of my distant cousins wedding and was fortunate to celebrate an amazing evening with the family.

Also one of my good mates, practically a brother, married the love of his life, and I was given the gracious honor of being their MC for the evening.

 I’ve decided to type today because firstly it has been a while, but secondly I’m in a strange mood.

As I recently mentioned, I have grown feelings for someone, at first I was certain just as companionship. But tonight it’s kind of affected me in the manner that I want to be next to her. Maybe still as companionship, maybe more. But laying in my room with the tv on the background – it’s not the same as it was last night even though we were doing the exact same thing, in fact even more tired, however we were together.

 My relationship with my siblings have grown, I’ve made sure to be a part of their lives more so than what I was the past two years.  But I have strained my relationship with my father. We’ve had our moments already this year, and I fear that I am solely tolerating him simply so mum can be happy at the end of everything.

 I’ve engaged more into my fitness, ensuring morning jogs keep me pre-occupied before work, and then following up my stressful days at work by exhausting myself at the gym. So far my body has been coping, and I have noticed slight changes. But I need to focus on my eating habits as I know without the control of that all these exercises mean nothing.

 This is also the first weekend that I have not taken any drugs (apart from alcohol). Its not that I didn’t want to either since I did get offered twice, but better judgment on other people’s behalf took the best of me.

It’s something I have been trying to ponder about – the reliance of feeling such a high. Does it mean that I am that depressed constantly? Does it mean that I need to escape my reality? Or is it simply because I’m waiting for that one high that I can never escape?

 Some of the comedowns have been very difficult to actually come out from. And each time I experience these come downs, I begin to recall that fateful evening.

That night where I placed the blade on my skin, I still remember the ice cold metal on my arm. But I never did anything; instead I placed it back on my bedside table and hugged my dogs.

 Oh and that’s the other thing. Prince is no longer living with me currently. And I miss him dearly. This year is already testing my emotional barriers. And I don’t know how to handle them at times.

 I want to tell her things. But I don’t want to burden her with my troubles.

She has a sense of the type of person that I am – and she practically knows I can change my mood. It’s scary how she understands me.

And I don’t want to be guarded from her. But I know I need to be. I can’t be close to anyone.

It’s why now I’ve jumped back on tinder, re-igniting old girls that I never acted on – just to distract myself from her. Force myself to avoid any feelings.

 I sound messed up don’t I Tumblr.

 I’m not on anything yet, but I’m finding it hard not to just pack my pipe with some weed and let my mind melt for a bit.

 … I might do it.

 Goodnight Tumblr.

 Well this week has been pretty full on.

Firstly work had me working over-time everyday. Leaving in the morning around 6.30am and not coming home till about 8pm.

I need to change jobs. Not because I don’t enjoy the challenge, in fact I was able to teach myself the systems, and capable of actually surpassing a couple of my colleagues. But more so because of how demanding it is, my work-life balance has become out of whack, and this was a pretty important week that I should have been home for.

My little sister moved into her new house this week. She was ecstatic about the move with her boyfriend, although we did have some dramas on Move day, but I’ll talk about that later.

I’ve been looking further into the new role I’m anxious about applying, and this week will be the week I begin to fix my resume as well as get myself organized in the sense of a normal routine. Meal prep once again – get more creative with some of my meals as well instead of the generic chicken and veggies, more importantly remove most temptations to begin my healthy lifestyle.

Friday after work I decided to catch up with one of my contiki mates – we randomly attended the big bash cricket, and after 10 beers I decided to kick on and meet some of my new Falls Festival crew. We had an alcoholic and MDMA extravaganza, once at Revolver and a pill in, we decided it was time to hit the hay (this being 5am) and I had to be home by 8am for Move Day.

I got home at about 9am and the family were eating their breakfast waiting for me – I soldiered on with little sleep, packed the truck up nicely and slept on the drive to her new place.

Move day was actually okay surprisingly, even though I was on a come down with shit all sleep.

It was dad who ruined the fun. He became his usual self – and decided to dislike the whole idea, as well as their house and made it well known to everyone including my little sisters bofriends parents. After a stern conversation with him, I decided we (dad and i) should leave once we finished unloading the truck.

That really sucked. I mean I was thankful that I got to go home and sleep for 14hours. But I really wanted to celebrate with my little sister on such a great achievement. She knew why I had to leave though, my whole family knew.

These are the obligations I have to endure whilst being the brother. It sucks, but I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin her[their] day.

Sunday was a shit day. Although sleeping from 6pm until 8am was blissful in everyway possible for my body and mind. Today was a sad day.

Sunday Prince would be leaving the house and moving to his new place – with my little sister.

Prince is my German shepherd. He is the gift my family and ex gave to me 6 years ago. He has been through some important moments of my life.  And I still have Tiny-Tim. But I’m so used to the boys, not just the boy. I know my little sister will be a great guardian for him – in fact I’m a horrible fur-daddy. Tonight is the first night I’m home without him – knowing their will be many nights ahead like this.

Another part kind of reminded me that he was the last piece that I was holding onto about my ex. That realization drew me towards alcohol.

Though I decided to be slightly good and grab a bottle of Shiraz.

I know it’s still bad but I’m only on my second glass, and even though it’s going down easily, it’s also making me more sleepy than good old reliable Canadian Club. So that’s a plus.

 Anyways just thinking about my pup is making me feel a bit deflated so I will finish this glass of red, listen to the end of Cloud control and distract myself with a game of FIFA 18.

Tiny is laying on my bed cuddling next to me – he’s sad, but he’s also happy that he gets to sleep on my bed. Perks of being the only boy again.

 Goodnight Tumblr.

 So it’s been a week into the New Year.

2018 started off with a bang!

 I volunteered at Falls Festival. Four nights of camping, 3 days of ‘Green Team’ (garbage handling) four days and nights of copious amounts of elicits, with kindred spirits.

It was a spur of a moment decision for me, as I was destined to just spend my new years with family, but I got the email notification to tell me I’m in, and well the rest is history.

Ocean Alley, SamSaruh, Dave, Allday, Liam Gallaghar, Angus & Julia Stone, Smith Street Band, Glass Animals, Luca Brasi, The Kooks, Jungle, Peking Duk, Slumberjack, Run the Jewels were the few that I remember. Peking Duk stole the stage same with the Kooks. Dave was a huge surprise as well as Ocean Alley.

And then there were the people. Was warmly welcomed into an amazing bunch of people who were all about the music, good times and good vibes. I couldn’t have asked to close off 2017 and start 2018 with a great bunch of characters.

 As previously mentioned 2017 for me was a roller coaster of a year for me, one that I am actually happy to move forward from. Tested me to new limits, limits that made me believe that I failed. But wouldn’t change it as it led me to a great beginning of a new year and I’m going to ride this high and this mentality to its absolute potential.

They characters that I met at Falls were a variety of personalities, but every single one happy with their lives, with their choices, with their direction in life. Something I began to realize I was not. So the goals are definitely being planned – life choices, career choices, relationship choices, hobby choices and health choices.

 I’m a guy who needed that affection from that special someone to feel as if life is a continuous high. But the insight that being happy about myself is what was required firstly before I can bring anyone else into it. I now know I was in a slump last year; it took many stoner sessions and repetitive reminders from mates to understand that I was becoming a depressed hermit. It was affecting my working habits, my social habits even to the point of neglecting any sort of direction or ambitions. And if anyone ever feels that way, or spirals down to that mentality, reach out to your friends, or even to anyone in this community. One thing I’m sure of, is I’m not the only one who has gone through this, and I won’t be the last, but I know anyone and everyone would be there happily to help push you back to your feet.

 Well after Falls I returned back to my home for my nieces first birthday. Not really hung-over, instead on a huge comedown but I made face to see that cute little monster (S) and was able to celebrate with my family her special day. Something I know I have to repair is my relationship with every single individual in my family. I doubt that will happen overnight, but I want to stop isolating them from my world and invite them to embrace this life as much as I want them to invite me into theirs and this stop I will stop rejecting their offers.

Something I was able to do tonight. It was the actual party for S today since everyone was hung-over or away on New Years day, so they (L & G) had a bbq for her inviting their close friends – who I have only met twice. If you put me in the same situation last year, I would have made an appearance and then convinced them that I had to go home. Instead I joined L & G outside and socialized with their friends. They couldn’t believe this was me, they were fascinated with my stories of Falls, with my interests of shows on Netflix and even the banters that ensued throughout the evening. They all requested for me to come to future gatherings.

 I guess I’m slowly becoming the person I used to be before I had been broken. Well not really be that person because I still was immature back then, but I would like to embrace all the positive attributes of who I used to be and include them into the person I will be. Which is Plas.

 So I’m meant to write down some goals that way I can use this to reflect on, whenever my mentality does get tested to remind me of this grand feeling. And I will put a few down now.

 Goals

-       Play a poker tournament

-       Drop down to about 70kg (8.6kg to go)

-       Keep on rebuilding my relationship with my family

-       Pay off my car loan (1 year left – let’s see if I can put in some extra repayments before the year)

-       Leave my current employment

 I know the last goal is pretty big. I’ve been with my organization for 5 years. Internally promoted almost yearly. And have been given ample opportunity to strive in different areas. But through my recent enlightenment it has come to my attention the reason I continuously seek different roles within the organization is because the organization doesn’t hold to my values.

I don’t want to be a mindless cog in the machine, I want to add value into society, I want to be something that my nieces and nephew could aspire to. Although being in my current position is amazing for my family – I no longer have to worry about them – they are all financially safe, and their wellbeing, touchwood, are completely fine. It’s now time to search for a career that I can enjoy and happily share with friends and family. I have an idea – but I’m not prepared to voice it just yet as I’m still deciding other careers, but the feels for this career are getting stronger daily. Maybe next week I’ll share it with you all so I can have something to look back on as motivation.

Well goodnight Tumblr.

Hi.

To you all out there in the Tumblr world, my name is Plas.

 I have created this page, for my own personal reasons. The fundamental purpose is to document my year in 2018 – through words, pictures, phrases or anyway possible.

 Before I continue, a warning to friends and family that have found this page – this will be the most authentic version of myself will ever know. I will tell all my secrets and describe every obscene act I experience throughout the year, and i won’t hold back. If you wish to no longer continue reading this, I truly understand, but be warned if you continue, this is a new light you will see of me, rather than the facade that I portray around you all.

 I guess I should answer my own question really. Why.

Why do this, and why for the year of 2018.

The year itself really is just coincidental, however there will be a few significant events that will happen in 2018 that make it quite exciting to document – my 30th birthday, quite a few of my mates 30th birthdays, marriages, travels, new work environments, moving to different areas and I’m sure a lot more eventful things that I cannot foresee.

I have a few monumental life changing objectives that I want to try and achieve: weight goals, mental goals, work career goals, health goals and relationship goals, to name a few.

 So why through Tumblr, why not just boast your achievements through other social media; Facebook, Insta, Snapchat, Twitter etc. well I’ve never been one to gloat my accomplishments, or seek for appraisal. I’d rather be hidden behind this laptop/computer. And who knows I may eventually post a picture of myself through Tumblr. But it’s a picture. Most people that I speak to won’t know about this – and if you do recognize me or know me, enjoy the real Plas.

 Let me introduce you to brief version of myself.

My heritage is South American, though I’m an Australian, G’day.I’m currently 29 years old.

I have three siblings – all girls.

E is currently 40 years old, she is married to S with two children J & Q. I am a godparent to her second child – Q.

L is 37 years old, she is also married (my father is not aware of this – please ask so that i can be reminded to explain) to G and they have one child - S.

C is my younger sister and she is 25 years old. In 2018 she will be moving into her first house that she just recently bought. So I will definitely be showing you that day.

I have a mother – M, and a father – A, who are both very old fashioned when it comes to anything. We’re a close family and yet I feel like the black sheep at most times.

 I’m fairly short - just less than 5 feet 7, with dark black hair. I describe my frame as stocky/chubby (or as I like to call it stubby). Although two years ago I weighed 104kg and was just short and fat, now I’m stubby weighing at 76kg.

I went through a life-changing event two years ago (a long term relationship ended) and ever since, I have never been quite the same.

I’m now a pretty shy person to some, a loose unit to others, a reckless person to most and an idiot to others. I mostly stay quiet or keep to myself. Then at other times I can’t stand still and need to escape my mind.

I work in the banking industry and already know that I utilize work as a way to avoid my problems. I tend to avoid socializing and have become an introvert when I used to be an extrovert.

So there’s a bit of background about Plas.

I am different in many of my friendship groups – the quiet guy, the party animal, the loser, the idiot, or the annoying insomniac guy. But I feel that if I express my raw emotions through this blog at least someone will know the real Plas.

2017 was a roller-coaster year. And I’m using this blog to find a sense of purpose or to at least set a direction as to the person I want to become. Plus I like writing. I’m no Stephen King, Joe Hill, Jonathan Nasaw or Mark Billings, but I enjoy escaping into the life of a fictional character and I might even share my Short Stories every now and then.

 Well it’s 3:51am and I have to be up in under two hours. So I’m going to get some rest. In the coming week/s I will post some goals and prepare anyone who is reading this what 2018 awaits for Plas.

 Also I apologize (to any grammar nazi’s) about any spelling or grammatical blunders, I don’t really edit when I type freely – only when it’s my shorts do I ever read back and edit.