Maple's Reflection Time

The clouds they peer up at me

I long for a drink

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord, take and heal it

"Hey, don't you remember when I helped you last time? That means you have to do this for me this time."

"If I'm gonna do this for you for free, and out of the kindness of my heart, then I expect you to at least show me your gratitude by treating me out for a meal."

Is giving really giving if it asks/requires of something in return??

...

I guess I'll just never let anyone give me anything again.

\--

  You asked for it, Maple. Here it is.

Me: It's okay, dad. I've saved it. You can erase everything from memory. Move on, forget. I'll carry your burdens for you.

…

I'll never see the world the same again.

\--

Mom: I thought you called yourself a Christian? Why don’t you go ask your “God” if that’s how you should talk to your mom. What do you even go to church for? Go ask your church friends, see what they say to their parents.

…

Very well. You’ll never see my sin again.

\--

This time in particular, this ordeal was very frustrating for me. I still haven’t quite figured out why exactly - there were a few factors at play - but many things bothered and rubbed me the wrong way a lot more than normal.

One of the reasons I’ve been reflecting on a lot is this idea that I hate having my plans messed up. And I had a lot of plans this weekend, including a LIFE group Friendsgiving that we ultimately decided to cancel (because a lot of people in LG were involved with this particular scare). I was really looking forward to trying my hand at a Thanksgiving turkey for the first time this year! lol

It’s kind of an irrational pet peeve, but one that bothers me a lot more than most other things (hm well I guess that is the definition of pet peeve… ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯), and I’m not too sure why. It probably has to do with my immense need for control over my life? Like, if I have no plans, and something comes up, then I’m generally all game for whatever it is. But if I already have plans, and new plans come up which are not excessively preferable to whatever I had already planned, then it bothers me so much to switch over.

And that’s pretty much what happened this weekend: having to put all my previous plans on pause and just stay caved up in my room for 72 hours - or however long it takes to verify (without actually completely verifying) that my presence is not a menace to humanity.

(Can you hear how upset I am??)

-

But anyways, today… was actually a really good day! Every week has been so packed for me for the past few months: work and meetups on the weekdays, then a full day of TC/meetups on Saturday, and by Sunday, after a morning of serving, all I want to do is crash in my bed and sleep and stop living. I woke up today, sleeping in on a Saturday.. and literally didn’t know what to do. I had no plans.

So I went on a run for the first time since before TC summit three months ago.

Side note: man oh man I’m so out of shape LOL.

Back in the summer, I didn’t run much because of injuries, and when I did it was usually on campus (because flat ground of the track was better for my healing body). So it’s hard to believe, but today was legitimately the first time since I moved to this new apartment that I explored the whole neighborhood - I haven’t even really had time to take walks in the area much. Today I discovered there’s a second, bigger lake right next to the one I usually walk around. I’m still recovering from the shock.

It felt very freeing to have nothing to do today, no plans to rush to, nothing to have to show up on time late to. I instead did things like:

Cook a whole chicken in three styles! (But first I had to learn how to cut it into pieces. That was fun.)

Play piano

Code personal projects

(of course he did, it’s Maple we’re talking about here…)

Build the new chair I bought!

And it was a fun, relaxing, productive day :)

I think the most astonishing realization, though, is this:

I enjoyed living today.

Is it bad that this thought is a bit scary/appalling to me? It’s so foreign. But I think it’s supposed to be a good thing. I will take it as a good thing. It is a good thing.

there's so much sin

April was really rough. I had a ton of things to do, and not enough energy to do it. I failed a class. And did the virtual equivalent of begging the professors on my knees, and eventually I somehow convinced them to let me pass the class.

Then May came, and I went on a lot of trips. And spent a lot of time at home just existing by watching C-dramas. Then June, and work. Slowly things have gotten better. There are fewer days that just aren't it; rarer are the mornings that fade into afternoon or evening as I lay in bed.

In fact, from a physical perspective, it even looks like I'm doing quite well! I've been eating consistently (2+ meals a day!) for the past 7 weeks. I started sleeping at a consistent time, and before 11. I started doing devos every day. Everything around me is going as planned.

But yet, it's not. I'm definitely thankful for where I am now compared to three months ago. Praise God for the miracles that He worked in my life: it definitely wasn't me that lifted myself out of this depression, after all. Praise God that I feel less compelled to make death jokes these days - that life, or its lack thereof, is not all I think about. Praise God that I am finally able to spend time alone with my thoughts, without it getting dragged down dark whirlpools of dread. But I still feel really empty. I still feel the constant pull to please, to serve, to empty out myself for the sake of others. I still find it extremely difficult to believe blatant truths about myself the way I believe them about others: simple things like the fact that I am loved, or forgiven, or worthy of God's grace.

-

Truth be told, I don't feel like I am not depressed anymore. Things are much, much better than they were a few months ago. But I can't deny that this past year of struggling - and it was pretty much exactly one year - has left behind many wounds and scars, many of which I am still healing from today.

There are many issues dealing with my parents that I have yet to uncover and dissect. Areas of anger, of unforgiveness, of sadness and brokenness.

There are heart issues that I have no idea how to even approach. Trust issues with God, with other people. Areas of my life that I don't want to even think about...yet which is all I think about.

But in light of all of these problems in my life that are still consistently plaguing me, what has changed is the fact that I can confidently proclaim that God is good. And I believe it. I still struggle to believe the ways that His goodness leaks into and molds my life, but luckily for me, the ways that God works isn't dependent upon my measly (or nonexistent, oops) beliefs in His abilities.

I show up late to everything. Like, to the point where I've noticed that people expect it from me. 'now' means 10 minutes from now to people. 'soon' now connotes 30 minutes minimum. :/

I can literally message someone that I'm on my way to something, and then sit there, immobilized, for another 10 minutes, 20, an hour even, doing nothing, because I don't have the energy or the willpower to get up.

I sometimes agree to do something, show up somewhere, join for something....and then I change my mind. But I'm too afraid of disappointing people so I don't tell them that I don't want to go anymore. Or maybe something was already planned so I can't back out. So instead I show up late - as if that wouldn't disappoint people (but it always does. And probably even more so, at that).

So instead of constantly disappointing people in this way, I instead just choose to keep everything vague. I "might" be available. I "have some work" so "maybe if I finish." "I'm not sure yet, might be busy." yeahahh busy with moping around maybe. It's come to the point where people actually think I'm super busy lmao.

It sucks, but this is the coping mechanism that I've developed. Because if I rsvp, or agree to something, then there's an expectation. The one time I voted for a vball time this semester, I had a rough morning and showed up 2 hours late. Tbh, I didn't even expect people to notice that I was missing...but they actually did: so as a result I just pissed off a bunch of people for being late lol, and got highkey called out for it from a bajillion sides - yeah that's fun.

So instead, I just show up to volleyball unannounced. I show up to random hangouts unannounced. When I do schedule hangouts, they're often scheduled the day of, since I have the highest chance of not needing to (or wanting to) cancel them then.

Instead, I just choose not to talk to people. To not respond. To pretend not to care. Can't disappoint people more if they're already in a constant state of disappointment in me, right?

-

I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this, I hate the way I am. I hate that I can't agree to things and pull my own weight. I hate that I have the audacity to "reschedule" (aka cancel) on people, 3 or 4 or 5 times in a row. I hate that even something as simple as showing up to things has become a chore that is too heavy. I hate that my very existence is a burden which only remains to disappoint others. I hate that I can't even uphold the basic decency of honor and respect to others, just to show up at the time that I agree to show up. Or even to show up at all. I hate that I am still living, for if I were not then I would not have this chance to let people down, again and again, and again and again.

-

Yet among all this darkness, I'm supposed to somehow find the light which is God. ....lol where??

How???

I am loved, they say. I am worthy, they assure me...

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

-

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

-

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

-

Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

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Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

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Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

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Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

It's funny, time seems to move so slowly and so quickly at the same time. Slow because I have very little to look forward to, so each day just trudges by. But when I think back over the past couple of months, I've made so few memories - had so few memorable moments - that it seems like the time just flashed by.

As things got hard, I found the perfect escape: a job that seem to provide endless things to do, an unending rabbit hole of work and things to distract me from myself, a cesspool of people whom I can help and serve without worry of them not accepting it. My professor tells me all the time how lucky he feels to have hired me for this semester and how much of a help I've been. I just smile at him and thank him for his affirmations, but in reality I know that I do all this not because I feel obligated to as part of the job (although I do), or because I enjoy the material and theory of this class (though I most definitely do), or because of any other good reason...but simply because it provides a distraction from my pounding thoughts and a nice outlet which satisfies my self-giving urges.

I don't usually check, but I was curious today. I've got 1100 contributions on piazza this semester already. Have I sent even 110 texts?? Responded to 11 people within a day???

-

This semester, I feel like I've been absolutely ravaged by my thoughts. It's a constant battle not even to fight against them and their negativity and untruthfulness, but even just to run away. It explains some of the interesting things I've been filling my life with this semester. TFT, a game I once vowed never to play, staring hundreds of hours of wasted time in my face as a taunt. Tetris, with who knows how many hours of keyboard mashing, and not a single score in my personal top 25 scores in the past month (do you know how many games I've played???). Audiobooks and podcasts, something I've never paid much interest in before, suddenly filling my spotify and youtube, simply because they're such useful methods of filling my brain with e m p t y n e s s and taking away the need to think about anything.

Gosh, my life is actually so useless right now LOL

-

One of the downsides to all of this is that I no longer have the liberty to simply remove days from my calendar. Last semester, when a day was not working out, I would just stay in bed, do nothing, and just go next. This year, with so many meetings all the time for work and church and whatever else, there are days when I know - I feel - that it's just not it, but I still have to somehow power through everything I need to do that I wasn't able to cancel (and there are a lot of those things). Those days are....not fun. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm even able to uphold the mask on my face, some of those days. Maybe they've been stuck on so tightly that they don't come off anymore. Maybe the masks have become a part of my identity.

-

The past month, I've been in nonstop meetings and doing work every other spare block of time I had. Either that, or I was distracting myself with some game. No, I wasn't procrastinating; I didn't have time for that. It's just that sometimes...I wanted to do work, but it just wasn't gonna happen. And basically every spare evening was spent out, playing cards or something, anything, to distract myself from my thoughts.

I guess that's why when I finally finished all the administrative garbage regarding setting up a midterm, finally finished grading all the exams, finally helped the kid I'm tutoring finish his project and exam, finally finished taking my own two exams, I felt an enormous burden lifted off my chest in that one instant. It was unreal. I had no idea that the tension in my body had been so bad before that moment.

I guess I know what really bad stress feels like now, too. Wow mental health really is quite educational :')

-

I don't know why I meet up with people anymore. I schedule them all in one day - anywhere from 1 to 3 to 5 back to back - and just gamble. I put all my hopes on that day and bank on the fact that I'll get lucky and that it'll be a good day and I'll be able to do all my meetups that day. As I've learned from back in my hearthstone days, more often than not I'm kinda not lucky at all.

I've cancelled a lot of meetups this semester.

Sometimes, I feel really bad about cancelling for the second or third or fourth consecutive time, so I just do the meetup anyways. I don't know why I do that. I just spend the whole time looking at the clock, waiting for enough time to pass for me to lie and say that I have something else scheduled. Because duh, I can't possibly say that 15 minutes into a meetup, people won't believe me - I have to wait at least 50 minutes before saying that I had something planned for an hour after the meetup started.

-

I realize that I need help. I've been trying to seek it. Somewhat. Here and there.

I joined freedom class, in the hopes that what I needed was some freedom. Unfortunately, I don't think that's quite it.

Lol, the very first 10 minutes of the first session of freedom class, they told us that they weren't professionals, and that maybe we needed professional help.

So I actually took that to heart. I went for the first time this past week. Don't really know how to feel about it....but. I'm hopeful. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-

Wow today is actually a pretty decent day for me. It's a shame I don't have any meetups today.

Someone messaged me a couple of hours ago and I didn't get a chance to respond. But then they asked a private question on Piazza addressed only to me, and I saw/answered it in 3 minutes.

Of course, part of that was chance lol - I just happened to hop onto Piazza to complete some of my routine Monday-night duties and saw the question...

But regardless, I think I'm gonna need to start reflecting about this area of brokenness (aka not responding oops) in my life soon..

And yet I just keep on playing. Another game. Misdrop. Another game. Misdrop.

Why??

I've realized that I'm grinding this game, somehow hopelessly hoping that I'll be able to achieve some kind of personal best, break some kind of record, reach a new rank, because I have no other purpose. Sleep may be comforting, but it is purposeless. And to delay sleep is to fool myself into believing that I am delaying the inevitable rise of a new, yet just as purposeless day.

Tetris is the extent of the purpose that I feel. The usefulness I can provide to this world culminates in being some top 20 tetris player in some unknown, forgotten game mode on some weird, obscure site - my one small benchmark in a vast sea of scores for other people to rise above. But hey, that's better than the otherwise emptiness of the world, right? Maybe I can hit top 10 again, then top 5, then top 1.