It hurt to see Missy like this, but he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much worse it was for the girl herself. To know that this was something she had to carry with her every single day of her life made him feel sick. Colin wasn’t sure he could stand it if he was in her position, it was no wonder she’d been in such a sorry state when she’d shown up tonight.
Colin couldn’t even begin to understand what you would categorise Missy’s episode under. He’d never claim to be an expert in mental health, but he liked to think he had at least the most basic, human grasp on shit like anxiety and depression. Most people had firsthand experience with at least one of the two, or at the very least had been exposed to it through loved ones. As a kid, he’d watched with nervous eyes as Lisa had cradled Rachel into her arms, soothing their little sister through night terrors and panic attacks. With time, when Rachel had trusted him enough to join Lisa, he’d smoothed her hair down with his much larger hand, letting both girls fall into his side as he reassured them that he’d be their family now, and that they’d never get left behind ever again.
This was a whole other kettle of fish, though. It felt like far more than the OCD that so many people liked to self-diagnose themselves with, bigger and with far more drastic consequences. Colin couldn’t put a name to it if he tried, but what he could do was sit and listen to Missy as she tried to explain.
“That’s okay, Miss,” he whispered, gentle and reassuring. “Just tell me where to put my hands, I’ve got you, baby.”
He didn’t want to do anything that might break the spell or trigger another episode, so he held tight to the position that she’d landed them both in. His fingers pressed into her skin where she’d permitted, his thighs bracing her against his lap. Tentatively, he dipped his head low to press a kiss to her temple, and then another just to the sharp line of her jaw. It was a dangerous game to play, knowing he might make the wrong move and upset her further, but Missy had always been receptive to his kisses. Even now, as she told him sex helped, he hoped that something a little more suggestive might just be enough to help her relax.
“How about first we try and see what else helps? It can’t always be sex, honey,” Colin whispered. He nipped gently at her earlobe, his teeth grazing her skin before he trailed chaste kisses along the side of her neck.
He wasn’t trying to be self-righteous or to shut her down entirely. If sex was what would help, then he’d happily oblige. But Colin was an athlete, and a large portion of his career was spent outside of New York and away from Missy when she needed a release. It terrified him to think that she’d been looking for comfort in the beds of strange men that would take full advantage of her vulnerable state. Colin was no stranger to one night stands and casual sex, and he’d never shame Missy for seeking it out either, but he knew how vicious and cruel men could be. If Colin wasn’t around, he could only pray that she had other ways of coping that didn’t cause her any harm.
“And after we figure out what feels right,” he murmured, his lips now pressed into the dip of her collarbone. “I’ll go down on you, okay? I promise, no puppy dog eyes.”
“There,” Missy said quietly, when Colin had his hands pressed against her in a position that didn’t make her want to unzip her own skin and step out of it like a cartoon character. “There is good.”
She did believe that Colin had her. That for the first time in her life, she could freak out over the same insane thoughts her brain plagued her with and somehow manage to ask for help from someone who didn’t question her. She had no doubt that Colin was probably wondering what the hell was going on with her, but he wasn’t pressing her for answers that went beyond what he could do to make her feel okay. Not for the first time, Missy had to marvel at how the rest of the world seemed to be missing out on how sweet Colin Nash actually was.
She sighed softly when she felt Colin’s lips against her temple, trailing down to her jaw. She’d been sleeping with Colin for years now, the arrangement perfect for both of them seeing as they knew better than to get attached in any way that stretched beyond platonic. She knew him and he knew her, which was why she recognised that there was no heat in these particular kisses. They were comforting, but not intentional enough to reassure her she was going to get the weirdness fucked out of her.
Trust Colin to have a moral compass in the middle of her nervous breakdown.
She knew he was right, but she didn’t have to be happy about it. Thankfully, he handed her an olive branch, and she giggled, smothering the sound in his shoulder.
“Just hold me like this a little longer?” she asked him, taking stock of everything she felt right now.
For the first time all day, her mind was blissfully, peacefully quiet. She could feel her blouse gently ghosting her skin, her lanyard around her neck, but it didn’t possess her with the need to suddenly rip everything off. Her head was no longer buzzing static. It felt clear for the first time in hours, since before she’d even woken up that morning. Tiredly, Missy slumped further against Colin.
“I think this is good,” she said, honestly. “Just… talking about it helped a little. And you… touching me. Not like that, don’t worry, I’m not being a horndog even if I do want you to go down on me. I just mean…”
She glanced up at him and pressed a delicate kiss against his lips.
“Thank you.”
