mr. hot dog man

                               shoichi had been worried about ema ever since he saw how the reacted to blood shepherd--her brother apparently--dying. while he had his own thoughts on blood shepherd (none of them positive), he felt sympathy for her. he of all people knew what it was like to lose a brother, even if not to the same extent. he knew her pain and knew how much it hurt. 

                                 when he saw ema approaching, he felt a bit of relief. he hadn’t seen nor heard from her in a couple of days. he was happy to see her again, though he could tell she was troubled. not that that was surprising by any means. still, he felt his heart ache. he had to do something. he had to help.

                                 he placed one of the hotdogs in a roll before putting it into a bag and began closing up as quickly as he could. ema was more important right now, selling hotdogs could wait. when he finished, he stepped out of the truck and walked over to the table ema was at. he sat across from her and said, “one cafe nagi hotdog, on the house.” he slid the bag to her, a small smile on his lips. 

                                  then, he fished a few 100 yen coins out of his pocket and placed them on the table. “and a little something extra if you tell me what’s on your mind.” she said the same words to him once when he needed it, when he needed someone to talk to. it was his turn to repay the favor. “what do you say?”

                                of course, she expects that sort of reaction. shoichi is cautious, he never reveals too much about himself. he’s the same as her. he’s the same, but he’s different. he’s safe. he’s kind. he’s warm. above all, he thinks with his heart and he thinks about others. that is nothing like ema, who looks out for herself because she knows that no one else will. two secretive cynics, one cold and the other warm – ema can’t think of how that would work out well. but, for once in her life, she’s thinking with her heart and she’s thinking about more than just surviving. 

                                              when she least expects it, he takes her hand in his. no one has taken her off guard as many times as shoichi has – and she’s pretty sure he doesn’t even mean to. how can she not be interested in someone like that? she thinks about all the other people ( the tiny, tiny circle ) in her life, and begins to realize that fully devoting herself to soltech and leaving shoichi behind would be one of the worst decisions she’s made in her life. of course, if shoichi wants to cut this off while they’re ahead, ema can’t blame him. but … being able to see shoichi after a long day gives her more than just the momentary happiness that money and treasures, no, that being an observer gives her. she finds it interesting to watch people, but for once, she’s actually living. 

                                              “ shoichi … ” in an unusual act of inelegance, all she can think to say is his name. the proximity between them closing as he leaned his forehead against hers, their hands touching– they had done this before, but not while speaking so solemnly. it made her eyes sting and her throat close tightly in a way it hadn’t in a long time. i think i’m in love with you. she hasn’t realized it, but she’s starting to quiver. she bites her lip, taking in every word he says and trying not to react. she has become so invested in a man she knows nothing about and this time, she doesn’t even feel the need to know more. she just wants him to tell her on his own time. she wants a normal relationship, no matter how unrealistic it is. 

                                             “ i … ” ema is the master of saying many things without really saying anything at all, or saying everything in just a few words, but this time, she really couldn’t say a thing. his feelings echoed hers perfectly. she wants to be with him, wants to be more than just someone he makes out with, but it’s dangerous. it’s scary. one wrong move and all this could go away. or even worse, he could get hurt. but she feels so safe in his arms. even if he’s telling her that this is a bad idea. she has to say something. but if she does, she might never be able to hold him again. to hear his voice again. ema never realized just how much shoichi meant to him until this moment. she’s never had such a strong emotional connection to someone, and it’s tearing her apart. it’s tearing her apart so badly that she doesn’t even notice the tears staining her cheeks.

          shoichi felt like his heart was being torn apart. he hated seeing ema cry, and he felt responsible. this was his doing. he hadn't expected her to get so emotional, he had never seen ema like this. all he wanted to do was make her smile again. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry..." he was unsure of what to do, what to say. what would alleviate this? some part of him wanted to kiss her and just pretend none of this happened, but he knew that was a terrible idea. 

          "letting someone in...it's really scary. i've never been like this with anyone. i've...never fallen for someone before. i was never interested in stuff like that. i had more important things on my mind. my brother, my friends, and...i didn't even consider being with anyone." he lets go of her hand only to take both of his to hold ema's face, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. 

           "but then you showed up. you came into my life and turned my world upside down. you kept showing up and soon, i found myself thinking about you and when you’d show up again. and after our first kiss, it only got worse. then this--" he gestures between the two of them, "this happened. i started dreaming about you, i couldn't get you out of my head. whenever you left, i wanted to ask you to stay. i wanted more, but i was too afraid to ask. i didn't want to get too close to you or too attached, but in the end, i did just that." he laughs dryly. 

                                  in context, that certainly couldn’t be a love confession, but ema found her face heating up and her heart rate quickening regardless. she tried to calm her nerves as much as she could as he continued to explain. she was just his first kiss, that was it. it wasn’t anything deeper than that. this thing they had started, they had never meant for it to be serious. they hadn’t meant for it to be anything. it just happened. no matter what people may think of her based on her appearance, ema had never been in this situation before. she had been kissed before, had kissed before, but never something this serious. if it could be considered serious. 

                                                 “ i’ve never been an open book. ” in a way, veiled statements like these were her way of letting him in. just the slightest bit – never too much. hardly a peek, really. but it was in both of their best interests for her to reveal nothing about herself at all. ghost girl – even if she’d never tell shoichi that name, it was who she was through and through. she had never gotten so involved with a person before, so it was easy to be a ghost – but now that this was happening, she was starting to resent her choices. the life she chose … she had to choose it. but making silly choices like these because she was in a better place and because she was bored ( no, ema knew very well it wasn’t boredom that continually lured her to café nagi ) … was it something worth resenting? the thought of viewing whatever this was as something bad, something to regret … she didn’t like that, not at all. 

                                                 “ i do– no, that’s not it. i- i want more. ” ema had never bared her soul like this to anyone, if this could even be considered that. this was dangerous, so dangerous. being in a serious relationship meant being open and that meant shoichi finding out things about her that he shouldn’t. she bit her lip, clenching her hand in his shirt just the slightest. in the back of her mind she wished she could just be normal, but it was far too late for that – she made her choice long ago. ema lowered her voice to a whisper, in the hopes that he wouldn’t hear her – or maybe, hoping that he would listen. “ … no one has ever treated me like you treat me. ”

            i want more. he was taken off guard by her statement, along with how vulnerable she looked. words escaped him all at once and he just stared at her wide-eyed. “huh?” he sounded dumbfounded, and probably looked just the same. he honesty couldn’t believe what he was hearing. he wouldn’t have expected her to try and get more out of their relationship. she seemed content with how things were (though he supposed appearances weren’t everything, especially when it came to ema).

            “i...” how should he reply? how was he supposed to reply? he had no idea. emotions swirled in his chest, fighting each other. he was happy to hear she wanted more as well, but he felt fear at the idea of letting her in. he gently pulls her hand away, holding it with his own. “i...i don’t know.” he knows this isn’t what she wants to hear, but he wants to be honest with her. “it’s not that i don’t want more...i do, i think, but...a serious relationship is a lot. it’s hard to tell if i’m ready for something like that.” 

                               when he pulled away from her with that look in his eyes, she knew what was coming. it was in every tv drama – the moment of questioning, perhaps even regret. at least he didn’t let go of her. she wouldn’t say it out loud, but feeling his arm around her made her feel safer than she’d ever felt before. as someone who fought tooth and nail to achieve what she had all by herself, feeling someone hold onto her – someone she might even be able to trust – was something better than any treasure she could find in link vrains. that was, if the man behind the mask he wore was someone worth trusting. her track record with trustworthy people wasn’t very good.

                                             ema kept an arm over his shoulder, keeping him close. she wanted to kiss him again, but it would only insult him if she did it while he was trying to talk about something serious. she was afraid of this conversation. they could only hold it off for so long, though. sure, ema made time for him in between akira’s jobs, but it was only a matter of time before her personal affairs interfered with her job, or he found out about her, or, even worse, she ended up getting him involved in something dangerous. logic told her these things, and she always trusted her head, but her heart was aching for a man she wasn’t even in a relationship with. 

                                              “ is it? ” gently, her fingers traced their way down to shoichi’s chest, placing her palm just below his collarbone. “ i don’t know … could it be that i’m the other woman, shoichi? ” ema may have said it jokingly, but it was a serious question. although shoichi said ema was his first kiss, she couldn’t know for certain that he wasn’t lying. they really knew nothing about each other. in fact, being involved in an affair was, unfortunately, the least of her worries. who’s to say that shoichi wasn’t a dangerous person? or that being involved with him would put him in more danger than she thought?

          the question took him off guard. he had stated once that he never kissed anyone before ema. though when he thought about it, there was no reason for her to believe that. considering how they both were, who knew what true and what was a lie. still, he would be honest this time, even if she was joking. "there’s no one else, ema. you...you’re the only one.” the words felt strange on his tongue, almost romantic without meaning to be. “i...really was telling the truth about never having a first kiss. before...i kissed you that time.” he could feel his cheeks heating up and he had to look away from her for a moment. 

         “i do like this...whatever it is between us. it’s just...weird to think about sometimes.” he supposed no strings attached relationships existed, but he never expected to find himself in one. a mostly physical relationship. it was strange to think he was in one. “you know, you’re hard to read.” he’s thought this for awhile, but is only now voicing it. “i can never tell what you’re thinking.” it’s not a critique, just a general observation. shoichi, more often than not, had a hard time hiding his true feelings. nearly everything showed on his face, if not in his body language. 

          when had they started doing this? it seemed to become an unspoken routine. ema would visit the truck for food, they would talk, and end up kissing. luckily, yusaku and takeru hadn’t come by while she was around. he would be so embarrassed if he were caught like this. he knew ai would never let him hear the end of it. he hoped he could keep up this luck. 

          he pulled away from the kiss, eyebrows furrowing. it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy this, because he did, but a question weighed on his mind. “what do you think of this?” shoichi gestured a hand in the space between them, his free one resting on her waist. their relationship (if you could call it that) wasn’t conventional. perhaps friends with benefits would be a fitting description for it, but it was hard to say if they were even friends. it wasn’t that he disliked ema--no not at all--but he barely knew anything about her. and the vise versa was true as well. they were both secretive, only telling each other trivial things (aside from the time ema paid him to talk about his problems). 

          “we barely know anything about each other.” he was just stating the obvious. apart of him wanted to know more about ema, but he didn’t want to get too close. he didn’t know who she was, what she did, or anything like that. the logical part of him reminded him that he had to be on guard. he couldn’t let things slip. playmaker was a wanted man after all, and soulburner certainly was at this point too. he had to protect them. however, he didn’t want to cut this off. he had such contradicting feelings. “is it bad to keep doing this?”

                              “ strange? weird? ” ema had never been like ‘ normal ’ people ( whatever that meant ), but that didn’t detract from the incredulity of his words. had this been anyone else, she would have just walked away. but she was getting a meal out of this. and his words weren’t meant to offend her; they were spoken out of disbelief that someone could care about him. at least, that was what she got from his tone. plus, since when did anyone pay someone to talk about themselves? “ … i guess reverse therapy is still unheard of. ” 

                                           she shrugged it off, following him to the table. this certainly wasn’t a normal day for her, especially when all she had to do was ask akira and she could live in the lap of luxury, but strangely enough, she found herself enjoying this. even though all she was doing was prying a sob story out of a lonely man. maybe that spoke volumes of her own loneliness. 

                                           ema took a seat and started her hot dog. despite not being hungry beforehand, the smell gave her more of an appetite. just like before, this man made a good hot dog. “ i’d love to hear about your depressing life if it gives me an excuse to have your cooking, ” she joked. it seemed insensitive, but at the same time, he seemed to enjoy dark humor. at least at his own expense. it was something they had in common, then. she considered saying something about she cared about him or she was worried, but frankly it wasn’t true and she didn’t know him well enough to say those sorts of things. she was concerned, but in the way a passerby would be concerned seeing the aftereffects of a car accident on the side of the road. she wasn’t kind enough to feel so strongly about someone she didn’t know. … but she still stayed, and she was still paying him. which she still couldn’t wrap her mind around herself. 

                                           “ so … it’s about your brother and your friend, right? what happened to them? ”

          most people would be offended by what she said, but kusanagi just laughed. "i see what your true intentions were." he poked fun back at her. it was relatively easy to talk to her. but even still, he wouldn't divulge too much of anything. no, he couldn't. he couldn't risk people figuring out about yusaku. he had to hide jin's past too. he couldn't risk either of them being found out as lost incident victims. he would just keep things as vague as he could. 

          his expression steeled before he continued talking, "my friend found out information about his past and...he didn't take it too well. it was...about where he came from." he wasn't lying. yusaku was struggling with his identity of whether or not he was the real yusaku or a backup of him. "it's eating him up inside and he just...shuts down. i hate seeing him like this. i've been raising the kid since he was...well, a kid. a younger kid." he avoided stating ages.

                            he seemed so disappointed when all she asked for was a coffee. maybe business hadn’t been going so well lately. she did have extra cash, and it wasn’t like a hot dog was going to break the bank … “ you know what? sure. i’ll have a hot dog, too. ” why was she so soft towards this man? maybe aoi was influencing her too much. ugh, her current job was worth more than triple the payment if it was making her so unnecessarily giving. sure, ema was kind enough, but when push came to shove, she never gave out handouts and she always put her own livelihood first. she didn’t even make an exception for playmaker, who was a child. why would she make exceptions for a self-sufficient adult? 

                                         though, as she listened to his story, she felt bad for being so begrudging in her kindness. it seemed he needed it. ema was perceptive by nature, perhaps it was that face of his that made her inclined to help him out. 

                                         “ i’m sorry. life can play awful cards to people who don’t deserve them. ” she gave him a sympathetic smile. she wasn’t good at this sort of thing – she could be charming, sure, but getting into the nitty-gritty and sharing real feelings? not her strong suit. she was the last person who should be comforting this man, yet she couldn’t bring herself to walk away. “ hey, why don’t you finish my hot dog and then we can sit outside together and talk. remember that my offer’s on the table regardless – ” to akira, she would say: double my pay for putting in the overtime, but this man wasn’t akira. he was at the bottom when he deserved to be at the top, though it seemed like he had no intention of crawling his way up – at least, not in the way ema would have ( and did ). “ – buuut, it might help you clear your head. how about it, hm? ”

          “you’re one strange lady, being so interested in a stranger.” shoichi wasn’t used to it. he did have customers every now and again ask how he was doing, but he always brushed them off with a simple ‘i’m fine’ and they never pressed further. this women, however, was taking that extra step. normally, he would refuse, but her offer was too good. he needed the money. he would just have to be careful about how much he said. he wasn’t sure who this women was. he had to be cautious. 

          “i guess i’ll take you up on that.” still, shoichi wasn’t completely sure how he felt about this. he wasn’t particularly close to anyone, save for jin and yusaku (and now takeru by extension). he practically spent every day in his truck, so he never really made friends. ever since the incident, his life drastically changed. he was preoccupied with other things, such as providing for three people, including himself. he also had to help yusaku and takeru save jin. shoichi didn’t have time to relax. friendships and other relationships were the last thing on his mind.