sneak preview

i forgot one of my friends was a producer for TLTS. ooops

i used to think MDNI meant men do not interact and did not question it, nor did i understand the discourse around it. and by used to i mean like, only finding out it did not mean that within the past few months

closing my eyes about to fall asleep for the night before jolting up in bed practically shouting DOPAMINE DYKE < new moniker

just mapped out a solo trip cross country from MD to CA including how many hours a day to drive and which hotels i'd stay out despite 1) not having a car 2) or a license 3) i haven't driven in at least 3 years because of 4) debilitating driving anxiety but this trip would be in hopes of 5) moving to LA finally but 6) i don't have any leads on apartments nor how i'd move my stuff, because i am not moving right now, because i cannot drive, because i do not have a car or license. but i have my hotels picked out. #HowItIs

shedding tears at SpongeBob's eternal kindness

the good news is that i think i had some sort of breakthrough with like. i love my friends and i want to be friends with the world which is my fatal flaw because im so good at capitulating to people who dont deserve it (nobody here). i want to be friends with everyone. but i personally think i’m not a very good friend. I DONT SAY THIS TO COMPLAIN OR WHINE FOR SYMPATHY i just struggle with reaching out and i struggle with responding, and ive been working through that a bit… in that i feel like i’m an inherent burden on people because i don’t respond immediately and that makes it worse etc. can’t articulate better rn. but ive slowly realized that no, people just want to message me because they care about me. which is nice. and ive known that but dont know if ive felt it until today. in that i’m having the realization that people talking to me and wishing me well just genuinely want to wish me well and aren’t trying to use me for clout or want to brag about having me as their friend. i don’t think anyone here would do this for a second but moreso i’m so used to having been treated poorly by others or flaunted for clout points or there always being some “condition” that i think it partially relates to my inability to talk to people to an ideal degree, and so it’s genuinely kind of radical to think about people just. actually liking me for me and being curious and genuine when talking to me rather than trying to “milk” me for reactions or clout or whatever. sadly i don’t have the sanity or energy to embrace this right now because i just do not have the energy or clarity or sanity to be communicating with others right now but i think that was a good breakthrough to have. at least compared to all the crying and catastrophizing and triggering myself for no reason that i’ve spent so much of today doing otherwise

finding out the guy who i had to write a callout post for being immensely creepy to me with my case being a drop in the bucket of his other behaviors is back on the internet and on Bluesky and posting shit like "hey internet i found a reason for you to hate me teehee!" [posts video game he owns] yeah the internet hates you because you're playing a Mario Game and not because you preyed on multiple women and called me the Utena to your Anthy and the Madoka to your Homura and asking me where i live and getting depressed when i don't talk to you anymore while also being almost a decade older than me. WHATEVER!