The Summertime And Butterflies

Parker might just be the death of me

I hung out with shay today as it was Shay day and it was so much fun. We basically went to hobby lobby to get stuff for our prom masks. We wondered around there for a while being stupid. Then we went to Jason deli after much deliberation for like two hours just talking and laughing and eating. After though my parents pranked us by leaving a note saying they hit the car and that they wrote the letter so others thought they left insurance info. Let me just say it shared the shit out of me but in Heinz sight it was hilarious.

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog and think I’m going to start again. Maybe track some of my fitness stuff this time around!

God thank you for blessing me with the amazing team. I might not get on well with them always but this is just what I needed. A positive loving atmosphere. There no judgement everyone is nice to everyone else I just love it. I free styled for the first time to night with out a panic attack or freaking out. I was nervous sure but I had a lot of fun.

I just felt like curling up into a ball and cry myself asleep I remembered there is a reason behind everything. I need to keep reminding myself that God has a plan and will be here to help through. He will provide me with strength as long as I have the strength to ask. This always makes me feel better so why do I forget about it so much? There are silver linings here. In the end I will be a very strong individual and will be able to use all of my experiences to help others. This is hard through. Reality is hitting me and everything reminds me that my mom is dying. Slowly. It make be anywhere from 2-20 years from now but the proteins are eating her brain. It will be the most difficult thing I will ever have to deal with. I will lose my cheerleader, my best friend, my therapist, my adviser, my mom. And I'm not ready for that nor will I ever be. It effecting me so much. I don't feel like I use to. I feel myself avoiding a lot. I don't look as much any more. I find myself ignoring people more because I don't want to be reminded of the inevitable. I feel so bad for treating my friends like this. They can be talking and I won't even look up from my phone or sketchbook. I do it to my siblings to, who have to deal with the same thing but not yet. That's not how I should be treating my support system.

the day goes dark the truth comes out the clock is ticking down to when we dont know to what we do the end of days is near but how near? emotions run high the stars glow bright we peer at the silver lining we hope for the best but expect the worst reality crushes everyone underneath

The last few days have been really hard. It's been non stop and I'm emotionally drained and feel like shit. I feel like I'm having to force everything but small things have made me feel better. Like Leslie texting me back and calling me love. It's silly cause she calls everyone love but it made me feel better.

I've hung out with my friends every day this week, which I love! But I need some recharge time and they'll be back here tomorrow

I'm slipping again. I feel like soon enough I will be back to where I was. My anxiety is in my chest again and want to not leave my bed is increasing. I'm not that excited about my friendmas anymore because I have to take charge make decisions and hope everyone's ok with them. I'm avoiding social interaction again. My obsession with one direction is dying again. They are amazing people and their music is perfection but it's just not any fun anymore. I wish I knew why. When I go a long time without social interaction it makes me retract even more. It's a vicious cycle that I want to be rid of. And if I start to feel better in somehow reminded of what my mom is going through. The things she going to miss out on that she wants to do. She didn't go to Christmas at grandmas and idk if she wanted to or not but it was Christmas. I've also started noticing that she getting more and more snappy, which is understandable but i don't want that process to start.

I'm suddenly super excited for Christmas. I hadn't felt like it was Christmas yet until I laid in my bed listening to Christmas music with linden.

Do you ever find that a song throws you back into another time? I'm listening to one directions moments from way back when and I getting the same feelings I used to get when I used to listen to it. I remember laying on the weird swing thing in the back yard listening to it and letting the world just surround me. This idea that I'm so small and insignificant yet I have an impact in everyone around me life.

Ok but on a different note getting lost with shay and Kat is something I hope I never forget. It has stressful but also so much fun. The image of taking a wrong turn and there beginning absolutely nothing but grass and open fields. The memory makes me giggle with happiness and smile to my phone in a dark room.

This is really hard. This is by something I can just push away. I have to actually face it and deal with the emotions that come with it. Which is really hard because I've never been through anything like this. I've been really lucky. However, I know that God has a plan. I may not know what it is but he has one and there's a reason behind it. We just have to push through, accept the challenges put in front of us, and stay positive and love everyone. I have to remain hopeful, pray for strength, and trust God.

Is this what feeling lonely feels like? It's something I've never encountered til now. I feel oddly empty and down. I think it's because of the stuff going on with my mom. I feel like I've already distances myself from her as a self defense, which is not something I want to do. However I can't properly talk to her about this stuff because I don't want to upset her. And I don't want to burden shay(which is weird being on the other side of this. I always tell her to just talk to me, she doesn't bother me when she tells me stuff and rants but now I don't want to do it to her.) I feel lonely, just as shay has described it before, knowing you have people but still feeling empty. I keep telling myself it's because I don't have a boyfriend, which is not healthy. I do feel something is missing though.

Has your heart ever sat heavy in your heart even after the best day? Have you ever wanted to eat to push away the feeling? Have you ever fantasized a completely different life even though you have it decent?