drew

eli and i hopped into the white 2022 mustang that he coerced me into purchasing a month or two ago, and as per usual it was his turn first to choose the music.

"siri, play santeria by sublime" he said as soon as i turned on the car to its familiar chime. his little voice doesn't always trigger siri so i gave him the assist and the reminder to siri to play his song.

as we do with sublime, i asked him who was singing. was it bradley or his son jakob?

"bradley!" he shouted. then i asked him if he remembered what we've been talking about over the past few weeks.

"jakob's daddy's body got sick and he died, but jakob keeps singing his songs."

i nodded in the rear view mirror and said "yep, but we can still hear his daddy's voice." which got me a quick "I CAN STILL HEAR HIM TOO, DADDY!"

we were on the way to the cemetary to visit my dad's grave.

just recently, on father's day, eli finally asked the question i was both prepared for and dreaded with a dread that i've never felt.....

"when can i meet paw paw?"

that's what we call my dad for no particular reason. he died over 10 years ago, which might as well be 30 years or 15 minutes. the pain is sometimes unbearable and relentless. i've been teaching him about the history of sublime as a way to help him understand that sometimes people die. even daddys. i was ready. very ready. while also not being anywhere close.

"well, bud. paw paw's body got very very sick and old and he died. we can't see him but we can still feel him in our hearts." is what i mustered.

"can we hear him, daddy?" the i-guess-almost-4-year-old quipped.

what a question.

"sure, dude."

i have all of two voicemails from my father. i told eli we'd listen to one someday.

so today i pulled into the place i hadn't been in years. there was no real reason for me to go, anyways. i was still trying to figure out how to explain the cemetary to him and i wasn't going to say that my dad was actually *there*.

"hey eli. do you want to go to a special place to remember paw paw?" i said solemnly.

"SHOOWAHR!!!!" he said in our super special way.

i knew where the stone was. i could find it in my sleep. or nightmares, as it were.

i pointed it out and eli recognized our last name. he started spelling it out: "O-L-A-N" and stopped. i sat down on the ground and called him over. i told him that this was a very special place to remember my daddy. it's a jewish cemetary so eli naturally desecrated a few headstones by removing the rocks people had left behind on them. and i asked him if he wanted to hear paw paw and he sat on my lap and said yes.

i played it.

"Hey it's me. I was in the bathroom when you called. call me back. I love you, talk to you later."

i sobbed. ugly, ugly sobbed. i really wanted to stay strong for eli because he has no idea what was going on at all.

he turned around, put his hand on my bald head and said...."it's ok daddy, don't worry. i'll keep you safe."

i cried uglier than i ever have in my life and hugged him until it probably hurt both of us.

i went into my pocket for the little 64 1/2 red mustang toy that eli and i both have copies of in remembrance of the 64 1/2 red mustang that barry drove me around in when i was a kid. i told him to put it in a place that he felt was special, so he put it on top of the curved headstone and it appropriately drove itself off of the cliff. some other stuff happened but i don't really remember much.

we got back into the car, and i cried again before i started our mustang up. it was music time again. my turn. and then eli said it again...."don't worry, daddy." and then i heard my father's voice as clear as day follow it up with "be happy."

i can still hear him.

i can still hear my daddy.

it was one of barry's favorite songs of course, so i put it on and eli enjoyed it as much as he could while asking over and over again when we were going to get pizza.

it was his turn so he said with his little voice while harnessed into the back seat nice and tight: "siri, play what i got by sublime"

it came on instantly. because of course.

life is too short, so love the one you got.