It's all in your head ~

Sometime last year I got asked a really good question that I've yet to respond to...

"How do you keep your head so high?" I asked for her email because I knew this answer would be a long one. I never got around to putting thought into my answer. She reminded me the other day and said things like : "You're a huge inspiration to me. And I neeeed to know the secret lol. Seems like you got a lot going on but you always have your head up"

Well first off I want to say thank you for the kind words and curiosity. This kinda stuff is what inspires me. Secondly, I want you to know there's no secret. And whether or not it seems like my head is held high all the time, all this Facebook stuff is just what I choose to share with everyone. I've had a lot of days where my head is so low I don't want to get out of bed or do anything at all. Just like everyone else. It takes everything I have to believe in myself and honestly a lot of the times it makes me feel crazy. Like I see something/ want something that no one else really believes in. But in order to make people believe, I just have to keep going. At this point there is no possible way to stop the drive and passion I have to succeed. It's like building a train that builds its own track along the way and doesn't stop building until it gets all the way around the world. There is no more option off dropping my head - It's stuck up. Lol how ironic does that sound? In context - I am calling myself stuck up. But those are just words - I really want you to understand that. My opinion of myself has NOTHING to do with how I see the whole rest of the world and everyone else in it. I have lower self esteem then the majority of the people I know. I do feel beautiful in my images but what you have to understand is - that's just an image. It's almost like a roll play - they are meant to look a certain way.

I've fallen in love and lost my mind - more than once.

I've wanted the things I cannot have my whole entire life. 

I look in the mirror and feel disappointed at least once a day. 

Log out of Facebook and Twitter for 10 days. It's 11:53 on Thursday 1.12.2012 ~ First morning without logging in... Ugh its such a habit I don't even barely realize I'm doing it. It's 9am and this is like the fifth urg I've had to fucking check it... Ugh

Woke up this morning to a text that literally made my day: "You gotta be as enthusiastic as I am, I miss seein your beautiful self" 9:01

I want to log in so bad. 10:38 11:07- MaryJane respect: When you are in the passenger seat and you have the bowl, grinder, and weed all in your lap. The weed belongs to the driver. Waiting for the word to get it out, then also waiting for the word to pack it. Then handing it to the driver to hit first. Respect :)

8:27pm day 1 Damn this sucks hahaha I feel like a true addict its retarded. I almost typed Facebook.com on my phone earlier without even realizing I was doing it! Kinda pathetic that I have to do this but I really have no other choice if I wanna get over the boy situation. How pathetic the relationship that means the most to me to hold onto has dwindled down to Facebook and Twitter.... What a fucking ass hole. I sit around spending so much time thinking what I could've done different or how I could make things better and its just not healthy. He doesn't deserve me to care that much nor does he want me too. I'm not wrong for being sensitive and I'm not wrong for not being how I am about the situation. He's just not right for me right now. I'm right for me. And I can't handle him in my life without hearing I'm sorry first.

3:18pm I wanna log in soooo bad :'(

5:51pm Bust it, Bust it ~ Bust it like you can’t afford a car You a star, you look in the mirror, you know who you are, right? Cool, take it low, take it way lower than that I fly private when I go, ain’t no layover on that Yeah I made it to the top, took a seat, still seated mane I’m in a stadium in DC still tippin mane She couldn’t pay tuition 5 times, still strippin I just throw a couple bills and she’ll have a pair of heels Oh no, there I go, magic trickin on your ass Throwing every president except for Nixon on your ass Make you rich, I feel like I should make commission on your ass Wonder what you’d ever do if I went missing on your ass.. This made.me think of Monica! nd I'm so saddd because I miss her and that song she jaaams to and I love it <3 and she's not answering my texts and I'm banned from fbook and Twitter :'( ugh so annoying that this is haaapppening haha but I'm literally like going through rehab.

I'm actually enjoying this so far :} It's giving me a chance to write more than before and actually focus on the things I need to get done. While also blogging more than usual, which is what I like best anyways. 

I don't even have a place to rest my head, I cant remember the feeling of my own bed. I don't know what's more wrecked my mind or my stuff, I try to believe I'm a diamond in all this rough. Literally boxes turn upside down and shaken. All my emotions have been taken. I fell in love and followed my heart, But that games over and I have to restart. Reboot the system, starting over from scratch. I was always a girl who wanted to attach. Now I'm different, once again there's a new me.

You take their mistakes, and just keep track.

You do not hold onto the traits they prove to lack.

People cannot be perfect, the flaws are inevitable.

Although they do practice life attempting the incredible.

It is wrong to hold a grudge for the mistakes,

It is wrong to hyper focus on how your heart aches.

You must be strong, and treat others how you want to be treated.

While creating a mindset that can never be defeated.

Be the change you wish to see in the world,

Learn from others mistakes, not matter how many lies have been twirled.

You must find your own truth, and lead in a way that others will follow.

Just behave how you hope others would & be the star of the show.

What I learn from everyone elses faults is that I want to live life to the fullest,

Always trying to keep a smile on my  face.

A good attitude, a possitive mindset, and the motivation to win the race.

Life is all choices, and I choose to be okay.

No matter who walks in and out of my life from day to day.

I only see the mistakes they make as an obstacle I need to climb.

So I step right over with strength, and continue to make my rhymes.

Cause my passion is what essentially helps me to be okay,

I express my pain rather than supress my pain, and it shortly goes away.

Things cant bottle up if you release them out of the box.

But you must be brave enough to put the key into your most delicate locks.

You must have the courage to verbalize all your pain,

You must try to be true to yourself while there's so many other things to be maintained.

I cannot ridicule those who dont find it as easy as me,

We all develop at our own pace, and at times we're all a little crazy.

I'm not sure if I'll ever have anyone else figured out,

But I can at least say I know myself without a doubt.

I always expressed myself and allowed myself to feel pain.

And after I felt it, it didnt stir inside of me, the sun cleared up the rain.

It's amazing how much your mind can develop,

if only you plant the right seeds.

And garden them with the most delicate passion,

while directing your own path no matter who attempts to lead.