♪ im ready to love ♪

Cold air attacks me the second I open the front door, “Oh my god,” I quickly wrap my arms around myself, the thin fabric of my pajamas doing very little to shield me. Despite the winter air biting at my exposed skin, just the sight of him makes my face heat up and my chest burn. “Come in.”

He steps in quietly, seriousness glued to his face.

I hate when we are tense- awkward. Throughout our friendship we have had numerous disputes- small things like riding shotgun, losing at Mario Kart, and one of us showing up late- but nothing like this.

I thought he’d reach out sooner. That he’d text me the next morning with some grand explanation or maybe that I’d get an apology. All I know is that he is in the wrong and I know that he knows it too. I didn’t think it would take him almost a week to reach out and I certainly didn’t imagine it’d be like this. Sure, Vernon can go-with-the-flow when he’s with others, but his own decision making has never been this... Spontaneous? Rash?

“Sorry I woke you up,” he huffs, shaking out of his black jacket, eyes avoiding mine. “Can we talk?” he asks confidently, his deep voice taking me back into the present. I nod and look down, suddenly becoming too aware of my clothes, hair, and posture. Yeah, we’re close friends but he hasn’t seen me in this kind of state before.

I gesture towards the hallway where my room is, asking him to lead the way. His eyes widen a bit but he corrects his expression and obeys.

Turning away from him, I close the door behind me and stare at it in the dark. I can hear him anxiously pacing behind me. Sighing, I turn towards him, arms crossed.

“You can sit if you want.”

“No I don’t- It's okay.”

“No, you're actually making me anxious so just sit.” I walk towards him and fluff out the blanket on my bed, insisting. Vernon looks at me, the dim warm light of the salt lamp across the room gives his face the softest glow. His round eyes are pleading at me, trying to communicate something unspoken.

He is dangerously attractive.

I step closer, nodding my head to the mattress behind him. Shoulders falling, he sits reluctantly; resting his elbows on his knees and looking up at me.

“I know what you’re thinking” I quickly add, breaking away from his somber gaze to stare at the somewhat immature decor on my walls “and no, I don’t dress like this around the apartment.”

Confusion. Then realization hits him.

“These are just my pajamas” I say, defending the ‘too short’ shorts and tight cropped camisole I’m wearing. The worst way to present myself for what I assume is going to be an argument or a heartfelt conversation. Great.

Shaking his head he covers his face, groaning, then massaging his temples. “You know I don’t have an issue with that.”

When I had moved in with my current roommates, Seokmin and Soonyoung, the jokes between all our friends had practically written themselves but something told me that behind the laughter there was still some belief in their jest.

“Maybe before. I don’t know what your issue is anymore”. That came out way meaner than I wanted it to, oh well.

“Before I found out you slept with Soonyoung?”

“We did NOT have sex??” I whip my head and gawk at him in disbelief. God, I know better than to sleep with my fucking roomate! I never told Vernon about our date so where is this coming from?

To be fair, I did plan on telling him about the impromptu date Soonyoung and I had, eventually.

Maybe.

The timing was just never right. I didn’t want to make a whole thing out of it. I didn't think it mattered and mostly, I felt guilty. Knowing nothing would come out of it, I accepted a date with a close friend just to feel special. A moment of weakness I'd rather not retell to Vernon- who, if it's not painfully obvious, I have a huge one-sided crush on.

“Where did you even get that idea??” I demand.

“He sure acts like it.”

I take a deep breath, exhausted and offended. Why bring that up? Even if it were true, it's none of his business. It's irrelevant.

“One, no he doesn’t. Two, doesn’t change the fact that you fucked up.”

He’s staring at the floor now. Never have I seen him act so dejected. Who put these ideas in his head.

“I really wanted your support, Vernon.” I finally admit, defeated.

Silence, again.

Vernon had known about the museum showcase a month out when I called him excitedly the second I’d heard the good news. Out of the thousands of entries from our university, the creative team at one of the city’s largest modern art museums had chosen my photography project to display within its ‘Rising Talent’ gallery. He was also the first one I called when I got the bad news. My family wouldn't be able to fly out in time to support me in person. He promised I wouldn’t be alone the night of the premiere.

“If you came here to ignore me in person you should just leave so I can go back to sleep.” I step closer to him. I already regret the harsh words once I see the expression on his face.

“Yeah, no, I'm sorry I’m not ignoring- I'm just thinking. Trying to find the right words.”

All tenseness leaves my body at the sincerity in his voice, if I didn’t know any better I’d drop all my grievances about the situation and hold him.

The constant dull hum of the heater cuts through the quietness of the room as I sit down next to him on the bed, untying my hair from the loose updo I was sleeping in earlier. Trying to distract my thoughts, and give him some time to think, I grab the hairbrush from my nightstand and begin to untangle my hair gently, some strands still damp from the shower.

“At dinner, “ he starts, calmly “when you went to the bathroom,”

I look over at him, still brushing.

“He told us that you guys went out. Like on a date. He was so smug about it.” His voice speeds up in frustration, words spilling out

“Who does that? Shouldn’t you be the one to tell us? And when you got back that’s when he started to get touchy and.. I couldn’t stand to watch him act so- I just couldn’t stand it. He was acting like you were just another one of his hook ups. And you were sitting there, as clueless as ever.”

Clueless?? I couldn't help the annoyed and confused expression that distorted my face. He notices and I watch Vernon catch his breath and regain his patience. I do the same. So that's how he found out.

I had invited as many of my friends as possible to support me at the gallery premiere last weekend in an attempt to fill the void that my family’s absence had created. However, only my closest friends were invited to the celebratory dinner beforehand. Soonyoung, our longtime friend, one of my roommates, and the current point of contention being a part of that special group.

“So you ditch me after dinner because Soonyoung is flirty and has a loud mouth? He’s always been like that.“

“That’s not-” he purses his lips together, thinking about what to say next.

“Why does it matter if we went on a date? You should still want to support me. You know I needed you there.”

His gaze meets the floor again, the expression on his face telling me that he’s holding back. Just what is he thinking?

“I thought you wouldn’t need me there, since you had him.” he admits quietly, defensively vulnerable.

I gently set the hairbrush back onto the nightstand and turn my whole body to face Vernon, “Why would you think that?” I ask genuinely. Don't you know what you mean to me? He won’t look at me. I think that's the most frustrating part of this.

“He shouldn’t have told everyone about it.” he whispers, ignoring my question.

I lean forward, “I don’t think that's what’s bothering you.” A faint pink hue grows across his cheeks, reaching his ears.

Silence still, he is as stubborn as ever.

“I think you wanted me to tell you about it BUT I didn’t and THAT'S why you’re upset.” I poke his shoulder, trying to joke with him. Anything to kill the tense air between us.

“Well I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think you’d care, not because I have something to hide,” I state, plainly. “Besides, you don't tell me about your dates with Chan” I joke, mentioning his best friend. Not even a smile- he won't budge.

Frustration begins to boil inside my chest as we sit in silence for even longer. What was his plan? Disturb my sleep, show up at my place in the middle of the night, and shame me for something I didn't even do? Call me clueless, then give me the silent treatment?

“You're acting weird over nothing. You shouldn’t have ditched me and you know it. You owe me an apology and I shouldn’t have to even ask for it or mention it to get one” I finally huffed out, exhaustion getting the best of me.

His head is in his hands again, fingers slightly twisted in his dark hair. “You’re right. I know and I’m sorry.” he states, plainly. The air between us is heavy, all the sincere things he could add to his apology lingering in the air.

He said sorry, and yet I don't feel any better than before.

“Yeah I just, really wish you were there” I admit again, still upset by his actions. A small sorry isn’t going to dissipate all my frustrations.

We sit for a while, thinking about everything but saying nothing. Memories of that night are still vivid and swimming in the forefront of my mind- everything could have been perfect.

We cheerfully made our way out of the crowded restaurant, a slight buzz giving our voices more volume and our actions less thought.

Vernon had been quiet for a while but, admittedly, he’s a man of few words.

Leading our group is Seokmin, Soonyoung, and I. Both of them at my side, arms linked, as we all walk to the parking lot. Loudly, they’re bickering about the new episode of some show I’ve never watched. Uninterested, I look back over my shoulder, eyes meeting Vernon's with a wink. A small smile spreads across his face before our youngest friend, Chan, asks him something inaudible. The two boys in my arms are still chattering excitedly as we reach my car.

“Alright, you guys ready?” I interrupt, tugging their arms to get their attention. My two roommates look at each other quickly, knowingly. What are they plotting now?

Seokmin unhooks his arm from mine and takes a small step back, “You two go ahead, I’ll get a ride with Joshua.” He smiles and pats my head before jogging away to regroup with the others. “See ya’ there !” he adds, a big smile on his lips.

“What was that about?” I ask, eyes darting to Soonyoung.

“Ah he’s always like that.” He quickly states as he pulls me close to his chest, “You’re stuck with me now.” I jokingly shout for help, earning me a playful slap against the shoulder.

Behind us, multiple familiar cars pull out of the parking lot. “Before we leave,” he starts, voice going serious as he brings his hand up to cup my cheek. I freeze. He gives me a quick, yet, soft kiss on the lips.

“Let me take you out again.”

I was not expecting that.

His playful eyes burn with confidence as he looks down at me, satisfaction evident on his face. Nervousness and shock twist in my stomach as I mutter out a confused “Oh,” and “um.”

His prideful expression and posture remain unchanged as he moves his hand from my cheek to my shoulder, gently swishing my hair aside.

“Um?” he mocks me, his grin growing bigger somehow.

Guilt and regret overwhelm my senses. Even with a perfectly kind and attractive man in front of me- asking for my company, and kissing me- I can't get him out of my head.

I look down nervously and then over Soonyoung's shoulder towards the place I last saw Vernon, I hope he didn’t see that. He is nowhere to be seen now. He must've gotten a ride with the others and left his car.

“What’re you thinking?” he asks, interrupting my internal speculating.

“That I need time to think about it,” I state calmly despite the cutting guilt in my chest.

“Deal.” Soonyoung flashes his familiar flirtatious smile at me- pride never wavering despite my delayed reaction and aloof response.

I hate to make assumptions about him but I can’t deny that he's had his fair share of flings since we’ve met. Does he actually want to date me or does he have other motives? I would be lying if I said the physical attraction wasn’t there. It’s mutual. We ignore it though, something silently acknowledged and never pursued.

Until that day, when his “date” canceled on him and he called me.

“C’mon, you owe me. Besides, I’m paying. I am a gentleman after all.”

So why not?

“Hey,” Vernon’s soft voice pulls me out of my thoughts. He leans closer and puts his hand on my knee, the touch of his fingertips burning gently against my skin.

“I’m sorry for overreacting,” he says, genuinely.

I look down at his hand, face feeling warm as I give him a quiet nod.

“And if you like him, you should go for it.” he quickly adds, his voice monotone.

“No its not like tha-”

He interrupts me, “But if he treats you like you’re disposable he will regret it.”

“Vernon, listen.” I place my hand on top of his, squeezing it gently to hide the nervousness behind my actions. No matter our closeness, he always makes me feel so bashful.

Looking up at him through my eyelashes, I repeat myself, “It’s not like that.. with him…” His round eyes are focused on me and I can see the gears turning in his head.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t like him like that Vernon…” I watch his eyebrows twitch together in confusion.

“But I...” he doesn’t finish his sentence, and thinks for a second before looking down at our hands and then back up into my eyes.

Did he see Soonyoung kiss me?

“Okay.” he accepts, voice almost a whisper.

“Okay.” I repeat quietly, squeezing his hand again.

With a faint smile on his face, Vernon turns his hand over and interlocks our fingers carefully, his eyes meeting mine. I can’t stop the smile cutting into my cheeks.

Before I can say anything, he's leaning in and kissing me.

My heart pounds loudly in my chest and all the nerves in my body become hypersensitive. His lips are patient and thoughtful with their actions each time they meet mine.

My free hand traces its way up his arm and rests on the side of his neck, thumb cradling his jawline. He pulls his lips away gently and leans into my touch; his round doe eyes pleading at me. I catch my breath as I take in his beauty. Turning his face into my hand, he peppers kisses against my palm, never breaking eye contact.

He is driving me insane.

Shyness and excitement bubble up inside me. I rub his cheek with my thumb. His skin is so soft.

“Please, “ he whispers into my palm, “accept my apology.” I can’t help the thrilled giggle that jumps out of me. Of course I forgive you. But he can’t know that just yet.

“Hmm…” I tease, pretending to ponder his request.

He kisses my wrist and flips my hand over, holding it gently- dare I say, princely.

“I” kiss,

“Said” another,

“Please..” again.

Seeing this silly and vulnerable side of him is something I've dreamed of for a long time and it feels unreal to experience. A small laugh bounces out of my chest.

He leans close to me again, “What’s funny?” his voice sincere.

I shake my head at him, trying, with no success, to be serious.

“I am so obsessed with you,” I blurt out as I crash my lips against his, arms pulling him close to me.

He hums in satisfied shock but quickly melts into my touch. Without thinking twice, I swing my knee over his thighs, sitting myself in his lap. He groans against my lips, deepening the kiss as his hands tangle into my hair and travel up the back of my shirt. My body jolts forward at his touch, spine and scalp tingling. He lets out a small chuckle, satisfied at my reaction, before slipping his tongue into my mouth. A desperate whine grumbles in my throat, hands gripping his shoulders tighter.

The sweet pinewood scent of his hair, clothes, and skin envelope me alongside the warmth of his body. I relax and allow myself to enjoy this moment, taking in every sensation he grants me.

Using my weight and position as leverage, I push at his shoulders, pining him down against the bed. Brown expressive eyes look up at me, amusement and arousal swirling within them. His smirk gives me even more confidence as I lean down, our noses touching.

“Hi,” I whisper, nudging the tip of my nose against his before giving him a single tender kiss.

His hands grab my hips.

“Hi,” he repeats, eyes half open, lips glossy and parted.

I hide my face against his neck, laughing a little with him. His hands grip tighter, pulling me down against him and creating pressure where we need it the most.

“Vernon,” I whisper against the warm sensitive skin of his neck. He hums in response, half focused and half bliss. I move my lips up to his ear, biting gently at the sensitive skin of his lobe.

“I accept your apology.” I can feel him squirm under me as I kiss behind his ear then against his jaw and neck.

“Yeah?” he whispers, his hips shifting under mine allowing me to feel the effect my actions have had on him.

“Mmhm.” I travel my hand down his chest slowly, enjoying the firmness of his torso. “But you owe me.”

He nods in agreement, silent.

“Hey,” his big hand rubs my back delicately.

“Hm?” I question, lips pressed against his soft skin.

“I- I need a second” he pauses all movement and breathes deeply.

I sit up slightly, face unburrowing from his warmth, “You okay?”

“Of course,” he looks to the side a bit, his shyness coming out. “I just don’t want to… rush this.”

Despite the position we’re in and my boldness prior, when realization hits me I feel my face glow red, suddenly becoming hyperaware.

“Sorry, I got a bit carried away.” I admit meekly, Vernon’s shyness rubbing off on me.

“No complaints here ” he reassures me, a smirk on his face. “You should get carried away more often.” he adds with a smug expression.

“You just don’t know how long I’ve waited to do that.”

He thinks for a second before arguing, “Trust me, I’ve waited longer than you.” He pulls himself up slightly and kisses me again before plopping back down against the bed. I playfully slap his shoulder at the comment.

“Lay with me.”

I readjust so that he can move freely and I watch him get comfortable, quickly averting my eyes when he slips out of his jeans mindlessly. As per usual, he acts like nothing inordinary is happening.

I had lost track of time yet my sudden sleepiness reminds me of the hour, a yawn leaving my mouth. He adjusts the numerous pillows at the head of my bed.

“Well, are you gonna watch me sleep? Or?”

“Maybe...” I take in the image of him comfortably laid in my bed, hair messy and clothes minimal.

“C’mere,” he lifts open the blanket a bit, gesturing for me to lay next to him.

I scoot over and lay down on my back beside him carefully. He's laying on his side with a folded arm propping his head up.

I can feel his quiet gaze fixate on me.

The concept of having Vernon in my bed is already crazy enough by itself but lying next to him feels even more unreal.

He closes the edge of the blanket around me and I feel warmth surrounding my body. His hand meets my side before pulling me in closer to him and whispering into my hair.

“Is this okay?”

The melodic sound of his voice and warm musk of his skin overwhelm my senses and go straight to my head, soothing my tired consciousness.

I've wanted this for so long.

I don't want to think about tomorrow and the consequences of tonight. I don't want to listen to my brain try and search for every negative outcome possible. Even though exhaustion has taken over my body, eyelids and limbs heavy, I don't want to sleep and put an end to this long awaited intimacy.

I turn into his embrace and bury my head into his chest to try and hide myself away from any bad thoughts.

Right now he is all mine. He chose to be here with me. To kiss me. Hold me.

The cotton fabric of his shirt is smooth against my face, citrusy gourmand and pine filling my chest as his arms wrap around me securely.

“So long…” I mumble into him, half hoping he won’t hear me.

“Hm?” The purr of his response hums deep in his chest, relaxing my nerves and pushing away all worry filled second thoughts.

Mindlessly, he rubs small circles against my back, soothing me more than he will ever know.

At this moment, I am truly happy. I feel complete.

I want to tell him.

“I've liked you for so long”

He kisses the top of my head. “You have me now.”

a/n: i have already started part 2 but anyways yeah im crazy abt him right now 😔 thank you for reading! any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated ♡