Dreaming Up A Baby

When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now). 

I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes. 

Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable - ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that. 

You didn’t need to tell me, “breast is best” as I was buying a can of baby formula, because I already know.

I know that my husband and I excitedly took the four hour breast feeding class when I was pregnant.

I know that my baby immediately did skin to skin and ate from my breast within an hour of her birth, because it was important to me. I know that we saw a lactation consultant before we took her home, and again a few weeks later.

I know that we struggled at first. That some nights we both cried together. That my dear friends swore it would get better. I know they were right, and it did.

I know “breast is best” just like you do.

But, let me tell you what else I know.

I know that my baby began screaming after she ate. Writhing in pain. Inconsolable.

I know over the last month and a half I have exclusively pumped and tried slow flow bottles of breast milk, I have tried different positions, I have seen another lactation consultant.

I know I have held my child, my baby, while she screamed for hours- one day for eight hours straight.

I know we have been to see the pediatrician at least twice a week since she has been born.

I know that I tried cutting soy, and dairy, and leafy greens from my diet to make my milk more digestible for her.

I have pumped- and I’m still pumping- enough to have hundreds of ounces of breast milk in my freezer even though she will likely never be able to eat it.

All because “breast is best.”

And then finally, we tried the hypoallergenic dairy protein free formula you saw me buying today. And the screaming lessened. And my baby started smiling. She started interacting. She started sleeping.

And I cried. Because I thought breast was best. I thought my body failed her. I thought she wouldn’t be as healthy on formula. I know you think I must not care or I’m lazy, or maybe you were genuinely trying to be helpful and thought no one had ever told me the benefits of breast feeding.

But, you are wrong. What I know that you don’t is that breast ISN’T always best. I know happy, healthy baby is best. I know FED is best.

What I’m sure we both know is that parenting is hard. Really hard. That sometimes what we plan for and what we want just doesn’t work out, but we are all here trying to do what’s best for our babies.

So, dear stranger, next time you see someone buying formula, try to remember that mamas should support each other. Think about everything you might not know. Remind yourself that “fed is best” and smile because it means someone loves their baby enough to do what’s best for them.

Love,

Another Mom Doing Her Best and a Happier Formula Fed Baby”

Beautiful newborn photo. Love it! 

The Ultimate Star Wars Nursery 

Many fans of Star Wars say they grew up with the films and have felt passionately about the universe for their whole lives. Tim Murphy’s daughter will have a unique perspective. She’ll grow up literally surrounded by and immersed in Star Wars.