Fighting to survive

People don't really talk about how much it hurts to lose a friend. And we lose friends more often than we lose lovers. So why don't we discuss how much it hurts when they leave? When they stop answering your texts? When its been three years and you see a post they'd love but you can't send it anymore? When you lay awake at night and wonder how they're doing now? When you see their face on your feed? People don't really talk about how much it hurts to lose a friend. But we've all lost them. We all have those people walking around the planet with knowledge about you that not everyone knows. They know about how your family makes you miserable. They know your Taco Bell order. They know how you think when you get sad. They know what to say to make you laugh. They know what makes you happy. They know all your inside jokes but it's not so funny anymore. How can you laugh when all you do is miss them?

Do not chalk up the healing of your wounds to time. You have healed through your own perseverance, on your own accord. Time did not throw away your razors and pick you up off the bathroom floor. Time did not delete old contacts and teach you how to laugh again. Battle scars tell the story you have written for yourself, not one that was written for you.

Do you know someone with histrionic personality disorder? Do you have poems or pages about it?

Sometimes words are white noise and you are better off with silence.

The life I loved is replaced by the dull static of complacency. I feel like I am losing hope, losing livelihood, losing myself. I am nothing but an empty vessel of who I used to be, a name to cross lips and text messages when reminiscing the past. Eighteen has opened up a whole new world for me but this one isn't quite as warm.

The worst part about the way things fell apart is that I can live my life and believe that I've moved on but then something funny or great happens to me and I can only be reminded that I have no one to tell. There is no one to listen but the soft breeze left behind by your quick exit from my life.

People are the most transient part of your life. Some will stay by your side for 10 years; from building Legos to college applications, they will have been a secondary character in the plot of your story and then you will spend two weeks trying to figure out why you're so tired around her and why you dont tell her the same things as the rest of your friends. And then two years will have passed and your only memory of her will be an old picture of the two of you that finds its way in your Friends' Day video on Facebook. And then there will be the girl you met three years ago. She would light up the room with her laugh and god was it contagious. You trusted her with everything that you were for these three years. But life goes on and now the only time you hear her name is when it falls from the lips of your mutual friends. And for the people you met your senior year, you will have spent all your free periods in the seat next to theirs and all your Friday nights across from them. You will have created a beautifully endless list of inside jokes and sly looks. But then it's five months later and no one has free periods to match or Friday nights to spare in college. And now the closest you can get is their faces on a Skype call every once in a while. And let me tell you, each time it happens, it doesn't hurt any less. And when you think that everything will be okay, life will pull the rug right out from under you so just enjoy the soft edges and soothing smiles of the people around you now and brace yourself for the fall.

You will meet toxic people in your life. Sometimes they will come in the form of a brother that doubts your intelligence and preys on your every mistake. Sometimes they will come in the form of a friend that talks only about herself and won’t spare your life the time of day. Sometimes they will come in the form of a crush that takes advantage of your soft soul and open heart. You will meet toxic people in your life. Remember that people are not permanent. Do not subject yourself to relationships that bring more pain than it is worth. Cleanse your life and rid it of all the impure people that leave splotches on your bright soul.

Six pieces of advice from your local introvert: 1. Not a lot of things ache more than the feeling of tiredness you get after being around people too long. They will not have done anything wrong. You will not have done anything wrong. It will just be an overwhelming wave of needing quiet. 2. Being alone sometimes does not mean you are isolating yourself. Your friends still care about you. They will not forget that you exist. They will remember your favorite movie and the sound of your laugh. They will remember everything about you and, even better, they love you for it. 3. It is okay to need to be alone for a while. Maybe a few hours or a few days, it is okay to need to be by yourself. You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time alone. Me-time is not bad. 4. Try not to overthink. Spending time with yourself is healthy. Hating yourself with that time is not. You are you. And that is okay. Some people will spend every waking hour surrounded by people. You do not need to be that person. You don’t need to be any person but yourself. And if that entails some quiet time to recharge, so be it. 5. Embrace your alone time. There are times when they will be few and far between. Appreciate the sound of the ticking clock in your room or the smell of the air when you take a walk by yourself. 6. Don’t feel obligated to go places or do things you don’t want to. Do what makes you comfortable. If that means drinking hot chocolate and reading a book on a Saturday night, do it. If that means saying good night in your friends’ group chat a little early, do it. If that means not showing up to every gathering, do it. You are not falling off the face of the planet by not always being present. Your existence and your life remains the same, even if your quiet time is telling you everything has changed.

Envelopes hold mysteries Some good and some so devastatingly destructive, You might never remember anything that hurt more than words on paper. Black ink on white paper screams aloud “You’ll never be good enough for us. Not even after you tried this hard.” Twelve point font says you’re a waste of space And you’ll never amount to anything. So take a deep breath and remember Sleepless nights and color-coded notes, Tear-filled classes and anxiety-ridden exams. Remember what it felt like to fail so badly the first time around And realize it was nothing compared to how shitty it feels right now When they tell you that you aren’t worth the risk And no amount of A’s or extracurricular activities Will mask the scent of your disappointing future That lurks so close now; You can feel it slowly but surely Becoming your new tomorrow.

The last time I’d felt this low I was ashamed of how I felt and why I felt it And so scared of what I was willing to do to myself But this time around, nothing is the same It’s a familiar darkness But I don’t want to see blood anymore I want tears and a whole heart I want to smile without the thoughts haunting my every move I want to stop hurting Because it’s forming a black hole where my heart used to be And I’m not sure I’ll ever escape anymore.

Hello lovely! 🎀 I've noticed you've been struggling lately with all the pressure of university (which is perfectly understandable). But please don't stress yourself out about trying to keep this blog active! It's okay that you haven't been posting as frequently. It's okay that it might be harder to find motivation to write. And it's absolutely okay to put other things before your writing! Don't let anyone shame you for it. You're still a beautiful person regardless c: Have a great day!

Where have you gone?

You are everything to me but I am just something to pass your time. I am the toy on Christmas Day, left abandoned by March. I feel dust collecting in my soul and the stillness of my world echoing in my mind. In five years you will dig me out from the attic of your mind and blow the dust from my skin. You will smile from the memories and scrounge your brain for a name but I will be nothing more than a blurry face in the background, a shadow of your past. It's a shame you are the monument of mine.

There are shallow people because they are hollow people. Without substance, humans are nothing. Without experience, there is nothing to prepare you for what lies ahead. Gracefully accept that past you've been dealt; it is worth just as much work as you have to put in to survive.

It is two am and I can't breathe because I am drowning in guilt. Guilt from random sadness, each another drop of water that fills my lungs and mind and bones. There is no kindness; it is a cold world even in the summer. The constant struggle to be at ease with my very own existence is now more than I am capable of handling. If everything I do is wrong, what is the point in doing anything at all?