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일기 - journal entry in Korean

연습 - Korean practice

constantly stopped by. not knowing what I actually want to do, feeling like I want to do too many things. feeling like some stuff I want to do is not achievable.

i just need to pick a few things. and stick to them. and if they don't work out, move on to another thing.

this is far easier said than done

i feel like it stems from a lot of things. I think a lot of it is the fact that I Barely Do Anything and I do not Put Myself Out There at all. I feel really isolated, I wish I had friends other than my girlfriend who actually wanted to talk to me. I have had a lot of friends in life that will just like, never reply to anything I say to them. and I think that, compounding with other life experiences I have had, has made me feel like nothing I do or say is actually worth anything.

so that makes it hard to try new things and put myself out there. so I just don't do Anything half of the time. there are so many things I would Like to do, but I just don't do anything. I stop myself from doing things often because I feel like I won't be very Good at it. I don't feel like I am very Good at anything. and it's both a... well, why do it if you aren't even good at it thing, but also a "nobody will care about this if you post it (like writing, for example), bc it's not actually very good". and if i don't like what I made, and nobody else does either, then what's the point of making it at all? I don't know. it's a very harmful thought process that makes me never try anything out.

I think I want community. I hate that humans are social creatures. I hate that I Need to talk to people. because people that want to talk to you are so hard to find. I feel like I need to make myself more interesting because it's the only way I will get anyone to care about me. so I feel like everything I do has to also be something I do to appeal to other people. and it also makes me jealous and angry when I see people (friends, ex-friends?) who have ignored me or stopped talking to me get attention online. it just feels like everyone else has something to offer, or that other people have some kind of inherent gravity that makes people attracted to them that I just don't. I don't like feeling bitter, I don't like feeling jealous.

i think it might also stem from how unsatisfying life in general is for everyone at the moment. the economy is so terrible. it's near impossible for me to get a new job right now, especially one that isn't going to force me to use gen AI bullshit. my current job is often very boring, and I don't make enough to take off even a single day. I don't make enough to travel even though I would like to. so life doesn't feel very exciting.

i know that the solution is probably just that I need to make myself do more hobbies and not frame it in my head as "I could share this with others". and then maybe separately, somewhere, try to reach out or join a discord server and try to make some friends. I don't know.

i feel like it's because I have so often been gatekept and shamed about things I like. like, any time I have shared my music interests with someone else who was "alternative", they have been like "those aren't real bands. I listen to (insert bands here that I dont really care for)."

i have friends who are emo/goth and some of them have made a point to be like "well I am the most emo person here" when we've hung out. and it's like. I feel like I took it personally and it further solidified in my brain that I don't get to call myself alternative/emo/whatever bc this person declared themselves that. and I always felt like they viewed me as "basic". and I feel like... all of that is more on them and how THEY feel, and they're not the CEO of emo or whatever, so their opinions don't get to dictate how I label myself.

i also need to be like, well. we don't live in outfit world. it's okay that I don't dress the perfect Pinterest result of "alternative outfits" or whatever. alternative is an umbrella label anyways, it just means "not the norm". and I don't subscribe to any particular sublabel of it to begin with because I feel like I am more interested in curating my own style than subscribing to a set of rules I have to follow in order to be considered like, "emo", for example.

and I feel like my desired style varies anyways. I like colors, I don't want to dress in all black. I like a lot of styling that could be considered "grunge", and I like the focus on thrifting and DIY and anti-consumerism that grunge has. but I don't want to label myself as that either bc it feels very tied to the time period the grunge movement started, and I also don't really listen to a lot of grunge music.

i also don't leave the house much and i'm autistic. I have a lot of sensory issues. I highly value comfort in clothing (especially bc of aforementioned not leaving the house), and I struggle to wear things that aren't The Same Outfit Every Day bc of the way I am. and a lot of "comfy clothing" isn't usually seen as "alternative" to most people. BUT WE DON'T LIVE IN OUTFIT WORLD!!!! IT'S FINE!!! i'm really particular about the way clothes feel and fit on me too, so it's pretty difficult to find clothes that don't make me feel bad and uncomfortable when wearing them.

i think also my moral value of not buying things from places like Amazon or shein really also slows my process of collecting clothes I think are Cool, too. at least in comparison to people I might see on the internet that are just fine with buying a bunch of "alt" clothes in those kinds of places. so I shouldn't compare myself to people online like that either. lol

like, Tumblr isn't completely dead, but it's dead in comparison to what it was when I was a teenager. you can go like a whole day now with a total of like, 10 new posts to look at on here. and the "for you" page on here sucks and will show you the same 15 posts for a month.

then stuff that isn't reels/TikTok that updates more often than Tumblr is a cesspit. like reddit. it updates a lot, but it's bound to make you feel Worse in one way or another.

truly feels like the place I used to use as an escape, a place to be myself (as a trans, autistic person from the conservative southeast US), does not exist anymore. it kind of sucks! at the same time though, I have a lot more control over my situation now. I don't need the internet to escape to anymore because I can just be myself in my own house and do what I want.

i just need to fully register that there's no reason to keep reaching for the internet every time I am bored. because it leaves me feeling restless and even more bored than when I logged in--because there's nothing to do on here.