My Personal Journal Of The Life Of 🐝

I feel like the man upstairs put me through a lot. I don't think it's on purpose or accident....I think he simply gettin me prepared for what's about happen in a couple of months.....and you know what..I thank him for it. The homie Gadget told me whenever she go through some hard times she thank God for putting her through....it makes you stronger, and if that ain't some true shit then i don't know what is. So for the last couple days it's been kinda hard. On Thursday I almost crashed my shit....I mean my 🚗 did a 720 down a hill and almost went into traffic....luckily my car stopped right before it went into traffic. I'm still in shock that I didn't get seriously hurt. Then today either my battery or starter went out on me and I had to leave my car at work tonight....can't win for losing right now. But you know what...no time for being sad, angry and pissed....I'm learning how to say fuck it....shit is gonna get handled....no need to stress myself. So God....thank you for putting me through this....I'm learning ur just preparing me for something better that's about to come into my life....thank you. Oh yeah....God....Gadget....I really love that woman....I would love to spend the rest of my life w/ her. Even though I know she see me as a friend...I'd wish she'd see me more than that....but I don't even have my stuff figured out so I see why you haven't blessed me w/ the opportunity to have somebody like her. But I do believe if i get my life right you would bless me in a way that I would be forever thankful for. God....I guess I'm all out of words....if you reading this....I will continue to do this because I feel like this is a better way of communicating with you...ok...I'm done

It's been a while since I wrote on this thing....i suck at updating this thing....lol. Life is aiight....I can see some progress is being made....got my old job back so I'll be making some extra money on the side....which is cool. It's been a week now since my Uncle Roy has passed away....it's crazy that he's gone...I'm so thankful I got the chance to see him this year when I was down in the Oaktown. I didn't know he tried out for the Oakland A's ....my uncle must of been a hell of a pitcher in high school. Even though he will be missed I didn't like the way he went out. You got all these people trying to get you in better health and you refuse it and you would just rather give up and die....that was some sucka shit to me. Life is so hard but I never give up...NEVER...there be days where I feel like I can't do it but i still find the strength in me to get thru another day. I'm still learning how to deal w/ this depression shit....it's hard man....it seems like I'm lying to people when I say I'm alright but deep down inside I'm not. Trying to deal w/ this depression by myself is hard.....i may think I know what I'm doing but in reality I feel like I'm making shit worse by trying to deal w/ this depression shit by myself. If I tell people I need help I don't want people to treat me a certain way or force me to get help...that'll easily turn me away from you and the situation. Once I know it's time for me to get help...I'll get it....but for right now I'm still trying to figure out myself why I'm feeling this way. 4 more months and my sis and mom will be starting a new life in Vegas. I'm happy for them...it's something that they need....they want me to move down there with them and I simply declined. I think this is the time for me to prove to myself that I can do this on my own w/o their help. My mom has been helping for a very long time....w/ everything....and now it's time for that to stop....it's time for me to do this on my own. It's crazy....I've been crying like crazy about this and that day isn't even here yet....when that day comes hopefully I'll be prepared and won't cry when we say our last goodbyes. But I know that shit won't happen...lol. I have no more to say....I think this untitled joint is done. Rest In ✌🏾️Unc....love ya!

This woman here is my heartbeat…..I love her so much. My mom is one of the strongest women I know….she has always been there for me when I need her she can never tell me wrong…even when I don’t want to listen she always say the right shit to make realize the big picture. Yeah imma Mama’s Boy but to a certain extent…..lol…..ill do anything for my mama….cause she always went out of her way to make me and my sister happy. She was mos def a supermom….I remember when we was living in Arkansas and my Pops was laid off and she had to work 2 jobs then come home and cook dinner and help us w/ homework…then turn around and do it again the next day…..I can’t thank her enough for not EVER giving up…..i learned a lot from my mom….I learn how to always have a smile on ur face even when shit is getting you down. In a few months ur gonna be living the good life down in Vegas.....stress free....just the way it should be. It's gonna be hard not be able to talk to you when I really need advice or just have random conversations about stuff....yeah I could do it over the phone but it just won't be the same w/o seeing ur face. I love you Mommy......ur the best mom in the world!!

These past couple days has been good and bad. The good..I finally got certified to be a HHA/Hospice so now I can work on the hospice side now. I'm really happy that things are coming along great at job. I'm expected to get a raise next month so things are really looking good a Adventist. The bad...haven't talked to my friend Gadget in a couple of days and it's kinda bumming me out. I try to be the friend and let her know what was going on in her household....but I said it in a wrong way that made her mad at me. Now every time I try to text her she won't answer. Only thing I'm upset about is whenever I don't answer her text messages....she thinks I'm ignoring her....but now she does it to me...and it's ok for her to do it.....that's not cool man. But I'm learning how not to get upset at the little things or shit that doesn't have anything to do with me. I know we'll be aiight and the friendship ain't goin anywhere....but it just upsets me that we can't talk about it....we're usually open to conversation and say what is ever on our minds.....right now that's not happening.....and I understand why. My friend got a lot going on.....I try to eliminate some of her stress by helping her out by staying at her crib, help give kids rides, clean up her house, etc. I pray for her all the time.....ok....that's enough for now

I swear.....thee hardest nigga out right now

Dirt Doooooooooog! 👐🏾🐝

I think I really do have this

<p>I met this woman by the name of Heidi in the summer of ‘12…..well actually before the summer but in that same year. I met her in this FB group…can’t even remember the name of it but my homeboy Kenny made it up. She was very funny and can hang when it came to snapping on folks….that automatically made me want to get to know her a lil better. I don’t know what I was smokin or drinking that day but i decided to hit her up on the DM lol….Mind you she was beautiful as all hell and I didn’t think she was gonna reply back because I thought she would probably just ignore me….but she didn’t she hit me right back and we clicked instantly. So I did the boldest thing I’ve ever done before….I asked for her number….lol. Conversations w/ her was dope…she was real down to earth person, Hell she even help me try to find a job which I thought was pretty cool of her. I admit I was diggin her and was gonna make my move but deep down inside I knew I wouldn’t have a chance…to be w/ a woman like her you gotta have ur shit together and at that moment I was still trying to get my shit together. After she broke the news to me about her gettin into a relationship we remain friends. Most dudes woulda been like “fuck that I’m not fuckin w/ her no more”…but not me….I saw a real cool friendship blossoming and it actually did….ended up meeting her fam and instantly they became my other fam. Her daughters are now my God Daughters….hell I should say daughters cause I’m ALWAYS there when they need me. Gadget did a great job w/ them….they can run you crazy but they do it out of love….lol. It’s 4 and half years I’ve been knowing this lady….goin on 5….I hope this longevity of friendship keeps going ….I’ll do my damnest not to ruin it…that’s how much this friendship means to me…..love ya my friend! 😊 </p>

I love my dad…..I love him so much he doesn’t even know how much I love him. But I also hate him for the shit he did while raising me. I’m not gonna say he was a bad father cause he wasn’t…but I just wish we was a lot more closer. It hurts me that I can’t go to him and talk to him about situations that’s going on cause we always argue in the middle of the convo. Again…I love my dad but I also have a lot of hate for him…I could remember it clear as day….I was 11 or 12 around the time me and my friend was going outside to play some ball…my dad had just pulled up….as we’re coming out the house my dad looks at the both of us and say “what’s wrong w/ y'all? You on that shit? You better not be on that shit or yo ass is gonna be out this house” ….mind you me and my friend is clueless on what he’s talking about so we just went on about our business cause we both knew he was drunk. So after we played ball he went home and I went in the house ..soon as I walk in the house my dad is screaming at me telling me that I better not be doing any drugs…he screamed so loud that it actually made me tear up. Till that day I never forgave him for that….I was in 6th grade around that time….I didn’t even know what drugs were back then. That really hurt me….it led me not to talk to him about ANYTHING….cause I knew he would give me bad advice. The thing i hate about him most was his drinking problem…..ever since I was born he’s been a hardcore drinker….always drinking 40’s….dude can guzzle 4 in a day while having a 20 pack in the fridge. His addiction was that bad. I wish he woulda been a better husband to my mom….all she ever wanted was to be loved and somehow he couldn’t do that. Sometimes I feel like the reason why I’m not in a relationship because of how I seen my Pops treat my mom…not really doing shit w/ her, telling her the he loved her….I’ve NEVER heard that come out of his mouth…..which is sad. He never taught me the right way to treat and love a woman…I’m 34 years old and still clueless on how to get at women because of the bad advice he use to give me. He was also a verbal abuser….ALWAYS had something negative to say….I don’t know if he was ever loved when he was child…but I feel like he took he’s anger out on us and it just completely fucked our minds up now. Again…..I love my dad…I just wish he woulda been more active in my life instead of being that dad that gets drunk everyday and don’t do shit w/ ur family…..I pray to GOD if i EVER be a father I will be 100x better than him…..I would love my kid to infinity…..I would never steer them wrong and they won’t EVER have to worry about stressing because I would never put my kid through any drama…..i will be very supportive too…..don’t care if my kid didn’t start on the basketball or football team I will be there to support them no matter what because I never had that in my life. Hopefully one of these days I can sit down and talk and just let him know how i feel….but right now I’m not prepared to forgive him yet……but once I’m ready it’s gonna release so much stress and I’ll probably feel more better about it knowing I let him know how i feel. I only have one Dad…..wouldn’t trade him for anything…..like I said before I just wish he was more active in my life when I was a kid………love you Pops