Drarry Texts

To give a quick update, my cat seems to be doing okay. I’m pretty sure the vomiting was unrelated to her hernia as she hasn’t had a repeat. Hasn’t had any of the symptoms and has been back to her usual playful self. I’m cautiously optimistic. To anyone who sent support or advice, thank you so so much. I’m going to be saving up for the surgery so if she does start to regress she can get it, but I probably won’t need to start any kind of fund unless she declines quickly and unexpectedly. Here’s to hoping my furbaby will live a long and happy life.

I probably won’t be around the blog much. I’ll see about posting when I’m in the mood and have the time, but right now I’m working on writing an interactive fic. For any of you interested in details, it’d be like a visual novel with multiple choices and multiples endings only without the visuals and everything is written description. For a test run I’m doing a couple Harry Potter fics using the system. The first one is one where you design a character and are the new assistant at Fred and George Weasley’s joke shop. They’d be the two main romance/friendship options (you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship if you don’t want to) and it’d play through the height of the Second Wizarding War. It’d be based around a stat system and a sort of DnD/RP inspired system. After that I’ll be moving onto a more ambitious project that’ll be still HP but you design a character as a transfer student and attend an AU sixth year. All main characters will be romancable and it’s gonna have a lot of different endings and so on. It’ll be a game most likely and I intend on publishing to the app store and having a PC version. I just love writing and games and I’ve found a way to combine them. Hopefully you guys will look forward to that.  Anyways, once again thank you all for the support. You may see a few drarrytexts posts from me but don’t expect a bunch while I’m still working on my interactive fic project. I hope you’re all doing well.

I’ve been gone for a while now. I mentioned in a few posts before that I was trying to make money. Drarrytexts is a passion of mine, but passion doesn’t put food on the table. Passion doesn’t let your mum retire when she’s spent her life working multiple jobs to provide for a family of 4 kids with 3 being disabled. I finally found something I really wanted to do and I was so excited to tell you guys about it. I’m working on writing an interactive novel. I was so thrilled, I was writing a Harry Potter interactive fanfic as a test drive and I couldn’t wait to release it to you all. If it did well I was going to try and go original to sell and make some money. Who wouldn’t want to be a character in a book and mold the plot to their wishes? I’d planned on starting to do requests again too, once my first interactive fic was finished and I’d returned. But life has a way of punching you in the face when you least expect it. 

Yesterday my cat vomited 5 times in the span of 12 hours. I took her to the vet and racked up over 200$ in vet bills to get an xray to see if there was an intestinal blockage. I would give fucking anything for that to be what they found. She has Peritoneopericardial diaphragmatic hernia (warning for gore at the bottom of the linked page where they show the inside of a cat with the condition)  which is just a fancy word for a hole between the abdominal cavity and the cavity where her heart is. It’s a birth defect and if it doesn’t cause any complications some cats can go their whole lives without ever being revealed to have it. Basically my cat, Luna (she’s named after Luna Lovegood), has her intestines wrapped around her heart and her liver and so on are being shoved up into the cavity. It can cause breathing complications as well as gastrointestinal issues and can result in death and seriously declined health. Luna was born 2017 September 24th, and as such is still a kitten. She still has growing to do. The vomiting is not for sure related, my vet can’t tell for certain, so I was given medication for her that would treat standard nausea. Best case scenario is the vomit is unrelated and Luna can live happily without getting surgery. Worst case scenario is I need to get her surgery or have her put down. I won’t force her to live a life where she’s in constant agony. I love her so much but I won’t force her to live a half-life for my own emotional satisfaction. As far as they can tell, right now she isn’t hurting. But things like this decline as she grows and her organs get squished even more. It’s usually safe to leave adult cats without symptoms with the defect, but kittens who are still growing can easily die from this condition.

I love her so fucking much. She’s my lil baby, my shadow. Since she was just a kitten I never knew a more needy, cuddly cat than her and I’ve known many many cats. When I got her she was underweight and scared but she warmed up so fast when she was given loving touch and care. Her previous owners had fed her nothing but cow’s milk, which has basically no nutrition. Now she’s a happy healthy kitten, nearing her first birthday. At least I thought she was healthy. Her condition is entirely hinging on whether or not the vomiting was caused by her condition. Whether or not she’ll start again once I finish the round of meds they gave me. So far she’s been doing a lot better, today she was much more active, hasn’t puked and has been eating and drinking normally. I’m not religious but if I was I’d be praying right now. Every time I hear anything that even resembles the noise of gagging I’m terrified she’s puking again. I haven’t been this stressed or scared in a long time. She’s such a good baby, she follows me everywhere I go and is always up for some cuddles. Even when she’s being so bratty she drives me to tears, she’s still so sweet. When I’m having a depression spiral she keeps me getting out of bed, even if it’s only to clean her litter and feed her and play with her. Plenty of people will say “Oh it’s just an animal” but this little kitten came into my life and made it so much more bearable. She’s a little life I was tasked to protect, regardless of whether or not she’s human. I made a commitment to her the moment I adopted her.

The surgery will cost from 2,500$-4,500$ including aftercare. (CAD, I’m Canadian) From what I’ve Googled it has a 92% survival rate. That figure is also assuming there aren’t complications which could hike the price even more. My family lives on less than 10,000$ a year, the higher range of that price is nearly half what we make in an entire year. My sister and her fiance are making a bit more than us and have agreed to help cover what I can’t if it does come to surgery. I’d just have to pay them back. I’m just praying it doesn’t. If Luna doesn’t keep puking, if she doesn’t develop breathing issues, this could all be okay. She could live totally find with the condition. But I can’t see what else could have caused the puking. She never pukes. I’m fucking terrified. I will gladly max my card if that is what it takes to save her life. I’ll be in debt until 2019 I don’t give a shit. A price can’t be put on her life. Whatever it takes, I’ll do. That brings us to why I’m making this post in the first place.

Any help, anything at all, would be appreciated if it comes down to surgery. I’ll be in debt as long as I need to, but any help would be so good. I’m not asking for money right now, because I’m still hoping beyond hope that Luna’s vomiting is unrelated. If she can just reach 1 year without any more complications, it could be totally fine. In five days if she doesn’t start vomiting again it could be totally okay. Adult cats can usually survive with this condition. But she still has months to go and she’s still growing. And I know this is begging and it probably makes me look pathetic, but I’ll gladly throw away my pride if it means my baby can get the surgery she needs. She’s apart of my family, I made that commitment to her when I got her. I love her so much. Any advice any of you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I want to open commissions to help with the costs if it does come to surgery. I’ll gladly draw or write anything for anyone who asks. Anyone who does commissions, any advice you have would be so appreciated.

I know I haven’t been posting a while so anyone who thinks I don’t deserve this blog to voice my concerns, I get that. I get why this might annoy you. But if you had someone you loved and could help, would you just sit back and let them potentially die? Even with my sister and her fiance’s help, it’s still putting a huge financial strain on my family if surgery is necessary. I’m scared, I can barely sleep at night from the fucking fear of waking up to her not breathing. And anyone who says it’s just an animal can fuck off. She gives me love and makes me feel okay even when everything in me is screaming to just end it. She’s a little life with a beating heart and working mind. She can feel pain and she can feel emotions. She’s worth every penny to save. I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure she lives a long and happy life.

To those who do care, who do understand, who may have lost a pet or had to make a hard decision, what advice do you have? I’m trying so hard to keep it together for her, but I’m terrified. I can’t imagine losing her, I can’t imagine waking up and not seeing her sleeping beside me. I just want her to be okay. I’m scared of the financial debt but I’ll gladly be broke for a long time if it means she’s okay. Have any of you had a cat with the condition? Just anything, anything any of you have to say that’s positive, I want to hear.

I’ll close on saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m making yet another post that isn’t drarrytexts. I’m sorry I’m posting personal shit on this blog. I know it’s a fandom blog, I know it’s for drarrytexts. And I hope to god Ellen and Anneliese don’t regret making me the third mod. But I can’t stay silent. I can’t when it’ll put financial strain on my sister too when she’s already so stressed going to Uni and trying to work jobs and so on. This blog has 25k followers, it’s my largest online following and my best chance at getting my words heard. If it does come to surgery, if even just 10% of you donated a single Canadian dollar, that’d be 2,500$ and that would take such a huge burden off my shoulders. I’m praying so fucking hard it doesn’t come to surgery. I’m hoping I can make a post in 5 days time and say how Luna is fine and well and hasn’t started puking again and is a happy kitty running around joyfully. But if I can’t then I will bury my pride and I will gladly beg for money. I’ll write anything you guys want, I don’t care if it’s the most horrible ungodly stuff full of unspeakable shit. I will write it. I’ll do pixel art commissions, I’ll put in 12 hours a day working on commissions if that’s what it takes. I want my cat to live, I want to be able to pay off my debts to my sister if I do have to pay for surgery. I’m being selfish and I know that. I know I haven’t been a good mod and I haven’t been posting. But some things are more important than how the world sees you. You guys stood by me when I had to leave for my mental health, I hope you’ll understand why I’m making this post. Drarrytexts is a community I am so proud of. And I hope you guys understand why I’m doing this.

To anyone who read the entire thing, thank you for listening. And anyone who gives advice or wants to message me my personal is hallowed-pumpkins. I appreciate anything you guys have to say. Thank you for being a great community. I don’t know how I came to be apart of such a beautiful blog, but every day I’m grateful.

TL:DR I was away from the blog working on an interactive novel/fanfic and had planned to come back when it was finished to surprise you guys with it. Discovered yesterday my cat has a serious condition that could potentially result in needing to get a 2,500$-4,500$ surgery for her otherwise she’ll have to be put down. I’m well below the poverty line and am scared shitless. Any advice anyone has would be extremely appreciated. Will be opening commissions for writing and pixel art if it comes to surgery. Also will be starting a Go Fund Me if necessary, but still hoping beyond hope it doesn’t come to that.

I’ll reblogging this for the next couple days, if you guys don’t wanna see it, blacklist ‘lunasurgery’.

I’m working on revamping the tagging system so it’ll be easier to find the types of posts you want. I probably won’t be posting for a few days because I’m going through all of my posts and updating the tags. I’ll start posting again once I’m through all mine, and then I’ll slowly chip away at Ellen’s and Anneliese’s (I probably spelled that wrong my memory is crap sorry) while I post regularly.

The tagging system has a few main types of tags, stuff like Time Period which would be stuff like post Battle of Hogwarts, pre Battle of Hogwarts, post Hogwarts, pre Voldemort rebirth, kids era, etc. and stuff like angst, fluff, and various tropes. Also relationship status so whether they’re romantic, just friends, or not even friends yet. There’s a bunch other but that’s just to give you an idea. I’ll be updating the tags page so it’ll be easy to just click a link and be sent to all posts with that tag.

TL;DR I won’t be posting for a few days due to revamping the tagging system.

There are currently 157 asks in the box. Slowly but surely I’m making my way through them. I’m having a lot of fun with the group chat format. It takes double the time to edit, but I think it’s worth it.

I’m really proud of this community. I really am. I can’t think of any other website where I wouldn’t be roasted for taking time for mental illness. You guys are incredible and I really needed to hear the encouragement. It genuinely helped. Thank all of you who replied/reblogged/liked or sent an ask. I won’t be answering anons individually bc I don’t wanna clog up your guys’ dash, but just know I’ve read them and I’m so grateful. Sometimes you can get beaten down enough that you lose the ability to see the bright side for yourself. Thank you for reminding me of that bright side. Things will get better, they have to. They have for a while before, I just need to focus on getting back there. Once again thank you all so much. I’m so proud of the Harry Potter community, Hogwarts has always been my home when things got too bad (It’s what I brought to the psych ward last time I went, to give u an idea of how much it means to me) and it’s good to know that the people who are apart of this community will have my back.

Some of you offered to chat and I really appreciate it. Don’t take it personally if I don’t message you I’m just really anxious about people in general. I’ve had people spread shit about me before so I’m uneasy to open up again, especially when I sort of have a presence online (albeit a tiny one compared to everyone else but enough to give me a sense of responsibility). I might message some of you out of the blue when I’m feeling pretty down or don’t have anyone to talk to, my username is hallowed-pumpkins. Thank you all of you who offered. You guys are incredible and I’m very proud of you all.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of suicide and depression and eating disorders and all that fun stuff. I’m serious it gets dark and if you’re suicidal yourself plz don’t read this if you have even the slightest chance of being triggered.

DISCLAIMER: This is me venting. The stuff I say in here does not apply to you this is just how I feel about myself.

I disappear a lot. It’s nearly kinda funny. Fuck with a track record like this I could be a deadbeat dad neglecting his family. I say it’s funny but honestly it’s not. Why was I gone? Am I coming back? Let me preface this by saying that I fucking love drarrytexts. When I was a depressed 14 year old, drarrytexts was a blog I could go to and feel better while scrolling through. When I got on as the third moderator it was an incredible feeling, to know that people loved my writing. Suddenly I could help people feel better and that’s why I’ve always made a point to do every request, even if it’s depressing or deals with an eating disorder or so on. Bc this shit is real and I wanted to spread some sort of positivity when I myself felt none.

I’m fucking miserable. And I’m crying while writing this bc these are things I can’t say to my own family and friends. I’m so fucking miserable. Every day I smoke myself into a fucking daze so I don’t have to deal with the reality of my life. I always preach that things get better and I honestly believe that because if I didn’t I would have already killed myself by now. I have to believe that because I have no choice. I went to therapy when I was younger and yeah I haven’t self harmed in years, but the only thing that changed were my actions. I’m still fucking miserable inside. I still can’t look in a mirror without wanting to smash it. Every day I wake up and I’m surrounded by the fat threatening to swallow my body. I wake up a fucking high school drop out, jobless piece of fucking shit who has one direction in life and that’s an early grave.

I hate myself. And I hate that I’m writing this and whining about it bc you guys have better things to do with your time than reading this. I hate that I’m so fucking useless I can’t even post 3 times a day on a fucking blog where I could help people. It’s pathetic. I can’t even keep up with basic hygiene bc I’d rather blow my brains out than get out of bed. If I had a button that would make me fade from existence and just have everyone forget me I already would have pressed it by now. The ONLY reason I’m still alive right now is bc if I killed myself it would break my mother’s heart. I would live a life 1000x worse than this before I made her cry. I’m so fucking lonely. I’m so sad all of the time. I can’t even watch love-dovey music videos nowadays bc all it does is remind me that the only thing I’ll ever share my life with is my own mental illness. Growing up as a kid I always dreamed of finding a partner that would like me. Just someone that would fucking like me. Not date me bc fat girls are so fucking easy and desperate to fall in love that they’ll take a pile of shit if it means not being alone anymore.

(To clear up any confusion, I’m a biological female but when I was younger I was convinced I was a trans boy, hence using he/him pronouns on this blog. Now I realize I fit much better under the term of non-binary or something like that bc I’ve never felt like either really. I feel more comfortable presenting as male but I don’t have any dysphoria towards my body and wouldn’t want to go on T or anything. I’m very lucky to have a pretty flat chest and an androgynous face so I can usually pass as either, although most people assume I’m a guy unless I dress obviously feminine.)

Lately things have been very very bad. I’ve been sleeping a lot again bc dreams are the only place I don’t actually feel like a piece of shit. Unless of course I have one of my many nightmares that are becoming more common nowadays. When I originally left drarrytexts for the Christmas holidays I had planned on it being a short break so I could focus on spending time with my family. But I feel like I’m on this high mountain peak with wind whipping around me and nothing to stop me from plummeting to my death. And the wind is only growing stronger and my legs weaker and wouldn’t it be so fucking easy just to jump off? I think about killing myself every day. For the last few years it hasn’t been as urgent as it was before I got on meds and went to therapy but it’s always been there. This tiny voice asking me if it’s really worth it to keep trying when I’ve never managed to do anything but be a colossal fuck up. And lately the voice has been getting louder.

My friends make me feel fucking alone. I lost my entire group of friends in high school when I found out they spread stories about me and talked shit about me. But I still had 2 friends and I threw all my energy into cherishing them bc I thought they were for real. I thought I had my Golden Trio. But the sad thing about any relationship is that somebody always puts in more. I always try to be interested in what they’re talking about even if I don’t find it interesting myself. I ask questions, I write long messages, I try to visit them every chance I get. If they’re down I tell them exactly why they’re fucking incredible and they shouldn’t be sad and how much I love them. But when I’m fucking sobbing my heart out and on the verge of wanting to kill myself they just ignore my vent or change the subject. When I send them a selfie I actually think looks kinda okay (That’s saying a lot bc my self esteem is so fucking low it could be subzero) they’ll just ignore it completely or if I’m really lucky I’ll get a ‘Nice’. Any time they send me a selfie I always make a point to say how cute they are or how beautiful or something I liked about their clothes or their hair or so on. I just want the same back. Like I get that I’m fucking hideous but at least lie for me. I would do the same for them. I mean you know ur a fucking cumstain upon society when ur so ugly ur friends won’t even lie to you. I’m so scared to get close to anyone again bc I don’t want to fall in love with a person (whether romantically or platonically) and find out their returning love is as shallow as puddle.

And I’m sorry for being so fucking negative and depressing and fucking useless, but I needed to say this. I know this isn’t some confessional blog and I’m wasting space on ur dash, but you could have skipped this post if you wanted. And I probably won’t make another one anyways. My energy has been so low lately I’ll go weeks without leaving my house. I try to be positive and spread good will but I’m so fucking empty right now I can’t even muster the will to smile for more than a couple seconds. I cry my eyes out every day. Hell I’ve put a lot of thought into what I’d post to drarrytexts as a goodbye if I was ever gonna man up and fucking kill myself already. I’m trying so fucking hard to be okay and to live life and be productive but I feel like there’s this metal cage around my chest and it’s tightening with every breath I take. And it’s so fucking hard to write for drarry when they have everything I wish I could have. I haven’t read fanfiction in ages bc every kind word and every touch reminds me that I don’t deserve and never will have any of those things.

On top of that my family is poor as fucking dirt. We make less than 10,000$ CAD in a fucking YEAR. So any time I make a drarry post it’s always in the back of my head “You just wasted 40 minutes on this post when you could have been doing something that’ll make money”. I don’t have a job bc my social anxiety and mental illness are tearing me down and I know I wouldn’t be able to keep a steady job. Not to mention I live a small town in Canada with so little job openings I’d be extremely lucky to get one and it’s a 40 minute walk to even get into town and I’m legally not allowed to drive bc my vision. I can’t even fucking attend school bc I’m so uselss. I’ve dropped out over 4 fucking times. I keep coming back bc I’ll think I’ve gotten to a better place but then the rug is pulled out again. First time? Was in a backwater hick school where I was branded a dyke and feminazi and even the teachers fucking bullied me. Second time I came back to that shit hole and tried again before having to leave so I didn’t kill myself. Third time I was in a school for the blind over 400 km away from home I’d fly to every week and while I wasn’t bullied, mentally I was completely fucked. Surrounded by beautiful girls and constant reminders I tried to starve myself down. Wasn’t my first attempt but it was probably my most successful before I cracked. I didn’t care if it killed me bc honestly that would have been a relief at that point. I just wanted to fit in and not be the girl that was lucky to be considered a friend, much less a partner. I wanted to be loved and be beautiful and everything I’m fucking not. I ended up dropping out bc I had a mental breakdown and couldn’t do it anymore. I tried going back to that school a year later but unsurprisingly failed again after my dad got cancer and my parents split on top of struggling academically bc when ur depressed out of ur mind and starved you aren’t exactly in a mindset to do school work.

What little energy I have nowadays I’m trying to put towards ways to make money. I’ve been working on my pixel art in hopes I could do commissions. I have a YouTube channel I want to work on. I was thinking of opening a Patreon so people who like what I make could support me. I just want to help my mom and stop being so fucking useless. I’m legally blind (Less than 5% vision even with glasses)  and I get government support but I don’t want to live on handouts for the rest of my life. I want to actually do something with my life. I don’t want to be remembered as that fucking loser virgin who still lives with their mom and is getting government assistance bc they’re too pathetic to hold a regular job like everyone else. And I say that thinking that people who are getting government assistance are not bad people. I don’t think it’s a shameful thing. But every time I go on social media or the news or whatever I’m being constantly reminded I’m a leech on society that’s better off dead. I try to stay positive about everything but it’s so fucking hard. I can’t even get a therapist bc once they find out I have BPD they run for the fucking hills. And I wouldn’t be surprised if I get hate for finally talking about having it, but I don’t give a shit anymore. I’ve found YouTube videos saying I should kill myself and I bring nothing but pain to my loved ones. Hell even professionals don’t want to deal with me. It’s nice to know that bc of this mental illness I don’t deserve to live. Really what I need to hear when I’m already trying not to kill myself.

TL;DR Basically to cut a long story short. I’m in a really bad place mentally and I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to drarrytexts. I need to make money and every minute I spend working on hobbies and shit like drarrytexts I’m not spending honing my craft or finding a way to make money. I know some of you will think that’s selfish, but I care more about my mother not fucking working herself to death than what those people think.

I’m sorry for letting you guys down and I’m sorry I can’t even do this. Hate me if you want, but you’ll never hate me more than I do.

I’m sick, hence not posting yesterday. Was pretty zoinked out on cold medicine and had shopping to do. Also as a reminder, remember not to double-request guys! Everyone should get a shot at having their request answered and adding extra to the pile just makes it a longer wait. To give some perspective, there’s currently 150 asks in the box, waiting to be filled out. 

Can you imagine how Draco would feel when Hagrid comes out carrying Harry in the Battle of Hogwarts? Cause I can. :) And it’s  h e l l . Imagine how Harry would feel when he finds out he’s a Horcrux and he’ll have to die to save the world, leaving Draco behind. Brb sobbing.