izzy d

I was doing absolutely nothing but drinking for the past 3 months. I started seeing a "therapist" (not yet certified) and i feel like no amount of talking about my feelings can change my chemical imbalance.

Am i trying to find an excuse for addiction? Am i neurodivergent? These questions can only be answered if I can afford a real psychiatrist. I would ask my parents for help but being a financial burden has a huge role in my self-depriciation.

Im home alone for 5 days. I felt my dads shotgun he keeps in the closet. If i keep feeling worse i might pick it up; feel how it'll be in my mouth. I fantasize about driving away, leaving my wallet, phone, everything, and killing myself in a secluded far away spot.

If they just think im missing, they wont have to pay for a funeral. Funeral costs have kept me from killing myself.

Im posting this because im too afraid to tell this to my therapist. Thats become yet another relationship where i just lie and try and convince myself im fine.