Drago, 21, he/they

I have somethin I guess? I’ve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death

1. Ask Questions

This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldn’t be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where they’re at and trying to understand.  E.g. “My dog died, I miss him.” Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. “What was his name?” “How and when did he die?” “Tell me about him.” “What was he like?” “What’s your favourite memory of him?” “When did you first meet him?” “Did you teach him any tricks?” Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If you’re worrying about what to say next, listen to what they’re saying and ask details of what they’re currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.

2. Listen

Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like it’s okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.

Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like “Wow, what a bitch!” “Aw, so sad.” “What the fuck? Why?” just to prove you’re still listening and following, and haven’t wandered off into space.

3. When they’re done, give it back to them

It’s a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if they’ve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something like “It sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.” It’s been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove you’ve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.

4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.

Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help. “Can I offer some advice?”  Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short. It’s not about you sharing your story, it’s about them getting advice. Remember they don’t have to take your advice, again it’s about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. “When my dog died, I did this. Would that help?” “I read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?”

DO Keep it short. Like 1-2 sentences. State what the experience was in simple terms, and state how you felt. Example: “I remember having to evacuate a hurricane path 5 years ago; it was really scary and overwhelming, but none of my in-land friends got it.”

DO pivot the focus back to them after your anecdote so that they don’t feel obligated to comfort or focus on you. Like “I’m so sorry. I remember how hard it was when I lost my grandma. If you need me to pick up some of your shifts, just let me know.” It shows that you’re connecting with their pain, but you aren’t derailing into a discussion about you. DO bring up an experience if it is closely analogous to theirs. If they lost a close friend, mention if you also lost a close friend. If they were disowned by their family, mention if you also have been disowned. Suffering can be a lonely experience, so it actually IS generally comforting to know that other people have gone through this trial and will try to understand and support you accordingly. DON’T say that you know exactly how they feel. You don’t. It can feel presumptuous or like you are dictating the emotions they are expected or allowed to feel. Also, everyone feels pain differently, so its best not to assume you know where they’re at.