System of Sapphires

That but with weight.

(also you gotta play the song in your head slower and sadder and more alone, you know? for the vibes)

I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time

and wouldn't you know it? I've finally died

I've been hurting, I'm broken, I've lost my mind

I didn't enjoy it,

I just suffered

suffered

suffered

until I died

I'm a monster, a villain, I lived a lie

pretending I didn't still love that spy

all the acting, repressing so I would not cry

and in the end

all that I did was suffer

suffer

suffer

until I died

now I am gone

six feet below

killed twice by the same man

I faltered, and spared him

what a pointless show

nothing has gone to plan

(I once was a spy, now it's time to spy again

to keep up the fight, I won't let chimera win

I can get by

I don't need my-)

I suffered

suffered

suffered until I-

t: reunion, a family, my life is bright

I've found all I've wanted, I've won the fight

but if I know Curt Mega he won't sit by

I don't want to be a casualty

but I can't just let my friend proceed

without me his death's guaranteed

and once a spy

always a spy

forever

(suffered)

forever

(suffered)

the warmest hello to the coldest goodbye

remember

(offender)

remember

(c: I'll never...)

spies never die

(o: he's left alive)

(c: let them survive)

spies are forever

forever

forever ooo

(o: I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time

and wouldn't you know it? I've finally died

I've been hurting, I'm broken, I've lost my mind

I didn't enjoy it,

I just suffered

suffered, I'm a monster, a villain, I lived a lie

pretending I didn't still love that spy

all the acting, repressing, and still I cried)

(c: a spy is a spy, and I am a spy, so I won't let it lie again,

not done with this life, I won't waste my time, I'm gonna be a spy again

spy again, it's who I am

doesn't even matter if I killed my best friend

try again

try not to cry)

o: perhaps I should've just forgiven him...

c: forgive myself for killing him...

both: will this story ever end?

another year of nominal "adulthood" for me, and it doesn't fit at all, the amount of responsibilities that i have to face crushes me little by little each day. i don't know what my life will be like in a year, much less a decade, because i still don't know who i am. my sense of self is faltering and my thoughts slip through a sieve no matter how much i try, and i don't think it was always like this.

no doubt i've broken in some way. my passion is barely there, and almost every day i'm longing after Past Me, Past Me who could write and ramble and feel joy in the things she loved. Past Me who got out of bed in five minutes and didn't have to worry about bills or housing or making choices of her own. Past Me who had a guilt complex over failing grades, who was too afraid to paint her nails, who never thought she'd make it past eighteen.

why do i idolize her, try to make myself her, when she'd be starstruck over the simple act of my continued existence? things were so much worse for her then, and although she seemed to possess more strength than i ever will i tell myself that's not true because i still have that strength in making it this far. yet i still miss those days. maybe i never got to grow up in the way i wanted and that's why i give the terrible memories of adolescence - that prison i needed to escape from - so much disproportionate value. maybe i buried it all then and the ramifications are only unearthing themselves now. that sounds about right.