The cake is a lie, there is only passion

How am I supposed to get any work done when I have this creature on my lap

One child to take my kingdom, she promised me. Well, I’d wanted an heir. It didn’t have to be a curse. 

One child the sea would steal. There was room in that. They didn’t have to die, only to love the sea. I would buy the finest ships. 

And the third would suffer my grandmother’s fate. 

The tower. 

Grandmother told me stories about that tower, shuddering. About the isolation almost driving her mad. About the desperate longing for escape. I know what that escape cost her, and my grandfather as well, with his scarred face and limping gait. 

That was going to be difficult. 

The sorceress’s curse worked. Within the year, I held my first babe in my arms, a sturdy boy who kicked and cried and cuddled against his mother as if he hadn’t been made only to bring me grief. Well, all mothers grieve. 

she’ll be like “aziraphale would never suggest harming another living being” and i have to be like oh honey. he suggested killing a little boy to get out of work. and then actually tried to do it and only failed because madame tracy said “um wtf??? no???” while he was possessing her.

and then she’ll be like “ok but what about when he revives the dove after the magic show at warlock’s party” they changed that for the show. crowley originally revived it after aziraphale accidentally killed it.

and then she’ll be like “aw i love how aziraphale loves books so much he owns a bookshop” babe people literally think he’s with the mafia because he will resort to anything but physical violence to avoid selling his books. he rents in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in London and never sells anything. the mafia can’t even fuck with aziraphale because he makes them inexplicably disappear whenever they come around and we are never actually told where they go or what he does to them.

“oh but he loves humanity so much it’s so sweet how he would do anything to save humanity” book aziraphale doesn’t want to save humanity, book aziraphale wants to keep going on little dates with his boyfriend and reading books that he won’t sell and drinking tea and listening to his records in his little bookshop because Heaven is boring as fuck. He actively works to avert the apocalypse because he would have to actually do his job otherwise. Crowley quite literally only manages to convince him to help him stop the apocalypse because he reminds Aziraphale how fucking bored he’d be without creature comforts. Crowley’s trump card was literally “help me or you’ll have to watch The Sound of Music.” and Aziraphale FUCKING AGREES TO IT. To get out of watching The Sound of Music.

Book!Aziraphale is a bastard, and I love him.

Wake up babe, new octopus just dropped