Zombie Jamboree

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"I don't wanna hang out with anyone this summer who isn't a witch. I- There's a lot of shit going on right now, and I need to be informed. I need to be under the quiet tutelage of a witch. I wanna- This summer i need to at least be witch adjacent to be happy. And I'm not talking about Gen-Xers with a back alley reiki license, who own a studio with hawk feathers and a mosquito ass in it. No. A real witch drinks ice water. A witch owns property. You ask a witch if they're a witch they're gonna be dodgy about it. "Woah- Why do you ask?"

Oh Chris are you talking about the Haim sisters? No I'm not talking about the Haim- they're from LA, they're essential oil salesmen. A witch is from Michigan. A witch is from Putnam New York, millimeters from the Canadian border for no reason.

Fellas can be witches too. The quiet kid in the field trip who wanders off by himself and a horse walks up to him? That's a witch, that's me. That was me. I predicted Pokemon go. I predicted Lizzo.

One time in Denver i stayed in an Airbnb, and i walked in the kitchen and i heard a thumping against the wall. I look over, and there's a pitbull standing over a child's gate like Mister Ed, wagging its tail against- thump thump thump- against the wall. There was no mention of a pitbull in the listing. I didn't click the filter that said pitbull. 'Stay with a pitbull', no. Yet, i lived there happily with a pitbull for an entire week, no issue, that's witch shit. That's witch behavior.

You think a nonwitch would have taken that to the chin that gracefully? No. No. Wake up. No, they would have looked on Yahoo Answers, they would've looked up laws, and they would've talked to a family member about it. No.