A Guide to DĂŚmons, Sexuality, and Gender
Letâs first get this out of the way: being gay does not automatically mean your dĂŚmon is the same sex as you. Are we good? All on the same page? Lovely. The whole idea behind gay people having a same-sex dĂŚmon came from a singular character who was implied to be gay in the books, who also had a same-sex dĂŚmon, and as far as Iâm aware, Pullman has neither confirmed nor denied any theories regarding sexuality and dĂŚmons. Even if he has, there are times when disagreeing with an author about their work is absolutely acceptable, and this would be one.
When examining dĂŚmon genders in regards to human sexuality, I think itâs important to look at why dĂŚmons come out a certain gender. Iâve seen a lot of theories floating around, one of the most popular ones (that Iâve seen, maybe itâs changed though) having to do with balance. For example, a masculine person needing a feminine dĂŚmon to even them out. I wholeheartedly reject this idea, in part because itâs a bit derogatory, as it implies that gay men are feminine and gay women are masculine, therefore needing a dĂŚmon of the same sex to even them out. I personally believe that when it comes to figuring out the gender of your dĂŚmon, you should remove sexuality entirely.
When trying to decide what gender fits best, the consideration I think needs to be whether youâre more drawn to masculine or feminine energy (or other, but Iâll get back to that in a bit). Now, this doesnât mean whether youâre attracted romantically/sexually to masculine or feminine people. It also doesnât mean how you personally prefer to present. For example, I am female. I enjoy being feminine, acting feminine, and exuding feminine energy. However, I feel a strong connection to masculine energies, which is why I feel my dĂŚmon is male. I like observing masculinity, hearing from the male perspective, and I also appreciate masculinity in part because I am not masculine. I appreciate the contrast to myself. For some people, they might feel very drawn to feminine energies, but again, this is not sexual or romantic. You could be a straight woman with a female dĂŚmon because you simply prefer female energy, not because you dislike dick. A person might not want/need the contrast in gender the way I personally do, and that can be for so many reasons it isnât even really possible to list them all.
Now, having gotten all that out of the way, I do think that non-straight people are more likely to have same-sex dĂŚmons. A correlation rather than a causation, if you will. In part I think this has to do with non cis-het people generally being more flexible in their gender performance (this is a big generalization, I am aware, donât bite my head off) and because of this, might be more comfortably with a same-sex dĂŚmon. As I said before, sexuality/your gender does not directly determine your dĂŚmonâs gender, but there will probably be a correlation.
If youâve read this whole thing and are asking, well, what about me? I/my dĂŚmon donât fit under male or female? Then the answer is that honestly not much changes, but deciding how your dĂŚmon portrays themselves may be more challenging.
For those of you who donât identify as male/female (I understand that there are a large number of labels you could use, but for the sake of brevity Iâm going to use genderqueer as an umbrella term) you can absolutely still have a dĂŚmon that identifies as male or female. As I pointed out earlier, your gender does not inherently determine the gender of your dĂŚmon. If you feel particularly drawn to female energies and are genderqueer, congratulations, you probably have a female dĂŚmon.
In regards to dĂŚmons being genderqueer/not fitting the traditional gender binary, this is also an option if you feel that your dĂŚmon does not fit within the confines of the gender binary. You do not need to identify as genderqueer for this to affect your dĂŚmon. Admittedly I donât think of genderqueer dĂŚmons as particularly common, but that certainly doesnât mean that it canât/doesnât happen. Again, this would probably be more commonplace in queer safe spaces, but not always.
Onto some commonly asked questions:
Gender is, at its core, a social construct. If we accept this, why then do dĂŚmons have to conform to any gender at all?
Well, they donât. Besides, just because gender is a construct doesnât mean it isnât useful. Money has no inherent value, but that doesnât mean that it doesnât massively influence our daily lives. You may decide that the traditional gender binary doesnât suit either yourself or your dĂŚmon, but that doesnât mean that those who feel it does ought to be belittled.
So, if Iâm gay, is my dĂŚmon the same gender as me?
Nope, not necessarily. You can be gay and have a same-sex dĂŚmon if that feel right, but you can also have a dĂŚmon of the opposite sex. Both are completely fine.
What if Iâm straight? Can I still have a same-sex dĂŚmon?
What if Iâm bi/pan/ace/whatever, does that affect my dĂŚmonâs gender?
Your dĂŚmonâs gender is separate from both your gender expression and your sexuality. Therefore, whatever you identify as does not inherently affect what your dĂŚmon will present as.
Do dĂŚmons have sexuality?
This is a harder question to answer, and Iâm going to go with a resounding âehâ. I donât think dĂŚmons would have sexuality in the sense of desiring to have sex with another dĂŚmonâat the very least, I have never experienced this. I do, however, think that some dĂŚmons would show a marked preference for the gender of the dĂŚmon that belongs to their humanâs romantic interest. For example, a dĂŚmon might be drawn to male dĂŚmons than female dĂŚmons. Could this affect their humanâs romantic/sexual endeavors? Yes, I think so. Maybe not overtly, but a dĂŚmon that likes male dĂŚmons might encourage their human to go after their preferred gendered partner who also has a dĂŚmon that is the gender they prefer. Does that make sense?
I still donât know what gender my dĂŚmon is, how do I figure that out?
If after reading this you still arenât clear, thatâs totally fine! Gender is a very complicated topic that uses a lot of abstract language; dĂŚmonism is the same. Put the two together and nobody knows whatâs going on anymore. Thereâs no need to immediately gender your dĂŚmon. You can play around with what gender they present as for as long as you want. A lot of this is very instinct and vibes based, so it really is just whatever feels right to you.
I used to think my dĂŚmon was X gender and now I think they might be Y gender. Is that okay?
Yep! Totally okay. Whoâs going to stop you, the dĂŚmon police?
What if I donât want to gender them at all?
Again, perfectly fine, and really, who cares? Is anybody going to break down your door and tell you to stop imagining a talking animal that does or does not conform to a certain gender? I highly doubt it, or else youâre living a much more exciting life than I am.
In summary: dĂŚmons do not derive their gender from their humanâs gender nor their sexuality, and dĂŚmon gender is an entirely separate category.