jay park. | riveted.
summary. âyouâve never held onto someone so tightly before, knuckles going white and digging so hard into his solid body that youâre sure Jay is hurting. but he withstands it all, quiet and there for you as you crack and fall apart in his arms.â
pairing. y/n x enhypenâs jay
genre. fwb to lovers!au (wa hooo!!!)
word count. 2k.
warnings. afab!reader, swearing, mention of not eating for a little while, reader smokes, small description of anxiety from overstimulation (not the sexy way :/) please let me more if i could add another, thanks!
happy comeback from literally ten months of not posting anything!!! sorry loves, hope the ending to this couple makes up for everything (it doesnât lolz) mwah <3
first part is here! could technically be read on its tho, i think itâs comprehensible enough :P
|âââââ|
NEON LIGHTS DANCE behind your eyelids when you close them for just a second, a heated breath escaping your cracked lips when the card declines. You steel yourself to face this man, already wasted off his feet and leaning heavily on the bar counter.
Offering his sticky red credit over, you curl the corners of your lips in and feign an empathic smile. âSorry, it declined again.â
The dazed man whips his head up at the sound of your voice over the bumping bass, eyes glazed and lips twisted in bewilderment. âAre you joking? Try one more time!â
Licking your lips, you shake your head, eyes flitting over to another customer at the end of the bar vying for your attention. The older man seemed impatient, looking to have been standing there and waiting for a while.
âI tried three times already. Sorry.â
When he starts denying it, continuing to leave your wrist tense while waiting for him to take his card, you place the piece of plastic down and stalk away before it could get worse. The dude was clearly already at his limit. Itâs likely good his empty bank account had cut him off for the night.
Brushing hair away from your eyes, you cringe internally at the residue on your fingertips and then wipe them harshly on your jeans.
âHi, what do you need?â
âJesus fucking Christ, finally! 3 Snake Bites. Actually, make that four, an extra for the fucking wait I just had to endure!â
Biting your tongue, you bend to start his order, barely resisting the urge to roll your eyes. Pretending to not hear the burly customer over the chaos of the club doesnât help because he leans closer across the bar to get in your face.
âYou hear me right? 4 Snake Bites!â
âYup, got it. Opening a tab?â
âYeah, obviously!â
Now you turn, not willing to withhold the expression of annoyance anymore. This night already had you on your nerves and it was only past midnight.
Slapping four shot glasses in front of him, you pour and avoid looking in this dudeâs eyes. Heâs clearly still angry and more so by the next words he utters.
âDid you just roll your eyes at me?â
âSir, Iâm the only bartender working tonight, alright? Itâs packed, Iâm tired, and Iâd rather not argue currently. Are you doing debit or credit?â
Thereâs a tick in his jaw and when his fist on the counter tightens, you hover your hand over the walkie-talkie on your waist.
âYou have a big fucking attitude bitch, I shouldââ
Pressing the button, you walk away with the cocktail shaker towards the exit behind the counter, eyes scouring for the guard youâre paging.
âJohnny.â
âYeah!â
âThereâs a dumbass over here. Youâll see him, heâs stomping my way right now.â
Thereâs a crackle and then your coworker replies, âComing babe, stay there.â
âUh huh.â
Youâre startled at the strength and speed with which the angry man reaches you, way faster than you had expected. Slipping slightly when backing up, his face screams furiosity for you to leave without hearing his derogatory comments.
Throwing the shaker in the sink, you slink quickly back over to the other end of the bar, hand on your walkie-talkie. Your finger lightens in color at the pressure you place on the button. Praying in your head doesnât work fast enough because the customer clasps his meaty hand on your forearm, yanking you around.
His spit hits the side of your cheek but before he can let more than two words out, Johnny comes crashing in.
Dazily, you watch as the man screams and fights back from Johnnyâs grip, trying his best to get back to you. Digging your nails into your thumbs, which usually helps to ground yourself, doesnât, even as you attempt to suck in humid air that shakes with the music banging on your eardrums.
Too stimulated, you clench your eyes closed tight for only a second before a very loud yell interrupts you. It sounds so incredibly familiar and comforting that you canât help but open your eyes to catch sight of him.
Itâs been three weeks since that night.
âY/N!â
Wiping your wet cheek, you face the call of your name, his warm caffeine-colored irises wide with concern.
âJay.â
|âââââ|
âAre you alright?â Jay roams your face, seeking any type of shaken behavior.
Taking a deep breath, you nod, a small smile on your expression. It doesnât reach your eyes. You take out a small and thin, rectangular tube of cardboard from your purse, one that Jay recognizes from Jake.
âYou smoke now?â
Turning slightly to watch Jayâs expression, youâre a little surprised to see it blank at the lighter and the blunt you take out the box between your pointer and middle fingers.
âYup.â
âSince when?â
Humming, you light it while pursing your lips. The end finally catches and you throw your head back to the moldy brick of the club, pulling from the small rolled joint.
âMaybe a week ago.â
Your peripheral sees Jay shift, hands deep in his pockets while he shuffles in the thin layer of brown April snow. The leaves on the ground scratch on the dirty cement from his movement and you blow out smoke to watch it fizzle and curl out in the cold 2 A.M. air.
You wouldâve thought the silence would be suffocating. So suffocating that youâd do anything to avoid staying in it with Jay for so long but the preemptive haze you know will slide over your mind eases the anxiety.
You donât even mind looking at Jay so directly. You can tell heâs a little worn down and not just because he went seeking out you tonight.
No, you can tell because heâs wearing an expensive black dress shirt that looks like his wrists are being choked. You think this is the first time youâve seen Jay wear pants that arenât ripped jeans or anything else that is wrinkled like it was left at the bottom of a basket for too long.
Jay hates doing laundry. He probably got some fancy dry cleaner place to do this suit for him. Or maybe his familyâs maid to pick it up.
An unnecessary thought crosses you. âWhereâs the suit jacket?â
Jay looks up for a split second before checking himself. âOh,â he pats his sides, âIt was stuffy. Itâs in my car.â
A silent scoff leaves a trail of icy smoke from your nostrils. Tapping the end of the blunt, the ash withers to the ground, red to black.
Heâs bothered by the uncaring smile on your lips. Thereâs a tilt to it that shows youâve lostâ something. Jay isnât sure what and whether he should hope itâs because of him.
It does feel like sometimes punches his chest when you utter your next words though.
âDid you come to fuck?â
You pull from your joint again, making dead eye contact. Jay swallows harshly, dumbfounded by how lowly you think of him. Or maybe how lowly you think of yourself.
After all, Jay was beating himself up, driving all around the city and going to every bar he knew you worked shifts at. He had finally been driven to the wall in madness of how much he hated how things were left with you. Hated how he let you walk out of his place that night, especially how he didnât fight hard enough for you.
And here you were. Somehow willing to accept Jayâs savior-complex-self back into your life. But⌠all for a fuck?
Heâs somewhat angry at how youâre so ready to fall back into him. Jay has no right to feel that way. But if you were going to put up such a harrowing, hard, and unbeatable wall around yourself, you shouldnât crumble so easily.
All for, in your kind words, âa fuckâ.
âYou really think I came to you forâŚâ He canât help but scoff in disbelief, âSex?â
Saying it leaves a sour taste on his tongue.
âI donât know, I kind of missed you.â You loll your head, cheek hitting the wall and eyes narrowed on the end of your blunt, âThis guy Iâve been filming with recently isnât really all that. I didnât have to pretend to come with you.â
Jayâs jaw shifts, unbelieving of the words leaving your mouth. The long lashes you love on him so much blink hard and fast.
âAre you even hearing yourself right now? Iââ
âHm?â Finally kicking off the wall, you walk a step closer to Jay, âWhat?â
His hands stay locked in his pockets, red from the dropping temperature tonight, though they itch to shake some sense into you.
âDid you expect me to turn you away? After what?â You gesture towards his clothes, âAfter, clearly having the worst time at some stifling dinner party you went to. Isnât that usually why you came to me all the time in the past? Thatâs why I came to youââ
âDonât say this type of shit to me.â
Heâs so calm with his words, looking down all high and mighty at you, you lose your cool for a moment. Fury flashes in your eyes.
âSay what!?â You humorlessly laugh, stepping forward to make Jay step back, âWhy are you denying what our relationship was really like?â
Pressing him further and further with an invisible force, Jayâs back hit the opposing wall of the alley.
âIt was all just sex, so Iâm not sure why you were starting to get all attachedââ
Jay lands a tight grip on your wristâs next anticipated move, holding it rough enough to yank the lit blunt from your hold and dropping it. He doesnât look down to stomp and dig the small flame out on the ground⌠but you do.
âYou owe me money for that.â
He flares up at your comeback. âStop it.â
Breathing unevenly out your nose, you can barely meet Jayâs hardened expression. Shame floods your insides. You want to get sick from the amount of overwhelming reality he snaps into your head but you didnât eat too much today.
âYou get enough of that out?â He leaves space for rhetoric, âGot it all out of your system, hm?â
Your chin tilts your face down but Jay doesnât allow it, following by moving his to meet your embarrassed self.
âDonât shy away now. Keep talking shit and trying to undermine what the fuck we had. Because now I know for a fact, youâre trying to push me away.â
You step back far enough to get Jay let loose on your wrist.
âYou keep trying to hurt me and clearly do not see for yourself how much youâre hurting either.â
Lungs caving at his words, you curl in on yourself. Going back to leaning heavily on the clubâs brick wall, you slide down and sit heavily on your ankles.
Exhaustion tightens your lower leg muscles and now the register of your throbbing temples further the dizziness. It doesnât help either that your throat is now so taut you canât let a coherent word out from emotion.
You canât even let Jay know how exhausted you are now that you want to.
âDo you even know how much I adore you?â
Leaning your cheek on your crossed arms laid on your knees, you close your eyes. Pray for the rocking world at your feet to pass.
You strangle out, âWeâre not good for each other.â
âCan I not decide that for myself?â He laughs without the humor and thereâs a pause in Jayâs words.
They come out choked, âBecause I think Iâm okay with not being good for each other.â
âYou deserve better.â You warble out, unable to continue looking at the pain youâre creasing into Jay.
You should push away the only person whoâs gone out to look for you, sought and fought to love you for the first time in a long time. Right?
You had nipped that blooming bud of something good in your eternal winter of life. You had shut out one of the only people in your life to truly care for your broken self. But to only have one last time to redeem yourself, ending up completely hurting him again.
Itâs an eternity where you sit there, trying to even out your breathing. The sound of the mushy snow in receding footsteps makes your heartbeat climb to your ears.
You choke out a cry soon after. The faucet is loosened to let the tears fall finally. The pressure of everything on your shoulders should crush you. And itâs so close to doing so.
At least until the weight of a jacket is draped over you. Jay plants himself beside you before wrapping a warm arm over your back, gently rubbing before curling the other to cradle your head into his chest.
Youâve never held onto someone so tightly before, knuckles going white and digging so hard into his solid body that youâre sure Jay is hurting. But he withstands it all, quiet and there for you as you crack and fall apart in his arms.
His own heart crumbles from the quiet pain that seeps from the sounds you make. Hearing the anguish thatâs been built up for so long makes Jay want to forever hold you like this; regardless of how his fancy dress shirt is soaked now or the creases his shoes are bound to get. Regardless of how much hurt youâve caused him because he knows you have a good heart. A heart thatâs been dragged in the dirt for too long.
You make him want to keep the smile you get on your face when he buys you the right Gatorade from the convenience store down his street.
Or the specific rare laugh you let out when heâs so ridiculously knowledgeable on the most random thing while drunk, spewing facts.
Or the tired, mumbling voice you have when you just woke up, eyes bleary while you rub and walk like a grandma around his place.
The way you clutch to his shirt when walking through the people on the dance floor, afraid to get lost with sloshing tequila down your sticky fingers. Your smell after a shower, his shampoo, and his band tee on but also your natural scent sneaking in to land on his pillowcase for a week.
The way you were embarrassed to start wearing your glasses around him because you were afraid they were too big for your face, but also too afraid to replace them. Sneaking his take-out food from his container even though you had your own box, claiming stealing made it taste better.
The way you lean on anyone around you when cackling in laughter, willing to lose sight while your eyes scrunch. Silently tying your friend groupâs shoes, no matter the time or weather, sober or blackout wasted.
The way you scratch at the nape of his neck in bed, slow but with purpose. Curling your knee around his leg and splaying a wide palm to his tummy, falling asleep to the feel of it rising and falling. Your unfiltered noises and sounds, all for him.
You make him want to show you the little good parts in life.
âDo you know how much I love you?â
You can only sniffle and sob louder into Jay, clutching to his sides with a death grip. He laughs, chest shaking you on him as he looks up to the night air, stars never in sight in this city.
âYou should⌠You should know.â He sighs out to the moon, hoping the world was listening so maybe have it go easier on you, just for tonight.
âWhy do you, hm? Why?â You painfully yell past wet cries, weakly punching him with no real intent.
Jay thinks of all the specifics but settles for curling the wet hair behind your ears. âI just do. Should there only be a few reasons to love someone?â
Managing to gather yourself after a few moments, you nod. âI love you for a lot.â
âYeah?â Jay grins so big, his cheeks hurt from doing so.
âYeah. So Iâm sorry,â You twist and curl your arms back around Jayâs neck, hiding your messy face in the crook of his neck. âIâm really, really sorry. Iâm scared but I want you now. Nothing else.â
Jayâs hand hooks at your shoulders, âIs that what you really want?â
Your small and muffled voice makes it to his ears. And he wishes he could turn back time already to be able to hear your next words over and over again, whenever he wanted.
âThatâs all Iâve ever really wanted."













